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Angel819

Angel819 - photo 1
Angel819 - photo 2
Angel819 - photo 3
Angel819 - photo 4

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Friends:
CoenhelJcPc83chaz2009AxxxissFoxwell
knkcasencAsphaltCowboyzero6969racingdom81

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I am a sweet girl, eager to please. I like being rubbed the right way by clever hands, being bathed, being held, being touched, being made to wait (but not too long). Sometimes I can be bratty and sometimes I lose direction without a strong Dominant to guide me. I don't want little flings. I'm searching for my perfect match, and I'm tired of being used. Please be honest with me, I don’t appreciate being lied to. It makes me feel undervalued and worthless. A few more details about this me:
Enjoys video games Very touch centric Nerdy
Hard working
Eager to please
Clever
Naturally very Submissive
Bisexual
Positive outlook
Unlucky
Baking skills
Solidly employed
Experienced in scene I am not into labeling myself. I feel like who I am should speak for itself. I am who I am and my labels are constantly fluctuating and progressing with my personal growth. That being said I currently work a full time. I love to talk and cuddle. I like lots of things kink, but if you can't get to know me as me then you sure as hell don't deserve the kinky me.

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5/13/2014 8:09:33 PM
Okay seeming to have trouble finding what I'm looking for. Sis anybody know where to purchase cat tail butt plugs? I mean who had experience with a good one that won't fall out our use smelly plug materials? Finding bad reviews without finding something good.

4/20/2014 2:29:25 PM
It's a rough Easter, I love you grams I miss you so much. R.I.P <3

4/9/2014 1:19:01 PM
Nothing like a night at Fenway watching my boys play! Let's go red Sox, Texas ain't got nothing on us today!

4/4/2014 8:52:09 AM

To the douchebag males on this site. Let me make this clear, you want to see me on cam, you won't get the right. Especially not if you start out by telling me you are going to report my pictures as fake because I am clearly a male. Because clearly the only way I can prove they are not fakes is if I go on cam for you. Let's make sure you understand this. I HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE TO YOU! I have friends on this site and others, people who have met me in person. They know I am real, they are the people that matter to me. Not some fake douchebag trying to get me on cam. Have fun with that scam.


3/26/2014 6:36:26 AM

Adjusting to being home has definitely been a process. It's weird being home after the structure Army Basic Training had for me. Sadly I didn't get to graduate. I got discharged because I ended up with Patella Tracking Disorder and it screwed up my APFT scores. So I'm home healing and soon to be training. Counting down the days until I can go see a recruiter again to see if I can get a waiver and give it a second go at basic training.


12/9/2013 4:34:06 PM

Inadequacy fears creeping in...unhappy unowned kitty...feeling lonely and lacking kink =/


10/6/2013 11:17:01 AM

Apparently wanting to be wanted is too much to ask for =/ feeling rather lonely and defective today


9/16/2013 6:07:36 AM
Medical waiver approved. Taking my soldier's oath Thursday! on top of the world!!!!

9/9/2013 8:56:03 PM

Never going to be enough. Can't wait to hear about my waiver, hoping it gets approved. Time away to just focus on becoming a better person will be amazing.


7/25/2013 7:05:08 AM
Let's get something clear here. I'm not joining the national guard to get laid at basic every night. I'm going the national guard to do something good with my life. basic is there for me to learn to be the best soldier I can be. so I can better myself and defend my country. I'm not easy and not a slut and I'm certainly not at basic to think about sex. Grow up and learn to be a better person, not tear down an amazing thing.

7/12/2013 5:58:43 AM
After 3.5 months I finally have my own building at work again. I'm 7 lbs away from my goal weight. I went for a 5 mile walk yesterday and felt amazing afterwards. Quitting smoking soon. And gee only crosses my mind every so often instead of every second if the day. Moving on abd feeling wonderful. Life is finally looking good again =)

7/5/2013 3:34:23 PM

HUGE HUGE thank you to NELA for finding my ID at the summer flea last weekend and sending it to me <3 you guys rock!


7/1/2013 1:08:44 PM

Getting back into the dating game...maybe this time with success.


6/4/2013 6:41:52 PM

Disappearing so if you don't hear back from me it means I haven't actually returned yet regardless of what my "last login" says.


5/22/2013 5:29:28 PM

Gahhhh these ears are the best thing

 

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Kawaii-Cute-Pink-White-Fluffy-Cat-Ears-Headband-w-Ribbon-Bows-Pearls-/200923727176?pt=US_Hair_Accessories&hash=item2ec7fcc548


5/20/2013 8:15:49 PM

Anyone want to buy this kitten a butt plug tail? Please :)


5/14/2013 8:02:27 AM

I finally updated my pics! Had not done that in awhile. Though...I will need to add yet another one on sat after i cut my hair!


5/2/2013 6:32:02 PM

Dreamland


by: Meaghan (Angel819)

 

Pinned against the wall
Your hand firmly around my throat
You take me hard
Knowing it's what I crave
Harder, faster
Knowing I can't possibly last
You whisper in my ear "Cum, slut"
As I feel your teeth sink into my flesh
I explode, shuddering
I awaken with this sinking feeling
Your voice fading
Whispering " My good girl"
A dream, just another dream
I am here, you are there
My body dreams of you nightly
I'll never know what your touch feels like
Never know the sharp pain
As your teeth mark my flesh
And claim my essence
My body aches to be claimed by you
My heart craves that moment after
Collapsing into bed wrapped in your arms
Just a dream, so far away
You could never be my reality
With that dark void opening again
I start my day
Knowing tonight I'll see you again Sir


4/22/2013 6:52:00 PM

I'm writing again :) This is amazing.


4/21/2013 6:22:12 PM

An awesome woman I know is going to put together a couple ideas for my phoenix tattoo...4.5 years later this tattoo may finally happen <3


4/15/2013 1:42:28 PM

To my Boston family here please try to get in touch with loved one's. I heard from mine and everyone is safe, please stay safe. My thoughts are with everyone there.


3/5/2013 5:09:14 PM

I needed you and you turned our back on me. I bent over backwards to make things work. You lied to me and I told you we would try and build trust up again and what do you do? You leave my house tell me you'll let me know how your interview goes when you talk to me, then only talk to me long enough to tell me that you were wrong it was the 5th not 4th. And today on the 5th you are still at a friends house and you rescheduled your interview. I'm done with the lies, i'm done with your manipulation. I am done with you being lazy as fuck and unhappy about it and taking it out on me. FUCK YOU! I deserve so much more than that.


2/24/2013 9:46:29 PM

Okay, so I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I am starting on a path to better myself. Refocusing my drive at work because I have been slacking. Potentially looking for a new job. Finding my spirituality again because I lost that piece of myself. Hoping to maybe finally start that book I always said I would write. Nobody ever needs to read it, but it has just been this focus for me for so long, and I never did start. (give me 10 years to finish lol). Focusing on trying to salvage this relationship with my love, things get rough (and this time it has been extremely rough) and I just give up. Even though I am the wronged party in this situation, I don't want to give up and I'm going to try one last time.

Tomorrow is a new day, for a new me =)


11/13/2012 8:17:03 PM

There needs to be a Saturday night excursion to Sin-O-Matic  to celebrate my first week in my new job position...yay promotion...where someone picks me up and drives me homes and pays for me to get in...then people should buy me drinks to celebrate! This of course won't happen but a girl can dream!


11/5/2012 2:49:20 PM

So my fredricks of hollywood magazine came in and it made me really want lingerie. So someone should take me lingerie shopping for free no strings attached! Haha just kidding, but really it will be nice when I can go get cute bras and panties and corsets etc


11/2/2012 11:42:06 PM

What a wonderful day overall. Today I finally got to make a schedule at work where I have weekends off and will continue to have them off. I got to hang out with a friend. It was fun and relaxing. And then got to have the best 2 hour long conversation with someone that was awesome enough it felt like we hadn't been talking that long at all. And then all the wonderful things he said when i needed/wanted him to...I love days like today. And it only gets better from here. Sweet dreams to all! I know I will :)


10/24/2012 12:36:53 PM

THIS GIRL right here, yeahhh she's happy. I stepped on the scale for the first time in two months and found out I have lost 10 lbs. I am soo happy, now to keep up the good work to lose the other 10 and start working out to tone my tummy some then i shall be even happier. But Woohoo for progress


10/23/2012 11:24:08 AM

I want my tattoo/ or two tattoos if i don't combine them....still need designs/ person to do it/ money :( ughh so long to wait


10/12/2012 7:48:15 PM

I don't need to be used. Farewell for now.


10/6/2012 9:56:37 PM

My influx of new messages seems to be dying down now that I have been back and active on this site more often. I am both glad and sad about this. Glad because it is easier to handle and manage lower amounts on incoming messages, but also tad sad because I feel like I lost my appeal lol. Oh well. Hurrah to sticking it out this time here...maybe.


9/30/2012 11:03:33 PM

I had the most wonderful date saturday night. I am positively giddy still. It has been so very long since I have felt this way about anyone. I still have butterflies in my tummy. I just..wow.


9/29/2012 11:37:21 AM

After being so couped up all freaking week I desperately need to get out of the house.


9/24/2012 7:46:35 PM

I feel lost =/ meh. Such is life I suppose.


3/10/2012 7:58:50 PM

Scared outta my mind, please come home safe. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you in this world. Not together anymore, but I will always love you. I will always need your stupid humor and support in this world.


3/3/2012 8:30:10 AM

Oh goodess. So last night was amazing. My friend got me to try a viloet wand last night. He started low and then increased to my tolerance level. It was amazing I was pretty much at his feet all night. Such an amazing experience and im now addicted. I want more.


3/1/2012 10:55:24 PM

okay...could be the best looking sex toy vibe...i want it..

http://www.pleasuremenow.com/wildorgamtwinteasersvibrator.aspx


3/1/2012 7:14:26 PM

Be safe <3 youll always have a piece of my heart, so please come home safe and sound. You'll be in my thoughts until your safe return in 4 months. You will forever be one of my closest friends. I cant bear the thought of you nto coming home.


3/1/2012 3:10:48 PM

You bitch at me that I do not respond. You even tell me that you are no longer going to speak to me and this is my last chance to respond...Hmm interesting to me because well let see I try and respond every freaking time for over a year now and every time it tells me you blocked me so it wont send...goddamn are there dumb people in this world


2/29/2012 6:37:20 PM

Just thinking its time to take a break? I don't know anymore. Be my friend and who knows what could happen. But don't expect me to dive head first into something. If you actually want me take it slow with me.


2/27/2012 8:36:51 PM

yes im no longer consider but no im not looking and no i dont wanna just fuck...friendship only please


2/26/2012 9:14:43 PM

Still feeling a little drained after my emotional break down last night. Idk still kinda of weird tonight but i am definitely feeling much more confident today. I wish I could have stayed in bed all day, but alas my work called and I ended up picking up some hours today.


2/20/2012 11:16:56 PM

And when the world was fucking with me and i was ready to freak out! thank you pretty lady for keeping my sanity :)


2/20/2012 8:15:57 PM

So it appears I may not be pregnant after all. This is not a set in stone thing though. I have had a little bleeding today, but not much and no cramping. You can have your period the first 3 months or so of pregnancy. And I am known for curling up in pain from cramps, so if no cramping then I need to get a blood test to confirm one way or the other. I watched my hope sink today though. I think I really wanted to be pregnant. I really wanted to have this baby. Its sad for me to think its getting less and less likely I am. On the other front, things seem to be going well again with my consideration. I did question it for a bit this weekend, because I was so unsure of so many things. I am happy again, wel mostly if we take out the sadness over the baby. Wicked sick and not sure what else to say right now so for now...byes


2/19/2012 8:09:53 PM

This journal seems to be long overdue. I had a wonderful weekend. I spent some time with my bestie and an unfortunate other friend, who lately is just a complete bitch. We made a bunch of cupcakes and it was a lot of fun. I have still yet to eat one though haha. Right now I just feel really good to have had that break. Right now, I'm just not sure whats going on with me. I may or may not be pregnant. I just have no idea at all. My period is MIA and is a week late but two pregnancy tests tell me that I'm not. I am so torn and not sure whats going on with it all. I need to get a doctors appointment so I can find out one way or the other with a blood test. I am also quite annoyed with people who cannot read that I'm under consideration. Ugh. I am just so annoyed and confused and rambling. Blah my head hurts...stupid cold.


2/16/2012 11:15:30 PM

Today was definitely a much better day than yesterday. Today I actually felt productive. I cleaned the house and got some laundry done. I was also given a break from tasks last night until tonight. Though tonight's task, I found much harder than it actually needed to be. I had to write out my fantasy. But, for me, I never really thought of myself as having fantasies. I usually live in the moment and try and experience things as they come. Reality is always so much better than my dreams. But when I stopped thinking about my task and thought about her and thought about the two of them. When I let myself relax. Finding that fantasy wasn't so hard. In fact it was easier than ever. My hope is that she finds I completed my task to her standards. Lately has been rough for me. Just going thru a lot. I found out tonight that no matter how things turn out in my current situation, they will both be here to support me. I never thought if this turned out a certain way that I'd still have them. I thought I'd lose them because of it. And it made me realize how lucky I am. Because I won't lose them.


2/15/2012 9:39:27 PM

Just a wonderful lovely night...not! First my sister made plans with me yesterday and bailed on me, then I find out my one of my so called best friends is home on leave from the army, which i was amped about. I have missed him so freaking much. I literally owe my life to him. And he was a douche when I asked if i got to see him. And then my relationship got undermined. By a jackass. I hate when people do that. Know they don't have a chance with you because you don't want them to and then pulls the I want to see you just give me a chance. Then has the audacity to try and get me to feed him information he can turn and use against me and my happiness. Fuck people today.


2/14/2012 9:37:21 PM

I'm not sure there is really any way possible to describe my night. It started off as a long and stressful day. I mean when you work retail in a store made for cards and candy for valentines and last minute shoppers, who think its nice to be rude to the workers because we dont have what they want. Well yes because youre last minute shopping. Ugh but after that long ass day i got to have a very yummy dinner and nap. Then spent my night talking to two wonderfully amazing people. We were able to discuss some much needed things and then got to spend some times bonding. I could not have asked for a better night, or better Valentine's for that matter. Life is not easy and never will be, but if things keep going in this direction, no matter how tough things get I have confidence that everything will be okay. I feel like I want to write an entire novel right now, but my sleepy worn out mind is screaming to go to bed.

Thank you to you both over and over again for tonight. You BOTH make me happy.


2/13/2012 9:50:43 PM

So I had a task for today and that was to go thru my clothing and pull out clothing I thought she would find sexy on me. I mostly feel accomplished, but find myself wish I had more fashion sense and more sexy clothing. I love everything about this situation. I feel genuinely happy about it. I'm cared for and supported. And so far I am bonding well with her. Its means so much to me that they both take time in their day to talk to me. It makes me feel special. Tomorrows task is going to be fun. I like photos and now i get to put the clothes on I picked for today and model them for her. :) I really sincerely hope she likes them. I'd be a little sad and disappointed if she did not. The weird thing is, my journal was given to me as a "task", but it is something I don't mind doing. Its nice to be able to write out my thoughts and be able to look back and see what i was feeling or what i described wrong. Wrong in the sense, i don't always put my feelings into words the way i want when it comes to journal type settings. Maybe, i'll start really writing again, i mean my writings...my poems etc. Its been too long since I have devoted time to them.

The one thing i'm missing right now..is the feel of rope on my skin...the feel of a cane hand or flogger striking my skin...sighs...such a good feeling.

Well with that it is time for me to go to bed. I have a long day ahead and its starting early!

Good luck today you'll be in my thoughts and sending positive energy your way (though i should say youre in my thoughts everyday :) )


2/13/2012 10:04:16 AM

So after a wonderful night's rest i am finally not exhausted when i wake up haha. My body said sleep and I crashed. Woohoo for that. Last night was another wonderfully amazing day. I got to spend it with family and then was up talking all night. I was asked to show what it is i'm offering. The experience was exciting and a bit like feeling as if i was exposed. And i was exposed, but in a good way if that even make sense lol. There was one downfall and not really a big one at that, just makes things confusing from time to time. She'll ask me for something and at the same moment he'll say something else. Its just confusing to be told two things at once. Like last night her asking to see my feet and at the same time hi saying turn around. That seems to be the only hard time I'm having at the moment. Everything else still makes me happy and excited. This thing has caught me in a whirlwind and I love it.


2/12/2012 12:11:07 AM

So tonight I was put under consideration. Its scary and exciting all at the same time. It makes me extremely happy too. I did not expect it happen tonight, it shocked me, but it was definitely a good shock. Its like, feeling like all the pieces of the puzzle are beginning to fall into place. A sense of belonging and being safe and secure. I've already begun to receive tasks. Its something good, gives me a goal each day. Tiny things to do well and be pleasing for having done them to the best of my abilities. I can't stop smiling. Its silly, but it is like this weight has been lifted and I can breathe easy knowing tomorrow will be a better day. And each passing day better and better. It'd be silly to say it will all be smooth sailing because life has its way of making sure it never happens like that. But knowing theres that light at the end of the dark tunnel, something to focus on to make it thru. And i have the care and support and the knowledge her hopes is to help better me and to help me succeed. What could be better? I'm looking forward to the journey i have ahead. Nothing could please me more than finding out where this path is taking me.


2/5/2012 9:16:09 PM

Single again...oh joys


12/7/2011 8:39:36 PM

Sooo as I have decided there really is no reason to keep this experiment going on longer, I find myself happy and sad. Happy because I predicted right and more sad by the fact that I am right. So I guess I need to explain this experiment before i can ask questions about the why. I decided to take down any picture on my profile that included expose boobs ass etc. And after some time put them back up. I have had more profile views and more e-mails with the pictures than without. Why is that I am good enough to talk to when you can see my ass and see my boobs then when I don't? I am the same person regardless. I think its ridiculous and speak lowly of the people on here. It shows that many (NOT ALL as i know i have some great friends from here) are shallow asshats. I am more then my body and it'd be nice to know others realize that.


12/2/2011 9:30:13 AM
FeTrix Fetish/BDSM-Play Club Night

so there tonight woohoo


11/27/2011 7:47:47 PM

phase one of experiment completed and so now im on phase two :)


11/3/2011 8:22:45 PM

i got teased with dinner at fire and ice tomorrow...however i am already working 8-2 need to cash my paycheck and get my butt to a couple of stores for some stuff i need and im going into boston tomorrow night...BUT now i really want fire and ice :(


10/27/2011 9:40:31 PM

Hmm trying an experiment and seeing whats going on with it...we shall see


9/12/2011 3:35:58 PM

So sick and tired of the everyday shit on meaghan that everyone thinks is necessary. So guess what fuck you all


7/20/2011 11:29:31 AM

Was pleasantly surprised to find a copy of Screw The Roses Send Me the Thorns in the local toy shop. Decided to purchase it and am happy i did. Not that i have gotten very far into reading it so far, but of what i have read i enjoy it. Score one to the locally owned toy shop that is owned by a fetishist.


5/3/2011 2:08:49 PM

How do you say goodbye when all you really wanna do is hold on tight and never let go? How do you give up when that's the last thing you wanna do? How do you act like it isn't affecting you when your heart is shattering inside your chest?

I don't know how to, but somehow I feel like I need to. It is not because i don't know I'm loved or because I don't love back. It isn't that I want to go, just that I feel I need to. I can't fight this anymore. I've given all that I have, and all that's in me and it's not enough. It will never be enough. I'll never be enough.


4/26/2011 3:27:48 PM

Don't know why I ever expect some things to change. Talk is all it will ever be.


4/20/2011 9:23:15 PM

Well maybe giving up on my photos is too soon. I messaged him and supposedly I am getting them next week.

On the plus side my life seems to be balancing out a little bit. My stress is no less but then again I have yet to figure out how to direct that into something productive. Like painting or photography or dancing or singing or something that I actually have the talent to do. Anybody who knows me feel free to give me suggestions on how to focus and direct my energy. i am willing to try most anything at this point lol.

As much as things have been getting better I am still very insecure about some things again. It really sucks because there are times I feel as though I am being foolish and other times where I think my points are completely valid.

I feel expendable sometimes. Times when Master gets so absorbed in his computer or phone texting or both and I am just kind of here stuck in my head. I hate admitting sometimes how much I need someone or something. But really sometimes I just need to be kissed more and told I'm loved by him more. Knowing is one thing but hearing it helps so much some times. Maybe I'm just in a picky mood I don't know.

Ugh...but like i said please give me ideas on how to channel my energy because I really need something.


4/11/2011 5:53:38 PM

I think that I officially give up on waiting and hoping for the results of my photoshoot. He's been crazy busy and hasn't had a chance to go through them. So I think I just give up waiting and if I get to see I get to see if I don't then I don't. I will just consider it a lucky surprise if the e-mail ever shows up in my inbox.

Ever wonder why life is just one struggle after the next? Why one glimpse of hope, that tiny sliver of thought that maybe can be joyful, just gets pulled away as soon as you dare to dream it will all be okay? That's where I seem to be at right now. I try and look at the positives because let me tell you living life gloomy sucks. Lately I can never see anything except for the positive. Once I finally let myself get hopeful again, that happiness and hope is torn from me. I knew at a young age life would never be what i expected it would be. I just didn't expect to be faced with so many challenges and obstacles so early and without a breathing break to feel happy again.


4/4/2011 8:46:31 PM

Still nothing on my photoshoot, and that makes me upset. Ugh. Been a very long busy stressful weekend. Moving is never anything but stressful lol.

Have you ever just felt like no matter what you do it is wrong? Yeah, lately that is kind of all I been feeling. Someone once told me to always keep my chin up, kind of hard when lately that is the last thing that I feel like I can do. I don't know anymore. I wish I had some clue on what I should be doing. I think I just finally actually give up. I'm done triyng to be get out of this funk. It has beaten me. I'll work and go to school and outside of that, I don't know. I think I'm done with being online and socializing, it may be time to close up shop and just stay inside my own head for awhile. If that is what I end up choosing to do, to my friends...hopefully I'll see you all again when I finally find the light at the end of my endless night.


3/28/2011 2:46:16 PM

Still waiting on the results of my photo shoot and hoping the results are awesome, but paranoid they won't be. Still in a funk and thinking it really sucks. All I want to do is sleep all the time. Work and school and homework keep that from happening. Maybe I'll just run far away. Leave it all behind. Start new with no connections whatsoever from my past. No family no nothing...just me...ugh I don't know anymore. I just want to be normal again.


3/25/2011 5:59:30 AM

PHOTOSHOOT TODAY!!!!!!!! YAY! :) here's to hoping this one actually works outs. Only one other has made it to the day of shooting before backing out...and he backed out after he was an hour late to showing up. So, crossing my fingers and trying to put this funk aside...today should be good...


3/23/2011 7:49:50 AM

And so it happens as girl knew it was bound to. Girl's life since she was 13 meant phasing in and out of depression. And so a period of depression is now upon her. Got upset with Master today because he just didn't understand why girl was crying, not that girl knew either. Haven't been okay for 3-4 days. Now girl feels bad she got upset with Master because he knows nothing about girl's phasing into depression for no known causes. Girl hates being in this state because she gets to thinking about everything. Everything becomes something negative, even things that normally don't bother girl. Girl goes between needing to be held and wanting to cry it out to not wanting to be touched in the slightest. Girl isn't sure if it is really something bothering her or just the blah mood that makes her think it...but Master's parents finally know girl exists after almost 5 months of living here...we talked about it last night because girl told him how she feels like shes some kind of secret. He claims to have been planning on his parents, but part of me knows he had no intention of doing such anytime soon. Now girl can't help feeling like shes still some hush hush thing. Yes, Master has professors at school and friends that know he is poly and know about me, but girl feels like she pushed Master's hand into telling his parents. Girl doesn't like feeling like that. Master should have told them when he wanted to and not because of a conversation, but even at that it makes girl feel like she is meant to be some secret. Girl still has many times where she feels like more of a burden than a joy. Ugh just don't know how to feel better. That's the worst part about phasing into depression for no reason. It makes it harder to get out of for me. Whats worse is becoming negative and thinking bad things about stupid things. Everything just gets me more down and feeling worse.


3/5/2011 8:30:38 AM

Haven't been beat just to be beat in awhile and it is starting to get me. Makes me look forward to getting the punishment I have that builds up over time. Which even that seems to suck. Supposedly suppose to have gotten mine already and still haven't. IDK im done i think.


2/24/2011 4:09:58 PM

I give up. I have no say over anything. Even when it comes to doing something that I hate. It is annoying as all crap. I do not dance I do not want to dance. So why the heck should I....ugh!!


2/16/2011 6:45:40 PM

Sometimes I sit and wonder. My mind seems to be going a million places never settling on one single train of thought. Then I have my days like today that I just cannot get off of a single train of thought. Days where I wish my mind would wander. I love Master, but idk there are somethings that bother me. Like how every single time he is working on a piece of his art he asks me how I like it and about this that or the other thing. I got back an assignment from my english class today and got an A on it. I was so happy and excited because I had worried that i wouldn't do so well on this writing assignment. He just looks at it and goes uh huh okay. I was crushed. I find it so hard to keep myself motivated. I just wanted one person to look at something I had done and tell me I was doing a good job. It would make me putting myself through all of this school and hw and no life crap just a little bit easier for me. He puts so much time and effort into me understanding what is going on inside his head, yet I don't even get a good job on my A.

Lately I been having this fear that Master is getting sick of me. Since classes started a week and a half ago I have been so busy with classes and hw that our time is limited together. Three different times we had set up play time, it never happened. Time like tonight we are here watching a movie to better understand him...yet supposedly we were suppose to have play time.

Some days I just give up trying to be a good girl. I do the right thing and it doesn't get me anywhere or even make Master happy anymore. I do the wrong, and its not like he would have been happy with me anyways. I honestly just don't know what to do anymore. It is just like a crazy rollarcoaster ride. With twists and turns and sometimes wanting to get off and others loving every minute of the ride. Sometimes though I just wonder if this ride should be over.


2/14/2011 6:42:23 PM

Sick of people responding to me like they know what is inside my head. It bothers me to think that i can't be asked instead. For the most part things have been getting better. Yet it is starting to seem i am the only one who can do laundry yet again and  slowly getting back to the point where it is me sweeping most of the time...yet now im bogged down with homework so that makes it 10 x worse. And work is starting next week! Really not sure how i am going to survive. Lots of hw, class time, as many hrs as my work will give me, keeping house, all that with the added benefit of trying to quit smoking...yeah pretty much sucks. Which is why lately all these telling me one thing and doing something completely different is starting to get to me. There would technically be time to do what i was told would be done...except somehow other stupid mundane things are more important...i just dont know anymore


2/11/2011 12:49:32 PM

Not sure about modeling anymore. It is too hard to find some legit. And i'm doing this on my own. I have nobody else's insight. Grrrr


1/24/2011 11:41:55 AM

Lately i find myself between this rock and a hard place. i use to know what i wanted and know that i had it. Lately it seems i am slamming my head against a wall. Nothing i say can or will change anything. i don't know where my place is in this "family" anymore. Lot of things on my mind and things to consider. The move in may/june is coming quick. Whether i move with Master and niala or move away from them, is something i have yet to decide.


12/10/2010 7:10:19 AM
Wow it has been a long time since I have written anything I realize. What's been going on....welll I had an interview I never heard back from *sigh*, I'll be visiting MA in just over a week, and I'm still happy in SC. I attempted to start modeling minorly, yeah that hasn't been working out. Not sure I am going to continue to try though. Love being here in SC and the experiences I get to have. Especially from this past sunday :). Still got bruises from it yay!. Just trying to figure out what I'm doing right now...so i updated my journal finally lol

11/30/2010 7:18:51 PM
Hmmm? Yeah I wonder that a lot sometimes

11/25/2010 6:45:57 AM

Seeing as though it is thanksgiving I thought i would wish everyone a happy thanksgiving. This year it seems as though I have lots to be thankful for. I am thankful for finding a fresh start someplace new. I am thankful for my loving, supporting family even when my choices don't always seem right. I am thankful for Master and for niala and for their love and support. And I am very thankful for all my friends who have helped me become who i am today. I love you all :). People should be thankful for who and what they have everyday, but that isn't always the case. So today try and think of all the things you are thankful for and be grateful for what you do have :).


11/19/2010 9:48:36 PM

Figurings stuff out in my head...can someone come do it for me? I get so lost I never know what i'm thinking sometimes and that bothers me more than when i do know sometimes


11/15/2010 4:59:31 AM

So I know I have not been on much to talk at all, but here is my recap in the shorten version. Shit went down with my family, but it is starting to calm down and finally settle out to something much better. I came up this weekend to work my last week in Massachusetts. Master and i are about to finish packing the car and then head back to SC, to home and niala. To where i belong. Crazy hectic week, but i am finally seeing the light through this darkness. Woohoo off to my 16 hour drive home blah lol.


11/10/2010 5:13:34 AM

Mirror day 8/9/10 (for 7th and 8th and 9th)
Seems i can never get a journal on here on time anymore. Maybe thats the chaoticness of being home? Ahaha i don't know. Whatever the reason, i have not done it in a couple of days. Not sure why Master even deems these necessary anymore. I am here and home with Master and niala ( and the dog,bird, cat and two fishies). Yes I still have insecurities, but they are not when i am looking in the mirror. Maybe this excercise has almost run its course.
Well anyways, nothing is changing, well almost nothing. I still see Master's happy little kajira. HIS, now theres something i don't think i'll ever get sick of saying. Now in the mirror i see the yellowing/semi new bruising on the spot where Master bites to claim my heart. And my annoying collar..so glad its getting fixed today. Its got a couple of dangling links on it cause it is a lil big, but is locked smaller. Though getting it fixed means having to temporarily take it and that bothers me.
I have a list of things to do and no energy to want to do it. Guess i gots to get on the ball with that...


11/7/2010 1:14:08 PM

Knowing it isn't my decision, i think i need to make it anyways...


11/6/2010 10:44:17 PM

Late again :( Silly Master always distracting me. Not that i'm complaining. It was awesome though because we sat and watched a movie online, the three of us :) Awesome way to end Master's birthday and begin niala's. So so so happy to be HOME!

Mirror Day 7 (for nov 6 lol)
Idk what Master expects me to see now. How can i see anything but the happy girl he's created. Seriously though, i've been home since thursday (home being with Master and niala) and done nothing but float. It isn't always easy, but then i know i have them both. I am just happy. I see me smiling and i see Master's bite bruises over my heart. Right now things just seem so amazingly perfect. I love love love the way i'm feeling and have been feeling with Master and with niala too :).

Happy birthday to the best two people i know :)


11/5/2010 7:27:37 PM

Mirror day 6:
Yes this is todays and it is on time too :) Not going to lie, a good cry and a great talk makes all the difference it seems. Talking to Master and niala about some of the painful stuff and learning understand it all and to let it all go, helps you see yourself better. There really is no way to explain how i feel. It is like, understanding and admitting things i have never been able to admit before, really does help. Shame, hurt, its just gone. Learning to understand me and who i am, really does help me to let go of pain of the past. It's like a stepping to stone to my future. To who i am, who i should be. I'm starting to like who i see in the mirror.


11/4/2010 10:35:59 PM

Mirror day 5:
So this is technically my mirror for yesterday. But was excused as i was on a plane for hours then Master had me occupied. I guess my mirror experience was different to say the least, for the simple fact that it was doen with Master present. Which in and of itself was this amazing experience. Having him there as i see myself in the mirror as he was tying me with ropes. Is it crazy that I felt absolutely beautiful and amazing with him standing behind me. Well, definitely easy to say that all my fears and insecurites melt away with him here. That is not to say i wont ever have doubts and fears because i know that is impossible. Just nice to know that when i am with Master and in his arms, things areut better. Of course it doesn't hurt to have niala here too :). Who is just as much of a tease as Master is. Ahaha its okay shes pretty enough to get away with it. Deciding to fly here was the best decision i could have made. Being here with the both of them, i just feel so comfortable so right.


11/3/2010 8:59:05 PM

Mirror 3/4
So i forgot yesterdays mirror...oops. Lets just say I will not be happy if i miss another one. Besides feeling like i could do mroe with my hair that i just usually pull up, idk i feel different. Maybe I really am starting to see what Master sees. I love the way he looks at me and the way his eyes roam over my body. Idk sometimes, at least when i think of Master and how he looks at me, i feel beautiful. It's not all the time, but i definitely have my times now. More often than before.


11/3/2010 5:32:14 PM

Oh my gosh oh my gosh its likeut over 24 hours and i will be in SC in Master's arms. Soooooo happy and soooo excited and afriad that i am going to forget stuff. I know right now the hardest part about this whole thing is goign to be saying goodbye. I might cry to be honest. Ahhhh so happy.


10/31/2010 11:39:53 PM

Mirror day 2:
Well nothing has changed when i look in the mirror. Someday soon perhaps.

Everything else:
On a side not i have decided i look decent in my crappy bondage work, with practice self bondage will get better which means i will look dead sexy in it lol. And let me tell you having your boobs bounded even as simply and crappy as i did definitely changes the sensations and such. Add to that some wax on nipples, stomach, clit, and such...yeah intenseeee.


10/31/2010 10:58:57 AM

Being this exposed to Master is one thing. But to anyone who reads my journal, to be this exposed. Makes me a little nervous to say the least.
Master had me take him into the bathroom with me as i showered. Which wasn't that terrible of an idea. Kind of liked it to be honest. I could feeling him watching me. Seeing every move i made. It was like my skin was on fire. Love to know Master is pleased to be looking at me. The most astonishing thing, and it still surprises me everytime he has me do it is to tell me cum and i can without him even touching me. His words and his eyes drive me crazy. Never been a problem to be able to cum without touch with Master. It is scary and exhilerating and exciting and ahhh. Only thing better than to be showering and having Master watch me via cam, would be for him to be here.
My heart is no longer mine it seems. Meaning Master has it. Stole it actually, but then i'm not asking for it back.


10/30/2010 10:52:19 PM

Apparently i now have a new task...not one i am sure i like very much.
Mirror day 1:
Since the last time i looked in the mirrior, i feel like nothing has really changed. I am still me. I still see the weak sickly looking depressed girl in 8th grade. Who's family gave her shit for how she looked. I still see the girl who was chastized in subtle manners when i gained a few pounds here and there. I still see the girl from 2 years ago, weak, alone and scared. When i look into the mirrior i dont see anything special. Unclothed im self-concious. Arms over my  stomach to hide the lil bit of fat there, that has been so drilled into my head that it isn't okay to be there.
BUT...
Then i think of Master. Think of how he looks at me with such hunger. How he smiles when hes just staring at me. Sometimes it just makes me feel like maybe i am worth it?
Although it doesnt carry over from mind to how i view myself in the mirror yet...maybe my self image will get better? Maybe thats just wishful thinking. Blargh.


10/30/2010 9:37:43 PM

So know how i said leorah needs to be home wit her Master? Yesss well it is doubly true right now. I went out with friends to this haunted trail thingy and cried. Nothing would be better than being home with Master and niala and getting my mind off the creepy chainsaw guy. :( what was i thinking agreeing to going to that! Great night over all...just hate being away from home and where i belong


10/29/2010 9:29:16 PM

Leorah needs to be home :( It wont be just after christmas in foreverrrr. Hope it goes by quick. <3 Master your Leorah will be home soon


10/28/2010 9:09:41 PM

So much to say? Yeah i think so, but so much of me would just rather feel this. Hold onto this. Never thought it would be like this. Thought it would be months. But here i am...and i'm happy. But here's me... :)


10/22/2010 5:00:22 PM

Soon all of my old journals will be deleted. Sir has decided that even though he loves me, that he cant give me the attention i need to learn. Once again its over and for good this time i think. Picking up the pieces of my heart and gonna try and put it back together again.


6/13/2010 7:25:59 AM
You would think that with all the people who view my page, more people who say hello. Kind of sucks that people read my mail no response, not even a polite not interested. Kind of sucks everyone views my page without a single word. Just saying.

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chronicaSWITCH
 
 Age: 28
 Miami, Florida