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Nixa

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I feel like people won't read this, but for those who might, while I love making new friends, and chatting about a wide variety of subjects I'm not currently looking for a partner, either a dominant or a play partner. Between working 60 hours a week and going to school full time, most days I have no idea if I'm coming or going, so unless you'd like to join me at the gym I can't imagine where I'd put a relationship at this time. This is why I checked off just looking for friends. For those who actually read profiles, thank you for your time and best wishes on your search! I am first, and foremost, service oriented. Its a part of the fabric of my soul. I hope to find someone some day who understands what having a service oriented person means, and how to feed that exchange.

Kindness, personal growth, community involvement, family, and personal responsibility are all core values for me.

My personal philosophy is that Ms relationships take time. Time to get to know each other, time for trust to be earned on both side, time to grow.

Im also an experienced Sm switch with a penchant for sharp pokey things, and whips.

Service rests on the basic premise that the nature of life is sacred, that life is a holy mystery which has an unknown purpose. When we serve, we know that we belong to life and to that purpose. Fundamentally, helping, fixing, and serving are ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as a whole. Lastly, fixing and helping are the basis of curing but not healing. Only service heals. Rachel Naomi Remen, MD in the service of life.

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12/22/2023 9:18:05 AM

It's been a couple of years since I've been on here. Nice to see things up and working again. Need to do an overhaul of my profile.


4/9/2018 11:11:45 AM
Sometimes it's simply a matter of stopping and just breathing deeply for a few minutes.

3/31/2018 1:36:25 PM
You asked me what I want, and I've been giving that question a lot of thought.

I want to build my business into a clinic that becomes a well know connecting point for wellness.

I want to make enough money that I can actually put some away and return before I'm 90.

I want a reliable car and a home that is a sanctuary from the outside world.

I want to be the alpha who reigns over my home.

I want to build a family of choice. People who are open minded. Who work hard, care about and support each other, and are striving for their dreams. A family that encourages personal growth and actively supports it. People who understand whimsical but have the maturity to be practical and self motivated.

I want to be poly. I want to be able to open my heart and find love in a myriad of connections, not necessarily sexual either.

I want someone that I can serve, who understands service, how to receive it, how to feed the power and energy exchange that happens during it. I need this person to be someone outside of my home.

I want someone that will serve me, a few times a month. Someone to do something to make my life easier for a change. Service that could manifest in a variety of ways. From driving to events out of state, to coming in to my home and giving me a massage, or cooking a dinner, or even setting up my filing system.

I want someone that I can nurture, that I can build an exchange with and see it grow.

I want a Top with a sadistic streak. Someone who can take my out of my head and connect me back to my body. Who can feed on my pain and twist with me as it turns into pleasure.

I want a bottom who will let me suspend them in saran wrap and sew bells onto their body, or poor hot wax onto them after drawing on them with a popsicle. Someone who can take some pain with the sensation. Someone I can laugh and enjoy a scene with while we both revel in the energy exchange and connection.

I want a primary partner. Someone I can build a life with, rely on, and trust. Someone who is self motivated and pursuing their own dreams and personal development. Someone who sparks not just a love and nurturing feeling, but who I can't wait to kiss, lick, fuck, and make love to. Someone who doesn't mind giving me space when I need it, and who doesn't need me to constantly be there attending to them because they have their own life too. Someone who is confident and grounded.

I want to not just life my life, but I want to love my life. I want to wake up each day excited about the day, not dreading the ordeals.

There are things about us that fit so well into what I want. I'm just not sure where they fit, and how much you want to fit into the vision I see for my future. Some people come on our journey's for only a short time, a season or a reason, while I enjoy those people for the things they've added to my life, and the lessons I've learned from their presence, I am at a point in my life where I want people who will be with me for a life time.

3/30/2018 8:15:16 PM
The CFNM party is about popping cherries this coming month. Trying to decide what I haven't tried that might be fun to try at a party. The only thing that comes to mind is cleaning and oiling a pair of leather pants while they're on the wearer. Only problem is, I don't think I've ever seen anyone wear a pair of leather pants to this particular party...the men aren't in pants and the women are usually comfortable lol. Maybe I'll just watch and enjoy the atmosphere.

3/25/2018 7:09:04 AM
You asked if I'm capable of forgiveness. The simple answer would be yes. The more complicated one, less flattering, I am capable of it, but it's not something I'm good at extending. It took me years to forgive members of my family, and some I still haven't forgiven. I know I carry that attitude forward, and it's an area of weakness that I need to work on. I don't tend to expect forgiveness for my transgressions either. It's not a good attitude to have, but I'm still at a loss as to how to cultivate this trait without becoming a doormat.

The branding piece I carry on my back has flames for trial, a phoenix for strength and rebirth, but it lacks the final two pieces. The symbol for forgiveness that will go between the wings and an anchor. With each year that passes, I feel it's incompleteness and worry that it'll never be done. But I can't have those pieces added until I can feel them as part of my soul. Does that make sense?

3/23/2018 9:59:41 AM
Today I feel empowered, focused, and ready. Life is not going completely the way I want, and there's a lot of stress right now, but there is so much good right now too. I spent a lot of time last night deciding what it is I want and clarifying the vision of where I want my life to go and the type of people I want in my life. If you are not enriching my life in some manner, and I am not positively adding to yours, then what kind of exchange are we having? And why are we bothering? I think those are good questions to keep coming back to, because life is too short to keep negative, drama prone people around cluttering up our mental and physical space.

3/21/2018 8:44:57 PM
Good things for the week. I got to meet someone from here, that is totally awesome and I can see us being great friends! She and her Master brought so much good energy into my home. I hope they left with the same feeling.

I also got to learn some really important boundaries. I am not a fan of bars or drinking. I'm not against them, but they're not my scene. Every now and then I go to bar nights in Toledo to support my leather friends, or I'll go out with friends to play pool, darts, or things like that, but I don't like drinking. I have a seizure disorder, alcohol lowers my seizure thresh hold. I let myself be pressured into drinking, it was a stupid decision on my part. I also let someone walk all over me and get away with bad behavior because I was tired and just wanted to sleep. That ends too. There are things in life we just have to show up for, celebrating a holiday is not necessarily one of those, at least not in my book.

Another boundary, I do not like being groped in public. My pussy and my boobs are not your personal play ground when in a vanilla setting, it's crass and completely rude. I get that other people have different ideas and values about that, but this is my boundary, I encourage you to find those other people if this is something you need to do.

3/19/2018 8:40:54 PM
I am at a bar. Drinking. I hate both bars and drinking. I'm making up for killing St Patrick's day. I'd so much rather be home in bed. I'm boring I guess. But hey I worked all day. Did my first kick boxing class and had a blast. So...eh...

3/17/2018 10:10:18 PM
Spent the day packing and moving all of my sister's stuff, by myself. Come home totally exhausted. And now the Mister is pissed off at me because I didn't want to go out and party. I wonder if he'll remember the things he said to me tonight, when he's sober tomorrow... Apparently I'm a complete failure. I'm beautiful, talented, and caring which he loves, but he wants me to care less, not be as focused on work, to loosen up and socialize more....he wants me to change. And he's pissed that I moved my sister's apartment today and was too tired to party with him....you know what, I'm pissed that knowing why I'm tired, he's going off on me about this... Today sucked.

2/12/2018 6:12:22 PM
I have friction burns on my fingers, my elbows, my feet, and my face. But! I did more than just learn positions today, I actually rolled, woohoo!! omg, my hips are killing me. jiu jitsu for the win! lol, yeah the masochist in me is psyched. Although the guys seemed intent on waiting until I was on top of them with my boobs in their face to discuss the finer points of the moves with me....if I were the suspicious type I might wonder about that :P But I was excited to learn the whys behind what we were doing.

1/15/2018 5:30:31 PM
I'm really kind of proud of every bruise and matt burn on me today. My coach is right, every class I do a little bit better, and I feel like I can finally see it. So many things happening this year, so psyched!

1/12/2018 11:11:52 PM
Squeeeee!!! Energy high, lol. I had such an amazing news night!!!! Ok, so a party where all the men are naked and women wear whatever they please, well, I discovered a shy streak I hadn't previously been aware of, I made a lot of eye contact tonight! But at the same time it's a heady feeling to have the power dynamic shifted like that,usually it's women who are on display and being objectified. Once I got past all that and just started talking though, I met so many amazing people, male and female. I got to do an impact scene, which I'm still riding high on, such a sweet bottom. And I got my feet massaged, and then ended up giving two massages. If feel like all sides of my personality got to come out and play today....ok, maybe it was more my toppy sides, since the massages we're definitely more on the professional side, so service side but not the subby service side. I'm complicated :p Next party will be so much easier to attend now that I've gotten the first one out of the way and know a few people. The problem with being an introvert, staying home on the couch reading a good book just always sounds more appealing. I think the sibling was upset that I was attending a party without her....and it's probably horrible to say, but it was nice to not have her attached at my hip or holding court. Plus, she wasn't vetted to go. Ok, fine, I'm a horrible person and just didn't want her there. Sighs....if there's a hell, I'm probably going there. Happy sigh.....I love my purple paddle!

1/12/2018 11:56:30 AM
OMG! They're finished! My purple heart wood toy collection! She send me pictures and they look so fabulous! I can't wait to use them! 

1/11/2018 6:43:38 PM
I have the biggest bruise on my wrist, and absolutely no idea how it go there. I'm thinking this might be jiu jitsu related, every week I find new bruises somewhere on my body, with no memory of doing anything to bruise myself. This one certainly explains why my wrist hurt so much tuesday, you'd think I'd actually look at myself and check for these things. Sometimes my brain just doesn't connect stuff.

So total score for tomorrow, I have a willing bottom for an impact scene! So excited :) Debating what I want to wear, but I'll be going directly from work if I want to get there on time, and honestly, after giving five hours of massage I'm not certain I'm capable of looking like some domly bombshell....hell, on a good day I'm not sure I'm capable of that look. I'm honestly more inclined to wear black yoga pants with a black tank top and my hair in pigtails :P

1/11/2018 8:29:34 AM
So there is a writer on another kink site that shared a wonderful piece she wrote called, "What I've learned from the mountains". Within that piece SpanishRed wrote this one line, "Stagnant water cannot be trusted any more than stagnant people can. Stillness festers."


I feel like in one sentence she summed up my life. Something I've always said is that I am incapable of stagnation. Life is constantly about change for me. Which is slightly odd, because I HATE change. You have absolutely no idea how much I hate change. When life is going well and I'm comfortable and set, I have absolutely no desire to change. Even when life isn't going all that well, at least I know what the demons in my life are and I'm comfortable with that, but at the same time, mentally I start to get stressed and to plummet. I don't do well unless I'm constantly pursuing personal growth, professional challenge, and learning new things. So I'm drawn to people who are working hard and also pursuing change, personal growth, and professional challenges in their lives. To me pursuing change is a way of control in my life, self efficacy is an important core value for me.

I honestly miss my compass pendant, but if I can find another one I think I might have that last part, "Stillness festers", engraved on it. Because for me, that's seriously true.

1/11/2018 2:33:12 AM
Good morning kinky people! It's down right warm outside here in MI! Enjoy the reprieve :)

1/10/2018 5:25:38 PM
Note to self, do not operate phone when drugged. I fell asleep talking to my best friend while eating dinner, dropped my phone into the cheese sauce....I now know where the speaker is on my phone. Ugh. Anyone know how to get cheese out of a phone speaker? And of course the lady from the job wanted to do a phone interview tonight....maybe it's good the phone is currently clogged, I can just imagine how that interview would have gone with me still drugged. Blasted brain. Hmmm, maybe a toothpick?

1/10/2018 1:14:40 PM
 today has been an absolutely wasted day. I think it's the weather change, but I woke up with a terrible migraine that just knocked me on my ass. The pain is much better now, but I'm sitting here debating whether I'm even capable of going to the BJJ class tonight, I want to go, but my body is always fatigued after a migraine.  I'm not sure if it's the way the medications for the migraine work, or if it's the amount of inflammation hormones that get released into the body. So obnoxious when you have things to do, people to see, places to go. I did register for the Subs in service intensive down in Columbus for April, and attempted to register for the OhioSMART Summer School Service weekend in May, but hit a snag with their tickets, so waiting on clarification before registering. Laura Antoniou is suppose to be one of the presenters, she wrote The Market place series, which I enjoyed reading although I found the settings to be completely unrealistic. Then again, why think within realistic boxes when creating a story? I think it's her idea of service that appeals to me. I much prefer Cherise Sinclair's renderings of D/s, S/m, and M/s relationships better though, as they involve the emotional and realistic life aspects to her characters. Plus, the idea of protective and badass D types, who wouldn't like that? I love reading, and I find myself drawn to others who also like to read, a full and diverse library is sexy as hell.

Sighs, back to napping, have I mentioned how much I whine when I'm not feeling well? I get on my own nerves.


1/9/2018 7:29:37 PM
QOTD-"stagnant water cannot be trusted anymore than stagnant people can. Stillness festers."

1/9/2018 3:41:47 PM
Applied for the job, let the chips fall where they may. Gosh I'm sore, BJJ is perfect for my inner masochist.

1/8/2018 8:56:48 PM
So I have a job opportunity that just dropped into my lap. It's north, so it would involve a long commute at least until July when my lease is up, but it pays more then my current position, and works more in the medical field, with complex cases, specifically looking for someone with my certifications and qualifications. I'm torn between keeping my word to my current boss that I would stay two more years, but stagnating and continuing to have an uncertain budget, or trying for this new position that would allow growth but would have an uncertain budget until I could build up clientele.....I'm leaning towards applying and just seeing what the details really are and how much of a chance i'd actually have of the position.

1/8/2018 4:38:03 PM
I still suck at BJJ, but it never fails, I leave there feeling totally badass! Lol and sore, very sore.

1/8/2018 6:00:19 AM
It's Monday!!!! That means tomorrow I have off, and tonight I get my ass kicked in BJJ lol, crap. I'm both super excited to get back into it, and dreading it at the same time, but at least now I have a gi that isn't strangling my diaphragm. I have delusions of going to the gym tomorrow morning too, because someone told me it's the best way to work through the muscle soreness. We shall see. Yay Mondays! Have a great week everyone!

1/7/2018 7:43:35 PM
I should have been born male. I mean how awesome it would have been to not have been born with a uterus that spends a week, every month, for years trying to squeeze painfully out of my body! Not only that, I wouldn't need to worry about hormonal mood swings that attack on an ebb and flow basis all month long. Wouldn't have to worry about bloating, headaches associated with said hormonal changes, or any of that shit. Plus, all your toys are on the outside for easy access playing, voila! Men just don't get it, ftm's don't get it either, except for the hormone thing to some extent. So here's something you might get, you ever get a Charlie horse (severe cramp) in your lower leg during the night? You know the kind that causes you to jump out of bed to try and stand on your foot to help it go away? All the while swearing because it feels like your muscle is trying to twist itself viciously off your leg? Ok, now imagine that in your lower abdomen, only standing doesn't help. And then pain shoots down your inner thighs to your knees and wraps around to your spine, and you feel nauseous, and light headed, and to make it worse you've got blood coming out you at the same time, but you have to walk around with a smile and continue with your life, because your pain and bleeding is no reason not to be present and productive. So yeah, be fucking glad you were born without a uterus. Damn thin is fucking Sybil.

1/6/2018 12:21:41 AM
We all hold our own truths on how we experience and perceive the world and each other. I'm finding the older I get the more I realize how very different all of our truths can be. And the sadder I am that it's rare that you can actually find someone who doesn't speak to their truth without being defensive and closed to listening and exchanging ideas. I think it's very much an automatic thing, to need to defend ourselves and our views, I know I do it too. One of the things I'm working on this year is listening, actively listening with an open mind and a goal to understand. Of all my goals, I think this might be the most challenging.

1/5/2018 1:38:37 PM
So I'm going to my first cfnm party next Friday, I'm really excited about it. A friend of mine suggested I go and after talking with the organizer and reading through the group I think it'll be a positive experience. Might even bring my toy bag and find some nice bottom to redden. I was going to bring my sutures, but I think I want to scope the environment first, I'll bring them to February's party instead. It'd be nice to have a regular party to attend again. That along with the leather party in Ohio on the 27th seems like enough socializing to me. Which is one of my goals, to attend at least one event a month. Otherwise the introvert in me is very content to stay home, and you just don't meet people that way.

1/5/2018 9:22:40 AM
I'm on a TED talk kick lately, specifically learning about communication, success, and change. It's interesting.

Good afternoon kinky people! I hope you're having an awesome new year so far! :)

1/3/2018 5:44:20 PM
Seriously thinking of getting a cat. I'd get a dog too, but I'm really not home enough, poor thing would be home alone too long. A cat is a bit more independent though, and it would be nice to have a furry baby to spoil again.

1/3/2018 11:05:22 AM
Over the last 36 or so hours, I've been doing a lot of processing of a scene I had monday evening. In that process, I was reminded of a couple of things about myself, and about people in general.

I am a masochist, how I perceive pain is wired a bit differently in my body. Stingy pain tends to ground me, keep me from disassociating and allow me to feel my skin more fully. I LOVE stingy sensations. Thuddy tends to do the opposite unless I've already warmed up with stingy, it's hard for me to process thuddy pain if I'm not warmed up. Cuttings put me to sleep. Brands put me into such a state of euphoria, good luck asking me to be present for several hours. Pain calms me down, grounds me, turns me on. But it can also go the opposite way just as easily.


I have complex PTSD. Long term sexual and physical trauma miswired so many things in my body chemically. I disassociate easily when under threat, it literally feels like I start to separate from my body and my mind turns foggy. When I was attacked and raped as an adult I literally no longer felt present, I couldn't feel what was being done to my body, I couldn't stop him, my body was there but I was literally gone somewhere else. And by that point I'd been in therapy for many years, but my brain still responded to a severe threat by instantly distancing me from it. Also what my brain and body perceive on instinct, as a threat, is not necessarily what my rational brain knows is a threat. You slap my face, even if it's not hurting me, and my vision starts to get blurry on the edges. If I perceive you're angry with me, even if it's not a violent anger, I start to feel distant. If you become violently angry with me, I become very quiet and it's a struggle for me to remain present. This isn't something I control.

I don't handle anger well. I push anger down, over and over again, because to me anger is bad. Unfortunately, this also means when I finally can't stuff the anger down anymore I end up blowing up at what might occasionally be only a minor issue that would be better handled a different way. Again, I've been in therapy for a long time, this is still something I'm working on, it's gotten better.

I'm hyper-vigilant. If you were to quietly stand in a doorway behind me, I would know you were there. I am aware of anyone in the vicinity to me. Of every little sound, smell, and movement. It makes living with other people rather hellish for me. Much less sleeping with them, in fact if anyone else is in my room, much less my bed, I simply don't sleep, I'm too busy mentally cataloging every little, itty, bitty detail of what they're doing and how they're doing it, it sucks. I normally HATE people coming up behind me. It takes a lot of trust for me to allow someone to stand behind me, even more for me to let them wrap their arms around me from behind. Most people find comfort in being hugged from behind, for me it triggers being hyper aware of every little sound and twitch coming from that person. This was an issue I had to work through in order to even play when I came into the scene. I had a top who had the patience of a saint when he worked with me, but it's still something that I have to consciously accept and deal with whenever it happens, even from people I WANT to hug and man handle me from behind me. My ex used to love coming up behind me while I was cooking or washing dishes and hugging me, it upset him a lot when I would stiffen each and every time. I was 12 when I was pushed up against a sink and raped, I still remember the feel of the counter digging into my hip bones. Later that year I was doing dishes when I was beaten with a belt, so severely I had welts from my neck to my ankles. People being behind me is always perceived as a threat by my body. My rational mind is constantly having to over ride that initial reaction.

I have a very low arousal thresh hold. And no, i'm not thinking sexual arousal, I'm talking about physical response arousal. My fight or flight response kicks in very easily. If you scream at me, if you threaten me, if you hurt me - even when I've asked for you to hurt me, I will start to shake. It's adrenaline being pumped into my system. It happens easily and my body doesn't shut that response down when it should, it's like the on and off switch to my fight or flight response is broken. Think of when you've had a near miss with a car accident. That rush of adrenaline you get as your body perceives threat before it even registers in your mind. My body does that, without my permission, over every damn little thing it feels threatened by. And whereas someone else may take a deep breathe and start to calm down, I will shake for hours. When I discovered this reaction in response to play, I also discovered there's a very simple way to get my body to counter this reaction, to make it less painful an experience, touch. Safe, protective, nurturing, touch with intent. The easiest and most convenient, and just plain enjoyable way is to cuddle for aftercare. Give me some water, pop in a chocolate, and wrap me against your side in a blanket, I will happily float and come down gently. Even curling up between his legs with my head on his thigh and his hand in my hair helps. hell, doesn't even have to be his hand. Touch has the power to trigger fight-flight-freeze, but it also has the power to trigger chemicals that counter it, like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin.

I used to have a very firm aftercare policy. Since I hadn't really played in ages, I forgot about it, but I NEED touch to come down. I don't play with tops who refuse to do aftercare, or arrange for a surrogate to do aftercare because if the adrenaline and cortisol following the endorphin rush are allowed to run amuk, the following 24 hours becomes extremely difficult for me.

BDSM isn't therapy. To me it's something I enjoy. The dance of dominance and submission, of pain and pleasure. But BDSM is also something I walk a fine line with when I do it. That line is easier to negotiate when I have a D type who is walking that line with me, willing to understand and learn. But if you can't do that, then I need to consider not playing with you because the cost of doing it alone is high, sometimes more than I can cover.




1/3/2018 4:39:56 AM
How my brain processes events surprises me sometimes. The initial chaos that turns into a logical conclusion in the end. It's like, "seriously brain? That's the conclusion you came to from that swirling mass of random thoughts and emotion? Huh.".

12/28/2017 9:06:52 PM
There are many things that draw me to BDSM. One of the big things is the the constant ways, little and big, that it challenges me to consider who I am, to defend my own beliefs, thoughts, and who I am as a person.

I came in as a bottom and a masochist. As time has gone on, I've found that changing, evolving, becoming something more...and less. Those first three years were such an amazing experience of growth and experimentation. So many lessons. I played so hard those first four years. Was hurt, was harmed, loved, healed, and learned so very much. The people I met in those years, they are forever etched on my soul. 

I remember a conversation I had with a dear friend a few years ago, I was missing the beatings, the pain, the scenes. I'd had to put everything on hold while in massage school. I wondered if I'd be able to handle the same level of pain when I returned to the scene. I wondered if I'd need the same level of pain. She smiled and told me her experience. How extreme her need for pain and humiliation had gotten, to the point where she had all sorts of humiliating words carved into her chest by a sadist. It was a reflection of where she was mentally at the time, and the pain she was in...later she had a trusted friend whip her chest until the words were obliterated under scars. She still enjoyed the pain, but she didn't need it to the same level. She still enjoyed the humiliation, but only from a trusted few, and even that lessened over time.

I find my need for pain has lessened as I healed from my past. I don't need it to connect to my body and my emotions anymore. I don't need it to control my anger. I don't NEED the pain. But sometimes I miss the sensations...and I miss the connection to the top inflicting those sensations. I can occasionally be a bottom. I'll always be a masochist, it's how I'm wired in my reaction to certain extreme types of pain. But the need is more a connection then a coping method anymore.

As time as gone on, the sadist in me has come more and more forward, every time I top. I'm not sure what that says about me, or who I am. The masochist in me I can understand, you inflict pain on a person at a young enough age, systematically and without any way for them to escape, and the body wires itself differently. What makes a sadist though? Why does an expression of pain under my control make me smile, make me giddy, make me want to do it again? Yet it's only that way when I have permission. Inflicting pain on someone unwilling makes me physically nauseous.  It is just very odd to me, but I like the complexity. I like needing to know the tools I'm using and the body that's under them. I like getting to know the person I'm scening with, how they tick, and what they need, and building a scene. I don't get to do it nearly as often as I like.

That same part of me really enjoys that moment when a submissive serves me, or kneels by me and sincerely takes pleasure in simply pleasing me. It's a rare thing for me, and not something I ever thought I'd want seriously, but I find myself still wanting to pursue that aspect of my personality. It's such at odds with my own need to kneel, to serve, to please. The enjoyment I receive from other submissives, from watching them serve, from playing with them, from being able to say, "Good girl", "Good pet", "good boy", it's not necessarily sexual in any way, it's something deeper and more nurturing.

The two men I specifically met for that purpose though, the connection wasn't there. I didn't quite accept that at the time, it was easier to say, "No, i'm not a dominant." yet, the thought, the desire, the need, it's still there. Popping up to whisper in my mind.  The same way that submissive side of me nags at me to serve, to submit. The switchy conundrum.

I've always considered myself straight. I've been in sexual situations, threesomes, foursomes, where pleasuring the other women was included in some way, it was pleasant but not really a turn on, so I've never considered female submissives, or dominants. I still wouldn't consider a female dominant, for many reasons. But...perhaps I need to reconsider female submissives. Afterall, I have no problem playing with female bottoms....a friend suggested a find a young female pet. I'm not certain about that at all. But there's this thought circling in my head. curious.

12/27/2017 3:47:12 PM
About three times a year I sit down and figure out where I am in my plans for my life, make adjustments, scrap some parts of what I want, figure out where I want my path to go. Of course, that old saying, if you want the universe to laugh, tell it your plans. But I had a friend who was adamant that telling your plans to the universe allowed them to stay clear and happen. Who knows which is right? I just know I like figuring out where I am, and where I want to go, how can I get there?

I have a lot of professional and personal goals that I wont bore you with, but I've been giving some serious thought to my bdsm/kink/relationship goals.

I'd really like to work on my family of choice ties this year. I have some amazing friends, and I want to build on those friendships. Making sure I reach out to my close friends at least once a week, rather than realizing belatedly that three months has past and I haven't made time for those that are important to me.

I want to explore poly more. To find steady play partners. To explore this link with this D type I'm hoping to meet soon. To explore in general. I tend to bury myself in work, and neglect the personal side of my life, this year I want to work on finding the balance.

I want to attend the Butchmann's experience this year, on the Master side. And I want to attend the Service Intensive in Ohio in April.  If time and money permits, I also want to attend either the bootblack round up or SEEK. I want to explore both side of my switchiness.

12/25/2017 6:10:43 AM
One of the small pleasures of the day, that initial full body stretch when first waking up! Mmmm, I feel like a cat. Good morning kinky people! Happy and safe holidays!

12/24/2017 6:12:33 PM
Nuru massage, intriguing. I'm curious to try giving one.

12/23/2017 2:22:56 PM
Wonders what it would be, to go to a party with a Dominant I'm serving, be allowed to top and play at that party, but to  know at any point he could raise his hand and I'd be expected to be at his feet, called back from top space to serve him...I'm not sure I could make that switch very well in my head without there being a power struggle between us, even a subtle one....and would he even notice the struggle? it's a curious thought.

12/23/2017 1:42:15 PM
Debating whether I want to go to a play party for new years eve or not...a part of me very much wants to, but 1) I don't know many people at this particular party and I don't want to go just to watch, and 2) I really would prefer to go without the sibling, and that would cause quite a bit of disharmony and drama at home. I am seriously looking forward to her moving, just so I can go out without drama.

It would be nice to start the new year with a cock in my mouth...or tied up...or standing over someone I've tied up and happily beating them, i'm flexible like that :P

12/23/2017 2:07:07 AM
I do a lot of journaling that never actually makes it to being posted. Thinking of going back to a leather bound journal and actually writing again. Save everyone from the chatter. And omg, why can't I sleep? Seriously. It's 5am, do you know where your sleep has gone? Mine is apparently partying without me.

12/22/2017 11:57:32 PM
Tied down, trusting, vulnerable, open and at his Mercy...round and round the thought goes in my head. This is my brain when I should be sleeping.

12/22/2017 10:18:55 PM
Always interesting to watch karma at work.

12/21/2017 10:11:54 PM
masturbating and edging for three hours just can't be healthy....I think my clit hates me right now O.o

12/17/2017 5:58:07 PM
I need a cuddle partner...maybe it's time to get a cat.

Or a new toy, hmmm...decisions, decisions...a new dildo, something big and wide? or, a butt plug, maybe one with a fuzzy tail, ha! yeah right, those would probably be too big, hmm maybe a training set of anal plugs...or a new wand...or something clampy....or new rope? or a set of urethral sounds?

12/16/2017 1:07:15 PM
So I talk to a lot of people on here. I enjoy exchanging communication, getting new perspectives and ideas, and making friends. I've met some interesting people over the years, had some good and not so good experiences, and just generally found collarspace to be a resource worth exploring, once you wade through the assholes, idiots, and scam artists. I also totally mean what I say on my profile page, I'm here mostly to keep in contact with friends, I'm not looking for anything specific. Life to me is a journey that I walk by myself, others walk along my path with, sometimes only in passing, other times for longer lengths with deeper intimacy and purpose.

Every now and then I meet someone who challenges my concept of myself, Imustbecrazy is one of those people. We've been talking almost daily for a couple of months now, and it's been, again, an interesting exchange of ideas, philosophies, and possibilities. He makes me question my beliefs about my own submissive side and what I'm capable of, which is intriguing. He's also very clear on what he wants from me, which is not necessarily what I want, I don't do online relationships, or long distance, so until we meet I'm feeling reserved about what I want from him in return. I find it difficult to necessarily connect with people who are words on a screen, until I can put a face and a voice, a context behind the words. Which probably makes me rather difficult to deal with for a lot of people. Imustbecrazy seems to be enjoying the challenge though, guess he picked the right name ;)

I feel intrigued though. Where will this go? No idea if this communication will go anywhere, but we shall see.

I do feel like I also need to reiterate a personal policy of mine, because I'm constantly having to repeat myself. While I do consider myself poly, I also have a rather firm concept of practicing ethical poly. Meaning all parties are aware of each other, boundaries understood, and communication freely flowing. If you are married or in a committed relationship and your partner is either aware, or has a policy of not knowing about your other involvements, then I will not be involved with you. We might have awesome, off the charts chemistry, a lot in common, and totally want to get it on and have sexy, fun times, but as soon as I know that you are partnered already and I can't talk to that person promptly, then we're done. If you have a problem with that policy, it is just that, your problem, not mine.

12/15/2017 8:36:49 PM
Decisions, decisions...So tomorrow is a bar night, raising funds for various people in Ohio running for leather titles, it's being hosted by some good friends of mine and a group of leather bears. I even got invited to bootblack if I want to...which is downright bribery and my friend knows it. So going back and forth between a fun and lovely night with friends bootblacking at a gay leather event, being all supportive...or, a peaceful, quiet night enjoying the last weekend without the sibling around.....crap

12/15/2017 9:31:53 AM
Stone Sour is playing at EMU in February, I SOOO want to go!

12/15/2017 4:10:03 AM
So, I'm not trying to be rude but messages that simply say, "Hi", are generally ignored. Conversation is a two way street, hi gives me very little beyond idle conversation to participate in and go with, be more interesting. Idle chitchat is tedious at best.

12/14/2017 7:51:16 PM
Where do you feel your emotion? You hear people talking about heart break, why? they feel it in their chest muscles. I feel sadness and loneliness in my hands, anxiety in my throat, happiness in my stomach, anger in my shoulders and feet...stuff any emotion down and eventually when someone works on those muscles you have what we call an emotional release. I've had people spontaneously burst into tears, or start laughing, of get really angry, when massaging them...all memories being released, held deep in their muscles.

Random thought for the night.

12/13/2017 7:20:53 PM
I have a very talented friend, she made me a purple heart paddle, and then last week she made me a purple heart knife, which is pretty damn pointy and I absolutely love it! So she messages me and asks if I would like two bludgeons, a cricket bat, and drum sticks, all of the same purple heart wood. The cost is only a couple of massages. Hell yes! I LOVE this purple wood! And her work is solid. I love that I have talented friends, and a talent I can trade on occasion :)

I tell you, I absolutely loved sewing beads onto my friend, hearing her gasp, growl, and finally getting a "Fuck You!" out of her, which is totally what one is aiming for when they play with her. It gave me such a high. But I really missed being able to cuddle or fuck someone afterwards. One of the reasons I don't do too much pick up or casual play, that thump when the endorphins and adrenaline wears off is jarring.

I was trying to remember the other day when the last time was that I sub spaced. I think it was just after I finished massage school, which next month will be three years ago. If I remember correctly it was bdsm night at the local swingers club, which I absolutely loved because it had a stripper pole on the dance floor, I took pole dancing classes because of that pole. And had so many fantasies of being able to perform a whip dance on that dance floor. of coming into the room wearing just a skirt of scarves, of seeing my master seated on the other side of the room, his whip coiled in his hand, laying on his lap. making eye contact and him tilting his head just a little bit...of sinking to my knees and crawling across the floor to him, reaching his feet and lowering my forehead to rest on his foot. Of feeling his hand settle on the back of my neck, gripping it firmly before sliding up into my hair and pulling my head up sharply to looking him in the eye...as he takes his whip and runs it's coiled length along my face, he leans back and says one word to me, "Dance", putting the whip in my mouth and settling back in his chair...crawling backwards a few paces, I stand gracefully, whip still in my mouth, putting my arms in the air so my full breasts are prominent and swaying along with my hips, my dancing arms and hands...keeping my eyes focused on my master as I use my body to show my love, my appreciation, my devotion....hearing the cracking of other whips from the side lines, of other whip masters adding to the energy, the moment...taking the whip out of my mouth and using it to show my own skill....feeling the occasional sharp bite when I get too close to the side lines and a whip sneaks out to bite.....of dancing till my skin is shiny with sweat, my hair tangles...until I have nothing left for the dance,, and I sink to my kneels, whip again between my teeth....crawling back to my Master.....offering up the whip in both hands above my head, my head and eyes lowered....waiting to see if he accepts my dance for him....


~smiles~ Course, that was before I actually tried having a master and realized I truly suck as a slave. c'est la vie.

12/13/2017 3:27:01 PM
I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit grateful for the snow, and the cancellation of my class tonight. My hamstrings are screaming at me. Stretching is helping a lot though.

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

12/12/2017 6:55:54 PM
So they gave me this gi when I signed up for jiu jitsu, and I'm sure it's a perfectly good gi, the problem is that it's "unisex", and as all women know, unisex really means made for a frame without hips, ass, or boobs. I look fairly ridiculous in this thing. I've also discovered I spent a lot of time on my back, with my legs wrapped around a man I don't know, or on top of him with his face smooshed into my boobs. I was really surprised at the amount of students willing to partner with me tonight, till I realize I was the only female in the class, and most of the moves required them getting up close and personal with my boobs, it totally amused me.

I have the most interesting bruises everywhere too. My inner masochist is totally on an endorphin high. Now, I'm going to see which works better, biofreeze or ice.

12/12/2017 2:55:50 PM
So, I'm going, because I made a commitment to go...but it's cold out and I'd much rather be inside my warm apartment relaxing. Instead, I will go, punish my poor body in a grueling work out, two days in a row and keep my commitment. ~groans~ yay jiu jitsu lol

12/10/2017 5:57:14 PM
I'm always surprised by the level of cranky I get when I'm over tired. Sleep is definitely one of those things that strongly, and very directly, effects my mood. And once I start sleeping less, it becomes harder for me to convince myself to get to sleep again, until I just about pass out.  Or I take a nap and wake up bitchy as hell, naps are so not good for me either. Oiy.

12/10/2017 12:40:57 PM
Such a lovely weekend. Sometimes I don't realize how much I need to recharge, until I have the opportunity to do so. A weekend with other like minded friends was just what I needed. All of us s types, subs, slaves, and switches. To talk about our goals, our philosophies, things we struggle with, and things that hope to accomplish. Being able to play, to top, was icing on the cake.

So much happy moments in this weekend.

12/9/2017 6:18:22 PM
Suturing on beads to a pretty woman and then flicking them with an evil stick, and brushing with a paint brush = happy space! Was thinking bells sewn on to testicles would be festive.

12/7/2017 5:47:44 PM
Did I say I wasn't in pain? hahahaHA...omg...what muscle wasn't abused last night? Apparently I used my stomach muscles a whole lot more than I thought. And my Quads have a huge "Fuck you" going on....do you know how hard it is to give a massage when your quads are pissed off? very hard... But tuesday I go do it again, probably just about the time I start hurting so much lol So yeah, I'm not whining, my masochist is cheering :P

12/7/2017 6:55:08 AM
Much to my surprise, I'm not in as much pain today as I thought I would be. I think my quads are the only muscle group seriously complaining. Yay!!!!

12/6/2017 6:03:46 PM
Did my first Brazillian Jiu Jitsu class tonight, omg...my muscles are screaming, but I'm so proud of myself for getting through it without passing out lol. I'll get better.

12/6/2017 1:24:36 PM
Debating if I really want to go to Las Vegas for a week in August....or, I can go the DC for a week...still in August, both for professional reasons. Decisions, decisions...

12/5/2017 10:50:07 AM
Ugh! So bummed! I was suppose to start a volunteer job at the VA hospital, get all the paperwork done and find out that their regulations directly go against my licensure. I was so looking forward to working there. :/ I know, only I get excited about working more and not getting paid.

12/4/2017 10:25:53 AM
Nailed it! ~funky happy dance~

12/2/2017 7:25:50 PM
I just read the best note on FL, the title was, "Guys, The clitoris is not a fucking fidget spinner!!"


It was perfect! and written by a guy no less, I was impressed.

11/30/2017 10:36:54 AM
LOVE productive mornings! Now for work lol

11/29/2017 8:40:25 PM
I will never understand my body. I love these messages I get from people telling me all the things I already know about my body and it's many faults. Most of the time when I'm working out, sleeping enough, and actually eating none of those comments mean shit to me. When they start to bother me, I know something is off balance.

Tonight was so frustrating. Trying on outfit after outfit, trying to find something I liked...and none of the stuff from before my move fitting...I know what I did differently then, I was working 80+ hours a week between three physically demanding jobs. YOu do that much, you're too tired to eat most of the time. I was walking 14+ miles a day, frequently being awake 36 hours straight before passing out for five hours and doing it all over again. I pushed my body to the point of exhaustion....and nothing I did created a slim body...although, I look back at the pictures and I realize I was harsh on myself and how I looked at the time.

Now, even with all the working out, the weight lifting, and calorie restrictions, my body is stubbornly saying fuck you, and refusing to do more than just change shape. I had hoped to get the weight loss surgery to help reverse whatever my eating disorder in my 20's messed up in my metabolism, but they said no. I'm ridiculously healthy and yeah, no, denied. So I figured hey, I can follow the diet the post surgery patients go on, afterall, it's got more food in a day then I had in a month when I was younger....yeah, well apparently when you're nolonger mentally fucked up, and you haven't had your internal organs rewired, living on protein shakes and low calorie, low fat, low fucking everything, you walk around hungry...all...the...damn..time...and after a month of this shit, I still haven't lost weight!

I'm frustrated, i'm tired, and dammit I want a cookie!

So yeah, to the assholes who feel free to message me about my body, screw you, go fuck yourself...unless you have a cookie, leave the cookie THEN go fuck yourself.

11/29/2017 4:35:55 PM
Sometime in the last few years I changed. I guess I hadn't realized just how much I'd changed until I pulled all my fetish wear out, put on those fabulous five inch heeled boots and mini skirt and didn't feel comfortable in it anymore. Out of all the outfits, my skinny jeans and a pair of heels were about all that I did feel comfortable in.

11/28/2017 8:53:32 AM
STD testing done, woohoo! HIV negative, and the other tests will come back next week. It really is a peace of mind feeling when you get that news.

Also met with the advisor at the college and got some surprising advice that I need to consider.

Overall, a productive day!

11/27/2017 7:39:57 AM
The problem with knowing you have the time to sleep in, is convincing yourself to leave the warmth and coziness of the covers to start your day early. Lazy morning.

11/22/2017 8:39:48 PM
And this is the problem with going to bed so early. By 11:30p, I'm wide awake. I love when people leave up old writings that bring back good memories. I had a sadist for about a year up in Maine. I lovely gentleman who had quite the way with canes and a dragons tail, and was the best cuddler for aftercare. At the time he had two masochists and his submissive under his care, he called us his red squirrels lol. God we got into so much trouble, buts had so much fun making him smile. He jokingly referred to us as his hurricane, his Sam, and his imp. That was such a good year.

Today I am grateful for old friends and new. For the ones who came into my life for only a reason, only a season, and those who are staying for the duration.

Today I am grateful for a job that I love.

Today I am grateful for those who knocked me down so that I learned to stand on my own two feet again.

I'm grateful for the Dominants who gave me an appreciation for submission and service.

I'm grateful for the submissives who triggers a need to nurture, protect, and occasionally torture in mutually enjoyable ways.

Today I'll even be grateful to my sister, who is teaching me conflict resolution skills and lots about dysfunctional psychology.

Happy turkey day to the people in the states.

11/22/2017 4:20:19 PM
I lack filters when I'm over tired. Like seriously lack them. Not good.

11/22/2017 3:12:38 PM
Finally got around to watching the last Transformers movie...seriously underwhelmed. :/

11/22/2017 12:08:23 PM
Routine STD testing scheduled! Six month mark kind of slid by when I wasn't looking, so a bit overdue. But safety is sexy as hell. You had your testing recently?

11/22/2017 4:47:31 AM
"In my defense, I was left unsupervised." I need this shirt!

11/22/2017 4:20:56 AM
Good morning kinky people!:)

11/22/2017 2:42:10 AM
If one must be up at the crack of dawn, then there definitely should be orgasms as a reward.

11/21/2017 8:58:18 PM
Caffeine late in the evening when you have to be up at the crack of dawn might not have been a good idea.

11/21/2017 3:37:50 PM
So, she came to me last night and informed ME, that I had to move out....so SHE could take over my lease and get a roommate, because that is what works best for HER. I have to admit, I was so floored I must have looked like a gapping fish.

I know divorce makes people a bit nuts, but I didn't realize it made them lose their fucking minds.

I invited her to live her for a couple of months while she got back on her feet...four months later this is what she presents me? Fuck that shit, familial obligation only goes so far.

11/21/2017 11:47:42 AM
I don't see how computers have made registering for college any easier. The whole process is so convoluted.

11/21/2017 6:44:42 AM
So, I've decided the hair needs to go. The former blond in my hair just won't accept color, so time for a short hair cut. Like really short, just not sure which style. I've never had really short hair, this could be fun!

11/20/2017 8:16:30 PM
"Yes, the rum is gone!
But, WHY IS THE RUM GONE?!"

lol, I love this movie

11/20/2017 9:02:36 AM
So I'm planning on going to the DSK party on the 1st, trying to decide if I want to go to the BOE party on the 2nd. The following weekend is the S-tribe gathering...it just feels like a lot of socializing. But on the other hand, I have the time available, so why not? It's a rare thing.

I have an outfit picked out for the 1st. It's a blue jean pleated skirt with a high waist, and a pair of knee high boots that look like work boots but with a 4 inch heel. I figure that paired with a white tank top would look cute, just need to get some thigh highs or nylons to go with it. Or I could wear that saturday and wear all black, if I decide to boot black that would make more sense. I still haven't decided yet if boot blacking would be a good idea or not, I'm not sure my hand can tolerate it right now. Might be more healed by then though.

Or I could just stay home, which doesn't sound appealing oddly enough.

11/19/2017 6:07:24 PM
I was browsing through videos and began watching different body language tips. I find body language fascinating, maybe because it's something I rely so heavily on in my every day life. When I meet someone my brain is already observing everything from the tiny muscles in your face, to how you hold your arms, your feet, do you tilt away from me or are you tilting towards me? Do you invade my space, or are you holding yourself separate and guarding your space? So many things you don't say are already speaking to me.

Growing up I was one of those many kids who had to be hypervigilant. Being so hyper aware was how I kept track of rapidly changing moods, it's how I knew to duck and get out of the way of being hurt. As an adult that awareness came in handy for my career. From the moment my client is within my eye sight I'm assessing their muscles, their posture, their body language, even their mannerisms. It all gives me important clues on what issues brought them to me, how I can communicate with them, how I can help them. That hyperawareness doesn't stop at the end of the massage, it doesn't turn off till that person is out of my presence.

In past careers it help me to anticipate a patients need before they even asked. Keeping on top of my patients needs so that they were comfortable and taken care of early meant less problems later.

When I got involved in bdsm it became something I continued to try and bring over, to become a new skill set in this world. As a top is means I'm constantly assessing you, our interactions, and how far I can push. As a bottom/sub/slave I haven't done as well. Which is incredibly frustrating. It might just be the dominants I've had interactions with or been involved with, but I had such a hard time reading them. Sometimes it was that they were just very closed off and guarded people. OTher times they'd be lost in their own heads and not really connected to reality much less to themselves. The few times though, that I could read them, it was like magic. That twitch of their hand that brought me to their side, that crinkling around their eyes that let me know they were pleased, that indefinable glint that let me know i'd woken up the sadist, the tension in their shoulders that let me know they were very aware of what I was doing and taking note, that relaxed pose that meant I could relax with them. So many little things, so very individualized.

Even just meeting people for the first time, hypervigilance is a skill that can come in handy. I love eye contact, the eyes are the window to what a person is really thinking. It makes the conversation so much easier to keep going. When someone wont make eye contact, or they're very stoic and quiet, conversation because a grim determination to pull words out, until finally, why bother?

Body language isn't always correct. Sometimes people have thoughts going through their head that have nothing to do with the current situation, or outside stressors that are happening while they're with you. This leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation and misunderstandings....but just think of how much you can say, when you know a person well, without ever saying a word? It's like watching that couple who've been together 50 years interact, you can tell they've had a whole conversation and all they did was raise an eyebrow and shrug a shoulder.

There is a problem when you're someone who relies so heavily on body language and you're online. You can't see the person you're talking to, or you see a delayed image that the vocals may or may not be timed to, so you're having this conversation via email, messenger, phone, or chatroom and you have no idea what the other person really is thinking unless they, quite literally, spell it out for you. It's what makes lively conversations online so rare and valuable to me, because you don't find them very often.

11/19/2017 2:23:34 PM
sighs, I'm a bitch when I'm in pain. So now, I get to apologize to my sister who was sitting innocently at the table when I walked in the door, all excited because I was home and she had so much to tell me about her day, when all I wanted was silence, an ice bath for my hands, and a pain killer. Now I feel like I've kicked a puppy. But my hands were cramping so badly I almost couldn't open the door, and my shoulders are screaming. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but my body is giving me a huge "Fuck you!" lately. I think it's possible i'm working too much. grrrr.

11/18/2017 1:14:24 PM
Bam! Everything I set out to accomplish today, is DONE! woohoo!

11/18/2017 8:32:47 AM
It's a Colbie Calliet kind of morning, sipping a hot cup of coffee, planning putting together a shelving unit, unpacking boxes, and running errands. Yay for laid back rainy days :) Happy Saturday folks!

11/17/2017 7:34:49 PM
Some days I come home from work and even my fingernails hurt and my throat is cramping...ugh

11/17/2017 9:33:49 AM
Thank you for letting go. I wish you and yours well.

11/16/2017 7:44:52 PM
"I think I need to ice my butt"

Huh, never thought that sentence would come out of my mouth, but there it is.

11/16/2017 6:20:33 PM
ugh, bad body mechanics while working equals total pain in the ass. Literally. lol

11/16/2017 6:47:21 AM
The DSK is having a weekend long rope intensive this weekend. I debated going but without a rope bottom decided against it. That said, I'm considering going to the play party saturday night since some friends of mine will be there. And for a play party after a rope intensive, I fully expect there will be some interesting ties going on that would be a pleasure to watch. It'll depend on if I get my Saturday project done. I finally got my shelf on wheels! So Psyched, I just need to put it together and then unpack 14 boxes of books. One of these days I will have a room, lined with shelves, a fire place, and a comfy chair right in the middle, a library with every book I've ever read or wanted to read on it, and a sanctuary to escape the world!

11/16/2017 5:26:45 AM
Fucking is all well and good, but sometimes I want the connection and softer moments of making love. Of drawing out the moment, exploring every inch of each other, drowning in sensations til it feels like my body is keyed to his. There's most definitely a difference, physically and mentally.

11/15/2017 6:00:29 AM
this whole adulting first thing in the morning, just so doesn't work for me. I need an hour, with a cup of coffee, starring at a wall for my brain to wake up and be at least semi functional.

11/14/2017 7:19:06 PM
roflmao at this comedian, so gentleman, do you tuck your chin in your shirt when you jerk off?

11/13/2017 7:03:55 AM
Qotd: we are not here to fix each other. I spend most of my days working with people's bodies, feeling their pain, trying to help them feel better. I get told frequently, that I'm intuitive in my work. That I find those spots people didn't even know we're hurting til I touched them. To me it's not rocket science, the moment someone walks into my space I'm assessing, evaluating, and the urge to reach out and help is there so profoundly I can't ignore it. Sometimes though, the body isn't ready to let go of it's pain. The muscles are guarding their memories so tightly that when I work those areas the person is sick or in agony later. I can only help your body heal to the point where you are ready to be healed. Only you can fix you. I had a client the other day tell me that she didn't understand how I could know. I couldn't possibly have experienced all the discomforts a s pain that I work on every day. I didn't tell her my history, it wouldn't have been ethical. I did tell her that her body tells me, very loudly, where it's hurting and what it can accept. Sometimes I get it wrong, but more often than not, I follow the pain to where it's being held the strongest. My hands ask the muscles and tissue to let go, and quite often it takes many sessions before the body trusts me enough to do so. And always, it's when the person is ready. I can't fix you. I can only acknowledge what you're experiencing, and provide another tool for you to heal yourself.

11/11/2017 9:19:52 PM
That is a kickass shirt!
" If he is not worthy
to stand with me in battle,
  he is not worthy
  to lie with me in bed"

Totally kick ass! I've walked through hell through my life. I'm strong because I've had to be strong. I want someone who works as hard as I do, who's willing to stand with me and not just over me. Who's strong enough to not need to make me weak in order to show their power. I so need to get that shirt.

11/11/2017 2:09:55 PM
Ah HA! I discovered a tricep muscle! Silly I'm sure, but I'm seriously excited about that work finally showing in my arms. Now, if only it would reflect in the rest of me....it'd be nice if push ups would become more enjoyable as well. Least now my deltoids aren't screaming at me, my coworkers finally showed me how my form was off.

11/7/2017 5:35:51 PM
the answer is yes, sometimes as a massage therapist, my hands hurt. Especially when I'm working too much, and working injured....things my clients never know.

11/5/2017 9:25:35 PM
~warning, randomness alert~

This has been a very nice weekend. I'm still not sure where I stand on the whole being served thing, but it was lovely to have such willing help in rearranging the furniture, the conversation, and the foot rub. Given what I'm finally figuring out about myself I'm not sure if allowing you this service is a good thing, or a bad thing. We really should talk about it.

Having dinner with a friend and catching up after two months of absence was a gift, I cherish those types of gifts. It was so good to see you doing well, it'll be nice having you back in the area :)

I'm very much looking forward to this coming weekend. Learning the protocols, history, and fundamentals of serving a high and low tea is something that interests me. It's knowledge and a new challenge to learn, plus a good skill to have for the future. Not that there are very many who like a high protocol tea service, but you never know when the skills you learn in one medium will translate over to another area in life and service.

I realized recently that it is possible for hubbards to go bad. I'm not quite sure what happened to it, but my cream color leather couch is now a lovely shade of brown...huh. Have to see if the saddle soap will take it out, it's just one of those projects I rarely have time to fit in. I need to go through my bootblacking kit and see what else needs to be replaced. I love the ohio bootblacks kit, one of these days I will have a reason to have such a kit! and the knowledge to use it all.

You called me used goods....I wonder, was that suppose to bother me? Because I don't fit in with your morals, your values, or your preconceived notions? I notice that you didn't start attacking me until I called you on your prejudices, did it strike too close to home? Or were you thrilled to have someone else to aim for? There's so much I could say to you, but then I realized that you intrigue me. I mean, a vanilla, monogamous man comes onto a bdsm chatroom to start challenging, instigating, and demeaning everyone on it....it kind of makes me want to crawl into your head and examine your motives and thought patterns....but then I might end up with some sort of odd residue left one me when I leave. Ick. Still, do please keep talking, some day those psychology classes I plan on taking will, no doubt, define your actions to some dysfunctional mental process.

11/4/2017 3:56:06 PM
Yay lovely foot massages.

11/3/2017 10:43:39 PM
~head-thunk-desk~ and this is the part of the cat that can sorta take care of herself, and sorta not. grrrrrr..........I got this, but ugh.

11/3/2017 9:39:34 AM
thinking of getting a personal trainer for the weight lifting, how does one go about identifying a good personal trainer?

11/3/2017 7:12:53 AM
Mornings we're so much easier when I was working nights and they were the end of my day.

11/2/2017 11:53:10 PM
So, this is probably not a popular point of view, especially on a website like this, or any kinky website, but I really dislike begging. In fact, my view of it is beyond dislike.

I.HATE.Begging.

"But Nixa! Begging is so fucking hot! To know you have the power to get someone on their knees begging you to give them what they want, to know someone holds that power over you is such a RUSH." Yeah, yeah I know, I've been told this many times. It doesn't change how I feel about it. I hate begging and I hate being begged for anything.

People either want to give you your request, or they don't. People either want to do something, or they don't. People either love you, or they don't. People either want to fuck you, or they don't. This whole begging thing sets my teeth on edge in ways so much worse than the sound of nails on a chalk board.

I spent the first 26 years of my life begging. Begging doesn't give you security or safety in your life. Begging wont make someone love you, care about you, accept or forgive you. Begging doesn't make anything better.

I may get down on my knees and make a request, but I'll be damned if I'll beg that request to you for anything. And this is the side of me that has those M types pointing the finger at me and saying what a bad s type I am...and perhaps they're right. If they're someone I respect, perhaps their opinion on this topic even matters to me. You either want something from me, or you don't, but making me beg before you decide is already a decision...to me, it's practically screaming that no, you don't want it, least not from me.

On the flip side, being begged pisses me off, makes me uncomfortable, and hurts. Begging to me isn't sexy. It's not hot. It's not powerful...It's demeaning, it's sad, it's painful.


So if you know this about me, and you beg me to fuck you, or say you care about me then order me to get on my knees and beg you, then what an asshole you're being to me...and you can be certain, my answer will be no until I finally walk away. Because whatever you're begging me for, whatever you're asking me to beg for, I no longer have any desire for at that point.

And by the way, this really is just my personal view on begging. Other people want to beg and be begged, go for it. Just don't expect me to beg, and don't beg to me. The whole your-kink-isn't-my-kink-and-that's-ok thing.


10/31/2017 8:50:46 PM
Earning a "good girl" still makes me smile and get a happy glow.

I think as much as I love being a top, and like occasionally being in control, it's really not who I am at my core. Play, an occasional scene, I can totally be on top....but as an every day thing...I'm coming the conclusion it's not in me.

I tried switching with D when we met too, his dominance was stronger than mine, it failed miserably. But I so totally enjoyed tying him down and torturing him a little bit though....and maybe enjoyed even more having him turn that back on me.

I hate that CS gives you so few options. I'm so rarely submissive, to so few that I don't feel I can take that title. I rarely feel the urge to dominate someone else, so again, I don't feel I can take that title. switch is the closest I can find, but I think it gives a false impression as well. I like that the other site has "evolving" as a title, because that's what I feel like I'm constantly doing. I've tried being just a bottom, just a top, just a submissive, just a slave, just a dominant...I'm just not a square peg. I don't think anyone is ever "just" one thing. We evolve, we flow, we change, and encounter anothers energy, connect and change yet again. Life changes us every moment, every encounter. Our core values may be something that stays the same, for awhile. I've been in this life style for seven years now, i'm still constantly learning and changing, that's one of the biggest draws for me, the fluidity of it all.

Things that never change for me....that warm glow when I've earned a "good girl", the joy when someone does something for me, the glee when I top someone and get a reaction, the utter peace subspace from pain brings, and that awesome feeling of focus when i'm serving.

10/31/2017 7:51:09 AM
Today is massage day! In like getting a massage. Unfortunately, not a fluffy bunny relaxing one, but more pain management. I've done so many massages over the last three weeks my anterior muscles are trying to turn me into a human donut. Psoas, illiacus, subscapularis, anterior neck, all getting worked on...my inner masochist is gleeful lol

10/29/2017 7:17:49 AM
Good morning kinky people! I really love sunday mornings. To be sunday mornings are all about the smell of coffee brewing, pancakes and bacon being made, and a couple hours to sit around the table discussing the upcoming week and plans. Those were among some of the best memories of my childhood, we'd wake up sunday mornings to the smell of coffee, bacon, pancakes, sausage, and hot chocolate. Mom would be cooking away and dad would already be at the table sipping his coffee and reading the newspaper. There was just a relaxed feel to the day after that, like there was no hurry. On holidays the whole family would get together early in the morning at one of the local parks and grill breakfast, sitting under the pine trees at picnic tables. Afterwards you'd have all the adults sitting around talking, while all the kids went out to play softball. ~smiles~ You can't beat those kinds of mornings.

Lately, I've found myself dating men who like to eat out, a lot. A crowded cafe or diner can't compete with a homemade breakfast. Maybe some of that is my love language coming out, acts of kindness and service really are my way of showing appreciation, love, and respect.

Living at the ex's, there was always people to eat what I cooked, breakfasts though, were rough, since all of them were night people. But it was still nice to see people wander in, lured by the smell of coffee and sausage.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday :)

10/28/2017 9:42:42 PM
So apparently push ups are the answer to panic attacks...sighs...I still am not loving them, but I've never done them so well either, go figure.

10/28/2017 6:55:59 PM
Ok, so what's the best way to store nylon whips for the winter? Last winter they lived curled up in my cedar chest...needless to say they did not throw well for about the first months. They're too long to hang. Honestly, I'm thinking of mounting them length wise on my wall...but then I'm worried they'll get dusty...I really need to wax seal them.

10/28/2017 5:59:18 PM
I realized as I was talking today, that I was done with the subject of my sup. I can't ask her to leave yet, so I need to find a way to view her presence as positive. So, here's a start to that, having my sup here allows me to cook for someone other than just myself, today I'll appreciate this gift. I have so many positive things in my life right now, they're so much easier to focus on, than one negative.

10/28/2017 7:20:54 AM
It's not the cold I mind, it's the getting used to the cold that sucks. Michigan went from summer to late fall with no in between! Brrrrr After a very busy week, and a migraine last night, today is a do nothing day. In theory. I hope y'all have a great weekend!

10/27/2017 8:09:49 AM
I'm waiting for that moment when I nolonger view push-ups as some sort of evil torture ..... I think it's a ways off yet.

10/27/2017 6:54:08 AM
Let the core work commence....yay?

10/26/2017 9:32:34 PM
This is a long and very tiring week. I've always known that over tired me has a huge lack of filters...sighs, and those lack of filters makes me brutally honest. I don't view this as a good thing, because the emphasis is on brutal. Growing up that Bible verse about words being a sharp sword, was practically beaten into us. Normally that sword is used with a bit more precision. When I'm over tired and exhausted, I'm just lopping off proverbial heads. Ugh, this so doesn't end well.

10/22/2017 10:17:26 PM
You cannot compare apples to oranges. Yes, they're both fruit, but if you eat one, expecting it to be similar to the other, then one is going to come up lacking. So enjoy to moment with the one, on its own merit and for it's own sake, and life is so much less disappointing.

10/19/2017 8:29:59 PM
wait a minute, did you just call me a semi-domme?!

10/19/2017 9:43:49 AM
and here is the side of the cat that sits down and pays the bills, irons out problems, runs errands, and is a fully functional adult. So different from the side that wakes up every morning, sticks a pillow over my head, and wishes not to adult that day lol.

So psyched though, I found a tea service intensive course at AIS in November that I registered to take.  Formal tea service has been an interest of mine, so i'm totally looking forward to it.

10/14/2017 10:52:11 AM
Today is already much better. :) Good afternoon kinky people! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend:)

10/13/2017 9:57:40 AM

So, it's been a rather tough week. I'm absolutely, 100 %, sure that someone else out there has had a worse week. I keep telling myself this in hopes it makes my week a little less stressful. Hell, I've had worse weeks, that alone should make it less stressful, yet, it doesn't.

I started the week off straining a couple of ligaments in my thumb when I popped the thumb out of joint. For most people this would be an inconvenience. For a massage therapist, it's a bit of a nightmare. I need to remember not to use my thumbs when working on body builders whose muscles are bigger than my hands, lesson learned.

Then I got strep throat....WTH! So now not only am I in pain, i'm running a fever and my throat is swelling closed {insert whine here}, yay for antibiotics and timely doctors visits.

Then my boss sends me an email, she's restructuring her hours of being open, and I'm going to lose a third of my available scheduling time. Roughly equals about $500 a week in income....OUCH. Again, for some people that's peanuts....for me that is not peanuts.

Then, because that is all not enough, I got my determination on my WLS, and the answer was no. So six months of jumping through hoops and doctors visits, and hope, and the answer is no. I'm trying very hard not to be upset about that, but I am upset. They basically told me wait a year and come back next august, jump through all our hoops again and we'll reconsider you. Yeah...no thanks. Well, hell, least I learned I'm disgustingly healthy despite my weight. And now I have a CPAP machines to help with that pesky throat issue, so I guess it wasn't a complete waste of time.

So, like the traditional learner and type A personality that I am, I spent a day, sick and on the couch crying and freaking out over all of this, before taking a deep breath and trying to figure out, where do I go from here?

My thumb is healing, I can now move it again, it's just stiff and sore, and i'm babying it. The strep throat is now properly medicated and feeling much better. That leaves the last two issues. At first I applied for some clerical jobs, because I have a background that includes clerical, and as has happened since I got my massage license, I've already received back emails that I don't suit their needs. I'm beginning to get a bit of a complex with all these no's, just sayin' So this brings me back to something I had thought of doing earlier in the year before I sprained my ankle. I registered my business back in February, I think I'm being, ever so rudely, nudged by the universe to get back to that plan. I had hoped to ease into my own business, but wth, lets just fall into it. We'll ignore the panic attacks. So off to look for a place to work out of and get my website back up and running.

As for the weight lose surgery, the process did get a few things rolling for me. I've lost 13 pounds since April and one dress size. It turns out my body really like strength training sigh so, that is what I'm going to pursue as my primary exercise. I'm up to working out every day, i'm going to keep doing that but add in heavier and more focused weight training. I figure that added to cardio, and a high protein paleo diet should work...I hope....I'm trying not to be too upset over this, but I am. I'll adjust, I always do.


10/11/2017 9:56:37 PM
I don't like being pushed, the more you push me, the more stubborn I become and the more I dig in my heels. Eight now I'm feeling very "pushed" by life, and it's pissing me off a bit. Ok, more than a bit. I have a plan dammit, stop pushing me in directions I'm not yet ready to go in, sheesh. In other news, now that I've officially been denied the surgery, I'm debating going home in February for the flea. I should probably make some decisions about that soon.

10/9/2017 9:24:54 PM
I have a lot of scars. My arms are covered with the scars of my past. My brands are more scars but they hold deep meaning for me....and a part of me choose branding because it's scars that are beautiful to me. If you want a pretty unblemished canvas, that would not be me. I am not a victim, i'm not a survivor, i'm a fucking fighter. My scars prove that they didn't win. Honestly, other peoples opinions of them mean nothing to me.

we all have scars, some just aren't as visible as others. check your mirror before you criticize mine.

10/7/2017 9:43:28 PM
That was such a fun play party, it felt really good to get to co-top again. Happy sigh.

10/7/2017 12:53:39 PM
I had a moment where I decided to just let things grow naturally down below. Then things got unruly, so I decided to trim and got carried away. Today I thought, hey why not shave again? And totally remembered why I've been meaning to look into waxing. Sighs. Sensitive skin.

10/7/2017 7:13:40 AM
Totally miss morning sex...and being able to wake him up with a good morning blow job. Happy memories.

10/6/2017 8:49:21 PM
Laying awake pondering the dilemma of short arms. Seriously, there are days I feel like T-Rex. I discovered an interesting and rather unpleasant pain today, I popped my thumbed out of joint while giving a deep tissue massage. Happily one of my coworkers knew how to pop it back into place. I don't know if this means I need to strengthen the extension muscles or immobilize the damn thing. Talk about nervey pain though, ouch!

10/6/2017 8:36:46 AM
No one's ever asked me before how I view men. Or if my past relationships changed how I view men. After some thought, I realized this is a complicated subject for me without an easy answer. Intriguing.

10/6/2017 6:31:43 AM
So, do I go to the munch this evening, or come home and enjoy having the apartment to myself? Decisions, decisions....trippy and I are going to the party tomorrow, so staying home wouldn't be a horrible thing. I sometimes envy extroverts.

10/5/2017 6:48:51 PM
~happy dance~ I get to plan the fun bags for the s tribe weekend, and the them is all about self care for s types, this is so going to be fun.

10/5/2017 6:43:06 PM
My love language is acts of service. Shocking.

Acts of Service

 

Your primary love language is Acts of Service. Tidying up the house, vacuuming the floors or waking up early to prepare a delicious breakfast are all ways that express love. The words that make your day the most are: "Let me take care of that for you." Broken commitments, laziness or creating extra work for you communicate to you that your feelings just don't matter. A good deed or random act of kindness goes a long way with you.


Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/love-family/relationships/quiz/the-5-love-languages-quiz.aspx#sKmA3RUwsgFly24Q.99

10/5/2017 9:40:40 AM
I found an APP member in ann arbor ~happy dance~. Now I can work on getting the piercings I want. I want to get my nipples done again, I'm hoping this is an option. I really liked having them pierced the first time around but I had done them myself, so I'm sure that's part of why they rejected...well that and having dementia patients grabbing at my chest didn't help. ~wince~  I'm thinking of getting a daith piercing in both ears too. Then maybe a small nose piercing. I always liked how those look.

When I go back home I plan on having my back piece touched up, I want to fix the flames a bit, and add the forgiveness symbol between the wings. Audra is going to add to the star on my left shoulder as well. I'd like Gk to go over my horse again too, and maybe fix the ear.

I would like a compass branded on my chest, but I don't necessarily have to wait to go home for that one. My chest scarifications were done by different people, so there's no artist priority there. Whereas, if I had anyone touch anything to do with my phoenix I know he'd take it personal and I wouldn't disrespect him like that, course I also don't trust anyone else with her.

10/4/2017 11:32:23 PM
I woke up thinking about what ethical and moral compass drives me. A couple of things said to me by people earlier today got me thinking of positions and personal policies I hold, and why I stand by them. Some people dream, I apparently work through issues in my sleep. Go figure.

10/4/2017 3:43:43 PM
Omg, that's awesome! I love it when I see someone actually write about realistic vs fantasy in bdsm and how much sense they make, makes me want to cheer. Actually, I think I did cheer, well done good man, well done!

10/1/2017 10:58:42 PM
I am so totally wide awake, when I should probably be trying to sleep.

What does your bookshelf say about you? All of my babies are currently in boxes. I am determined to get book shelves on wheels, just so that they never have to live in boxes again. I have everything from the classics and the entire mark twain series, to poetry, psychology, the entire Louis L'amour, Anne McCaffrey, Jean Auel,and Betty Neels collections. That doesn't even count the thousands of romance and erotics books I have in paperback and on my kindle and nook. I might have a book issue. You have the whole universal if you have books.

The theory of entropy is really kind of interesting to me.  The idea that everything is disintegrating from the moment it's created. It's literally a natural order of things. A depressing natural order of things if one only focuses on that, but if matter is never lost, if it only changes form and substance, then one thing disintegrating is creating something new, so it's a continual process of rebirth and renewal.

This is what my brain is stuck on at 2am...that and clothes, this is a conundrum of what to wear.

9/30/2017 7:50:31 AM
Happy is waking up on a cool morning, snuggled under warm covers, when I don't need to get up with any hurry. Life is good! Now to get up an greet my sadist, the work out lol aka weights. I think I need to get heavier weights, current ones have gotten very easy and I'm not feeling a burn with them anymore.

9/28/2017 8:48:40 AM
Today has started off really well. Still a bit of a sore throat and body aches but much better than yesterday. So I spent an hour with weights, working my arms and shoulders, before switching to mat work for my core, and rounding out with meditation. Lovely way to start my day.

9/24/2017 8:14:54 PM
There are a ton of events over the next month, I am determined to get to at least two! This active avoidance of people has to stop somewhere. Trippy is getting out to more events as well, but a different set of events. I'm happy she's finally establishing her own life and connecting with new and old friends, seriously happy for her.

9/20/2017 2:26:03 PM
Went to an absolutely awesome seminar today on reasoning with unreasonable people, talked all about the mental and personality disorders behind the majority of unreasonable people, how to spot them, how to work around them and with them, and when to just walk away. Amazing how many of my ex's fell under the narcassistic/sociopath category. Not all of them, but too many.

9/17/2017 7:57:31 PM
So the world turns and time moves on. It was a lovely summer, that I'll remember with fondness. I was going through some photos last night and came across some of my fondest memories since I got involved with bdsm. Pictures of whip marks, bruises, outfits, toys, people, and scenes I've been involved in, so many good memories. I'm debating looking seriously for a couple of play partners. I don't necessarily want to switch with anyone though. Ive only ever successful had one switch play partner, and I do believe he was rather unique. Things tend to skew one way or the other rather quickly in my experience. I think I'd rather find separate people with clearly defined roles from the beginning. My play partners for a few years we're all platonic, they tended to be the ones that didn't involve all that relationship drama that comes with sex. I love sex, but I love to play too. I am beginning to think all those needs won't be met in one person. I'm also unwilling to settle. Men seem to think that women like me, of my size, are there to fill two roles. A married mans toy, or a single man's conveinence until something better comes a long. Which, I totally call bullshit on, it's been a bad habit that I'm done with now. I have a pretty good idea of who I am, what I can offer, what I want and need. God knows I'm done with squeezing myself into molds and boxes that aren't mine. So many changes are coming in my life, I just don't have the mental space for selfish men anymore.

9/14/2017 10:45:20 PM
There's a pig roast this weekend at the local dungeon. A part of me would like to go, another part of me doesn't see why it's worth the bother. I'm tired of going to events by myself. I don't do casual play, and to be honest, I don't really like being surrounded by drunk and high people playing either. That type of thing seems very accepted out here, much more accepted than it was back east. You don't meet people though, unless you socialize. So it becomes a catch 22.

9/13/2017 3:09:53 PM
s tribe is getting together in December, so excited! It's not often I get to sit around with a bunch of people who understand what it's like to have a strong personality, but still have the desire to serve, to submit, and to be on the bottom. Especially the service portion, but all of these s types just get it. So we exchange information, learn new things, and then go out and have a hell of a good time on the town. We're a good mix of those in M/s or D/s relationships and those not claimed and single.  I think kilty came up with the idea of calling our little group the s tribe, we're the minions lol. If you've ever watched Despicable me or the Minion movie, you'd totally get it.

I've been looking at compass designs. I haven't been able to find a compass necklace I like to replace the one I lost, so I've decided to get it as a brand instead. My skin has decided to be sensitive to metals anyways, so this way I don't need the actual necklace. I already have the flower brand on the right side of my chest, and the leaf design cutting on the R side, so this would be centered, and then I can make some sort of design connecting the three....Ok, so I just really miss the feeling of getting a brand. Now to find someone to do it. I was spoiled with my last branding Top, being in a relationship with him meant already having an awesome connection, and he totally used to get off with branding me. I'm not sure how it would be, being branded by someone in a platonic scene or setting....be different.

9/11/2017 7:03:42 AM
I love cool mornings, snuggled in a warm bed. :)

9/8/2017 11:47:58 AM
Last clearance given, now to wait and see if I get approval.....seriously, not a fan of waiting. I want to know right now! lol But, waiting it is....

9/3/2017 5:16:24 PM
Yesterday was lovely....more than lovely, who would have thought I'd find being pushed against a wall, with my wrists held above my head, being kissed breathless and then having my nose held closed, hot as hell? breath play is turning out to be a turn on. He's right though, sucking his cock is one of my favorite things, right up there next to cuddling, and being pushed up against a wall, or over an ottoman, or wherever else he'd like to pin me. One of these days though, I am totally going to tie him in place and force him to sit through a performance of some sort till it's done! :P


I inadvertently found out how to have silence when I get home. I ask for five minutes of not being talked to so I can unwind, she throws a temper tantrum and storms into MY guest room, and voila! quiet. ~sighs~ I so can't stand chatter the moment I walk in the door, it's irritating, and she chatters until I go in my room and close the door...it's my damn apartment, i'm getting tired of having to hide from chatter in my room. It wouldn't be so bad if it was worthwhile chatter, but she spends hours imparting details of events happening in OTHER peoples lives, people I neither know nor care about, it's tedious. Especially for an introvert or needs quiet to unwind. I wish she'd find another chatty person and move in with them.

9/1/2017 11:42:39 AM
Woohooo! I just discovered there's a Burlesque Festival this month! so making time to go.

9/1/2017 10:46:52 AM
I find calm in rituals, whether it's religious rituals, rituals I have before I work on clients to ground myself and clear my head, rituals before I meditate, even my morning rituals that help me wake up and start my day. They're not just routine, they help my brain switch gears. When I've served various D types in the past, those who had rituals attached to my service to them were easier for me to obey. It was a way of switching channels in my brain, of saying from this point until our time was done this is the headspace I need to be in.

I'm rather fond of rituals.

8/31/2017 9:28:25 AM
I'm learning to communicate, clearly, calmly, and with.multiple teeth marks in my tongue. Oddly enough, it appears to be slowly sinking in....now I know why parents get gray hair so quickly.

8/27/2017 7:23:27 PM
I spend a lot of time telling myself I can't be mad over things. A lot of time apologizing to smooth things over. Fuck it! I can be mad if I fucking want to, and I'm not owning your shit.

8/26/2017 6:57:25 PM
Fresh air and sun, lots of walking, car sickness, and that time of the month are a bad combination apparently. I keep expecting to grow out of getting motion sick, but nope, there it be. Blah.

8/23/2017 9:30:24 PM
Awww, I feel like a proud mama sending her chick off to her first day of school.....since this is my sister, and it's her first day of work in over a year, that's a bit odd. O.o And it wigs my brain out a bit when she talks religion in one breath, and plans kink in the next. I'll never get how folks can reconcile those two things, at least when the religion is the ultra conservative one we grew up in, that condemns, well basically anything remotely bdsm outside of marriage. Get married, and apparently all bets are off, be kinky to your hearts content. Oddness. This is turning out to be such an odd year.

8/22/2017 9:44:13 PM
So I went for a job interview this morning. Just a part time job, that I thought might be a lot of fun and make a little extra money. I'd gone into a retail store to pay a bill, struck up a conversation with the lady at the register, turned out she was the store manager and she offered me a job interview. Unfortunately, she was not the person who interviewed me. The actually interview was so unprofessional, I wasn't quite sure how to process it, and quite frankly it's pushing my decision to no, even though I was offered the job. So yeah, I went for a job interview and got offered a job. I should probably thank the lady who interviewed me, if she'd been more professional I might have taken the job offer, and in the end that might have been too much. I realized today that I'm tired. Between my current work load, and my sister, I'm exhausted. I have absolutely no idea how to recharge at this moment. Life feels like I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, and grabbing at the occasional peace, fun, or relaxation. I miss being able to have someone else make a decision, even if they're minor decisions, so that I don't have to....almost as much as I miss being free to nurture and care about someone. I feel brittle right now....I miss feeling strong...I wish I knew how to get that feeling back.

8/19/2017 10:35:05 PM
It's really quite an amazing thing, to be able to sit around a bonfire with friends, who are also lifestyle, and be able to talk about anything without needing to censor yourself. Even more amazing are to sit around and talk to four leather title holders and learn more about their journey, and what being leather entails for them. Bonfire and friends, what a wonderful night. I wish He could have come, but overall I had a lovely time. Plus, no technology gave my brain a test, that was a rough migraine earlier. Now sleep, so I can work later...I miss having two days in a row off but this time, it's my own fault.

8/17/2017 6:58:37 PM
Huh, so just reading a dominants profile, he basically tells potential slaves that he's better than them, but they shouldn't worry, he'll be patient and firm with them. I'm sorry, just because you are a D or M type, that does not make you "better" than an s type, or anyone else for that matter. What a messed up philosophy to go into a relationship maintaining.

8/16/2017 8:41:08 AM
I now get to sleep with a machine attached! Not crazy about the machine, but SO excited about the prospect of a good night's sleep on a regular basis! This taking steps to take care of myself is finally paying off.

8/15/2017 4:10:04 PM
I let her cook and complimented the meal....she burst into tears. I suddenly have insight into how men feel about tears. O.o I have two perfect stripe bruises across my ass lol, no wonder those whacks hurt so much, they weren't love taps! It's a nice memory though.

8/14/2017 9:36:02 AM
I don't get the lying about your age thing. Own your years! FFS you survived and for to that point, if someone has a cut off four years younger than you are now, well....seriously that's their loss. I have an awesome kinky friend who just turned 80 and totally owns his age, he's got a wonderful switch wife, and a sub who adores him, both much younger. His age isn't what adds or detracts from who he is as a man or a dom/top/etc. I suppose though, it does say a lot about who you are as a person, if you're willing to lie about something as inconsequential as your age, you're willing to lie about bigger stuff too.

8/14/2017 9:19:50 AM
Omg! ~happy dancing~ She was up early, showered, dressed, did a phone interview, did dishes, and now is out doing laundry! By herself! I am so damn proud of her today!!!!  The phone interview was painful to listen to, and totally my bad for letting it slip that I felt she needed to work on her interviewing skills. I will learn to keep my opinions to myself in that regard, but yes, totally happy for her today. And she even asked me if there was anything I wanted her to take to the laundry mat to get cleaned of my stuff! I know it sounds silly, but her asking that is huge. Today is a good day :)

She also found a kinky stitch and bitch in the area,she doesn't really want to go alone so I might go to it with her, if my schedule allows, I have some floggers I need to redo the handles.

I know, not really a kinky post, huh? But that's life, and sometimes a kinky persons life is rather mundane.

8/13/2017 7:03:29 PM
It's probably a good thing you're going away for a bit. I'm getting too attached. Today was a good day. Today I think everything will turn out ok.

8/12/2017 10:05:44 PM
Orgasming from another's hand is a new experience for me. Having someone care enough to work with my body to give me that experience is such an appreciated gift. I think I need to stop calling myself a masochist. My nipples and ass don't seem to agree. Either I've become more sensitive to pain, or I'm just not able to process it like I used to, but I've never said ow so much as I did tonight...well except that one time when the top decided to cane my new nipple piercings, but those ows were understandable. I like being able to feel the bruises later, it's a happy reminder. I remember being able to take a whipping or an impact scene without flinching...now, it's owies and trying to get away, oiy. Such a lovely night though. I love good memory moments. :) Had a really good boundary discussion when I got home too. It felt very empowering to remind her this is my home and she is still a guest and on trial as a roommate. She was surprised at first before being gracious and accepting. So clearly I need to work at setting my boundaries better and then enforcing them. I like being given firm boundaries, it appears that works both ways. Always something to improve on, isn't there?

8/5/2017 8:07:03 PM
Today I learned having a vibrator in for fourty minutes makes it a bit stuck and painful to remove, so grateful he let me take it out before the 60 minute mark. And so annoyed that it wasn't a vibration that actually allowed me to cum, so close! Lol

8/1/2017 9:12:08 PM
I've written in this journal for six years now. Five of those years are still present....honestly I'm thinking of deleting it all. It might be easier just to delete my profile.

6/24/2017 8:59:01 PM
My favorite moment today, laying quietly on the bed with him using my chest as a pillow, him snoring softly, while I ran my hand through his hair. It was just one of those moments where it felt like everything in my world was calm, connected and right. I love the moments.

6/15/2017 7:56:20 PM
I had a great time at whip practice this evening, and having someone show me how to make my own poppers. I'm happy with the single tail, but I still need to practice more with my bullwhips, my aim is not where I want it to be. ~happy sigh~

6/15/2017 2:34:41 PM
So, I decided to try making my own whip crackers...needless to say, it's not going well....sigh

6/14/2017 6:37:00 PM
I love kissing, you know, the kind of kissing that makes sex seem like an after thought. The kind of kiss where your tongues are practically dueling as they rub against each other, explore each others mouths, suck, and bite and just...experience the moment. Especially if it turns more primal, dueling to see who is going to come out on top....MMmmhhmmm.....no idea why that came to mind tonight, except it's been a very long time since I've had that kind of kiss.

6/13/2017 11:00:26 PM
So a friend tells me she's going to "bless me" for our friendship with an all expenses paid vacation with them....a working vacation. They pay for everything but in return I give them two hours of massage every day of the vacation.... I'm not sure how I find friends like this but to me that is not a vacation. That, is work. A very far away onsite gig. If I wanted that sort of gig I'd apply to work on a cruise ship. A different friend wants to know if she can take my place...so apparently this is not a bad offer, just not an offer I have interest in pursuing. I think I'd prefer this friend bless me more by just leaving me at home in peace. Persistent little person is now going to bring this up every time I see her.

6/13/2017 9:22:47 PM
You asked me if I would consider being part of a slave/slave couple....I thought about that one and my only answer is that it depends, on a lot of factors. Any couple needs to be strong in and of themselves before including other people in the equation, so if the couple I was a part of, if we were not strong in our relationship then I don't see it turning out well.
Also, it would depend on where the boundaries are, if your plan is for us both to serve your Mistress then I can already tell you the answer would be no. I don't submit to women. I may occasionally serve them, but I don't submit to them. And any woman thinking to punish me would be disabused of that notion very quickly. So being a slave to one....just wouldn't go well.  If it were being a slave/slave couple to a Dominant/Dominant couple....honestly it would depend on the chemistry, on whether I respect them, find them honorable and trustworthy. And again, there would have to be some firm boundaries and slavery would have to be worked up to....worked up to like over a period of years, not a couple of meetings and bam! Collared. Yeah, that wouldn't work for me at all.

I'm also a switch. That has to be factored in to whatever relationship I enter into.....there's just so many variables to the answer to that question that I don't feel like it's easily answered.

6/13/2017 1:44:51 PM
Went and worked out, walked outside and melted....then got into my car that had been baking in the sun, w/black leather seats...I think I burned myself. Not a fun pain.

6/10/2017 3:44:48 PM
It's really hot watching two guys get it on, makes me wish I was male and gay....then again, could just be hormones, I'm usually straight but there's a curiosity about women too....right, getting used to not being laid....isn't working too well lol

6/7/2017 7:13:35 PM
So I ended up going to both.  I realized when I was leaving the professional networking event that the club was on the same route going home. It was nice to stop in and chat a bit, watch the some scenes, and be around that energy again. I really do miss topping, almost as much as I miss bottoming. I don't think I'd be very comfortable bottoming in that environment, it's been a long time since I've had to bottom in public and I think I might find that kind of distracting unless I had a top who was very good at keeping my focus on them.

6/7/2017 2:03:05 PM
I'm not sure why it's so hard to get to the gym, when I always feel so much better afterwards. Trying to get back into a gym routine. Even was good after today's session and stretched, woohoo. Now to decide, kinky munch tonight, or professional networking event...hmmm, the networking event only goes til 8:30, it's conceivable that I could do both...but I hate arriving late to events where I don't know anyone. And there's the whole, do I really want to meet two groups of new people in one night? The introvert in me is shuddering. People who are extroverts just don't get how hard socializing is for us introverts, and it's not because I'm shy. I'm not shy, never have been, but I'd so much rather be home reading a book then socializing.

6/6/2017 9:32:23 PM
Fucking insomnia.

Ok, so I was surprised by the amount of people who messaged me offended by the comment I'd made on my profile about no one I'd met from here having integrity, honor, respect, or personal responsibility...especially since I hadn't met ANY of those people who were offended.

I also feel like I need to state, yet again, that if you are married or in a committed relationship I will ask to speak with your partner (s), it is a HUGE respect thing in my book. If I can't speak with them then you and I will not be playing or fucking. I'm not judging your decisions, but this is MY decision. I will not be a secret you keep on the side, or that rush you get when you cheat.

Also, I'm reiterating, I'm an S/m switch, NOT a D/s switch. I bounced around the idea of doing the D in the D/s stuff, after a week of talking to a very nice slave type, I've come to the conclusion I just have no interest in being a Domme. Maybe somewhere down the road but not now.

For now, I'm going back to the basics. I am a masochist. I am also a bit of a sadist and a service top. While service is most definitely one of my things, I think I'm going to stick to community service rather than individual.

And to address another issue, I've been getting a lot of messages from people in other areas of the country, or in another country altogether. So for you all, I do not do long distant relationships. While I don't mind talking and having friendly conversation, never again will I relocate for a relationship. I love my job and the career I'm building. I have friends here, and perhaps soon family. If I move again it wont be for another person. Did that once, never again.

Phew! Glad to get that sorted. Now, if only I could actually sleep.

6/6/2017 1:18:20 PM
Experienced my first ashiatsu massage, I am still feeling like a noodle! And for the record, having a massage over a sunburn is a great way to engage the inner masochist in a vanilla setting, although most MT's wont do that, god knows I wouldn't unless it was one of my coworkers or something, probably why she did it for me. Debating going to the BOE tonight, the class is on conflict resolution, always a good topic right? but honestly, between the massage and lack of sleep a part of me is thinking of going to bed....but on the other hand I really want to be around people, if I can just get on a roll with socializing then it'll come easier.....decisions, decisions, decisions....kinky people and topics socializing or sleep....ugh

6/6/2017 3:12:50 AM
Anyone else ever forget to sleep? I can't be the only one who does this, start to crash, pick up a book, next thing I know the sun is up and time to be awake....trying to decide if a nap is even worth it. On a positive note, it is not a work day! Woohooo!

6/5/2017 9:34:21 AM
I am a glowing shade of red....throbbing, itchy, uncomfortable red. Seriously I need to remember that my pasty white skin does not like the sun and put sunblock on, what I wouldn't give to have my mother and brother's skin tone and turn a beautiful brown every summer. Nope, instead I am glowing red....this is not how my inner masochist gets a pain fix! I need a minion to put sunblock on me, more specifically on the places I forget, like my back.

6/4/2017 10:09:39 PM
It bothered me, that excuse for not meeting me. When I called him on it, he made a good point. I was responsible for setting the time and meeting place...maybe he needed to hear me tell him no and to stick to it. Honestly, I did think of doing just that, but on the other hand I'd just finished a cool shower, and was lying on my bed naked in front of a fan, air drying. After a day in the sun, and getting a bit more crisped then I meant to, I didn't particularly want to go out. That probably wasn't a good excuse though, and set a bad precident. It does highlight my lack of experience on the top side of the slash though. My experience has been in scenes, or in clubs with known s types that I know my limits with....this, this is not known to me. And the dominants I've had in my life gave me no good examples to draw on from my time on the lower side of the slash. How does one gain experience without completely fucking up?

6/3/2017 2:47:25 PM
Squeeeee!!!!!! My afternoon clients cancelled for tomorrow so I can get to the whip practice! I'll be a little late, but can definitely go. I'm so psyched! I took my babies out and practiced today, it's a good sign that I only have one welt to show for it. My aim is crap with the bullwhips, but spot on with my single tail and the smaller whip, that little one will be perfect for close spaces, V spoiled me sending that one. Now, to clean them, I kept asking folks how they clean their nylon whips, and not getting very good answers, so I finally asked google. Maybe I should have started with google. Mild detergent and no prolonged soaking....I need to find a toothbrush.

6/1/2017 8:12:30 PM
Dammit! There's a whip group meeting close to me and can I go? No, of course not! Stupid work schedule. Why do they have to host these things on Sunday afternoons?

5/30/2017 4:24:24 PM
I love my sister, I really do...but omg I need peace, quiet, and time without another person around talking! How can people possibly need to talk that much? She's ALWAYS talking., long, indepth stories that I care absolutely NOTHING about....if it weren't weird I'd so be gagging her. It took a couple of hours of silence to recharge and ditch the rather acute headache she'd given me. I learned something about myself today, my introversion is well and truly entrenched. I need silence to recharge. I need alone time and personal space. I do hope she gets the job, but if we live together then I definitely need a space that will be my sanctuary, someplace calm, quiet, serene, and with a door that shuts out everything else.

5/29/2017 4:49:37 AM
I believe my comment on my profile is rather clear. I'm questioning the integrity of the people I have met in person from here. If I have not met you in person, why are you offended? Also sending me a message offended and questioning my integrity because I stated, a few years ago, that I was looking for just friends rather than pursuing getting to know you better comes across as bitter and small. A couple of years ago I was working two jobs and going to school full time, I had no interest in pursuing a relationship at that time, especially as I'd just ended one and was hurting from it. The relationship I did end up in was with someone I had been speaking with for many years at that point, who I thought of as a close friend, who managed to sneak under my radar. I don't regret that choice. nor does it make me lacking integrity to have made that choice, as you seem to be implying.

5/28/2017 9:32:00 PM
Interesting...I'm discovering I like being asked, and it makes me smile to make you wait till it pleases me.

5/27/2017 6:37:36 PM
I need to find someone to practice my suturing skills on, I'm getting rusty. I can't quite figure out which I miss more, topping or bottoming. Actually I think it's the connection I miss the most, that connection to another person that is so deep that you'd let them hurt you or vice versa. I love that feeling of power being exchanged, the flow back and forth. It's not about the pain, not for me. The sadistic side feels very empowered that I can be doing something that is hurting you, but you trust me enough not to harm you, that trust is a HUGE endorphin rush. There's actually a similar rush when someone chooses to serve me, even when it's something as simple as perhaps bringing me a cup of water. That service topping is something I'd very much love to cultivate, especially as being a Hostess, to command with minimal words needed simply because I hold their focus. To know that seeing to my comfort, fulfills something in them that is necessary to their happiness. I understand the psychology of it on the giving end, but have only been teased with limited experience on the receiving end.

On the receiving end, it's that connection I find such a rush. My brain is....miswired, that's something I have no control over. When you experience years of abuse your body rewires itself to survive. My body rewired my perception of pain. It's not that I don't feel it, because I do, but certain types of pain get perceived as pleasure. When my pain thresh hold has been exceeded my brain disassociates and I loose the connection with my body. If that excess of pain is combined with psychological stress, such as my PTSD being triggered, my body will go a step further and instigate a seizure. This is one of the big reasons I'm picky as hell about who I bottom to, especially considering the types of pain I enjoy. When I was back east I had a small handful of Tops that were masters at what they did, whether it was whips, canes, fire, dragon tails, or needles, they were also masters at reading their bottoms and more importantly we had that connection. Those connections enabled them to know when they'd pushed me as far as they could, or when I was in trouble, this was in addition to the usual communication skills needed. I'm grateful for them, because of them I experienced some amazing knife, needle, branding, and impact scenes. Having baggage from the past is a detriment to many newer or less accomplished tops, but to ones who are experienced and observant it's never been an issue. The few times things have gone wrong, I've had amazing experiences of the situation being handled and my tops proving they're in control, even during emergencies.

5/26/2017 7:56:49 PM
Hmmm, wonder if there's a good park around here to do a whip practice? I need it to stop raining if I want to practice with my bullwhips, but I could practice with my single tail. It'd be nice to have e more experienced whip throwers there to give advice.

5/26/2017 9:42:11 AM
My sister is invading Michigan, this was unexpected and not completely welcomed. I moved 900 miles away from my family for a reason and have quite enjoyed the peace and quiet. That said, it might be nice to have family around again. With all the changes my sister will be experiencing with her divorce, moving, new job, empty nest being away from her now grown son...I can be of help and support as she gets back on her feet. I know what it's like to hit rock bottom and need to rebuild my life from scratch. It's potential. As long as we don't overlap friend circles things should be fairly smooth.

5/24/2017 5:52:08 PM
A creative Sadist with a Dominant nature, such a potent and alluring combination.

5/19/2017 4:25:02 AM
Have I mentioned I'm not a fan of mornings? So I wasn't up exactly at 7, but I was up before my alarm finished. Enjoyed a nice white chai tea, brewed the proper way and not from a tea bag....have to say coffee is so much more eye opening. Dawns on me I started all of this on the wrong day, since tomorrow I'm up early and will be working doing sports massage for a 5k fund raiser, unless I want to be up at 5 am this won't be happening.....hmmm, maybe I should just do that, and get to bed early tonight. Mornings are never this hard when they start with being fucked awake, just sayin'

5/18/2017 7:55:58 PM
So, some of the basics involve taking care of myself. I thought about some of the rules I've had in relationships in the past and while I'm still sorting through which ones to try again, the top three I'm going to implement now are a mandatory bedtime, I'm going to bed at 11pm and plan on being up no later than 7am. I think that's pretty reasonable. I'm still not sure just how much sleep my body actually does need, but I do know that to be healthy I need to be getting the proper amount. I spent years only sleeping 4-5 hours, and the last couple of years bouncing between very little sleep and way too much. With migraines and a seizure disorder I can't afford the extremes. The second is a morning meditation. I'm giving up coffee, again, in favor of a tea meditation. I think this would be a good way to start the day in a mind set of serving my clients, the organization I volunteer with, my family, and my friends. I used to do morning rituals to help me get into a slave mindset with my ex master. Without a master I'm bringing it back to those I do serve, as well as myself. In therapy I've finally started to work through my trauma baggage, and I've started down the path of gastric bypass surgery. A lot of my weight has been about hiding. As I work through all these issues, I think have a time of day where I can meditate on my life, my goals, my progress, and just exist peacefully with myself in the time frame will be valuable. It's already a lot of work but I'm hopeful that by the time I'm done I won't need to hide anymore, I can be healthy, happy, and at peace with myself and my world. Eventually, I'm hoping to bring that healthy self into a relationship, but I've got a lot of work first. If I'm sleeping well, up and starting my day early, then working out every day again shouldn't be a problem, so that's my third goal. To start my day with a work out at least five days a week, and to end my day with a yoga routine. This will help me to be strong, something I need to maintain for the work I do, also to be flexible and help prevent injury. Prime directive is to take care of Master's property. I don't have a Master anymore, but I can work on this and who knows what the future holds?

5/18/2017 10:35:23 AM
I think I need to go back to my basics. Creating rituals and protocols for myself. I want to do a morning meditation and tea. I need to get into a daily work out routine again, with at least a couple of those days being out walking in the sunshine. I need to make a list of the skills I need to brush up on, and the skills I want to learn. Start over and create something new in my life.

5/17/2017 10:40:03 PM
Batting around the idea of not going to the kinky beebq. It's a long drive to sit and have a beer with friends and watch people play while not playing myself. Done with playing though, if I did play I'd just end up dropping alone, probably while driving home....which just sounds awful, a 13 hour drive dropping out of an endorphin high... Maybe it's be better to just focus on other things for the moment.

5/17/2017 6:41:46 AM
I've come to the conclusion that I'm allergic to mornings.

5/16/2017 4:16:34 PM
The event Saturday was amazing. I ended up leaving MI early and getting to Cleveland just before noon. It was the perfect time to get the key to the motel room and wish Traeonna luck for her interviews, she looked amazing in her kimono, corset, rope, and boots. It really was amazing how well her outfit represented the parts of her, her leather background, her eastern interests, her love of rope, it was all there.

While Traeonna, her girl kilty, and kilty's girlfriend slave-Amendah went to the interviews I was able to crash in the motel room and get some writing done for work. It was such perfect timing that they came back just as I was finishing up. Amendah had asked if I would take over handling Traeonna for a bit, she was exhausted and just needed some down time. It was really a good feeling to be able to take time to serve and not just be a presence.  Trae was so keyed up from the interviews, talking a mile a minute, second guessing her answers, just way too wired. I managed to pin her down with an offer of a massage, and it was great to be able to get her to a place where she was able to rest, relax and just drift for a bit. Kilty and Amendah were able to get in some quiet time too, it was such an atmosphere of rejuvenation at that moment.

I got to meet a new friend when I met my roommate for the evening. AK was an amazing injection of energy and curiosity. New to kink, to leather, to bdsm she had so many questions, and everything was new and shiny. It was so awesome to be able to see the bdsm world through her eyes when I'd become rather cynical about it myself.

The event itself was a total energy feast! I ended up wearing black "wet look" leggings with a long black tunic, a red silk scarf, and a long black sweater. I felt really out of place with my lack of leather. I kind of knew that would happen, but all of my leather outfits would require heels, and my ankle just wasn't up for that, by the end of the evening I really felt like I'd made the right choice. Still, I'll be happy when I get my leather corset altered to fit me better, I think that would have made a difference.

What really struck me about this event were how comfortable everyone was there. They could be themselves without judgement and it showed. All the gorgeous people, and the leather, omg the leather, the men in kilts and leather pants, the women in gorgeous leather skirts and corsets, vests everywhere...Mmmmm, totally beautiful.  It was amazing seeing the couples interacting too, the level of protocol and service being displayed between all of them. I found myself really missing having someone to serve as the night went on.

Then there were the fantasy scenes, holy shit! If you have never gone to a leather competition and witnessed a fantasy scene you are TOTALLY missing out on something amazing. It got me wondering what I'd have chosen for a fantasy scene, several things popped into mind, maybe I'll write about them at some point.

I really loved the Master/slave competitors questions. At one point the slave was explaining how serving her Mistress coffee was a huge deal, it was part of their thing, and how the Mistress at one point asked someone else to get her a coffee and how crushed the slave felt when that happened, because it was their thing, something special between them. I could actually feel tears in my eyes, because I remember those feelings, of having something special that was between my D types and when they would either then do something for themselves or ask someone else to do it, it made me question what I'd done wrong, what I was being punished for, slave-bit's deion was dead on for me and something I could totally relate to.

The absolute best part of the night was Traeonna winning, now both she and kilty are current title holders, so they're definitely going to be busy bees. But being there to support them, even in a small way, felt really good. There was so much positive support among the Ohio leather crowd, even seeing leather people representing other states and regions was amazing. They are a community. Leather isn't just something they wear, it's representative of their connections with each other, their support of each, their kinks too, and that it's something to be earned or gifted. Kilty was gifted a beautiful leather, wood, and iron walking stick that suited her gentleman personality perfectly. And every piece of leather Traeonna wore was either gifted or earned, from her Masters' cap down to her boots. It was beautiful listening to her describe each of the pieces and how they were presented to her.

At the end, during her speech, Traeonna acknowledged her "non-leather" supporters, there were three of us, and informed all three of us that we were adopted into her leather family lol. I can't say that any of us mind one bit. I think that was another thing that I really appreciated about the evening, learning about the people who'd founded households and groups. Learning why people had earned titles like Mommy, Daddy, or godfather. It's not about an adult little fetish, it's about being the head of their leather families, and sometimes those leather families are spread out over the entire country at various levels. The titles, all of them, are earned. It's such a beautiful thing to hear and witness.

And, I have to say, all the gay guys getting it on was hot as hell!

5/13/2017 11:26:33 PM
Ok, that whole event was just....amazing! And hot! And awesome! So many impressions. But that'll be something to write about tomorrow, tonight, ugh in need of sleep.

5/12/2017 7:36:21 PM
I think I ended up trying on about eight different outfits, three were nixed right away for requiring heels. I mean I could wear the heels but my ankle still isn't strong enough to wear them for very long. I finally narrowed is down to a comfortable bohemian look. So not a good leather look, but so majorly comfy. I figure I'm there for moral support and to cheer my friend on so it's not like anyone is looking at me. So excited! Road trip!

5/12/2017 11:39:02 AM
Sex should include laughter. Life in general should include laughter. Play scenes, service, the ones I've enjoyed the most have included being able to laugh with my partner. It's important to me. I'm making note of these things as I realize them.

5/11/2017 12:46:26 PM
He offered to top me when I come back East, to hurt me. There is a part of me that wants that so badly. To be hurt again by someone I know won't harm me, someone I already know I share a connection with, someone who knows my body already, I'd love that so much. Another part of me wants to hold back, afraid it'll be so good that when I leave and come back again to not having it, the drop will just be too much. I miss playing. I miss that S/m connection and energy exchange...but I don't know if I can drop alone again and then get used to that void in my life...again....I need to think about this more...

5/10/2017 6:42:15 AM
Trying to decide what to wear to GLLA this weekend. A part of me is thinking of wearing my leather skirt, boots, and corset. Another part of me is leaning towards black slacks and shirt with leather boots. I suppose I could just bring both outfits and decide when I get there.

5/9/2017 10:36:06 PM
Got to love all of those who forget they've messaged you before and that those messages show up when they message you again. If you can't remember talking to me the first time around, why would I bother a second time?

5/7/2017 8:05:31 PM
I like the idea that there is a spectrum we all fall on, on the one far end is Master/Mistress and on the other is slave. Then I think of others as being magnets, and depending on how strong their pull is on us, is how we react to them. There have been people I've interacted with who have such a strong pull on me that I want to call them Sir, I feel compelled to want to serve them, to kneel before them, to focus on them. There are some people who have no pull on me what so ever, and are neutral for me. There are others that push me in the direction where I lead them, have power over them, where they follow and aren't quite sure why they're following me but they do it anyways. So you ask for a title, and what does that title mean? Well, it's a starting point of where I may see myself at that present moment, but it doesn't mean that is where I will stay.

On a more primal level it's the Alpha's at one end, and the Omega's at the other, but it's the same premise, your dominance is all relative to who you're interacting with at any given moment.

5/5/2017 7:25:00 PM
Tonight while talking to the Domme who currently runs the house I live in, ask me an interesting question, "why do you even want a Master?" I gave her the answer that I love to serve and sometimes I even like to be subservient, to be the one on my knees with a hand wrapped around my throat or in my hair. She then asked me, "Why can't you make that part of your dominance?" That question made me pause....logically I know several dominants who like to bottom on occasion, but even while they're bottoming it's still very clear they're in control, they simply enjoy the occasional walk on the otherside but choose not to live on that side of the slash. Honestly, I never gave doing that much thought.

I have always known I'm a switch. When I top there is a heavy D/s aspect to it when I top males. That D/s aspect is missing when I top females, but then again the females I've topped in the past already belonged to someone else and it was very much a case of service topping. Whenever I've thought about being in a dominant role all of the time I get annoyed and a bit resentful of the idea of having to constantly be responsible for and directing someone....but what if that was part of the negotiations to start with, that there were days that would be theirs and I wouldn't be directly in control in those moments....ok, that kind of makes me go, Hmmmmm....maybe.

I've spent so much of the last 8 years trying to be a good submissive, servant, slave, bottom...and failing...miserably. I get told over and over again that I only and submissive when I choose, that I only obey when I choose, that I can only play at being submissive before utterly failing. I was very offended by those statements at the time but what if they have a point?

5/3/2017 10:06:24 AM
July!!!! God, I can't wait to see old friends again and be in Maine. The Beebq is always so much fun. I mean where else do you get to go camping out on acres of land, set back in the woods away from anything, with 25 to 100 other kinky people. Spending the day laughing and enjoying conversation with like minded people and playing out under the open sky? It's where I threw my first bullwhip, got topped by three expert whip throwers, and got flogged in the rain. So many good memories and good friends. Now the only question will be, do I drive or fly lol. I can't wait!!! It occurs to me that with as much as I miss new England and it's people, it should feel like home...yet when I returned in February, it didn't feel like home anymore. It's an odd feeling, to be without roots.

4/30/2017 5:57:47 PM
In case folks don't me very well, be warned I have a sarcastic and cynical edge under the quiet and sweet veneer. You've now been warned.

4/27/2017 8:59:00 PM
I have this kick ass coworker, she did some sort of painful thing to my hips and legs and Voila! No more pain! Apparently it's possible to separate the muscles and put the tendons and ligaments back where they're suppose to be normally. Hurt a whole lot first though, omg, but so much better now. Unfortunately, she couldn't help speed up the healing and strengthening process but I'll take what I can get.

4/25/2017 8:13:19 PM
2011, I believe that's when I joined collarspace. A man who was topping me at the time suggested joining. A lot has changed in six years. There's part of me that still craves that one who can dominate me and feed the side of me that loves pain. More and more though, I want more than a Dom or sadist. I want a friend. A partner in life. Someone who's life is intertwined with mine. Someone to have a relationship with where there's love, caring, and mutual respect...Someone who is willing to put time into our relationship and not just receive it's benefits when convenient. Thinking maybe it's time to move on...And be done with this account.

4/21/2017 4:25:55 AM
Yup, sprained my ankle...Again. third time in 15 months. It's all sorts of interesting colors at the moment and rather painful. It probably isn't helping that I'm working on it, but in my profession if you don't work, you don't get paid. After a long day yesterday, I think today I'm going to try wearing an air cast instead of a soft ankle support. It kept giving out on me yesterday, and it sucked to have my ankle roll in the middle of a deep lunge....I know I've said I miss pain, but this isn't quite what I had in mind.

4/17/2017 8:26:11 PM
I had a moment of insanity and decided to turn my trail walk, into a trail run. It was so much fun! Although my body is now wondering wth I was thinking. I think I need a brace or something for the ankle and foot I injured last September, I didn't realize it hadn't healed completely back to normal. Seriously it probably would have healed better if I'd just broken all the bones instead of spraining them. Annoyance. Perfect season though to start running again! Rediscovered my sadist;)

4/4/2017 7:03:10 PM
I miss being whipped. I miss the challenge of standing still while a Master of the whip works over my body, the whisper of the cracker saying hello, the crack of it around my body, the sting as it connected. That moment of stingy pain followed by bliss as my body connects with my soul, and the energy flows between me and them and back again, connection rippling through the whip. The beautiful welts, warming my body long afterwards.

4/4/2017 6:48:59 AM
The problem with morning is leaving my nice, warm, and comfy cocoon. I have no problem rising early in the summer when it's nice and warm, and I'm not sleeping under the covers. But right now...I have this nice warm cocoon and dammit, the house is cold! Lol I know, whine, whine, whine.... K asked me to come down and help her work on some leather for one of the title holders, so that's tomorrow's grand adventure. My weekend has begun!

4/3/2017 8:43:33 PM
Such a wonderful birthday! Sir took me out to dinner and then we went to see Cirque de la symphonie, and I got to spend the night in his arms. The only bad part was saying good bye. I miss him already :(

3/30/2017 9:34:32 PM
Today sucked, I'm not even sure exactly why I over reacted to that extent. Felt like a volcano of emotion going off and I really wanted to flatten someone....Aiming that at my office manager and my boss was a really bad decision. I'm curious what the fall out will be...I should be more than curious but there's a part of me that is tired of the Bs and just can't find it to care. Another part of me is "wondering wth just happened?!" So much for daily yoga, grounding, and meditation. FML...All I'm doing is working, with no other outlet and nothing but drama and negativity every where. What I wouldn't give to be alone at a cabin on a lake in the middle of no where for a few weeks.

3/23/2017 8:08:32 PM
Communication for the win! WOohoo!

3/22/2017 8:48:51 PM
I don't know, maybe you're right, maybe I'm not a slave. I sure am an opinionated human being. But then again, how does that make me not a slave?

I love to top, I'm a bit sadistic, and sometimes I even enjoy being on the receiving end of a power exchange....how does that make me not a slave?

How do I explain to you what I receive from serving a Master I call my own? The peace I've found in rituals, protocol and boundaries?

How do I explain how I desperately need someone to be in control and usually, there is no one else but me, so I hold onto control so tightly because I have this fear if I relax and let go there will be no one there to take over and everything will fall apart on me?

How do I explain the joy I find in hearing "good girl", or in knowing I've served Him well and pleased him? It's a joy I feel all the way to my soul....and one I miss dearly.

How do I explain how chaotic my brain is, how it's always running in a hundred different directions at any moment, to the point where there are nights I don't sleep because I can't shut it down, but how having someone else to focus on quiets all that?

I used to have this dream of serving someone so completely that my life literally was theirs to command. That their happiness and comfort would be my primary goal. And in return their love, appreciation, and a mutual respect would be present. It was such a wonderful fantasy. I've slowly let go of that dream, reality has been a harsh master of lessons.

I don't serve another because I have this burning desire to serve someone else. I serve another because you don't want my service and I do have a compulsion to serve. A part of me withers in agony when I'm unable to serve in any manner, so instead I stretch myself as thin as possible, serving in a variety of ways, just to be at peace with myself when all I really want is one person to serve and love.

So maybe I'm not a slave...not submissive...not dominant....not anything other than just another human being on this earth, trying to find a life of purpose and a place where I fit.

3/21/2017 10:34:01 PM
I got to learn the Leto hip harness tie tonight!!! And relearn some basic ties, omg so much happy dancing!!!! And this very nice d type/rope top let me practice tying him! I have to admit, it's helpful tying someone who knows what I'm suppose to be doing. I think I'm totally getting back into rope topping, I seriously love this!

3/18/2017 11:13:25 AM
I finally found a therapist to work through my trauma history with, it's both satisfying and terrifying at the same time. I've healed quite a bit over the years. I've done a lot of work on my own, but it's always there effecting my life. I'm more than ready to get rid of any baggage from the past that nolonger serves my present and future. Some of the self destructive patterns I keep returning to are for the same reason I've used S/m over the years. A way to quiet my mind and/or connect to my body. I used to struggle with disassociating, I didn't realize there are times I get so over stimulated and stressed out, that I seek a way back to that place mentally. That, was an interesting realization today. I work on my baggage, constantly. I never expect anyone else to fix or heal me. I have that same expectation for anyone else who wants to be a part of my life. If you aren't​ willing to help yourself, why should anyone else?

3/16/2017 12:27:08 AM
Apparently I've offended sleep and it's staying away. Tonight kind of sucks. I ran into a door stop and ripped off a toenail, such a little body part really smarts when injured. It matches the finger I shaved a section off last week. This is not good pain, I'd like to call red on injuring my extremities, and insomnia...

3/14/2017 1:21:25 PM
I'm in an introspective mood today. I have slave on my profile here, because the options for what you can identify yourself as are so limited. On other sites I have "evolving" as my category, because I am constantly learning, changing, and growing. I joke often that my primary fetish is to learn and that I'm incapable of stagnation. I do however, want to explain how I came to settle on slave, for those people who are constantly accusing me of misrepresentation.

First, what I am not, I am not submissive. I tell people this up front. I am a strong and capable woman. I am someone who knows what it's like to be completely torn down, to be harmed, to be abused, and who rebuilt herself from the ashes. I carry confidence that no matter what happens in my life, as long as I am living I will be alright, because I have lived that truth. I follow when someone else clearly has a greater need than I do to lead, but I only follow to the point where they prove themselves a leader worthy of being followed. Personality wise I am more of a gamma personality, perfectly capable of leading, but not needing to lead others, which is more of an alpha trait. I certainly don't require anyone else to lead me like a beta or omega either. I am self reliant, self motivated, and self assured.

That said, I DO have an intense need to serve. It was something trained into me growing up and something I made my own as an adult. In my vanilla life I have a career centered around serving others, I volunteer frequently, it's something I highly enjoy. BDSM wise I am constantly learning skills for the express purpose of finding one person to serve. Despite the failings in my M/s relationship the one aspect I highly enjoyed was getting to serve every day, it was a very centering feeling for me. While I know and have even met Dominants who serve their communities and their causes, I honestly haven't meant any that serve an individual.

I am also a masochist and fairly heavy pain slut given the right top or sadist. My body is wired to turning pain into pleasure. Again, I do know some Masters and Dominants who are also masochists, so this by itself doesn't equal a bottom type, except I don't know any of those who also enjoy having someones boot over their throat while their tied up...but I suppose this could be the case for someone.

An s type friend of mine describes herself as being a little d and a big S. Meaning she's an alpha submissive with a dominant personality, her Mistress just happens to have a personality more dominant than hers. I can relate to that deion. I come across as sweet, and quiet when you first meet me, this is a deceptive impression. For the first year that you know me I'm really observing you. Cataloging your boundaries, your needs, your desires, your weaknesses, and your strengths. Seeing how I fit in helps me to know how to proceed. It always amazes me how many people don't do the same in return. You think you know me, and then are surprised by things I say or do, but that is odd topic.

So why slave? Because of that service aspect, that desire to find someone more dominant than I am to serve, to be a compliment to, to build something strong with, to be a part of something where someone else is leading and to help them lead. Perhaps it's the wrong title for the purposes of this website. But then again, slaves not only built great pyramids, they ran empires and were trusted with great power in times of old. Some of the strongest men and women I know in this lifestyle wear that title, and are a source of pride for their owners.




3/14/2017 12:51:50 PM
Humiliation is a hard limit for me. It was the driving force to ending my M/s relationship. He had a deep desire, a NEED, to humiliate his slaves. In the end, he used a passive form of humiliation on me, by ignoring me in front of his household, his other slave, by literally treating me like I did not exist and my needs and desires were nothing, he humiliated me to a level that was beyond my tolerance. Me, being me, took the whole situation in, and left. He was aware of this being a hard limit for me long before he became my Master, he was made aware of it again before I moved 900 miles to serve him 24/7, and he was aware of why it was a hard limit. I am a great believer in the prime directive, I will not allow anyone to tear me down. Humiliation is a hard limit for me, I've had enough of it to last me a life time. And quite frankly, I didn't understand how he could have a need and desire to humiliate me, knowing how damaging it could be to me. We were a clear case of opposites not being good for each other.

But I digress, today  I find myself researching it  because I want to understand why some people have a drive to be humiliated. Why some people need humiliation to feel at peace within themselves...how can this thing that I find so intolerable be a necessity to their being?

From what I am reading, it's a very real power play. Humiliation at it's route is taking away someones very humanity and bringing them down to a level of being nothing. It's the abasement of pride and dignity and the lose of status or standing...which then makes quite a bit of sense to me.

To be humiliated then, would be the ultimate lose of control. You can do nothing to stop it. It is something to be survived, but if you ultimately do not want control in your life, than humiliation would be something to be reveled in and sought after, as much as someone else might seek to be tied up and physically restrained. When done in a consensual manner, then it is indeed, a total power exchange. This, I can understand.

Slavery, submission, Mastery, and Dominance they take so many different forms. What is a power exchange for one, might not be a good fit for another. I personally cannot tolerate humiliation that tears me down, I simply wont put up with it. I see no need to put up with it. But, can I in turn humiliate another, if that is something they need? This question brought me back to a couple of scenes and occasions. One was putting my feet on his face while he jerked off, when we talked about this afterwards I told him that wasn't my thing, it really didn't do anything for me on a personal level, which was truth in regards to that particular act, but seeing him get what he needed gave me a glow of affection for him.

In previous situations I've done CBT during scenes in a crowded dungeon, with people looking on, I remember one particular switch that I regularly played with who did not like playing in public, and didn't like cumming with other people watching. Yet when he asked to play one particular night, that was the scenario that ended up negotiated. Looking back I didn't think much of it, and in fact quite enjoyed his embarrassment, not because his humiliation was enjoyable to me but because his enjoyment was enjoyable to me. I totally got off on having that power. For years I've said giving or receiving humiliation is a hard limit for me, but upon reflection I'm realizing that giving it is not a hard limit, as long as I know that the person I'm giving it to is enjoying it, needs it, wants it.


3/14/2017 9:36:43 AM
I often wonder if people realize how identifiable the backgrounds of your picture make you? Yup, there's your arm, and your bathroom....And now I know you're actively looking for a Master or Mistress to humiliate you...Which makes her being at your home last month even more telling...And now how am I suppose to trust you? What really annoys me, is that I am a fairly open minded person. I've brought this up a couple times about what you need as far as the lifestyle is concerned and you keep prevaricating, and in the end saying you're still figuring it out. I'm not sure if you think I'd react badly, don't really care what I think, or why you just can't be honest with me. Honesty however, is a must. I'm beginning to think people like to just see if they'll get caught.

3/13/2017 6:59:55 PM
At the moment I am thoroughly tired of being cold. Ugh

3/12/2017 7:12:43 PM
Day four of my 30 day yoga challenge complete! I really do better with exercise and stretching when I have something to work towards. I love that He loves my body as it is, but it did upset me how discouraging he was of me training to run again. I really want to run a 5k, it's a goal, so to be discouraged from achieving that goal and having a fitter and more healthy body just to keep my boobs at their current size...Yeah, that doesn't work for me. So next week I start training. So excited!

3/12/2017 4:56:43 AM
Another spring to turn the clocks ahead. Seriously, daylight savings time is really out dated and needs to be discontinued. Yet, same time I'm awake two hours before my alarm, and my brain is circling nonstop. I know these aren't things I need to make decisions about right this second, but with no outlet to destress other than working out, my brain just doesn't turn off. I've been meditating, I'm doing yoga every day, I'm doing strength training. I'm working my business and for someone else. I'm engaging in social interactions. I'm so tightly wound up that I feel like snapping. Because there's that one part of me that finds such a huge stress relief in pain and service, of letting go and letting someone else have control. I hold onto control of my life so tightly, sometimes I just really want someone I can trust to let go with...

3/11/2017 5:48:23 PM
I got asked to bootblack at CLAW in April, I was so bummed to have to say no. A part of me still wants to say, "fuck it" and agree to do it. It'd be such an awesome experience. This whole work, and being a responsible adult occasionally sucks, but I just can't afford to take another weekend off in April, and driving three hours there, then three hours back, while bootblacking in between on just one day...I'd be completely worthless for work on sunday. But god, I so want to say yesssss. :(

3/10/2017 1:22:23 AM
You keep telling me I have all these people topping me, and I'm servicing all these people...This constantly having to soothe your insecurities is getting a bit old.

3/9/2017 6:47:49 PM
A question I just received, " How many Masters have you gone through?", One, what an impertinent question to ask anyone. Two, Master's are not hats, belts, or accessories that I put on and put off at random. I have been owned once, by one Master. He was someone that I knew for three years before I formally asked for his ownership, he owned me for about 15 months. There were a lot of personal circumstances that necessitated that relationship ending, but although we are not together, and not friends, we still are in an friendly acquiantanship and to the point where he still considers me part of his family and household. Master's are not accessories to me. This is a journey and submission isn't something I give lightly. I currently have a dominant I'm in a relationship with, he is not my Master but he definitely has the potential to be. What a rude question to ask.

3/7/2017 11:18:04 PM
Accidentally cut a chunk out of my finger. That's what I get for trying to eat more veggies, ugh. Seriously painful considering it's just a finger darn it. Turns out, orgasms while a nice distraction, don't have a lasting pain management effect. I did need them though.

3/7/2017 1:25:25 PM
~happy dancing~ I now officially have an office space to practice out of! It's shared but it's a start! Woohoooo! And I get to talk to Sir on the phone tonight and hear his voice ~happy sigh~ it's the little things, no?

3/7/2017 3:06:52 AM
I miss Sir. :/ I miss his awesome cuddles, his kisses, arguing about politics and life philosophy, I miss his smile, and the way he makes me feel small but protected. I miss the way he wraps around me when we go to sleep, and the way he mixes making love and fucking me. I miss the feel of his cock in my mouth and the sounds he makes when I fuck him. I really miss his hugs and kisses....I'm not yet at the point where I miss his snoring though lol. Sighs. not a fan of these long separations.

3/5/2017 10:22:27 PM
I think I'm bored with bdsm. I get just enough exposure to it that it keeps my interest, but not enough for it to actually quench any need. It's like having boring sex, in the same position, over and over, without any orgasm. Becomes very banal. So the question becomes do I want to just walk away completely? The boyfriend is currently in no man's land where bdsm is concerned, he has no idea what he wants out of it. I know what I want out of it but at the same time I'm also a personality that loves to be continually growing, changing, and evolving. Rigid roles would never work well for me. But he's got these compartments in his brain, and bam! Once you're in a box there you stay...Now I'm a fan of boxes...And I'm a huge fan of taking them apart and using them to build something else. This whole side of my life is so very muddled right now. I'm not a fan of muddled. On the positive side, I'm finally back to work! Work is my happy place, seriously I love that about my life. So many good things happening there. Perhaps the muddled side of my life is the balance for the awesome parts of my life? Balance is good

3/2/2017 8:06:58 PM
Between the professional conferences I need to attend, the trips home for family things that I need to attend, and the bdsm events I want to attend, there's not enough time and money this year. I might need to figure out just how important the professional conferences are...or better yet, find professional classes happening at the same time in the cities as the bdsm events and combine! Oh! I like that idea. I would really love to go to the MsC in Baltimore, I'd really love for Sir to come with me but it's way too far away to ask at this point. Maybe I'll buy two tickets, then even if he can't come maybe I can find someone else to come with me.

3/2/2017 4:27:17 PM
So lesson learned, that message was exactly what I needed to send to Him. And I'm proud of myself that I was able to make it respectful, and inquiring not accusatory.  Communication is definitely something that is going to be an ongoing thing for us, but I think we'll get the hang of it, eventually. We talked quite a bit today and it's nice to know where my relationship stands...that it does still stand. Hopefully once he's back home and these meds kick in so I feel better, we can actually have some in person time.

Great news! I don't have shingles, turns out I had a severe allergic reaction to a spider bite. I now have reason to be paranoid of the little creepy crawlies!

3/1/2017 10:04:53 PM
I finally just sent a message asking for clarification as to where our relationship stands as far as he's concerned. This up in the air, uncertain relationship status just doesn't work for me. I like communication and connection, if you're not willing to communicate with me, then what kind of relationship can we possibly have?

3/1/2017 6:16:59 PM
What is your vision? The place you see your life headed? What is it that you need? What is it that you want? Do you know the difference?

I tend to get caught up in new relationships when I'm in them, and lose track for a short time of what it is that I need, and the vision I see for my life. But that vision has never really changed much. I want my own small, private practice located in a small building built next to my house. I want the type of work that doesn't feel like work because quite frankly I never want to retire.

I want friends that are more like family. People welcomed to come in and out of my home like family with an open invitation. People who's homes I can drop by at any time and be welcome in return.

I want someone to share my life, who has enough similar interests that we can walk together, with enough of their own interests that we don't live in each others back pockets.

I want a man I can serve, love, and submit to. A man who when we come home at the end of our day apart, he can pull me down out of the toppy headspace I spend my days in and my submission and devotion can help feed his dominance. Someone who cherishes me like his most valuable and prized possession. Someone who understands that the real world requires that in some things we walk as partners. Someone who's lead I can follow and trust. Someone I can pamper and purr for and know he's being renewed by the service he's receiving.

I will fill my life with purpose and work if I have no one to focus on, but that doesn't mean I enjoy constantly working. I don't want to own an empire, I want to nurture something much more intimate and close to my heart.

I have a slave heart in that I crave that ownership and possession. I crave being able to turn control over to another and trust in Him. To serve Him. Be cherished by him. Be given boundaries. To be so well understood that there will be times words would not even be needed. To know His needs so well, that I could anticipate them before he says anything.

I walk through life and alpha with no true need to lead, but totally capable of walking alone, independent and self sufficient. I do not NEED my Master to take care of me. I do NEED to be loved. I do NEED clear, consistent communication. I do NEED quality time with Him. I do NEED to serve. I do NEED someone who is willing to become a part of my life as a whole, vanilla and bdsm.

I want to find someone who is willing to work with me, together, so that we both grow as our connection is nurtured. I want someone who loves the out doors as much as I do and is willing to go on adventures every now and then. I want someone who is as self motivated as I am, and is taking care of themselves and their lives, not expecting others to take care of them.  Actually that might be a Need more than a want, I cannot respect someone who expects everyone else to take care of them, or who is not self motivated to succeed at whatever they are endeavoring to do.

I have friends in my life who are family to me. I have an odd living situation, that works and that I don't expect anyone else to understand. I don't believe in BDSM being just sexual, and it completely baffles me when I talk to people and all they think about when I talk about service is sex. Sex is awesome, don't get me wrong, but it is not the be all and end all of life. To me a D/s or M/s relationship has the capacity of being so deep a connection that it involves every area of your life. To me Service is such a rich and multifaceted thing that can compass something as simple as opening a door for another person, to something as personal as a giving them a bath, or welcoming them into my body. To see a need and fulfill it gives such an amazing feeling, especially when you know it's truly appreciated.

2/27/2017 10:40:01 AM
I officially call red on having shingles. This is unpleasant. Not to mention inconvenient.
I'm in the middle of starting my own practice, outlining a business plan for a nonprofit I want to start as well, and my schedule at my boss's practice is always full and we're starting a new program within her practice that I'm also organizing. I LOVE being busy again....developing shingles is SO not helpful! Grrrrrr!

I'm really not meant to be the type of person who sits around all day doing nothing. To me it doesn't feel like work, and the end result will totally be worth it.

The s tribe is planning a weekend in chicago and in Vegas too. ~happy dancing~ They're an amazing group of slaves, a group of strong personalities who totally get shit done.

2/21/2017 3:06:46 PM
My sadistic friend offered to top me. It was a sweet offer. She's an owned slave with an adorable and even more sadistic mistress who giggles as she inflicts pain, which is both awesome and slightly terrifying lol. I said no, women topping me outside of needles and fire doesn't usually turn out well. But I keep turning it over in my head, I miss subspace. Ugh.

2/20/2017 8:40:26 PM
Gut instincts, should never discount them. The end result couldn't have turned out better though! So excited by how my professional life is turning out!

2/19/2017 6:09:11 PM
Some people are so caught up in the fantasy, they forget we need to live in reality.

2/19/2017 5:01:23 PM
A friend of mine suggested pushing the pause button on this relationship. To be honest, I'm inclined to agree with her. I have a lot going on in my life. I wont carry a relationship for both of us, at some point the other party has to be involved too. I'm more than worth the effort. So pause. In mean time, I need to figure out whether to rent this office space or keep looking, you'd think this was an easy decision.

2/17/2017 7:08:02 AM
Sometimes things just work out perfectly. Like that space I wanted to rent for my business suddenly becoming available again! ~happy dancing!!!~ the idea of failure is still anxiety producing but every time I think, "what if I fail?", I can't help but immediately think, " yeah but what if you succeed?". The what ifs in life always go both ways, and you never know for certain until you try.

2/16/2017 10:33:19 AM
So many of my friends and acquiantances are going to the NELA fetish flea this weekend and I'm soooo green with envy! I loved going to that particular fetish flea. Next year, I am finding time in my schedule to go. One big fetish event per year. This year it might be the Master/slave conference in september, depending on my professional training schedule. This is turning out to be a good year...except for the relationship side of things, but then again what else is new. There is clearly a a relationship trick I don't know about, since several guys have told me that they need to play hard to get, i'm guessing that's the trick. ~rolls eyes~ oiy.

2/15/2017 9:06:08 PM
Is it just me or is the chatroom not working?

2/15/2017 7:48:14 PM
They're bringing back a rope group locally, I'm excited about that since it's so close. As a top I really do prefer saran wrap, esp. for suspensions, but I had a lot of fun with rope too. I think I need to get some new stuff though, mine is now almost seven years old and hasn't had anything done with it in a few years.

I'm going to try to get to a few more of the BOE events as well. And I want to get to the MAsT group down in Columbus next month. I really liked the Columbus venue, it seems worth the three hour drive. I wish there were more events here in eastern MI, but I wasn't impressed by the ones in Detroit, and the MAsT group in Royal Oak you have have to jump through hoops to attend.

My friends in Toledo are also restarting their rope group, as well as a couple of event and learning type things. An hour isn't bad, so I have no problem going to those events as my schedule allows. Starting a new business and taking on additional responsibilities in my current business means I don't have a lot of free time, but I need to start doing some more networking.

I seriously miss my new england network. ugh.

2/15/2017 5:43:00 PM
I feel like with every relationship I've gotten into, that I've learned more things about myself. I've learned more about what I need and what I have to offer.
Today I spent quite a bit of time analyzing why the sudden silence and space in this relationship is doing no more than mildly annoying me. I realized there's a lot of things my mind has been keeping tabs on unconsciously for me. The fact that I was doing more work in the relationship than he was, in communicating and keeping in contact. Even going up to see him, rather than him coming down to see me. The fact that he kept trying to get me to top him, and even when I presented him with a new cane while on my knees and begged him to play with me, he wouldn't. He talks more about himself than I've ever talked about me. He has this picture in his mind of where I fit in his life and he's never actually consulted with me about how I feel about being compartmentalized to that extent.

I am not the vanilla girlfriend.

What truly annoys me isn't that he didn't tell me the friend he had over while I was away was a prior lifestyle Domme that he subbed to, what annoys me is that he wont communicate with me about it. I am fairly open minded. I agreed to monogamy and exclusivity because it's what he seemed to need, and since I'm pretty sexually monogamous it didn't bother me. But I know I had expressed that if there were needs that he had that I couldn't meet, and vice versa, that we needed to sit down and talk about it. I honestly don't care if he has a dominant of his own, as long as she didn't try to dominate me, and as long as her relationship with him didn't interfere with my relationship with him, I'm pretty open to the idea. But to not even talk to me. To shut down and just not communicate.....that's not ok.

I also realized I've spent the last couple of months trying to pretzel myself into a mold that I just don't fit well in. I am not the vanilla girlfriend, the meek submissive, or the arrogant femdom. I had been up front that I am a masochist...and I'm getting pretty frustrated ending up in relationships where that side of me is shut down. I do not know what it is about the male D types out here in the midwest, but they seem to lean towards D/s and shy away from S/m. I am a masochist, it's what drew me to BDSM to begin with and it's a major outlet for me when I'm stressed. A light spanking or tweaking my nipples during sex is....omg, boring.

Also, while I cannot tolerate micromanagement and am a strong personality, I need to have someone at the end of the day who can be in control. The more control I'm having to take in the outside world because of my business, the more I want to give up at home.

My primary love language is service, yet he would never let me serve him except sexually. To me service is a huge skill set that I work hard at, to not be able to even cook for him, or clean up, or shave him, or hell even give him a massage, sucked. I'm a massage therapist, how can someone not want a massage from someone who knows what they're doing and does it well enough to make a pretty good living at it? I don't get it. I'd go to various skills classes and he makes fun of me for doing so, like the class on shaving with a straight razor, he flat out refused to even consider letting me shave him, but then offered to shave me....seriously I should have caught that one sooner. When someone says they are service oriented, why would you try to cut off that part of them?

He told me that I only played at submission, i'd submit when I wanted to...that's not entirely true. He hadn't gotten to a place where I could trust him enough to submit to him. A dominant needs to be trustworthy of the submission an s type has to give. I know there are some s types that freely serve and submit to every D type they meet, I'm not one of them. I control my life, and only when I know I can trust someone with the parts of my life I've worked so hard to build up, do I start giving over control. It's not a quick process for me. To be honest I don't think it should be a quick process on either side. Get to know each other, get to know if you can trust each other with the power exchange first. I know the power I hold in my life, I don't just give it over because you say so.

I feel like our vanilla lives mesh very well in so many areas...but the kink sides of ourselves clashed, but where we could have worked with that, opened up and expanded to find other partners outside of our relationship to let in and fill those needs, he just stopped communicating. Which is kind of ironic when it's usually me who has communication issues. Yay for personal growth!

1/4/2017 8:14:58 PM
In the end he said for me to come and I opted to stay home. I love that he was willing to just cuddle and take care of me, but the hour long drive feeling so horrible, in bad weather just didn't seem wise. This did bring one thing to my attention, I'm still vying for control. When I'm this sick I feel vulnerable and I find it easier to hibernate than to ask him to take care of me. Yet, when he's sick or not feeling well I love being there for him. That strikes me as selfish. I need to work on letting him be there for me. On being vulnerable to him. I'm not sure how to work on this but maybe he'll have some ideas.

1/4/2017 1:24:44 PM
I'm suppose to go over to Sir's house tonight. I've been sick for three days. I have my period. I feel so frickin undesirable right now that I honestly feel like there's no purpose for me being there. I very much want a hug and for him to take care of me but that doesn't seem fair to him....Maybe I'll just stay home. Blah. I hate being sick.

1/3/2017 1:48:28 PM
I tend to always expect the best of people, so I'm not quite sure how to deal with someone always expecting the worst from me. It's like we're two opposites of the extreme and both need to learn to meet in the middle.

12/31/2016 11:39:28 PM
I'm not going to chase someone to have them in my life. It's not a good feeling at all. I either matter enough for you to care and communicate with me, or I don't matter. If I don't matter then there's the door, I don't want anyone in my.life who doesn't really want to be here.

12/24/2016 8:13:36 PM
I've come to appreciate mornings, when I'm not with Him I always get a good morning text from Sir. When I am with Him I've discovered sex in the morning is the perfect start to the day. Morning wood is such a wonderful function of the male body and must be taken advantage of when it presents, don't you agree?;) Happy holidays all. 2017 is going to be fabulous!

12/14/2016 1:34:08 PM
I've never been one who really notices a man's ass. I always look at the shoulders. A wide set of muscular shoulders are enough to make my hands itch to touch, and my tongue want to lip...but Sir's ass...geez I could watch him walk away any time, just to see his beautiful ass and shoulders. ~hands twitch~ I seriously love his body. He's on this quest of muscle building and losing weight, which I support but I really love his body already, just the way it is...he's so frickin touchable, and lickable....mmmmmm

12/10/2016 9:27:05 AM
Smiles...my Sir...my Dominant...mine....who says s types can't be as possessive as D types? Who says D types don't enjoy hearing that as much as we do?

11/26/2016 7:10:58 PM
I have to admit, I'm not quite sure what's my insecurities, what are indicators of not much interest or a dead end, and what's reality....so when I start to have those thoughts, what do I do? yup, bury myself in work. Amazing how productive I can be when I'm procrastinating or practicing avoidance.
I need a scene soon...sighs...probably still a good thing we haven't played, then I'd get used to that as a stress reliever.

11/22/2016 11:50:51 AM
Every time I spend time with him I feel like he reaches a bit more with his dominance and I submit a little bit more. It's not a striking, all consuming, and all at once thing. And I genuinely love listening to him talk, even if I don't have much to contribute to the conversation, he gets so animated and excited about the subjects he's speaking about. Many times I feel like we're not on the same page, but more and more I believe we're at least in the same book. And I have to admit, I've never had someone compliment my ass...or ass crack, so much. I don't know if he says it to make me blush or he just really has a thing for my butt.

11/19/2016 7:28:51 PM
Way too many massages this week. My poor body is not happy with my work load. Ow ow ow Sir is sick :( my first inclination was to make chicken soup for him. Then I decided not to, since that seems.like it'd be something you do for someone you've been seeing longer than a month and a half...I need a frickin instruction manual. Prior poly relationships were easy, someone was sick there was a primary partner there to take care of them. Never ha in done a monogamous relationship before I feel totally clueless about what is normal and when. Single is definitely the easiest relationship. Me, myself and I have just about gotten us figured out. This, this is like deciding to hike Mt Washington in loafers without water or a jacket in May. In better news the BOE is doing a formal dining class and a D/s shaving class, so psyched about both of those!!

11/18/2016 11:34:09 PM
This is the problem with crashing into an exhausted sleep at 9:30 at night by 2am I'm wide awake. So, instead of sleeping I'm researching topics for the work newsletter and plotting. Such is my life. I got approved for the time off for Wicked in February! Now comes the debate, do I go or save the money and use it for other things? Like a car....you know this whole adulting thing occasionally gets old.

11/18/2016 5:47:52 PM
Sigh....just sigh I don't want to socialize when I get home from work, I just want to go to a quiet place and decompress. I don't want to eat dinner at 10 at night. I don't want to clean up messes I didn't make in rooms I don't use. I don't feel the need to do maintenance on a house i do not own, especially when said owner of that house doesn't so any maintenance on his own damn house. All of this apparently makes me a horrible human being. Go figure.

11/17/2016 8:41:08 PM
I am impatient, stubborn, and highly reactive. I have walls a mile high from a life time of betrayal. I can be a sharp tongued bitch or completely oblivious. I am also loyal, loving, and empathetic. Seeing people in pain literally hurts me. Leaving someone in pain when I can help is impossible. I give too many chances because I want to believe people are worth them. I am smart and driven. I dream and I plan. I'm self motivated and idealistic. People are complicated. There are parts of me that I don't much care for and I try to continually work on. You can judge me for those parts, just realize you have them too. Those dark pieces of yourself that might be a little warped, a little dirty, a little despicable. Everything in life has a balance, if you want the good you need to be aware of the bad that balances it.

11/15/2016 7:17:36 PM
needles....or whips..or even a good old fashion bare handed spanking...I need to play.

11/15/2016 2:41:10 PM
Usually I opt for pain management massages. When you give so many massages every week your body begins to hurt, badly. Doesn't matter how much I stretch, or strength train, I end up hurting. So instead of relaxing fluffy bunny massages I get focused and often painful massages to help the dysfunction. Today was a needed reminder that sometimes you just need to relax, god that felt good. Course trying to get any sort of motivation afterwards, meh, not so good for that lol.

11/15/2016 2:30:44 AM
I should take up boxing.

11/14/2016 7:37:08 AM
Horny, frustrated, angry, or anxious I go work out. It's like a shot of energy, confidence and calm all rolled into one.

11/12/2016 4:46:27 PM
So, I respond to stress by getting upset initially, and then settling down to make a plan and proceeding with action. I'm a fairly classical example of a traditional learner in that way.

When I was originally planning the move last year to come out here to be with my then Master, I had planned on having my own place. I had planned on continuing with multiple jobs while I built up my MT clientele, that wasn't a decision he was pleased with or wanted, and eventually I gave in and agreed to move into his home. When our relationship ended I wasn't in a position to move, mentally or financially, so at that point it was a relief to be able to stay and just rent a room from him. After last nights argument I can see the error in that decision, but it was the best I could think to make at that time. I keep reading all the articles about why you can't remain friends with an ex, turns out they're actually correct on this matter. So last night I was upset. Between that argument and the awful meeting with my boss, I was more than a little stressed last night.

Today I woke up hopeful. This past year I allowed other people to take care of me. I allowed myself to slow down after the insanity of living back east, of working 80 hours a week and going to school and supporting myself in the Boston area which is insanely expensive. In the process I found myself beginning to rely on others and forgetting that I'm rather good at taking care of myself. I don't need anyone else to take care of me financially, physically, mentally. I did a kick ass job of that for years. So today I worked things through with my boss. Applied for a couple of jobs that I can do while I continue building my clientele, and looked at new places to live. Today was empowering.

I may be an s type, but I'm not the type that needs anyone else to take care of my affairs. I'm strongest when I'm taking care of my own business. So to the ex, thanks for the lesson. Now, I just need boxes. One nice thing about moving, great opportunity to get rid of stuff.

11/11/2016 8:06:46 PM
renting a room from ones ex is never a good idea, for anyone involved. I so don't want to move right now, but it's kind of looking like that will be happening soon.  I hate the whole moving thing, it sucks.

11/11/2016 7:56:01 AM
It was ok to ask :) However, it turns out it wasn't really ok to tempt him into fucking me...I never thought I'd meet someone who hates getting up in the morning more than I do, heee, bad s type I know. But it was such a nice feeling that he appreciated the small things I did around his home.

11/10/2016 8:00:55 AM
Ugh! I asked! Why did I ask? Women aren't supposed to ask, are they? Are s types suppose to ask? Toys aren't suppose to ask. I'm not a toy... he's not looking for a toy...was it ok to ask? ~groans and buries my head~

11/9/2016 5:46:07 PM
I miss him when we're apart. Kneeling in front of him last night felt like coming home. And seeing a little of his silly, spontaneous side today just made me miss him more later. Course he made the mistake of leaving me to sleep in while he went to work, which meant I just had to do some cleaning...hopefully he doesn't get upset looking for his clothes put away rather than in a basket. I'm not sure why men have dressers and closets when they don't seem inclined to use them. But it felt good putting his home into some order.

11/6/2016 9:25:57 PM
My housemates have gotten me hooked on watching marvel movies....I feel like this might be a slippery slope...I mean what next? Star trek? Star wars?....ok, I won't get carried away;) I have no idea how I end up with so many friends who are geeks when I'm not one...I'm surrounded.

11/5/2016 6:45:17 PM
"If I want it, I'll work for it.
If I'm working for it, I'll work until I get it.
So yes, I get what I want."

Love this!

10/31/2016 9:34:51 AM
So I put all this thought into a conversation that we were both way too tired to actually have...but damn, it felt so good to be with him...and to have my body still feel him now. 

I can go back to mulling over what exactly it is that I want....what an intriguing question to be asked.

10/29/2016 6:05:58 PM
Fireplay is as awesome as I remember it being, especially at the hands of a sadist....happy endorphins!

10/26/2016 12:13:22 PM
He's asked me to think about what I want...such a simple yet complex answer.

10/23/2016 5:38:37 PM
I was so excited to try some of the new tricks I learned that I came home and polished silver for three hours....it was both immensely satisfying to see 100+ yr old silver shine again, and incredibly painful, my shoulders and head were forward in one position for wayyyy too long, ow the screaming. I did however, keep thinking the whole experience might have been more rewarding if I were wearing cuffs and a posture collar...or at least more interesting. What? I'm a service type, odd things amuse me, and service involves so much more than just sex.

10/23/2016 10:40:54 AM
I keep getting messages asking if I'm for real...and have been told by people that I've met in person that I come off as "for real" in my profile. This leads me to conclude ya'll are running into a lot of folks who are either bots, not who they're pretending to be, or aliens?
Honestly, I'm just me...least I hope I'm just me....either that or this has been one hell of a long alien dream. O.o

10/23/2016 10:11:54 AM
So one of the classes was on silver polishing, and the instructor gave a tip of trying Blue Magic with vinegar windex on particularly bad tarnish. That blue magic stuff is ridiculously hard to find! Third store had it though, guess my go to place will now be Autozone lol, since it's usually used for cleaning chrome bumpers. Wonder if that makes me doubly prepared....silver cleaning:Check, Chrome bumpers and wheels: Check Check. Which reminds me, I need to get my brakes checked, I'm pretty sure my car should be stopping without my brake pedal just about hitting the floor. ~sigh~ I hate vehicles. Love driving, hate the whole maintenance thing.

10/22/2016 4:28:35 PM
The service intensive was so worth the travel down here. It reaffirmed what I already knew I loved about service, as well as gave me a lot more to consider moving forward. Plus I met some awesome s types who had a lot of wisdom and talent to share. The AIS space here in Columbus is I'd phenomenal! I've seen quite a few play spaces but this one had so many stations, and socializing room, and was just warm and welcoming. I was going to stay for the play party but quite frankly I'm practically asleep standing up, with the long drive home it didn't seem wise, not to mention I really didn't want to play tonight for various reasons. Finding someone who either already understands the energy exchange with service or who is willing to learn how to actively accept service would be nice. it's not a passive thing when you have a service oriented a type, and so many dominants just don't seem to get it. Service is not just limited to sexual or kink, it's so much more than that, yet every time I speak with a Dom their minds automatically assume I'm talking sexual service when I speak of service, and that's just not so. When it comes to sex I'm kinky as hell, and only willing to be a service type so far....but other forms of personal and domestic service really appeal to me. Not to mention learning skills I can offer my future dominant is a huge kink all its own for me, I absolutely love learning and attempting to perfect new skills, it's an important part of my personality, bother kink and vanilla.

10/20/2016 7:59:52 PM
Every year our boss has us take a personality test, and then we share them at a staff meeting. So last year I took this test and Achiever tied with Reformer, with helper coming in second. This year reformer came out primary. Apparently I've stopped looking for the approval of others and I still get shit done lol. Oddly enough, despite the helper side of my personality being so strong, my varient this year was self preservation. I can see that, I'm not going to let someone bring me down or break me, ever. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those warm, fuzzy people who's emotions live close to the surface but that's just never going to happen, so I'll settle for just being me.

https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/type1.
Enneagram Type 1 - The Reformer

Perfectionists, responsible, fixated on improvement

Enneagram type 1 - The ReformerPeople of this personality type are essentially looking to make things better, as they think nothing is ever quite good enough. This makes them perfectionists who desire to reform and improve; idealists who strive to make order out of the omnipresent chaos.

Ones have a fine eye for detail. They are always aware of the flaws in themselves, others and the situations in which they find themselves. This triggers their need to improve, which can be beneficial for all concerned, but which can also prove to be burdensome to both the One and those who are on the receiving end of the One's reform efforts.

The One's inability to achieve the perfection they desire feeds their feelings of guilt for having fallen short, and fuels their incipient anger against an imperfect world. Ones, however, tend to feel guilty about their anger. Anger is a "bad" emotion, and Ones strive sincerely and wholeheartedly to be "good." Anger is therefore vigorously repressed from consciousness, bursting forth in occasional fits of temper, but usually manifesting in one of its many less obvious permutations - impatience, frustration, annoyance and judgmental criticality. For this reason, Ones can be difficult to live with, but, on the high side, they tend to be loyal, responsible and capable partners and friends.

Ones are serious people; they tend to be highly principled, competent and uncompromising. They follow the rules and expect others to do so as well. Because they believe so thoroughly in their convictions, they are often excellent leaders who can inspire those who follow them with their own vision of excellence. Reform movements are frequently spearheaded by Ones.

Ones are often driven and ambitious, and are sometimes workaholics. But whatever their professional involvement, they are definitely active, practical people who get things done. They are natural born organizers, listmakers who finish everything on the list, the last one to leave the office, the first one to return, industrious, reliable, honest and dutiful.

The relentlessness of their pursuit of the ideal can make Ones tense people who have a hard time relaxing and who unnecessarily deny themselves many of the harmless pleasures of life. They tend to be emotionally repressed and uncomfortable with expressing tender feelings; they generally see emotionality as a sign of weakness and lack of control. They are seldom spontaneous. They have multiple interests and talents however; they are self-reliant and seldom run out of things to do.

Ones are often intelligent and independent and can easily mistake themselves for Fives

, but unlike Fives, Ones are primarily people of action, not thought. Ones tend to worry and are prone to anxiety and can sometimes mistype as Sixes

, but they are far less affiliative than Sixes and their standards are not reached by seeking consensus with a group. Finally, the relentless pursuit of perfection can take its toll and lead to depression. At such times, a One can mistype as a Four

. But Fours have a tendency towards self-indulgence whereas Ones are self-denying. Fours are emotionally expressive; Ones are emotionally constrained.

Save

10/19/2016 12:14:22 PM
You think you have trust and communication issues, I haven't even told you a quarter of mine. A part of me is looking around for the other shoe to drop and trying very hard to keep an emotional distance. The other part is just not listening to my very rational walls. oiy.

10/18/2016 12:57:18 AM
It's been interesting to reflect on past relationships. In the last six years I've been involved with three relationships, one D/s based, one S/M based, and one M/s based. One ended from life circumstances changing, the other two from basic incompatibilities. Mentally though I've been going over them, trying to figure out what those failures were until I realized they weren't failures. I learned a lot about myself and what I have to offer and what I need from those relationships. There is a saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I really believe that saying and I thank my exes for the lessons, the love, and the memories.

10/16/2016 12:48:20 AM
When you message me and we converse for awhile, or even a few times, and then there's a gap and you keep messaging me to reintroduce yourself I'm mostly likely going to start ignoring the messages. If you couldn't remember talking to me then why would I waste my time again?

10/15/2016 7:53:28 PM
So yeah, seriously dude I just need to put this out there, I was a cna for seven years, after seeing and handling literally thousands of dicks, they really don't impress me unless the person they're attached to impresses me. They just all kind of blur and look a like after while. Pretty much all naked bodies do, which is a shame at times. It's the person who inhabits those bodies that make them something special. So instead of sending random and unwanted dick pics, why not send a piece of how your mind works and make yourself unique instead of just another random body part?

10/14/2016 9:58:05 AM
Today is a good day. I was really bummed when I first woke up, but I'm rapidly working to change that mindset. I mean, after all, I woke up! That in itself is a huge positive. Even though I overslept and missed my alarm, by an hour, I still woke up in time to get to work and see my first client, a client participating in a study I initiated and am conducting, how freakin' awesome is that?! I Love my job, how many people get to say they're doing what they love? I have a roof over my head with a rent that is easily affordable to me and doesn't stress me out. The housemates can be a bit much at times, and living with my ex a tad bit awkward on occasion, but I have my own space and I'm working towards something better, that's an accomplishment in my book. I'm making new friends and keeping in touch with some valued old friends, that in itself makes me rich beyond measure. My family has some major issues, but I love them and I'm loved by them. I'm kinky and get to explore that side, even if it's not active at times I get to keep learning and trying new things. I have a full and busy life, and it's one I've worked hard to achieve.

So I got asked what it is that I'm looking for, what do I want? That's a scary question to get asked. Most of my life it didn't matter what I wanted, so I never gave it much thought. Then I didn't know what I wanted...so I went after what I thought I SHOULD want....turned out I didn't actually want that when I got it. So I've been doing a bit more thought as to what I want, as a person, as a woman, as an s type. So after some thought I could probably type for days on this subject, but since this is CS, I'll limit it to the kinky stuff.

*I want a Dominant man. I know pretty basic, but as lovely as women are, and as much as I know several female dominants and highly respect them, my inclination is towards males, dominant males in particular.

*I want a man that I can get to know and who is willing to take the time to get to know me. I'm a firm believer in the fact that if I can't respect you as a basic human being, then you're probably not someone I'm going to allow any control of my life. Trust comes slowly but is worth the wait.

*I want someone I can laugh with, a sense of humor goes a long way and being able to play together is so important in my book.

*I want someone who has mastered themselves, or is long on the way the doing so. How can you expect to master anyone else if you can control yourself and your life first?

*I want someone who finds community, family, and friends important. Someone who wants to be active in their community, whether it's their vanilla community, or their kinky one.

*I would like someone who's interested in protocols, rituals, and service. Who's interested in creating ones that are specific to our relationship.

*Someone who understands service would be lovely too.

*I'd like someone with a bit of a sadistic streak in them. I'm a masochist, and I'm so tired of having to put that side of my personality away.

*I'd like to find someone who's interested in being healthy, active, and fit. These are all things I'm working towards in my life and it'd be nice to have someone to work along side me with them....if they happen to use stingy motivations all the better but yeah, someone who likes the outside, likes hiking, likes actually moving their body and is pursuing being healthy.

*I want someone who understands balance, moderation, and reality.

*I want someone who's monogamous, but doesn't mind platonic play with others on occasion, or possibly even carefully negotiated non platonic play, but who's not looking to add others to the relationship, or cheat.

*It'd also be really frickin' awesome if he wasn't an asshole, I mean seriously why do so many guys think being dominant means they have to be jackasses?

*I want someone who believes in effective communication and is willing to work with me to achieve good communication.

*I want someone who has the confidence to accept I have a career and am a fully functional and capable adult. That I don't need him to take care of me. The my need isn't for what he can provide financially, but what he can provide of himself. I don't need him, but I want him in my life and vice versa.

Maybe I want to much but I've learned that expectations are beautiful things.



10/14/2016 8:04:53 AM
So the irony is amusing to me, I'm not an acceptable prospect to you because apparently you have it in your mind I'm being used by all these other people. I have no control of what your mind makes up, but you putting that blame on me is bullshit. That's your issue. I told you multiple times, assumptions aren't good things, but thank you for bring up that issue so early, because a Master who works on assumptions is not one I want anything to do with.

10/12/2016 6:12:38 PM
So excited to help my friend out who's running for GLLA bootblack, I wish her luck! Her friendship and the rest of the s tribe has been such a blessing. To have other people to talk to who understand and totally get the mind set you're coming from is a huge relief. And she's coming to the service intensive with me the end of the month, which is exciting. I wasn't looking forward to another event where I didn't know anyone, my introvert side is just about out of energy for solo events. But I'm meeting new people and that means I have people I know now which makes things a whole lot easier.

10/12/2016 4:41:07 AM
Last night I went to a BOE class on Healthy Objectification. I'm not a fan of Objectification, and usually I put it in my hard limits box, but I wanted to hear what these speakers had to say. The speakers were Raven Kaldera and his boy Josh. Same ones from the MAsT group on Monday. I have to say, by the time they were done I didn't view it quite so harshly. Really it comes down to M types you really need to take time to get to know your s types before you try playing around in their heads. Too many I've encountered use Objectification as a way of breaking down their s types. For the record, that could possibly fall under the unhealthy category, especially if you have an s type with an extensive abuse history. People are foundations you build upon, unless you're the military trying to make young people into obedient drones. There's a reason they pick young people who's minds are still developing. I have a hard time with being treated like an inanimate object to be played with or not at whim. It hits a button in me that tanks my self worth. But there were some things they talked about that I could see as less objectionable given the right circumstances. So, next class is the service intensive in Ohio on the 22nd. I'm still debating doing the servants retreat in December. I'm just not sure I want to drive four hours for it. I'm in such a different place than I was when I first took it three years ago, it'd be interesting to see what new perspectives I'd leave with this time. So I was trying to describe what I was and what I wanted last night to someone I was meeting for the first time. I did it badly. But I'm never sure how to explain myself to others. I'm not a submissive, there's nothing naturally submissive about me, but given the right circumstances it is something that's been trained in me to the point of being second nature. I am service oriented, it's as much a part of me as breathing. So when I say I'm an s type, I tend to think of that first. Service goes well with being a slave type, except that I'm not the type of person who is going to give over.control easily or quickly. Control of my life came at a high personal cost, it's something I value and protect. I need to be given the time and space to learn that I can trust you before I start handing that control over. I find most D types don't seem to get that, they expect total obedience from the moment you meet them....which is beyond ridiculous to me. I'm giving over the power for you to harm me, I need to know I can trust you not to abuse that power. Patience is a beautiful thing, and something I'm constantly learning. And yes! I could wear the title of kinkster, I'm kinky as hell and proud of it ;) but it's just one of many titles I can own.

10/11/2016 10:28:05 AM
Working out is definitely a must for me, it settles my head and gets rid of the pent up energy that makes my body so restless. Almost as good as a play session...almost, but not quite.

10/10/2016 7:50:51 PM
So I went to my first MAsT meeting here in Michigan. Raven Kaldera and his boi Joshua were speaking on a communication subject. I really, really HATE going to places where I don't know anyone. If I could fade into a wall I totally would, so I was proud of myself for getting there...not so proud of myself for not being able to convince myself to talk to anyone, my introvert side was just out of energy to go that far in dealing with anymore people today. They're talking tomorrow at BOE in Allen Park, I might drop by to that one too. Healthy objectification...is there such a thing I wonder...I have to admit the entire time they were talking I kept identifying more with Joshua than his Master. As much as I'm a switch, and as much as I'd like to THINK I'd like to be a dominant, i'm just not. ~sighs~

Actually there was a lot about tonight that really had my brain thinking over time. There was a lot in my last M/s relationship that went wrong, and maybe it even started on the wrong foot. Our complete and utter inability to communicate was the biggest problem and it was all down hill from there. On the one hand, I really miss that relationship, on the other hand, I'm scared to death of trying again. That's one of the reasons I work so much, if I work to the point of exhaustion I don't have time to think or to notice the hole in my life. Unfortunately, that also means I'm stretched to thin...sometimes I wonder if I'm purposely trying to break myself with this pace...I still don't have an answer to that question though...not that it matters.

10/6/2016 7:50:38 PM
Thank you, I now know your name, where you're from, and that you feel entitled to ask stupid questions.

10/4/2016 4:27:31 PM
Thinking about doing the Butchmann's experience next summer, especially if I'm not going back east for the Fetish Flea in February.
This new direction my job is taking me in is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I feel like that pretty much sums up my life. Always being thrown in head first, left to sink or swim...yup, that's my life.

10/1/2016 4:38:16 PM
Love ren faire! And it's always amusing how much the ren faire folk overlap the bdsm folks. :) Life is good.

9/29/2016 10:47:11 PM
There is a moment, when you're at His feet, with your chin on his knee, His hand on your head, or the back of your neck, where your focus is so streamlined that the rest of the world falls away. There's that moment when you can't imagine being anywhere else, with anyone else, because He literally is your world right then....I miss the peace of that moment....and so many others like it, but not enough to keep reaching out.

Why do people feel that they need to be drinking in order to have fun? Is there a reason you can't have fun without alcohol being involved? I never understood the alcohol fascination, then again, I've always been that obnoxious person who ordered a drink at the bar with extra ice and walked away from it hours later having only drunk a quarter of it.

9/29/2016 9:31:12 AM
I love rainy days. They make me wish for a room with lots of Windows, a tin roof, and a fireplace. To curl up on the couch, with a warm fire going, and the sound of the rain hitting the roof, watching the trees outside dance as the rain drops hit their leaves. Having someone to share that couch with would be the icing on the cake.

9/28/2016 8:34:01 PM
Ugh, my poor ass is feeling abused and not for fun reasons! I remember now the hazards of researching, I get so engrossed I forget to change position or move. I keep trying to remember having no life now will pay off in the long run. I need some fun soon though, oiy.

9/23/2016 8:56:59 AM
Pondering exploring my Top side more. I realize I've been in this lifestyle for six years now, and I've kept trying to fit myself into submissive/slave roles without success. But I never really took time to explore my top side more in the process, and not just top side as in yes I can swing a flogger, a whip, and craft a scene, but the more dominant side of me, because I have such a developed service and masochist side...it's hard to wrap my head around that fitting in with a D type.

9/21/2016 8:40:02 PM
Service space, not really a sub space necessarily, certainly not the same as the head space I get with S/m play, but it's still this wonderful, peaceful head space...and then a few hours later, Thud. ~sighs~

9/17/2016 1:00:39 PM
I like to talk, to have an interchange of chatter aka conversation. I like finding common ground and being able to have at least a semi intelligent conversation. Who knew this was a lost art and that so many men are allergic to this art? In fact it's so threatening, they disappear afterwards, never to be heard from again...oops. "When you don't know me, I appear quiet. When you're getting to know me, you wish I'd be quiet. When you know me, you worry when I'm quiet."

9/15/2016 9:20:15 AM
Well, if I can't run then now is a time to work on my core. So 15 day core challenge:) and aim for daily meditation again. Need to get myself back on track.

9/14/2016 9:04:40 PM
I miss my old roommates, I never thought I'd say that, but they knew how to lace up a corset! It's really hard to do it by yourself! I had so much fun today teaching the Domme's boi different massage techniques for him to use on her at events he's serving her at. I really do love to teach:) and to see people feel better.

9/13/2016 6:49:56 PM
There are days I kind of look at myself and realize I need to work on being a bit more laid back...and who says that? work at being laid back, seriously relaxing should not be so difficult! But I had this goal, and when I set a goal it becomes something I pursue with blinders on to some degree. So there's a huge part of me that just wants to keep running, my foot isn't broken it's just sprained, I can run on that....the logical part of me says no and wants to listen to the doctors advice. I'm kind of hoping I'll see PT and they'll be ok with me running sooner. I really want to run this 5k....it's just so frustrating to finally be seeing progress and be set back. I'm so damn cranky lately...running and working out is a release valve.

9/9/2016 7:11:31 PM
I give up, sometimes I'm just not going to win.

9/2/2016 8:33:48 PM
So She asked me to teach her submissive some techniques he can use when they're at events or I'm not available and she needs a stop gap. It's kind of fun putting together a lesson plan. I was afraid he'd resent that she asked me to teach him, but when I reached out to ask him if there was anything he felt he was already strong at doing and what he'd like to learn his reply was one filled with an eagerness to learn. It's a humbling lesson to not worry or project my fears onto someone else. Her bear tells me I'm an odd attachment to their household. I serve her but I'm not in service to her. I am not a part of their household but they've started putting me under the umbrella of their tribe. It really is an undefinable position and one I am enjoying. Work is so crazy right now with the research study I'm overseeing and starting up our new program, it's really nice to get back to the basics and just work on someone for the pure joy of helping them feel better. No clocks, no having to fit my techniques into a specifically paid for modality. Just opening my tool box and working on her till all of the issues are addressed. It's so meditative I get lost in it. Detaching and ending ends up feeling so foreign. It doesn't matter if the massage was five hours long, the way she expresses sincere appreciation afterwards refills my service cup and makes it worth while.

9/2/2016 1:39:43 PM
Subtle acts of Dominance and submission while in public intrigue me. I know several couples who practice this and it really helps to maintain their individual headspaces. I keep wondering how that might translate to various settings, from the local fair, to dinner, to a high class restaurant and symphony, to a get together with family...so many little things an S type sound do out of respect that could be missed by the casual observer or completely remain unseen...so many things a D type could do to remind their s type of their proper place. Protocol and rituals can be so much work I know, but it seems worthwhile.

9/1/2016 12:03:01 AM
It's 3am, do you know where your sleep is at? Mine has decided to wander off, yet again.

8/31/2016 5:50:01 PM
I concede that I am not mechanically inclined. That said, I did manage to get the air filter replaced! the screws....sighs. They might be a bit dead.

8/31/2016 11:06:15 AM
I am so proud of myself, adulting all over the place. I feel like my phone is permanently attached to my ear though. Now, to pick up some penetrating oil and make my car behave! I'm attempting to replace my air filter and remove rusted bolts in the process. I have no idea if I need to get new bolts or if the oil makes the rusted ones all better. We shall see where this adventure brings me. This is what happens when all my mechanically inclined male relatives are now 900 miles away and can't save my poor baby. A part of me is tempted to bring her to the mechanic, the other part wants to thumb my nose at my mother who just royally yelled at me for letting my car get in such a shape. Wth, I don't know squat about engines...which was not my fault for being born female in a family where mechanical things were the males domain, sheesh.

8/31/2016 12:41:49 AM
Oh yikes! That was a very odd mini meltdown. Talk about crashing hard and fast. I'm going to chalk that up to hormones. A few hours later and I feel much better...the tears just kind of came from no where. If I played more often this would so not be such of an issue...or at least wouldn't catch me by surprise.

8/30/2016 9:13:00 PM
That was an interesting conversation. He told me it seemed like I was in a transitioning stage, where I could easily be the dominant one in the relationship. I don't think I explained very well why that wasn't so....First off, I am an S/m switch, I totally get off on the power of having someone under my control for short periods of time, of giving them pleasure or pain within agreed upon boundaries. And I find when I'm with a guy, if he starts to give me power, and not take it back, or not force me to let it go, then eventually I am in the power position in the relationship and the relationship will die a quick death. If I can control you, that's a problem for me. If you can't effectively control me, that's a problem for us. It's something very primal and fundamental for me that feels like it's constantly warring. The part of me that loves being on my knees, focused, waiting for direction, the part of me that loves to hear "good girl", the part of me that loves being curled up between his legs with my head on his thigh while he takes care of the world and I can can check out for a bit knowing he's in control. The part of me that looks to serve another, to make them feel better, to work towards something bigger than myself and to lose myself in pursuing the goal while trusting that someone else is steering and in control. That part of me wars with the part of me that needs to let go, needs to have someone strong to follow.

My ex Master once told me something rather profound, I can not give up control unless I know someone else is in control. He was right about that, I NEED to be able to give up control, but if I don't fully trust the ability of the person who's trying to take that control then it's not going to happen. And the more they try to pry control away from me, the harder I will hold onto until their grip finally breaks and nothing of me is under their control. And that works the other way around, if you give up control to me, I will take it. I may even revel in the power of it initially, but eventually I will not want it. I will be holding this control you gave over and start to resent it. Resent the responsibility and the weight of it. Until I hand it back to you and walk away. THIS is why I cannot be a dominant one in the relationship. I never want to resent someone under my control.

8/30/2016 7:58:49 AM
Fractionated coconut oil, I've recently learned, is good for quickly hydrating leather. Also good for massage, especially if you plan on licking someone afterwards, and is good as lube. Random information share today. I'm going through rebuilding my boot black kit. Seasonal care of my leather will be commencing! Yay fall:)

8/29/2016 8:44:56 PM
How many orgasms can you have in a row? I think 25 is my record, probably could have kept going but things got a little over sensitive at that point. First one is always stubborn and the voila!

8/28/2016 8:51:27 PM
Deadpool still cracks me up!

8/24/2016 9:02:08 PM
This site is so weird, I know I've put some of the people on hide or blocked and yet they keep popping up. Very strange.

8/24/2016 8:28:20 AM
So I had this brilliant idea to trade services with a sports trainer....who's also a sadist....bloody hell my quads are screaming at me...so I guess it's working. And note to self, ignore his laughter and just take the time to get the damn pebbles out of your sneakers when you're doing a 4.5 mile jog. Blisters suck!

8/23/2016 9:19:33 PM
Happy grin....thats all.

8/23/2016 4:09:01 PM
It was actually a lot of fun getting all dressed up again. Even more fun having certain specifications to dress up to...I think the only time that has happened in the past was when I was told NOT to dress sexily. The top I was serving at the time didn't want me to look in any way slutty. I honored that, but every now and then it's nice to show some cleavage, to dress up and feel sexy.

8/23/2016 11:26:55 AM
I now have a new appreciation for pain...with the increase in working out I'm discovering muscles I've never really acknowledged before and damn are they pissed off at me! Course on the positive side, I love how my ass is looking lol, I mean damn it used to be so flat, now it's all rounded and muscular, yay gluts!

8/20/2016 10:03:39 PM
That was an amazing evening! I got to watch a pro in action with bootblack, to help with a leather community fund raiser, and to hang out with some kickass people! And I got to get my hands grease again, squeeze! I also won a pair of doc martens! I'm so excited about them! And I learned the respectful way to handle a capped tops hat...happy sigh, tonight was an amazing memory to treasure.

8/20/2016 3:20:46 PM
Woohoo!!!!! I get to bootblack tonight!!!!

8/20/2016 10:27:16 AM
Prepride event tonight with boot blacking happening! I'm so excited!!!

8/19/2016 5:05:20 AM
I feel like the cat who's curiosity cost it one of its 9 lives. I'm always curious though, I like to know why.

8/18/2016 8:37:08 PM
My business proposal was accepted, and now I get to work with other people to build something awesome. I love this! No, I have no desire to be a millionaire or build my own empire but I love being part of something bigger than myself. I guess that's what drew me to a poly household to begin with....but I'm also worth the effort of being in a relationship with, which is something the ex never understood and unfortunately, poly households don't seem to work out very well for me. So if I'm never going to be part of a family, then screw it, I'm going to have a career i can be passionate about!

8/18/2016 12:20:58 PM
Yes!!!!!! Happy dancing!!!

8/18/2016 5:27:26 AM
I get to pitch a business proposal to my boss today!!! I'm so nervous and excited....and nervous, did I mention nervous? I've never done this before, talk about walking outside of my comfort zone.

8/16/2016 7:00:09 AM
I found a running buddy!!! I'm so psyched! Cause you know, the gym wasn't sadistic enough, lets go torture my body some more. But hey, same endorphins right?

8/15/2016 7:27:44 AM
I didn't quite hit my goal of getting up by 7am, but I was in the gym by 8am so I consider that a win. Tomorrow will be better :) I'm thinking of doing a 5K race in the fall. If I start training this week I should be able to hit one of the ones towards the end of October...Right now I'm doing 3 miles in 45 minutes, but that is in the gym. I need to find a running buddy for outside the gym. Someone along the lines of a couch-5k running buddy, not those training for 10k's, half marathons, and marathons omg...you'd kill me lol.

8/14/2016 4:01:52 PM
lol, it belatedly dawns on me that as neurotic as I am, i'm also easily amused by things I probably shouldn't be amused by.

8/14/2016 5:52:55 AM
So I just spent the last two weeks getting up every day by 6am. I'm finding mornings aren't quite as torturous as I thought. So my goal is to be up by 7am (I mean, 6am is just a wee bit early in my book) and to bed by 11pm. Steady and healthy. It'll also give me time to work out and have a healthy breakfast rather than dragging myself off to work without either.

This year is about getting healthy...and it's finally showing on my body.

8/13/2016 2:26:11 PM
It feels so good to be home again! And busy! I'm hoping to be traveling more in the coming year, as well as doing more with the certification I just received. If my boss doesn't agree to my terms, then I'll just take that as the universe telling me it's time to strike out on my own :) But I think she will, it benefits her more in the long run. Meeting more people and making more of an effort to make some quality friendships and relationships is also high on my priority list. Getting more involved in the Leather communities and maybe a bit more involved in the local kink community should help with that too. It's just rough to put yourself out there when you're an introvert and totally comfortable staying home and avoiding the masses lol. I did a psychological color test friday and it came up with some really accurate results.

"Your Existing Situation: Searching for a close bond with others which are accepting and kind. Needs a safe and peaceful atmosphere.
Your Stress Sources: Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as yourself, but finds the need unfulfilled. Your need to feel dominant and superior leaves you feeling isolated and you do not allow yourself to give freely of yourself. You would like to surrender and let go, but see that as a weakness you must not give in to. Holding back will allow you to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important.
Your restrained Charateristics: Tries to participate and involve yourself in things going on around you; however, you avoid conflict and arguements to reduce stress and tension. You are being forced to put happiness and pleasure on hold for now due to your limiting circumstances.
Believes your hopes and dreams are realistic, but needs reassurance from others. You have strict standards when looking for a partner and want to guarentee that you will not be disappointed or lose.
Your desired objective: Longs for tenderness and for a feeling of acceptance from a partner. Appreciates things that are beautiful, pleasing to the eye, and stylish.
Your actual problem: You want to be valued and respected and seek a close and peaceful relationships with a shared respect for each other."

Color psychology totally nailed it, especially the last one. Even if I end up back in a bdsm relationship and am on the /s side of the slash, the plain fact of the matter is without a two way street of respect it's never going to work. Too many toppy types just don't get that in order to receive respect they need to give it as well. I have a saying hanging on my wall that applies to all: Respect does not consist of possessing honors, but in deserving them.

8/12/2016 7:12:25 PM
I passed! And tomorrow I head home. I'm so excited about life and all its possibilities right now!

8/9/2016 7:03:23 PM
Life is fucking awesome! I don't know where this journey will lead and most days I feel like somewhere along the way I took aim in a sling shot and now I'm just along for the ride! Woohoo! I do have to say, I don't know where I would be if I hadn't met my ex master in person but I do hold a sense of gratitude for the timing of his entrance into my life. He came at a time when I needed an anchor in the craziness that was my life and schedule. He provided encouragement, love and support. And if he hadn't encouraged me to move out to him I never would have found the awesome job I did, or been able to pursue my professional passion. I will never regret my relationship with him, even if it did end badly. I sincerely hope he finds someone who fits him better than I ever could have....right now though,.life is fucking amazing to me!

8/9/2016 4:32:06 PM
Did you really just greet me by saying "hello useless"? Seriously dude, get a life offline for a change.

8/9/2016 4:54:53 AM
Ever pursue something and just know it was absolutely the right decision ? That is this certification for me. This trip was a good decision overall. I'm so excited about going home and continuing full speed ahead with my career and personal goals. If only I could get my personal relationships to fall into line as well. Its amazingly hard to find a man who fits in both to my kinky lifestyle and my vanilla life, and maybe it's unrealistic but ultimately that's what I'm looking for and quite frankly if you're married then you won't fit into my vanilla world. Just a fact of my life. So why is it I'm always pursued by married men? Or poly men who already have primary partners? I don't get it but I'm perfectly ok with staying single rather than settling.

8/7/2016 8:10:22 AM
Staying home has been a good choice, and worth the discomfort of putting a limit on myself. I'm really excited to attend this certification class this week too! I so have a learning fetish, I love learning new things I can then apply. I'm looking forward to going home and throwing myself back into my life as well. I'm pursuing my financial and career goals. Going back to the gym everyday again- I've actually missed working out here, I never thought I'd say that, wow. I found a D type that is a personal trainer and am trading massage for fitness training. I'm o looking forward to getting back into my leather care training, I found a bootblack in the leather community who's going for a national title, I'm trading massage for training there too. I go to my first leather event on the 20th which should be interesting. I feel more focused right now. I needed this trip home so much.

8/6/2016 6:34:14 AM
A part of me really wants to go to the event tonight. To visit with friends. But another part of me is just done and needs to stay in. My entire back is blistered from the sunburn and open in some places. And my right leg and foot swelled up and is pain, and hot making me thing I got a blood clot in it from the flight. I really just want to rest...but I hate saying yes and then saying no. And I haven't seen any of these folks in a year...sighs.

8/4/2016 7:36:15 AM
So I missed a few spots with sunblock ....part of my inner masochist really enjoys the discomfort. The less masochistic side of me, not so much. Esp. The backs of my knees. It's so nice to be home and just relaxing today. And tonight I'm having dinner with MadameKatera and the we're going to the Taunton munch! So psyched:)

8/3/2016 5:17:54 PM
There are two places I feel serenity the most, the ocean and the forest. When I'm at the ocean the sound of the waves hitting the shore and children's laughter makes me feel both playful and carefree. Playing in the waves for hours is such a joy! And in the forest I feel quiet, calm, and so very grounded. These places are.my escapes from the world. I need to make time for them more often. Today was visiting the ocean, as I as playing in the waves I started thinking about all the wonderful, kinky things one could do with a kinky partner and a private beach....someday:) now, to let my inner masochist enjoy it's current fried state, you'd never know I'd applied a sunblock with SPF of 50 every hour.

8/1/2016 8:16:34 AM
I am trying to live in today but I so very much wish right now was tomorrow! Lol, of course I would get a cold the day before I fly. I feel like hell physically but still can't wait to go.

7/31/2016 9:40:05 AM
I'm sleep deprived and over caffeinated but damn am I getting a lot accomplished!

7/31/2016 1:10:10 AM
So I made the mistake of looking at my phone when I woke up at 2am. At 3am I gave up the pretense of trying to sleep and started to research writing case study reports. Now it's 4am and I'm at a loss of what to do. Masturbating didn't help me feel tired at all. Three hours of sleep is going to hit me hard halfway through my work day. It's so sad the clients wouldn't appreciate a, "would you mind moving over? I know you're here for a massage but I need a nap".

7/30/2016 10:51:59 PM
Stupid girl, when will you learn?

7/29/2016 7:53:17 AM
There is only so much a Hitachi can do, it's so sad but true. Three more days till I fly east! So much to do in two short weeks though. And I'm super excited that one of my artistically sadistic friends is willing to finish the star design on my back. She cut the original Star five years ago during a scene she fondly refers to as making lemonade. Basically cuts the star into her bottoms skin, rubs sea salt into the wound and then fresh lemon juice is added to make a pleasant but stingy foam. Or so I'm told, she did it to me twice over the years and both times I as so relaxed a fell asleep. This time she's going to brand over the star and then finish the design pattern I've chosen. I'm SO psyched!

7/27/2016 9:43:57 PM
So yeah, sexting, phone sex, talking dirty...I'm all sorts of clueless about this sort of thing. Not that I haven't tried, but I'm much more a doer, than a talker. I'm sure I could get better, but to me it sounds like I should be reading erotica aloud or something. My brain wanders and I forget I actually should be talking. Yet another reason to avoid long distance and online relationships for me.

7/27/2016 5:56:23 PM
I'm going to a leather event in Ohio!!! ~happy dances~

7/27/2016 12:55:48 AM
I go home to CT in five days. I can't even fully express just how excited and relieved I am. A year away has been too long. I think maybe I scheduled too much this week though. I'm still having trouble judging where my limits are, and open days on my schedule just seem like they should be filled. But it means an additional seven hours of massage in a schedule already packed for the week and my body is feeling it. I keep justifying it as ok because I'll have 11 days of no massage at all. My body hasn't had that kind of break in three years. When I come back though I need to reevaluate doing massage as a service for any more people outside of work. It's so much easier when you serve one person who can put limits on how much you do. It makes it so much easier to say no or not offer. I still don't have anything to refill what it is that I'm giving away, that's draining.

7/26/2016 8:26:56 PM
I was feeling all happy and bubbly and now I'm just tired and cranky. I'm not a toy.

7/26/2016 6:05:34 PM
So today was the first day giving a massage to the female dominant I'm going to be serving once a month. It was actually really nice, she already had everything set up, I just needed to show up. We had such great conversation, and it was nice to finally get to work on someone without looking at a clock, just going through the body and working out issues as I came across them. And even better, I got an offer to have someone mentor me in my bootblack ~happy dance~ have to admit though, a four hour massage might have been a bit much, but it didn't seem that long.

7/25/2016 2:59:29 PM
All registered for the service intensive taking place in Ohio in October! I'm excited about that and the servants retreat in December.:)

7/25/2016 8:42:52 AM
After arguing with myself for an hour this morning about whether I wanted to go to the gym or not, we compromised. A two mile walk/jog through the neighborhood for the win! I love getting all hot and sweaty. Now some core work and off to do six hours of massage.

7/24/2016 8:14:36 PM
Siblings are the bane of my existence. Add to that having a blood related sister within your kink circle and it makes you want to shove someone off a tall cliff...preferably that sibling. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister. Anyone else talking shit about her would have to deal with me. But god if only we did not have so many kinky friends overlapping in our inner circles! Or maybe if she wasn't such a bitch...or if she didn't bring out the bitch in me quite so easily...the one thing we hear over and over is the utter disbelief that we're actually sisters, and the relief that we aren't at all a like personality wise.
Tonight, I'd kind of like to set her up and use her for target practice, preferably something sharp and shiny. Or even better, put her in a group of people all waving a "tickle finger" and make her laugh until her muscles cramp and hurt for days....yeah that would work.

Moral of the story, don't share a kinky friend circle with a blood relative.

7/24/2016 4:11:06 PM
Oh sure, now I drop. Sighs. This is the part where I really wish I had someone who cared about me that I could snuggle against. Dropping sucks.

7/22/2016 10:38:27 PM
Ugh, that was a huge bottom fail and rookie mistake. :( I finally get up the motivation to go visit a new dungeon for one of their classes. Was a great class btw. And the presenter was such a nice person, and so I decided. Wth why not ask if she'd do a needle scene with me? She was great, was totally willing. Had a huge sadistic streak. The scene was going amazing and about 30 needles in I suddenly didn't feel good. I told her we might need to stop, I felt like I was going to pass out. Apparently I did just that and then didn't wake up right away. Instead I broke out in a cold sweat and apparently turned white as a ghost. I woke up being held so I didn't fall off the table while a suddenly room full of folks discussed calling for an ambulance. I don't think I've ever felt quite that sick after passing out before. I was so nauseous, and was having such a hard time getting my brain to function. Finally someone thought to ask if I'd eaten recently....doh! Stupid mistake. I hadn't eaten since breakfast. Not only that but I'd gotten badly dehydrated at work earlier and probably wasn't full recovered from that....i had just been so excited to play I hadn't even thought to ask myself if I was in a condition physically to play. Total bottom fail.

7/20/2016 11:41:07 AM
I'm researching starting my own business....and giving myself a hell of a headache in the process. I'm really amazed at the amount of small businesses considering the loops you need to go through to establish one.

7/19/2016 10:36:25 PM
So I went on a second date with the couple who's shoes I did...and we're planning a third date....it's odd...to be dating a couple. Especially since I'm still not certain where I stand on poly. I hope at the very least they'll end up friends. Life is an odd duck.

7/19/2016 2:25:24 PM
So I was doing chair massage today, in this little out of the way room. People would quietly walk in, tell me what they wanted, I'd give it to them, they'd quietly put their sweaters, jackets, shoes, in one case her bra and shirt back on, leave money by my water bottle and leave the room. I have to admit, I kind of felt like a whore today, it was so weird.

7/18/2016 12:53:03 PM
~amused~ ok dude, I'm sure that message was sent to make me feel humiliated or something but just so you know, total fail. Maybe if I weren't going to the gym every day, doing cardio and strength training, dancing twice a week and eating a vegan diet I'd feel insecure about how I look. But I am doing all of those things. The weight maybe be coming off reluctantly but my body has never been stronger and I am very proud of that fact. I dare you, hiding on the other side of your computer screen sending fucked up messages to strangers, to do half so well with your health. Cowardly little rodent.

7/16/2016 8:15:28 PM
I seriously enjoy talking with you. I'm not sure if it's your voice, the way you take control of the conversations without being pushy or obnoxious, or the fantasy you present. So our visits to the Boston area overlap...are you just another business man away from home looking for a toy to fuck for a nights amusement? Am I just looking for a nights amusement? I don't know what to think of this one. You seem up front, but people can be anybody online, or far from home.

I wish I could be that person who just goes out and has fun with strangers without overthinking past the moment. Course I also wish I could be a laid back, type b person, instead of a high strung and neurotic type A personality. I swear the only time I relax is when I know someone else is willing, able and actually is, taking control. Then my brain seems to click into this, "Oh wait! Look we don't need to be more than focused on this one person, nothing else exists right not. Ok! Cool. turn off mode" which is really not cool to the neurotic part of my brain.

I've tried weed exactly twice (this actually ties in), both times in edibles. The gummy time was a shit show x 100. Turns out mix a gummy with alcohol and first the room spins out of control till I freak out, then I had seizures for 90 minutes. That was soooo not cool. My housemates convinced me to try it one more time, this time without the alcohol. Holy shit! I have never, EVER, in my life been that relaxed, but being on the floor between his knees, a hand fisted in my hair and my head wherever he decides it to be...that kind of thing comes damn close to a similar response. As does being beaten or whipped into a deep subspace and coming to curled up against him...that feeling of being completely at peace, free to simply drift and let someone else be in control...that feeling is more addictive than any drug. I'm not sure it's a wise feeling to pursue.

Changing direction, I've been meditating and going to the gym every day. This is prompted by work for the most part. The gym because I need to be strong enough to do my job. The meditation because I'm trying not to lose it working with seven other women, half of which are as type A as I am, if not more so. I love my coworkers, my boss challenges me and there's no way I could have advanced my skills so fast and learned so much if I hadn't went to work for her...but omfg we seriously need a few injections of testosterone in that office! I do this, the first year at a job I'm in this learning mode and absorbing everything like a sponge. The second year the powers that be start to annoy the hell out of me. Maybe I should just move up my time schedule and start my own practice early...unless I get that grant...or maybe I could do both...

7/15/2016 9:31:39 PM
So they messaged me and offered to let me shine their shoes. It was actually a great way to end a mildly frustrating day. Although how she managed such a deep scuff on that one shoe I have no idea, I think o had seven layers on the thing before it finally started to smooth over. They asked me to go out with them on Tuesday. It was weird, he was much more open in the setting we met in tonight, I'm wondering if it's just in crowded areas he gets so distant and hard to read. Maybe it's a military thing.

7/15/2016 1:35:38 AM
So it wasn't personal, my inbox was just getting slammed with messages, hiding my profile was the quickest solution. I'm very much looking forward to serving the domme down in Ohio, that was unexpected. I usually do not serve women. But she has a respect about her and a caring for her people and her community that made me reach out and ask. It's not a huge commitment but it's nice to dip my toes back into those service waters. I met a couple for coffee the other night too. I hit it off really well with her but found him a bit intimidating. That doesn't happen often, people in general dont intimidate me. I couldn't read him which makes me a bit weary. I'm usually very good at reading peoples body language, and hearing what they're not saying. He had one of those super attentive military bearings that made him look like he was in motion even when sitting still and a demeanor that just made me feel very unsure of myself. I found a lot about their philosophies and life plans that appealed to me, but I don't think I'm what they're looking for...and do I really want to get involved with another couple? I'm not sure what it is about me being drawn to poly people when I'm clearly not suited to that life style.

7/13/2016 9:05:44 PM
The less I'm touched, the harder it is to let people touch me. This is a frustrating conundrum.

7/12/2016 8:46:26 PM
That was an interesting conversation. You know it's possible for a dominant to push a submissive type to the point where they not only brush up against their boundaries and limits, but pass them. At that point, it gets into a rather sticky area of non consent. And where is that line?

I got to wondering about if it's possible for a submissive to push a dominant in the same manner, to push them to their limit and possibly past without their consent. Some good points were made about yes, it IS possible. I guess I just hadn't tried looking at things from that perspective before. The one about a submissive creating walls and offering up reluctance especially hit a chord.

If you refuse to be lead, refuse to let down walls, refuse to give up control, yet have a dominant who either lacks the skills, patience, or increased dominance in comparison to the submissives own dominance to over ride those, what does it push him to do? And how does that end up viewed? Especially if giving up control is something the submissive needs, not wants but needs in order to be healthy?

I am so very, very sorry I did that to you. There were so many personal incompatibilities in our relationship, and I should have seen those before I asked you to consider me to serve you. It was so easy for me to maintain a distance from your mastery. So very easy for me to shake your dominance off. So very easy for me to maintain my walls. Did I push you to losing control like you did? Intellectually I know that there were certain things already going on with you that I had no control or impact over, but at the same time you'd go on and on about my walls, and the frustration and anger you expressed at me...they were valid. I kept thinking though, how easy it would be for you to get past them if you'd just tried...but you were trying, to the best you could and I just couldn't let you in...I know what it's like to be pushed to the point you break, I just didn't think myself capable of doing it to another person. I'd ask you to forgive me, but I think it's too late for that isn't it?



I knew four years ago when our first long distance attempt failed, that we were incompatible...our kinks, our styles, our personalities. But we kept that friendship and I let you pursue me again...why did I do that? Maybe it was timing, I was cracking under 80 hour work weeks and going to school full time, your visit, it healed some of the cracks. It felt good to have someone else carry some of the stress with me. But I knew that I could feel your dominance flow off me like water. The choices were always mine. I still held the control. I knew that before my first visit to you...how did you not know it too? We talked almost daily for years, how could you not know? Is that why you sighed before you fucked me, when I asked for your ownership? It doesn't excuse me, I knew it wasn't enough. I knew by March that I couldn't serve you as my master, you weren't there when they said the c word to me, you went weeks without talking to me...i knew but still I kept up the charade. That's what it was, wasn't it? Letting you think you were in control of me...why did I do that? How could you not know? We argued about it! Multiple times. Maybe it was the lure of the fantasy? Maybe I was just tired and you caught me in a weak moment? I knew better though...so how much of your break down did I contribute to? I feel like such a bitch right now. I don't own everything that went wrong but I own that I pushed you , knowing better...

7/12/2016 7:08:15 PM
Turns out you place a vibrator over the sacrum and turn it up and it follows the whole pelvis right around to the g spot, that was a fun discovery....and that one place that when pressed on me almost always puts me into hyper sensitive mode would probably push me right into an orgasm if a hitachi was pressed hard there, omg...wait, I should try that and see....just having fun exploring sensations tonight :)

7/12/2016 12:54:21 PM
Nervous! I can't believe I'm nervous, but apparently I want this opportunity more than I thought. It's a simple service opportunity without much attachment, but it seems like a nice way to dip my feet back in without a full on commitment.

Edit: It went so well! Most dominant types I've talked to or been involved with seem to go out of their way to make me feel stupid. To impress upon me their superior intellect in a rather condescending manner. This one didn't. To have someone not only let me get excited about the things I'm passionate about, and listen to me talk was priceless. Then to excited about it with me...ya'll could learn a thing or two from this lady, that's all I'm saying.
It's not a big commitment, once or twice a month giving her a massage, but it's a way to dip my toes back in and see if I can work on keeping the internal well I serve from full and balanced. And who knows, maybe make a friend in the process. :)

7/12/2016 12:06:55 AM
I was having this discussion with a d type the other day and he made the comment that he knew my "type". Upon clarification he stated I wasn't a slave or submissive but a SAM. A smart ass masochist. I allow that it's probably I come across like that online. I have a love hate relationship with pain depending on the type, and I don't hide my masochism. I can also totally be a smart ass when I see no reason for filters, or am too tired to actually have filters functioning. In person though, I wouldn't wear that label. One, I do have some sense of self preservation, and pushing a sadist really isn't something I do. I will ask if I want a session with a sadist, not attempt to manipulate them into giving me what I want. Two, I know I push boundaries, it IS a deliberate thing on my part, but I only do it so that I know where those boundaries are and what happens when they're crossed.

I know I've said this before, when I'm told to do something by someone I've given some form of authority over me too, and I push that boundary with them, it's because I need them to reinforce it. If they've told me to do something, and I do something else, and they let it slide a huge part of me sighs in regret. If you let little things slide, then what other boundaries aren't important? How much trust can I put in you, that you'll match actions to words?

I push boundaries in every area of my life. How much can I get away with? Where Exactly is the boundary in reality? What are the consequences of crossed it?  And when I push up against one and it's enforced, I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief. I can work within those perimeters and grow.

You see me as a SAM....ok....we all have the right to our own perspectives.

On the other hand, I'm wide awake at 3 am, again. I was SO close to sleep, but then the dog wanted back in, and my brain started analyzing. I often think if I could just focus on one thing at a time, I'd get so much more accomplished.

7/11/2016 8:24:41 PM
So this is probably silly but I am SO proud of myself! A friend of mine was doing stand up comedy tonight in town and had invited to me to watch her perform. This is why I like having extroverts for friends. On my own I am perfectly happy going home and curling up with a good book. But I always have so much fun when I go out to, it's just getting the desire and motivation to actually GO OUT that is the problem. She totally rocked her performance, and the other comedians were good too. I enjoyed myself. Best of all, I found out this place has pool tables!!! I LOVE playing pool, I totally suck at it but it's a lot of fun playing with a stick and balls....hmmm, the theme of my adult life.
So yeah, a stupid thing probably, but I had a great time :)

7/11/2016 12:51:20 AM
And this is why when I come home at 7 exhausted I try NOT to crash.  I wake up four hours late and am up for the duration. So now it's almost 4am and I'm trying to figure out if it's worth trying to take another nap or just get up and hit the gym or something.

7/9/2016 1:11:58 PM
"The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition."

I love this idea.

How someone handles disagreements says a lot about them. People who handle disagreements well are actually very hard to find, imho. For the record, my crazy doesn't include handling disagreements well. If I'm around someone who is open minded about disagreeing, who enjoys a good argument, who knows HOW to disagree, then I actually enjoy a good disagreement. I'll actually enjoy the debate, the back and forth. I love seeing another perspective on an issue.

What I don't like, is when someone tries to railroad me, who thinks their perspective is the only one that could possibly be right. Someone who is condenscending in a manner that makes me feel stupid and completely ignorant. Those people I will shut down on. No matter what I say, to those people I am wrong simply because they feel they are right. Why bother debating or arguing with them, when it doesn't matter in their own superior minds?

The reason why I put poor disagreement skills in my crazy box is simple, it means I stuff things down inside until all it takes is something, that would otherwise be small and insignificant, to set me off. Then every thing I've disagreed with, everything you've done wrong, everything that is bothering me, spews out. This type of situation has one of three uncomfortable outcomes in my experience. First, the person backs down and apologies and there's just uncomfortable making up required because I feel like I've hit a puppy. Or two, they flip their lid and start screaming back, invading my space, and the fight just risks getting violent which is NEVER a good thing. Or I scream until I realize I'm shaking and I walk away till I calm down and then come back and oops, there's that uncomfortable apologizing again.

It would be interesting being able to be around someone again who disagrees in a manner that allows for open dialogue. Someone who can support their position, back it up in a manner that is clearly understandable, and yet is open to hearing anothers position as well. You'd think these were skills we'd learn as children, and yet so many of us don't. In my family disagreements were held often, and very loudly. On the one hand, it was nice, you so did not have to wonder where you stood or if someone did or did not agree with you. On the other hand, does anyone ever really hear anything when the volume it's delivered in causes your ears to ring? Yeah, not really.

7/9/2016 9:21:09 AM
Punctuation is a beautiful thing. It's especially useful when you're writing out a long fantasy and sending it to someone else. Otherwise it's just a couple hundred words (and letters since you decided text speak was a good idea) running together. So yeah, add punctuation....or better yet, a nice civil conversation. "Hi, I'm so and so, was reading your profile and liked xyz, so I thought I'd send you a message." I like civilized conversation from strangers, it helps me decide if I'm interested or not. You should try it.

7/8/2016 10:06:44 PM
The gym is my new sadist. Perfect place to purge the excess energy and emotion until my body is so exhausted I can't think of anything but putting one foot in front of the other. It's turning into a good motivator that I've also lost 26 pounds and one dress size. So, this seems to be a good thing.

7/8/2016 5:58:23 PM
There are times when I have so much restless energy, I really wish I had someone to wrestle, or argue, or something with, where the end result is being physically put in my place with the attitude fucked out of me. ~sighs~ instead, gym.

7/7/2016 9:36:24 PM
every now and then someone says or does something that triggers a submissive response to me, something unthinking and instinctual....and I remember that part of me...remember how it felt to kneel waiting...remember what it felt to be given a task and feel satisfaction in carrying it through...remember what it felt to feel his approval...or disapproval...I remember it all and when everything is taken out, remembered, relived in my mind, I stuff it back down and mentally walk away. Some things just aren't worth the price paid.

7/7/2016 6:56:19 PM
You know that feeling when you dream of doing something challenging and finally get it handed to you to try? I don't know what that feels like to you, but to me it's absolute terror lol. My boss is giving me the opportunity to do the research I wanted to do. To take the protocol I developed and see if it works. The call went out in our newsletter for test subjects. Everything I theorized I wanted to do when I as hired she's helping make happen just by letting me do my own thing. I'm humbled and horrified at the same time. God I so do not want to fuck this up. Now to play catch up on how to do case studies and document research. If the case studies comes out right, then there's. Good chance we can make a proposal to get a grant for a larger study. Squeeeee!!!

7/6/2016 5:57:38 PM
Listening to nickelback always makes me want to pole dance...

7/6/2016 10:47:48 AM
The responsible adult in me is focused on paying bills, working, advancing my career. The part of me that just wants to rebel and say to hell with it really wants to go to that concert, take a trip I can't afford, and find a NSA stranger to fuck. Lol, yeah I'm so the respectable, conservative girl next door. Right up to that moment the woman inside takes over.

7/5/2016 9:44:50 PM
I have no filters when I'm over tired. I have no idea where they go, but if it enters my head to say or do something, that filter just fails. Sighs.

7/5/2016 7:04:59 PM
I went to the BoE's fire play demo w/Traeonna presenting, it was easily one of the best fire play demo's I've seen in a long while. I don't think she has quite the experience and range of Pyrosadist, but she was good. She had people come up after the demo to try out the different techniques, but there were just too many of them and the noise level was too much. My tolerance of crowds is really low right now. It was different when I went with a Top or Master, I could focus on them and it felt less overwhelming. By myself, there's nothing for me to focus on and it's just too much. I miss playing, a lot. I don't know why I have such a hard time finding people to play with, but I always have, I just don't find the right connection with very many.

7/4/2016 7:43:44 AM
I do sports massage after various races and events and I'm so pumped during and right after, it's only when I sit down that I suddenly realize just how exhausting they are, then I want a massage lol.

7/3/2016 8:59:01 PM
I am so excited to be going home! Less than a month! Btw, I'm only quiet when you don't know me.

7/3/2016 5:10:07 PM
So I'm going vegan starting on Tuesday. I figure this will either be the healthiest thing I could do, or someone is going to end up murdered for a hamburger. I'm going for the healthy view point on the optimistic side. Not that I ate much meat to begin with, but having red meat five nights a week just doesn't settle the stomach at all.

7/3/2016 3:16:11 AM
Today I work on letting anger go. You are not worth my anger. Nothing I ever did or who I am is ever "acceptable" to you. Then again, who you've chosen to be and how you conduct your life is not acceptable to me either. Anger gives another control, you are not worth that control .

For the record though, my anger is not an "unacceptable" emotion. It's MY emotion, it was my reaction to the situation, and it was warrented. Just because it wasn't an emotion you wanted to deal with, that you've ever wanted to deal with, doesn't make it unacceptable. Your assholery though, that is unacceptable. On so many levels. You no longer control me. Get that through your head and get your head out of your ass. The world does not revolve around you, no matter what your girls let you think.

6/28/2016 10:47:41 PM
I keep reading all these profiles where people say you have to be active, and H/W proportionate. While I think it's awesome that people know what works for them, ya'll do realize that someone can be active, healthy, and not H/W proportionate too, right? There are people who are naturally very slender and can't gain weight to save their life. And folks who are overweight but extremely active, and unable to lose weight no matter what they do, genetics is a bitch. That doesn't even get me started on how absolute bullshit those body weight to height charts doctors use are either, hell the one time I was the weight my doctor told me I had to be for my height I couldn't sit down without a pillow I was so darn bony. Course then there are people who are body builders who definitely aren't h/w proportionate either. So if you want someone who is a specific body type, try to be a bit more specific than saying height/weight proportionate.

6/28/2016 10:08:55 PM
three mugs of caffeine after not having any for months, might have been a bad idea. But if one must burn off excess energy bouncing on an exercise ball with a suction cupped dildo is a GREAT idea! :D

6/27/2016 10:13:12 PM
Oh, ick! Poison ivy peels!!! This stuff is a menace!

6/27/2016 8:59:36 AM
It's a nice feeling to wake up in the morning and be happy about going to the gym. The gym's replaced my morning cup of coffee. But coffee, I miss you so much! So July I'm hoping to go vegan for the month....this should be interesting. I dont eat much meat anyways, but I do like eggs and honey, only for a month, not even a full month at that....can you tell I'm trying to talk myself into this? I was looking forward to lots of kinky things the first week I go home, but it's looking more and more like that's going to need to take a back seat to family issues. My family will always be a priority over my kink, always. That was a nice email to read. I don't need to fit a label. You're right about that, I enjoy pain, I enjoy throwing whips, and I love giving service. You don't need to be a submissive or slave to enjoy some aspect usually associated with those labels.

6/26/2016 5:13:11 PM
hmm, turkish bath followed by a hot oil massage, yes that would definitely be sensual.

6/25/2016 8:38:58 PM
I don't think the cynical optimist really applies anymore. I'm not sure what does to be honest but the cynicism doesn't sit well with me. I have this vision of who I want to be, someone with hard edges isn't it. I am a nurturer. I am service oriented. I love pleasing people who matter to me. I may not be submissive at the core of my being, but I do have submissive qualities. I like taking care of the people in my life and making their life easier, but only if I know that what I'm offered is appreciated. There is a relief in being able to trust someone enough to give up control, even if only for a short while, to only have them to focus on and be able to ignore the rest of the world.

It's funny, but lately I've been having a lot of long conversations, with ex's, with family and friends. All over a wide variety of subjects, and it's given me a couple of insights that I'm rather proud of recognizing. One, is that forgiveness isn't as far away as I thought it was originally. People have limitations, we all fall short in some way, and some people fall short or fuck up in major ways. The fall out of those fuck ups, can be rather far reaching. It doesn't necessarily make them bad people. There are people in my life I've been angry with for a very long time, but when the anger calmed I can see that it's just not worth it to hold onto that anger any longer. It IS worth it, to make sure there are good boundaries in place though. Just because a person apologizes, doesn't mean they wont repeat the same behaviors again given the chance. That's a really awesome thing in my book to finally be free of that anger. It feels like some of that baggage I carry from the past has gotten a whole lot lighter.

I'm usually down on myself for a  lot of traits about myself that I have been told are failures. I realized that the walls I have up are not a bad thing. Every wall I've erected in my life, in my personality, in my being has a door. I hold the key. If my instincts aren't allowing you past that wall, then I need to listen to my own instincts better, they're rarely wrong. If you're encountering a wall with me, then I don't fully trust you. And quite frankly giving you a label, even giving you permission to control some aspect of myself or my life, doesn't give you carte blanche to my trust. Trust is something that goes both way and needs to be earned over time. It doesn't happen over night. It's like faith doesn't happen overnight. Just because you say you're trustworthy, doesn't mean I should automatically have blind faith in you. I am a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. My ex was so down on me for not trusting him, but the more I examine that whole situation, the more I realized that my gut was screaming at me not to, and it was right. He proved over and over I could not trust him, could not put my faith in him, and ultimately, I will not obey someone I don't trust. That was not a failing, that was a strength.

There is a pattern of thinking that when I'm over tired, over emotional, or over stressed comes to the fore, and it's something I working on changing. I wish it's something that I could just change over night, but it's always when I'm at my most vulnerable that the negative voices start their obnoxious chants in my mind. (No, I'm not schizophrenic, it's my own internal voice) I view it as a positive that I recognize when it's wrong. Recognizing it and ignoring it or rewiring it to say something else takes time though.

I.Am.Not.Broken. lol, fuck yeah, I am so not broken. There are reasons I do what I do, and just because it's not what someone thinks I should be doing, doesn't make me wrong. I need to listen to those red flags more though.

6/25/2016 1:08:53 PM
This is the problem when in a house where there is another woman who views herself as dominant. Who never expects to be called on her shit, because she can dish it out but never received it. Who thinks she has the right to be a bitch and I have the right to be her doormat. Passive aggression pushes a button in me that takes me from calm to complete bitch in under a second. And I don't care who you think you are, I am no ones doormat. If you are female and think you can dominate me, you've got another think coming. Cause bitch I won't back down from you.

6/23/2016 9:50:38 PM
Good lord the whining I do when something is wrong gets on my nerves. But the damn poison ivy was driving me absolutely batty. It's right down the middle of.my cleavage and just under each breast onto my tummy. It's been years since I've dealt with poison ivy. I hadn't even realized that's what I as cleaning out of my garden. Calamine lotion is a God send as far as I'm concerned. What a place to get poison ivy! On the bright side I had been putting astringent on it...my masochist side was happy with that burn lol.

6/20/2016 6:42:29 PM
So I'm reading this meme on another site, girl's wearing this tshirt that says, "I have the pussy, I make the rules", it's countered with, "We have dicks, we fuck the rules"....I might just be over tired but that struck me as hilarious.

6/20/2016 8:46:48 AM
I've tried to remove my profile picture like five times. Half the pictures I have on my profile don't even show up when I try to edit my profile. It's rather annoying when you're trying to update things. I don't think my kneeling is an accurate reflection of who I am anymore, but I can't get the picture off.

6/20/2016 7:20:14 AM
I woke up thinking about giving a blow job and was so turned on masturbating was definitely required. Problem with being single, there's no one to give a blow job to right now. Sadness. In better news, IT'S FRIDAY!!!!! Well it's my friday at any rate. :D

6/18/2016 12:50:42 PM
Finally found a local burlesque show! ~happy dance!~

6/17/2016 8:14:06 AM
It takes balls to tell someone, "You know, I'm just not into you. So I'm not going to pursue this." Or something along those lines. It's an ass who simply goes silent and then blocks you. I mean seriously, don't be a jerk, try being a man for a change.

6/16/2016 8:30:34 AM
So I'm going to put this out there, this is my own personal code you don't have to like it, live by it or agree, but this is important to me. If you are married or are in a committed relationship with one or more people, I am not going to get involved with you, even for lunch or coffee, unless I know those people are ok with it. And no, as trustworthy and honorable as I think you view yourself, I still won't take just your word for it that they are ok with it. If you have a problem with this then the solution is simple, do not bother talking with me. I know, it's crazy right? But yeah it's a total respect thing.

6/9/2016 10:34:13 AM
Met up with a kinky friend from back home today for coffee. I was so psyched when I found out she is going to graduate school here! It was like a piece of home right in front of me! I really should of met up with her sooner. And yes, y'all should be jelly, not only is she a genuinely nice person, she's got gorgeous legs, a beautiful rack, and is going to be a physicist! Beauty, brains and personality! Some women are just blessed.

6/7/2016 11:34:44 AM
There are times I miss the calm of being at a Dom's feet, his hand on my head, neck, or wherever and feeling like all is well in my world. I wish I could forget, it'd make life easier.

5/11/2016 10:18:48 PM
It was an awesome couple of hours, stolen out of our busy lives. I remember his fucking me so hard that felt him inside of me for days, but what really stuck with me was that slow crawl...him holding onto my hair like a leash while I crawled naked at his feet....being forced onto my belly then back, and his booted foot placed over my neck and chest....looking up, up, and up some more to see him looking down at me with that expression...his eyes seemed to spark with the pleasure he took in seeing me under his boot...there was so much trust and arousal in that moment...it's times like that, that stick with me and make me hesitate in my decisions. He wasn't the one for me...but he showed me a part of myself that his dominance and more primal self called forth, and I crave it.

5/9/2016 8:30:59 PM
You'd think it'd be easy, to simply shut away a part of yourself? I've been alone before. It's been a rare thing to have someone who inspires me to serve...but those rare moments are something I greatly miss.

4/22/2016 9:26:21 PM
My coworker came in with Fire cupping bruises all down her back today, I was sooo jealous! It brought back so many happy memories though. I had one fire scene, including fire cupping from a sadist who made it hurt so good I left a puddle on the table by the time he was done. To be honest I think it spoiled me, to have a scene that amazing for my first time doing fire, I didn't want a sub par scene after that wouldn't live up to that standard. It was just so hot, in so many ways.

4/17/2016 8:11:44 PM
Ever come to the realization you're evolving, but you're not quite sure the person you're evolving into? I started this journey totally sure I was submissive. I've served as a submissive, a slave, a masochist, a bottom and a top. Masochist, bottom and top feel like the only titles that still fits. It's possible I could be submissive....to a point- to the right person, but the reality is I don't give up control. I will not be controlled. I serve out of love, loyalty, devotion and caring. I serve from a well of appreciation, mutual respect, considerate, honesty and understanding. I have a much firmer idea of who I am now than I ever dreamed six months ago when I moved West. It seems like I left my possibilities back East. Yet I don't regret moving out here. I've got a job I love and will continue to advance at. Despite the difficulties I have a new family I love. My kinky side, my sexual side, my service side just didn't fit into the realities of the M/s relationship out here. And here's a little fact about me, a side of me I love, nurture, and am proud of cultivating. I am strong enough to walk away from that which nolonger enriches me, encourages me, nurtures and drives me. I will not be locked into toxic situations. I will not let other people be the source of my self esteem, or the means to destroy it. I am usually a nice and nurturing individual, but not always. I am never an unreasoning bitch. There is always a reasoning behind my actions. I will never be a doormat, an object to be controlled. A silenced person in my own life. I look at all that and I see neither slave nor submissive. Maybe in the bedroom there's the potential, but even there I'm realizing I won't be subservient about my needs to met the needs and desires of another. It's an exchange, and if there's no exchange happening then screw it, I don't have time or inclination for it. Life is just too damn short.

4/13/2016 12:33:59 PM
My new bullwhips came in!!! Omg they were so much fun to throw, and so accurate and balanced. I love throwing two at once too. I need more practice on them but they're gorgeous, Vamty from ViciousWhips totally came through. Plus he threw in a small single tail, which is just adorable and will be awesome for whip scenes in small spaces. I need a whip bottom.

4/10/2016 7:41:08 PM
There's a servants retreat in Ohio on December, I'm debating going. A part of me is ready to walk away from this life, be vanilla again. The part of me that still get aroused by pain and comforted by domination, that still gets excited at cracking a whip or suspending someone in saran wrap before sensually torturing them, isn't quite ready to walk away. I went to this retreat three years ago, it was enlightening then, I wonder what I would learn now? There's a massage workshop the BOE is hosting Tuesday, I'm thinking of going out of curiosity. Ive only rarely used massage in my kink life since I graduated. I had a wonderful time auctioning one during a kink event when I was still in school, a Master bought my service for his slave, it was amazing to give a massage with a whip scene on one side, a bondage scene on the other, and a flogging scene rounding out the circle. Despite the distractions we both got lost to the massage....that was an amazing night. I massaged my former Master once...the only satisfaction from doing so was that I did a good job. I massaged a bottom once before beating him, now that turned out to be a fun scene, he was all floaty and sensitized before all those lovely stingy sensations finished him off, god that was fun!

3/31/2016 7:15:39 PM
Fuck that shit, you know something I am worth the effort. I am worthy of quality time. I am worthy of being loved. Yes, it's work to be in a relationship with me, but it's work to be in any healthy relationship, period. I am worth the time to build trust and work with the walls I have up. I put a lot of time, effort and love into my service and it's valuable! If being my Master is only worth something to you when it's easy for you, then you're not a master. Just because you may know my body doesn't make you a master. Being a master is more than just being able to make a girl cum. You've got a lot to learn, and quite frankly, I don't see you having the Motivation to do so because that would require work. So screw it, I'm worth the work. I'm sorry you can't see that, but you don't get to tear me down through neglect anymore just because you don't want to put in the work. Laziness doesn't become anyone, especially those claiming to be masters. Shame on you for your laziness.

2/20/2016 1:45:12 AM
I realize while there's a lot of things about a D/s relationship I love, there's a lot I wonder about and miss. I miss having someone I met with on an equal footing. I wonder what it's like to have someone make love to you and not just fuck you? I miss having someone share my bed at night...I wonder what it's like to be cherished. I want someone who knows me so well that they can tell when I'm having a bad day and vice versa....I know G loves me, but he also brings it home to me all the time that I'm a possession, no more than property that he has a fondness for but not any real attachment...I know some women that works well for...there's a huge part of me that would rather be alone than this lonely.

10/27/2014 11:43:42 PM
Life is so damn short, my friend Biker's death last night reminded me of that fact. Life is too short to hold onto grudges and anyone who is attempting to hold you back. If you lose a job, a position, a friend, lover or a spouse its not worth holding onto the bitterness of anger and grief. Those twist you up in knots and take your joy away. View them as a doorway to the past closing and a new path opening up. You're free! Go and live life to the fullest. Don't be holding in to the people, places or things that would cause you to stagnate. I'll miss you Biker my friend, I will never forget that scene we had or your friendship!

8/15/2014 10:46:16 PM
What an awesome night!!! Although I  must say the whole being auctioned off thing is really NOT my thing. Standing up on stage in front of everyone terrified me. I didn't even notice who won me because my ears were buzzing and I was trying to remember to just keep smiling and breathe...and not fall off my heels! In the end a master bought my service for his slave, so I got to give a pretty lady her first massage :) Although I need to remember not to try and give a massage in a mini dress, the whole lunge things doesn't work well. O.o

8/4/2014 5:33:49 AM
I was speaking with a friend earlier about what I'm looking for in a lifestyle partner and she had some interesting words of wisdom. When she asked if I was looking to serve someone out of gratitude, I responded that I didn't think I was, I want someone I could serve out of inspiration. She replied this way; " In my experience, it is 50% inspired by who they are and 50% inspired by gratitude for what they bring to your life, if it is not a mix, if they do something stupid, or look stupid in your eyes, you lose the inspiration, then what happens? gratitude will carry you through. If it is only gratitude, and they stop for a while...e.g sickness, etc, and can't "deliver", what happens? well the inspiration for the person they are carries one thru."

I am not a typical s-type. I have tried to be one but I'm just not. Being a simple fuck toy would bore me to tears. Being micromanaged would smother me and put my masters life and limb in jeopardy when I'd finally had enough. I am not submissive either. I can act submissive on occasion, but I personally am not a submissive personality.

I really am seeking a place to belong, to feel needed, valued, appreciated and integral to the smooth running of someones life at home and in public. I need expectations, goals, and a bigger picture to be a part of and working towards. I am looking for a partner that I can be a compliment, a support and a comfort to in their every day life. Someone who understands personal growth because they're constantly striving for it in their own life. Someone who doesn't stagnate but understands the importance of change in order to thrive. Someone who challenges themselves and everyone around them to keep doing their best and still try for better. Yet someone who understands balance, and knows when it's necessary to step back and make adjustments in order to be healthy. Someone who understands boundaries and enforcing them.
I'm not looking for a play partner, although play could and hopefully would be part of the dynamic. I am not looking to be micromanaged, I do a fairly decent job of managing my own life and I'm constantly working to do better. Occasionally though, I DO need someone to put limits on me because left to my own devices I will give and work until I drop from exhaustion. I'm not looking for a fuck buddy, although it would be nice if sex were involved but it's not the be all and end all of life for me. And I'm most definitely not sexually submissive, again I can act it, but I'm really not.
I am community involved, it's just one of my things. Whether it's lifestyle or vanilla, I like being involved with organizations I can support, whether monetarily, or by volunteering at events, or in other ways. I'm not an extrovert but I am very social.
I need to figure out how to put this into an easy to read profile...it'll come to me...sleep first though.
Hope everyone had a great weekend!

7/24/2014 6:24:45 AM
It's weird but I actually do LIKE to do laundry. Something about the process of the clothes becoming clean, then being able to get them hot out of the dryer, smelling all good and feeling so warm, then folding, ironing and putting them away...something about that process if very calming to me. The lugging I could do without, one of these days I will have a washer and dryer in my home again....ok, it's the little things in life, what can i say?

7/17/2014 5:41:32 AM
mornings like this I wish I was a D type and had a minion to massage MY feet...back...neck...aw hell I'd take a genie to miraculously transport me to bed. I should no better then to sit down on the couch when I get home, bed is just so far away....feet massage, it's all about the feet. Which is funny, in my massage classes I'm one of the few who focus on the feet during my sessions, but people hold so much stress in their feet and it's a sure fire moan inducer...

I have such happy memories of one particular foot massage. He was made comfy in his recliner while I knelt at his feet. his feet were washed, a pedicure done, and then I massaged his feet and legs before licking absolutely every inch of him from his toes up...slowly...so many fascinating sensitive places were discovered during that session. A good memory. Feet have never bothered me. Unkept feet bother me.

7/16/2014 6:11:22 AM
Every few years my life undergoes drastic changes. They're alternatively terrifying, exciting, exhilarating and so very needed. Quite a few times the aftermath is a huge drop, a struggle to accept the changes and adapt to them. I always do though, and it never fails that it's not long before I start looking at my life again and looking for things to change. I'm always looking at things that aren't working for me and looking at how to change them so that they do. Sometimes the change is small, subtle, a shifting of my perspective. More often then not they're big. Moving, career changes, relationships ending, discovering and respecting a boundary I hadn't been aware of prior, a wide array of things.

This year the changes seem just so much bigger and more drastic. I'm not just changing jobs, I'm exchanging a whole life style. And that's just in my vanilla life. As far as kink and bdsm are concerned, it makes my head spin when I stop to think about how different I am now from where I was when I came into the life style four years ago. I am not just one label. I do not fit easily into any slot. I know so many more boundaries and limits now that I didn't even realize were potentials four years ago, and I'm open to so many more things now then I was then.

Change is just not a comfortable thing. It's scary and sometimes down right terrifying, but what an amazing rush of wonder when you can see how many positive things are happening as a result!
hehe, I know I'm in a sappy, gooey happy mood right now. Despite having a hellish night at work, being so over tired I don't want to sleep (some reason longer I'm up the less I want to sleep) and knowing I have to be up in five hours to do it all over again. This kind of happiness scares me, I keep waiting for that other shoe to drop and it all to be yanked away. And it just might happen, there's a reason I had a phoenix branded on my back, life and dreams frequently go up in flames for me, but something new and wonderful always arises from the ashes, and THAT is what I'm embracing. That is why I smile...that is why I wont throw my alarm clock across the room when it goes off in five hours :P

7/14/2014 3:05:38 AM
So I have this adorable and rather flamboyant male coworker, who is absolutely gorgeous and ripped and a lot of fun. I've been gone for three weeks while I oriented at my new job and when I came back he starts flirting with me (as usual) and then starts hitting on me (OK that's new) then says something that profoundly points out the age gap between us( OK that's as usual too), and when I mention his old that made me feel he asks me my age, upon my answer he comes out with this gem, said in a wail, " But I was going to ask you out !" Sigh

7/13/2014 3:03:40 PM
Bouncey!!!!! He he, I might have had too much sugar and caffeine. Off to battle...err work, yes work, reminder to self patients must remain alive to get paid, its the little details that matter, like breathing ;)

7/12/2014 7:49:38 PM
That was a rather sanctimonious profile. It's alright if you know what you want and are holding out for that ideal, but why be down on people it's so clear you do not want to understand in order to make that point? It makes you seem small minded and rather ignorant. And I hate to point it out to you, but there's a very large percentage of adults that emerge from the younger years having to work very hard to heal and thrive. If you can't appreciate them then you're not worthy of them, because we have qualities that make us a strong partner. Good luck on finding your precious doormat to simper and wave her pompoms.

7/11/2014 9:54:58 PM
Sighs, feeling like a slut doesn't set well with me. Maybe because I'm really not one.I want a connection with someone that's deep and meaningful, someone I can respect, be supportive of and trust to follow. And I really don't want to share another woman's husband, to be just a number far down on a list of prior commitments and priorities. Hell of a time for my conscience to wake up.

7/9/2014 8:10:28 PM
How very unexpected...someone I feel completely comfortable with, that I can talk hours with over coffee and still want to be around. Someone who is poly but clearly gives his wife respect and consideration. Someone who's up front and honest about his intentions. It was just fun.

I'm still not certain poly is for me but it seems like in this lifestyle you're never going to find monogamy. And right now, I'm not in a position to make anyone a primary relationship in my life. This man has the potential to be a life long friend at the very least. He's a bit kinky, calls himself a hedonist, and is I get a very distinct bottom vibe from him. So the potential is there for a play partner too, one that I can let my toppy side out on :D He's not someone I could serve though, or be beaten by...but I've come to the conclusion my kink side isn't going to find everything all in one package. I'm still not 100% sure what i'm looking for, but I wasn't looking for this at this time in my life. He makes me feel safe. Like I could talk about anything and everything with him and he'd never judge me for any of it. And it was so much fun to have a frank conversation about fantasies and desires and things we both want to try but haven't yet, or things we have tried and what worked or didn't work for us with it. That was awesome.

We shall see. Hopeful :)

7/5/2014 3:01:45 PM
~happy sigh~ that was a wonderful party. And just enough of a beating to make me horny as hell and wishing for more. I should have just said to hell with it and taken the bruises and marks, instead he stopped short of marking me, my ass is still kinda bruised but I asked for that one. I'm thinking of having one hell of a play party for my graduation, hopefully with plenty of beatings and cuddles. And it's always a lot of fun to beat this partner in return. I might not be able to submit to a switch, but it's sooo much fun to have one as a play partner :)
So happy to be able to do a pair of boots again too. He always lets me do his boots, and it was so nice to hear I'm the only one he lets do his boots despite other offers. Such an uncomplicated relationship, I do his boots, he lets me and we both enjoy it. Someone asked what I got out of it, for me it's simple, he appreciates the work I do and I appreciate the chance to serve someone who sees the detail and understands it comes from my soul. Win win situation :)

7/3/2014 10:59:20 PM
Homework is 80% done. One take home test left to work through...take home tests are suppose to be easy, except when they're from this specific teacher, man is diabolical. That test can wait. Sleep. I need to go through my boot black kit before heading out tomorrow, yay for boot blacking scenes :D:D I'm going to wait till morning to cut the strawberries for the shortcake. I remember a recipe once where they used lemon juice rather than sugar, now I can't find the recipe, don't suppose any of you know it?

7/3/2014 10:10:04 PM
So in Massage therapy, DOMS stands for delayed onset muscle soreness...yup, I've known Dom's who indeed have that effect, sadists too lol

7/3/2014 5:44:59 PM
People ask if youre poly or monogamous and I always have to pause with that one. If I'm honest with myself the truth is I'm hard wired to monogamy. I can do poly but its not an aim for me. And its a struggle to not feel insecure when new people come into the picture a part of me very much feels like I've staked an invisible "Mine!" Sign on my partners. I don't feel insecure or threatened by primary or already established partners, they usually end up as friends...I don't want to be a secondary partner to my primary partner though. Or a third, fourth, etc. And once I'm having sex with a partner I find myself not wanting the emotional connection with others, just him...and it messes with my head a bit. Poly messes with my head a bit period.

7/2/2014 7:59:59 PM
So two great things about today. I totally fell in love with giving chair massages :D And I rediscovered my love of cock worship and that amazing feeling of taking a soft cock in my mouth, massaging and totally loving on it with my tongue till I feel it harden, and that wonderful feeling of having someone else remind me I'm not really in control when I do it ;) thank the powers that be for friends that don't mind receiving cock worship on occasion. ~happy sigh~ today all in my world feels right. Oh and I got my baby back! Although her AC and window motor promptly died....I wish my father had seen fit to teach me car mechanics :(

7/2/2014 7:47:46 AM
~grins~

7/1/2014 10:19:40 AM
two more days!!!! Then it's a day of socializing and fun, I can't wait! I miss PEOPLE!

6/29/2014 5:49:57 PM
I miss the bite of a whip...the sting of a knife blade...hell I think I'd even welcome the feel of a belt...I am learning to hate the feel of this restlessness from my masochistic side. It makes me feel like an addict jonesing for a fix ~growls~

6/29/2014 1:11:46 PM
Sometimes it's all about the perspective. You can't own another persons reaction, and very rarely is their reaction a personal reflection of you. Everyone is dealing with their own trunk of junk from the past and issues, and sometimes you're just in the line of fire. If you can take what you're hearing/seeing/feeling and move it to a more neutral place in your mind it really does make it easier to deal with in a more balanced manner. Cause god knows, we're all not so important that we can make or break someone with a look, even the all powerful Masters and Mistresses of their own universes ;)

6/28/2014 4:32:38 PM
I always forget how nice it feels to be pampered. I need to make having my hair done and pedicures part of my self care. Its nice to pamper others but being pampered is like recharging my batteries.

6/25/2014 7:41:56 PM
Gave my first hot stone massage tonight, talk about awesomeness! Snagged the teachers book on hydrotherapies too, totally going to work my way through it.~happy dance then sigh~ I miss having people to be all excited with me that I learned something new....and someone proud of me for learning it well.blah. s'ok.

6/25/2014 2:11:51 PM
I need a work out Dom. I need to make room in my schedule to go to a gym and have someone show me how to work out properly. Its become important to my career that my body be fit. Although where I'm suppose to fit that in I havent quite figured out.

6/24/2014 6:58:51 PM
the chaos suits me, as much as the calmness of my new career suits me. I think the two will be a good balance for me. I've always done better when I was working more then one job and my life was flat out busy. I just wish I wasn't so busy that I have no social life. I miss people and fun.

And sometimes people leaving is the only way one does keep a friend. I love my best friend like a sister, despite being threatened with having to be a bridesmaid in her wedding (evil wench!), I am immensely grateful she moved out or our friendship was on it's way to ending in homicide. You can love someone and just not be able to tolerate them in your space. I also forgive you for turning me into a Game of Thrones fan. I'm sorry, I still don't like Star Trek :P

6/23/2014 3:32:06 AM
New jobs are terrifying experiences for me. ugh.

6/21/2014 8:23:12 AM
OK emo moment over. Life is too short to be upset by people who's presence is better out of your life. And dwelling on their absence does a disservice to those who care enough to stick around. That is what I'm going to keep in mind. There's the door, just don't expect it to still be open when you finally pull your head out of your ass. :) Tomorrow is a rare day off, thinking a day by the pool is in order!

6/20/2014 5:44:52 AM
A married mans toy and a single mans convenience till something better comes along is all I've found myself to be in the whole bdsm/kink scene and quite frankly its turning out to be too high of an emotional price for me to pay...I'm so fucking tired of letting people into my heart only to be fucked over and left emotionally bleeding. I care about the people I fuck and play with, if you can't care about me in return then leave me the hell alone.

6/19/2014 11:10:13 PM
Do you remember the first time you felt pain? My first memory of pain was being 3 or 4 years old and reaching up to touch a red hot burner on the stove. I remember how cold it felt before the pain hit. I'm in an odd place right now. There are times when I feel so disconnected from my body. It gets to the point where I feel like I'm watching my physical self as a shadow outside of me. Pain connects me, it always has, I think I was 12 when I first started branding myself. It stopped the disconnect. I was 26 the last time I branded myself...a brand so deep is went into muscle and took four months to heal. It was symbolic...leaving that coping method behind. I was so psyched when I discovered bdsm and branding as a body modification, my favorite sensation as an acceptable medium and being a human canvas to boot. I love my brands. My flames were my last brand...that was almost nine months ago now. I've been branded by two men, one who I had a connection with and one who was just doing a demonstration and needed a bottom. It makes a difference when you have that connection...its like you take a part if that persons energy and it becomes a permanent part of you in that mark. So I want to be able to do brands on others, and I've been asked to do a demo, I thought why not? I have the skills I just need the practice. I got a cauterizing pen and made a design to do on myself...and I so want to do it...but I have this fear of opening up the door I closed eight years ago. Especially now, when its been so long since I've played or been given pain that I've started to disconnect again, to feel like a shadow separate from my body. I'm not sure if I open that door if I'll be able to close it again...and for that I feel so weak.

6/18/2014 9:47:08 PM
Cauterizing pen has arrived, omg so psyched! And I've got my next brand designed. ~happy dance ~

6/17/2014 2:41:30 PM
Hmm debating stealing time from my schedule to go to the society and learn fire play. My wands are all rebuilt. Its been a couple of years since I've done fire play so the class would be worth it.

6/16/2014 10:10:28 PM
My cauterizing pen is in the mail, yay! :) thinking up designs, I want to try it on myself first. I might try a butterfly on my leg, easy placement for me. A butterfly amid flower blossoms :) give me the opportunity to try several techniques at once.

6/15/2014 9:39:53 AM
Thwarted!!!! Blasted fathers day and the events canceled. ~sad sigh~

6/15/2014 7:50:29 AM
Yesss! Enough done to go play! Boston Whip Practice in Dorchester this fine afternoon :) It's been much too long since I've swung a whip.

6/15/2014 3:38:51 AM
Kinky Hiking, today would be PERFECT for kinky hiking. I'm going to be all responsible and shit instead and catch up on everything I haven't had time for at home, but really, kinky hiking.

6/14/2014 10:27:00 AM
A warm cuddle pile....or even just a snuggle buddy, I need a snuggle buddy.

6/12/2014 9:08:02 PM
26 hours school, work jobs one straight to Job #2...came home and crashed and what do you know, six hours later wide awake. Bloody hell body, apparently my body is now trained to six hours of sleep. I'm not at all happy about this. Oh yes and dude, not cool to send a message to a woman saying you want to use her to break into the local scene.

6/11/2014 2:40:58 PM
I have this habit, one of my teachers said it has something to do with me being a traditional learner, when I'm stressed out I tend to freak out, become an anxious or angry mess, then a settle down, make a plan and take charge. It was so odd to read that and humbling to realize I'm not unique lol. So I made a list of people I can call when I'm in freak out mode, I let them know right away I need to vent, once I know they're in an OK place to be vented to I let all the anxiety/ anger out and then ask for their advice on what they'd do. I don't always follow said advice but it helps to hear it, usually by the end of the conversation I'm calmer and ready to move forward with a plan of action. This is his my mind works.

6/11/2014 12:05:22 AM

So I need to rebuild my fire wands and get a fire extinguisher...and I'll order some cauterizing pens at some point on friday now that I have someone willing to let me practice my microbranding skills, Squeee!

I really would love to try a mfm and a mff...just out of curiosity. ~ponders this~

 


6/10/2014 11:15:38 PM

I suppose it's personal growth to accept and let something go in such a relatively short time. Not so long ago I wouldn't let it go, but the more I talked the more I realized, this is not my issue. It's something truly out of my hands. As much as I want to help, or smack you for being so damn stupid and self destructive, it's not my issue.

When I was out of control my family could not help me. They could only be there to help pick up the pieces when I was done. To give me a cushion from the world till I had put myself back together enough to stand on my own feet. There was an addictive quality to being so out of control, I do remember that, I've forgotten so much from that time period but I remember that feeling. Of being wild and tied up in my own little world, the anger at anyone who suggested I was out of control, god the anger and irritation at being thwarted sucked...and all my issues, all that fucked up crap I was carrying around from being stressed to the breaking point...and how cognitively narrowed I was to totally not see anyone around me or how I was affecting them. I look at you and I see all of that....I needed to hit bottom. I needed to finish shattering so that I could start all over again. My phoenix of that life needed to go up in flames, and she did, why do you think I have that scar? It's large, it's ugly, it was so deep it took four months to heal and god help me if I let it get burned, but it's my reminder. No one else could save me. No one else can save you. So let me know when you reach that point where you're ready to help yourself. I know you might never reach that point, but the rate you're going...you're not going to live five more years, and that sucks. But, it's not my issue. I can't help you or make it easier. So I'm stepping back. I'm done.


6/10/2014 7:29:49 PM

lesson learned, one cannot help someone through their mid life crisis.

 


6/4/2014 3:32:50 AM
I'm not a brat. I am however, an imp. There is a difference. I agree, imps aren't for everyone, they require you be one step ahead of their helpfulness. But life is never dull with an imp :)

6/1/2014 11:33:04 PM
talking with you about how turned on you got when I did your boots, especially when I licked them...I never knew you got so turned on by that, but somehow that conversation, and the anticipation of someday doing your boots again, or giving you a massage, having my hands on you, and your permission to lick you if I ever did give you a massage, just totally turned me on... The candle was there, and the evil little metal butterfly clips with the weighted wings that moved with every little vibration, were there...the clips do bite, viciously so, and I can't help but wince when I clip them on my nipples. I always thought that my nipples were the only sensitive thing about my breasts, til I lit the candles and let the hot wax drip slowly onto me. So long without pain the burn of the wax was startling, and it felt like it went straight to my pussy, each small drop bring a sharp burning pain and a throbbing ache between my legs...I wanted to sensuously stretch, to luxuriate in the pain...but it's so different when someone else does it to me and when I'm in control, maddeningly frustrating and so not enough...so I gave up on the candle, took a deep breathe and removed the clips, one at a time, the pain rushing with the blood back into my nipples and making me gasp and moan, while making my pussy throb even more...I didn't want to wait anymore, the vibrator was there and I put it on high...I normally am too sensitive to start off on high but I was so wet, so aroused and so needy and impatient and fuck it felt so very, very good. And after the last orgasm I couldn't help myself, I ran my fingers through my own wetness, bringing them to my mouth and sucking them clean, and imagined that it was my cum on my owners cock, and how wonderful it would taste to have him in my mouth as I sucked him clean, licking and working him till he finally pushed deep into my throat and I'd feel that pulsing release against my tongue and the flow of his taste mixing with mine in my mouth....some day...Mmmm....~sighs~

6/1/2014 5:33:21 AM

I'm going to miss you. I'm not going to miss the conflict and tension, but I will miss you. Just so you know. This is a good decision, a right one, we both can feel it. But I have a fear of being forgotten, it's silly, but it seems to happen a lot. As soon as friends leave I never hear from them again, out of sight, out of mind? But I'm happy for your progress and I know you'll do well. I wish you all the best life has to offer.


5/31/2014 4:23:48 AM

So I'm determined to work on my fitness. I figure I'm going into a career that's physically demanding so I need to be fit. For that aim I woke up early this morning and did an hour of cardio. I forgot how good it feels to get all hot and sweaty like that, I'm actually looking forward to doing it again tomorrow. I figure I'll add in weight training twice a week, not tomorrow though, tomorrow is moving a friend to a third floor apartment, my legs are already wincing about that one.


5/30/2014 3:05:24 AM
The more you push me the more I'll dig my heels in and refuse to budge. I'm stubborn like that, its an Aries trait.

5/29/2014 1:45:06 AM
Cock worship...blow jobs...licking someone from head to toe slowly, finding all those places that make him moan and growl...going over the sensitive places and teasing him till he grabs my hair and forces me down on his cock..looking up into his eyes and feeling him down to my soul.....sighs...one track mind tonight

5/28/2014 7:26:59 PM
Yeah that whole peer pressure thing, doesn't work well on me but good try.

5/27/2014 5:32:26 PM
Random thought: deep throating has only one draw back, the blasted runny nose that inevitably comes with it, ick!

5/26/2014 7:46:51 PM
My soon to be ex roommate and bff looks at me and says with absolute bewilderment, " how is it possible we're friends? You don't have a single nerd cell in your body!" I admit this is true. BI'm not up to date on all movies past and present, physics and math are beyond me and I've never played video games or many computer games. Yet the majority of my friends are most definitely geeks and nerds. I'd say everyone needs a dumb friend except I'm not dumb, I always maintain a 4.0 GPA and I learn things quickly. I just don't bother with things that don't interest me.

5/26/2014 6:21:20 AM
I made the mistake of complaining to the universe about the lack of pain in my life. It answered by hurting my foot. Kind of the ptb, no?

5/24/2014 7:40:20 AM
Some days dawn with such possibility and hope that you can't help but be excited about life :) today is one of those days!

5/22/2014 11:40:54 PM
Why with my current skills, interests and education am I not "taken"? I keep getting asked this question and it internally makes me sigh. Perhaps my undesirable traits outweigh my desirable ones? Perhaps I'm too picky? Perhaps because i put importance on working on myself before someone else gets enmeshed in my life? Perhaps I'm so busy right now I'm just too exhausted to put the effort into more than what I'm already doing? I have no idea....but being asked that is as bad as going to a wedding and people asking why I'm not married...I'm going to start thinking of creative answers for future use.

5/20/2014 3:37:37 PM
Semester is almost done, two finals down, one to go! And oh joy Monday we start all over again. But, 20 weeks are done, 30 to go, almost halfway through, yay!!!:) end is in sight and then maybe I can have a life again.

5/20/2014 12:55:08 AM
So my violent, demented patient finally sleeps and I have too much time on my hands to do nothing but sit in the dark and think...to sit with this feeling of need rippling just under the surface. To feel the primal desire to challenge. It dawns on me that I do that a lot, challenge the men in my life. Its not really fair to them. I look for the one who is strong enough to give me a boundary and still fill that need in me, the need to be dominated, the controlled hurt, the need to serve. I know I'm strong but I look for one stronger and capable of staying ahead of me...but I've yet to find him. Instead I find the over sensitive ones not secure within themselves or their own dominance and skill to be able to accept being challenged, or the ones who want someone gentle and meek and mild...or the ones who turn out to be bent and slightly kinky but not really dominant... or just looking for a little fun on the side before returning to their wives. Its such a primal feeling that courses through me...I sometimes wonder what it'd be like to receive a primal response to match it....

5/19/2014 11:03:16 PM
Every time I think my inner masochist is sleeping something happens and I feel her need claw at my soul...its not at all a comfortable sensation to ignore. ~sigh~

5/19/2014 10:13:37 PM
If you need a drink, a joint, or some other recreational chemical to get through your day then you're not in control of your life, your addiction is, it really is that simple.

5/17/2014 7:48:54 PM

I need....something...


5/16/2014 7:49:21 PM

I would so much rather be sleeping, and I have homework to do, but I promised a friend a carmel apple pie for his birthday present...but it really does smell so good!


5/16/2014 10:03:46 AM
There's this side of me that dearly loves to test boundaries. So say if I'm giving you a blow job and I bite you hard enough on your thigh for you to say "ow", and you tell me that the next one comes with consequences...even tell me what the consequences are...the inner imp in me is going to test that boundary....and if you don't follow through the majority of me is incredibly disappointed. When you don't follow through I'm not disappointed because I wanted the pain, I'm disappointed because I wanted to see if you were serious enough about your boundary to follow through giving the consequence. I'm disappointed because they ended up just being words with no meaning....so why did you bother saying them? Meanwhile that inner imp sighs and says,"see? What'd I tell ya?" And you've just taken me out of subby land and put me right back in the drivers seat. Ugh!

5/14/2014 3:26:57 PM
Happy bounce! Such a Wonderful day!!!! :) hope is a beautiful thing:)

5/13/2014 2:26:14 AM
What is the line between conflict and advocating for yourself? Hmm

5/12/2014 7:40:46 PM
I miss the opportunity to get dressed up in an elegant and classy manner, where my hair, nails and make up are done up nice and we go out to dinner and to the theater or symphony. I really do like that kind of thing, unfortunately most of my friends are the beer, BBQ or beach type and wouldn't know a viola from a violin. I love them dearly but I do miss the plays and symphonies. Random thought of the night. On the flip side, I've passed another semester of anatomy class!!! I wish I could say I remember even half if what I've learned so far.

5/11/2014 1:25:43 PM

I am a traditional learner. I like to learn things methodically, efficiently and with clear communication and directions. Like most traditional learners when I'm stressed I react with fear and anxiety first, then I take control and develop a plan of action. It was interesting to me learning about this in school since this has always been my pattern, I just didn't know other people reacted the same way. I am so PSYCHED about the changes happening in my life right now, but they're stressful, and typical of me I got all anxious and upset before reigning in my emotions and sitting down to create all sorts of logical things, like time schedules and budgets. Sometimes I really do need someone to just tell me to stop and just breathe on occasion. It's really not comfortable always getting stressed out and overly emotional before moving on to creating a plan of action and executing said plan.


5/10/2014 11:07:17 AM
Hi my name is nixa. I'm a submissive with a type A personality and an almost pathological need to be in control. I hate being in control. ~groans~ this group project at school is going to be the death of me yet.

5/10/2014 6:24:07 AM
Sigh...its official, I've done gone and lost my mind.

4/7/2014 3:27:11 AM
So a D type friend of mine explains it this way, a slave type gives a service, they put their heart, soul and energy into that service but in order for them to be re-energized they need their D type to close the circle, to show that their service was of value and the s type is appreciated for all that they are and all that they put into that service. A writing I was reading recently put it a bit differently. It talked of what the d type and s type got out of the service as currency, emotional currency. If either side isn't receiving the type of currency they need then their emotional bank bleeds dry until they're bankrupt and they unable and unwilling to give or receive service anymore. This explanation I related to a bit better since I've always thought of my service as coming from a well within my soul. I draw from it and give away each time I provide a service. When I provide it to a dominant that takes sincere pleasure in receiving my service and who expresses appreciation of the service and recognizes that it comes from a place of love and caring, my well is replenished and I'm capable of continuing to give. When either the service isn't appreciated, is receives xareleasly or without apparent pleasure, when my service is appreciated but seperated from me as a person devaluing me, then my well is depleted until I can find a way to replenish it on my own. Since what I do for a living also is service orientated and emotionally and mentally demanding, and very draining even on a good day, if I'm serving a dominant or organization or event that is taking but providing nothing that I need for the circle to be closed, then eventually I have absolutely nothing left to give. That situation happened last summer and was compounded by the loss of one of my anchors in life, my grandmother. I had no choice where my career was concerned, although I put into motion retraining for a different career. But I had to refuse to serve the Dominant id taken so much pleasure in serving till then. I still miss serving Him, but my self preservation can't accept the "currency" he offered, he wanted my service but not me, and that devaluation of me as a person left me constantly drained. So now I find myself in the situation of serving at large events boot blacking or volunteering in other ways. I like to feel useful, its a way to serve in general since I have no one to serve specifically. But I find the "currency" is not replenishing the reserves I give out each event. I'm tired, drained and feel horrible after each event. I feel devalued and nonhuman. I don't want to stop serving but I'm not sure how to get what I need in order to keep giving...this is my conundrum.

4/4/2014 7:27:25 PM

My roommate calls me a cynical optimist. I like to believe the best of people. I like to see people happy. I love that feeling that hugs my soul when I know I've comforted, pleased, made another happy. I love being in the background and seeing my efforts merge and meld with others for a successful final outcome. Giving is a part of who I am, but sometimes I wish I was just a bit more selfish, a bit more of a taker. How much can one person give before there's just nothing left? And all these people that I believe the best of, that I allow into my life,my body, into my heart, let brush my soul, where are they when I need them?

Tomorrow I boot black another event. Each pair of boots I clean and shine will carry a bit of my soul, and when I leave I already know the emptiness that will be left behind till I can recharge, because I already know there's no one else that will be present there that will care to renew any of that, to be an anchor I can focus on admist all the energy being expanded.

It's Funny, the branding piece on my back has my flames to represent trial, my phoenix for strength, hope and renewal, between her wings will be the symbol for forgiveness. That is my power, to be able to forgive and move on. But the way I had the flames done, there is suppose to be an anchor that hangs from them...some day I hope to find one to be that anchor for me...but I know better, a person can never be an anchor, their own proclivities and failures will always draw them away. I should be able to be my own anchor...so tomorrow I'll take a deep breath, pack up my kit, make the long drive home late and alone...and when the tears stop, I can rebuild myself. That's how it always is...always.


4/4/2014 3:37:28 AM
I was having a conversation with an s-type friend of mine about the effectiveness of rewards and punishments. She made an interesting observation about herself that I realized was true for myself too, we come from very similar backgrounds. Rewards, having to earn or loose something and punishments will not get the desired behavioral modifications the d types might be looking to make in us. For me its for several reasons. Words mean nothing to me, saying I'll earn something like a scene, or be rewarded, they're just words. I've been disappointed so many times in my life I no longer believe 90% of what people say they will or won't do. And I'm a masochist, if I work up the courage to ask for a scene its because I'm wound so tightly I'm about to break and that scene is my stress relief. If I then have to earn the scene or loose the scene then all you're doing is frustrating and ultimately alienating me. And then there punishment, now I'm not saying I don't believe in paying the consequences for my actions. If you've laid clear and consistent expectations and boundaries and I've made the choice to break those boundaries, well there's a good reason, I don't make willful disobedience a way of life. Find the reason, then if its decided there should still be a consequence then so be it. However, that punishment won't be corporal. I use pain to cope, the moment you use that against me is the moment I put up a wall and we start to walk down the road to our relationship ending. Its just how I'm wired. Show me. Lead me. Guide me. Talk means little and promises are trust earned.

4/2/2014 8:34:39 PM
So I'm curious, please do share what makes you a Master? Not just a Dominant but a Master?

3/30/2014 1:51:29 PM

and when left alone unsupervised I blow up ballons, slather them with shaving cream and practice shaving them with a safety razor lol. But yay! I didn't pop any of them, so now to move on to a human :)


3/29/2014 10:41:50 AM
I love how so much of my schooling overlaps for my bdsm interests. Massage therapy just covers so much that I can use on others buy its also teaching me ground and centering techniques and self care exercises that can make me a better bottom and s type. I mean come on, I get to learn a tea serving style to present in class as a grounding exercise for ritual and aromatherapy, that's just awesome :)

3/28/2014 8:24:51 PM

I missed a boot blacking opportunity, and initially I was upset, why did I choose to stay home rather then go out tonight? I'm so blasted BORED! But the answer hasn't changed just because I learned what I missed by staying home. Sometimes what we NEED isn't necessarily what we want, I needed to be home and at least attempting to relax. I've been nonstop for months now. That said, I can't do nothing for days on end without climbing walls and losing my mind. Tomorrow is school and a client, but I need to find SOMETHING to do on sunday.....just....what...hmm


3/27/2014 10:52:02 PM

~amused at myself~ of course. I finally get some time off, have all these great plans and ALL of them fall through. Happy birthday to me, eh? Maybe this is the universe telling me to just relax. Although i'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I can't spring clean till Monday. All my studying is done. I'm seriously thinking of calling work and seeing if I can pick up some extra time...I think I've forgotten how to relax.


3/25/2014 12:22:56 AM
Sometimes I wonder why I learn skills a master might find pride in when it doesn't seem like I'll get a chance to use them.

3/22/2014 6:05:34 AM
So last night was an inverted gravity boot suspension, omg it was so AWESOME!!!!! And I was so pissed at myself for wearing my sexy heeled boots rather than my practical work boots, the angle of my foot shifted once I was inverted and it felt like my fourth metatarsal was about to break so they had to take me down. Next time I'll know better! But omg fun times :)

3/19/2014 9:14:52 PM
So I was thinking that while I'm not currently looking for a master I still want to keep learning and growing my submissive side. Its crossed my mind whether I could find someone with experience to act in a training capacity for a set duration of time, to meet with me say once a month in person and keep in touch via phone or online on a more daily basis for training my service and submissive skills. I have to give it more thought as to what that could entail but I think I'll bounce the idea off a few of my bdsm friends and acquaintances and get some more input. I know my kinky only friends would think its stupid but it'd be nice to gain practical experience with my service skills and learn more high protocol orientated manners of address and interaction.

3/16/2014 1:06:00 PM

I love it when a munch goes so well! The location was perfect, the staff was friendly, and we had a much bigger turn out then we expected when we first started planning. It was so laid back and friend :) And now I'm socialized out lol, although I believe I'm being strung up in an inverted suspension for a demo on friday, which I'm totally psyched about, I've been suspended before but never inverted, it'll be worth the sleep deprivation to go :)


3/9/2014 2:42:32 PM

So I'm very curious about posture collars, I'm not sure what the draw is except that they're so elegant on the right neck. So I went and bought myself a semi posture collar and wore it for a little bit at the flea. It definitely makes a difference when it's put on you, for whatever reason, by someone else. Putting it on myself felt odd. And then having people give me that "look", like I'd crossed some line for getting my own collar, well that wasn't appreciated either. But I did love wearing it, and it looked so cool :) I didn't realize how much I looked about or looked down, until the motion was limited...very different.


3/8/2014 2:49:40 PM
Ok, so maybe there are some things about dating a vanilla person that is a bit boring...I miss having someone who can grab me by the hair and put me on the floor and the excitement of the power exchange. I'm afraid this guy just doesn't have that it in him...he's nice. I like nice...but, hmmm...I don't think vanilla is going to work all that well for me. Not that finding a compatible kinky person has worked all that well for me either. And to be honest, my schedule is so damn tight that trying to fit anyone into it takes an act of congress. blah. Ten more months! In the meantime the fetish flea is just AWESOME! I took a class on pressure points today, got to put a buff guy who so graciously volunteered to let me, on his knees, multiple times and with so little effort, three cheers for pressure points!!! Unfortunately, I was wearing a tightly laced corset and six inch heels, so I couldn't reciprocate. Tonight I'm demo bottoming for a cutting class, I'm so psyched to have a new scarification and I just know my teacher is going to be pissed that I can't have pec massage done on me, but s'ok, i'm still excited! :)

3/5/2014 1:26:30 PM

So I really enjoy service topping, and saran wrap suspension is my thing, I can't tell you how much I love doing it, from the planning, to the negotiating, to the executing and seeing how it goes. Bondage is probably one of the few toppy things I do for me, and rarely allow done TO me.

 

Heavy pain scenes are hard for me. I'm a masochist, not a sadist. So when you came to me with that overwhelming need to be beaten and to be beaten hard, I gave in...but even now, days later, it doesn't sit well that I hurt you that much. It doesn't matter that you needed it, asked for it, and that it totally filled that need you were having. The mental switch is missing...I'd just spent over an hour with my hands on your body, massaging away all the aches and pains and pouring all the healing energy I could into you....and then you begged to be beaten in a manner I just couldn't refuse. I now know I should have said no, but I'd massaged you and then beaten you before, the massage makes you more sensitive, it was awesome, light hearted and fun those prior times. This time wasn't light hearted...and it didn't feel like fun. I just can't shake the unsettled feeling from it.


3/2/2014 1:42:26 PM

A weekend of good friends, and a ton of sugar, alcohol and cuddles! I spent most of it sleeping....it was not a voluntary sleep either. I remember now why I don't drink tequila that often, and after being on a low carb, sugar free diet, I think I spent most of the night in a sugar coma, curled up on someones lap. Getting up early to cook for everyone was my apology. I miss having people to cook for, it was a nice change of pace.


2/25/2014 1:27:24 AM

That was a pleasant and light hearted diversion...and something different.

 


2/21/2014 7:59:36 PM

I miss the feel of a single tail. I think at this point I'd even welcome a paddling. a month down, 11 to go.


2/16/2014 9:42:21 PM

Financial slavery? Really? Dude it'll be a cold day in hell before I work my ass off getting my business off the ground to hand it over to you while you sit at home doing what exactly? I mean really?


2/3/2014 10:23:37 AM

This weekend was BUSY! I attended a fund raiser event at the local dungeon, which was awesome! Got to boot black for a few hours, god I love making a pair of boots all clean and shiny again. Even better when the tips went to a dear friend battling cancer. One of these days someone is going to come to me all in leather, head to toe, and let me clean and grease all of it ~toes curl at the thought~ I notice the older I get the more tactile I become ;)

 

I also got to do my second saran wrap suspension!!!! ~excited happy dance~ I LOVE saran wrap! and seeing someone fly was just awesome, especially knowing I put them there! The only issue was height, really I'm not as tall as I think I am, and the person who made the rope room there seemed to think everyone would be 6'+, as it was I had to stand on tip toes on the top of the four stair step stool to reach the beams I needed to wrap the plastic around, I was making my spotter so nervous he finally took over, since he actually is 6'+ lol. Saran wrap really is a useful thing, and much stronger then a lot of people think. I already have other designs in mind that I want to try, esp. now that I have a list of people who wouldn't mind bottoming for those kind of suspensions. I wish I had more time to practice my topping skills, I still have a perfectly good fire play kit that I've yet to use simply for lack of time.

 

I think a part of me must be an emotional masochist though. I seem to always be choosing tops and bottoms that dislike aftercare. I find it doesn't matter if I'm topping or bottoming, the drop when the connection is abruptly severed just sucks. Within an hour or two my energy is gone and I'm on the verge of tears. This weekend add into it having a friend decide to go all distant on me because I pissed him off somehow, made for a very long and tearful drive home. I really despise crying and don't normally do it. Day or two later and I'm fine though. Maybe that sudden depletion of happy chemicals has it's place in resetting my equilibrium....meh. still hate crying.

 

 


1/25/2014 11:20:10 PM

Anticipatory Service.
Protocols and Rituals.
Mutual Respect.
Guidance and boundaries.
Personal growth.
Personal Responsibility.
Family orientated with group direction.
Vision.
The dance of the power exchange.
Mutual pride.
Constant and consistent Communication.
Trustworthy enough to foster faith.

You ask what it is that I want? The words above are the backbone of what it is that I want. I am building my lifestyle around the things that are important to me. Building my life on a foundation on strength, growth, and self reliance. I do not NEED someone to manage me or my life. What I give is out of something deeper that goes to my very core, and the satisfaction I find when what I give is acknowledged, accepted and appreciated drives me to continue learning, exploring, and growing. What I want is my equal, someone just as driven by their core inner principles and vision. Someone who has taken a good hard look at themselves, their lives, their baggage, acknowledged the issues, and actively works on owning and resolving what needs to be taken care of without excuses.

BDSM to me is fun, it's kinky, it's an amusing pass time. It's not my lifestyle, it's my hobby. I've realized over the last year that M/s and D/s, the power exchanges, the leather families with their values, direction and goals. The more structured and directed relationships, those are what I want in my life style. I know I still have much to learn, and I keep watching, researching, asking questions and learning because I'm incapable of stagnation. Your title means nothing to me. Your actions mean EVERYTHING.

What is it I want? Perhaps a unicorn, but I've met a few unicorns in the last few years, I know they're out there. It would just be nice if an available one was just a little bit closer to home.

 


1/24/2014 9:50:41 PM

~happy sigh~ God I love having my throat fucked. Only time a sore throat gives me a happy smile.

 

I have to admit, being the one to you head to toe, finding all those little sensitive places on you that cause a reaction, it's a heady sensation. Having your cock or balls in my mouth, sucking, licking and just totally enjoying them, there's such a sense of power. And I love that, but I love it even more when your fist your hands in my hair and grab hold of my throat or face and take control away.  The first part just makes me want to fuck you silly...the second part just makes me want to curl up next to your feet and purr, after I've felt you cumming deep in my throat, the feel of that vein pulsing along my tongue and your cum hitting the back of my throat and mouth so I can taste just a little bit of you...it's such a unique sensation, and the total experience, is so much better then other types of sex, least in my mind. I might be strange like that though.


12/31/2013 6:31:29 AM

If you're willing to lie about a small thing, like your age, then I'm going to assume you're willing to lie about big things too. BDSM, especially with D/s involved is supposedly based on trust, I have no patience or time for liars.


12/30/2013 6:02:36 AM

I don't get it, why would you think it's alright to write something like that to a stranger, especially one you claim to be interested in and that correspondence is your first impression?


12/27/2013 6:41:57 PM

New years eve party to attend? Check

Hot Dress to wear to party? Check

Kick Ass knee high 6" boots? Check

Mask for the masquerade? Check

Desire to be around people: Seriously missing.

The problem with being an introvert, after a week of nonstop people and liberal socializing I really would much rather stay home with a good movie and a bottle of champagne to welcome in the new year. And the party is at a dungeon, i'm really rather tired of attending dungeons by myself, or with friends and not with a dominant that I'm serving who can help give me focus. I want to see my friends...but maybe not on new years eve.


12/24/2013 8:31:49 AM

I may have a slight oral fixation, just some people I really enjoy licking, sucking, nibbling and lightly biting them. It's not just how they taste to me, it's finding all those small sensitive areas that get over looked and hearing the sounds of pleasure when I do. It's just yummy.


12/23/2013 10:32:12 AM

So the pictures on my profile, I've been asked several times if they're henna designs, just to be clear they're not henna, they're brands, designs burned into my skin with a cauterizing pen. They were put there by a trusted friend. They represent many things to me, strength, hope, dreams, trials, and healing. Some people get tattoos, I prefer my brands. I'm told the sensation is very similar. One of these days I'll get a tattoo just to test that theory.


12/23/2013 1:09:11 AM

Dinner last night before the show was an interesting and slightly awkward occasion. There as one person who made a big point of telling us we should comment on our "real life" stuff right away so that the rest of the night could be focused on the fantasy of kink. Um...ok, well considering my kink life and my vanilla life are frequently entwined, the only ones I feel the need to separate it with is my parents and my employer, I wasn't sure what to tell her. Most of my friends are kinky or kink friendly. The people we were dining with were a prime example. I don't live in a fantasy world. At the end of the day I work hard, pay my bills, meet my obligations and occasionally share moments with people I trust who allow me to quiet my mind and relax in an environment that's mutually beneficial, sometimes those activities are very tame and vanilla, sometimes not, but it's all real to me. I was never good at role playing. I don't understand someone who is all about compartmentalizing their life into blocks of interactive fantasy.


12/21/2013 10:35:50 AM

This evening is kinky friends and the ballet. It's nice to get a chance to dress up and go out.  And I must say, I really do clean up nice for a tomboy ;)


12/15/2013 9:42:08 PM

It appears sometimes the cuddles and the support are more important to this masocist then any beating. :)


12/10/2013 7:29:38 AM

It frustrates me never having seen anyone else boot black. I know there's probably a lot I'm doing incorrectly simply because I haven't come across how to do it correctly yet in what I've been teaching myself.

 Like the riding boots, I didn't know that you really shouldn't put a high shine on them, you can but you shouldn't because it's not the best for them. I didn't know that till I read someone elses comment on it in a boot black forum. Their reasoning made perfect sense and I feel like I cheated the person out of what was best for their boots out of ignorance. Not that I had any of the cream polish to put on it, so I worked with what I did have, but really grease might have been a better option, just clean, grease and buff them.

I really don't like being self taught on something that's going to be effecting someone elses leather. It makes me nervous. Combat boots I've got down pat, really those I'm fairly comfortable with, but everything else.....ugh. And I'd really appreciate being able to watch other peoples techniques, sometimes I think there's got to be a better way to do something, and I try to think of how that might be and try different things, but again the gap in my knowledge limits what I come up with and that's just frustrating as hell.


12/5/2013 6:13:32 AM

LOL, today life is good :) Sometimes you pay your dues and achieve what you're working for and it feels so good to get it :) Now, if only I could get my body to do what I want it to, I should go back to the gym. I really wish I could afford belly dancing lessons again, that was fun and interesting, gyms are just so damn boring.


12/3/2013 9:28:08 PM

Apparently I'm a service masochist, there's absolutely no other reason why I'd be spending my one night off polishing silver. And after hours of this my question to you is, who the fuck invented forks and why couldn't they have left well enough alone?

 

 


11/24/2013 3:18:43 PM

I got to boot black an event this weekend for the first time!!!! Omg what an amazing experience!


11/22/2013 4:57:55 PM

I really want to try shining someone's boots while they're still wearing them. I'm curious about that experience. Almost as much as I'm curious about caring for someones leathers while they're still wearing them, erotic boot blacking just seems like it'd be an intense and fun experience with the right person.


11/19/2013 4:39:43 PM

I've discovered canes, I think I'm in love! lol, or at least my ass is in love with them ~happy wiggles!~


11/4/2013 3:04:30 PM
I miss hearing "good girl", or having someone to call Sir, and isn't that the damnest thing since I have two men in my life who would gladly let me call them Sir, but I just can't bring myself to do it. They aren't mine. Sir is more then just an address of a respect to me, its an indication of belonging. I adore my sadist but our relationship does not include a D/s component, I do not serve Him or his house, we are play partners, friends and chosen family. I do miss the service aspect. Informal service is just not the same. Course none of this matters, come the return of school I simply won't have the time, not for at least a year. In the end it'll be worth it. I wonder if its possible to change back to vanilla?

11/1/2013 8:16:16 AM
Three strikes, we're out and I am so done with meeting people off the internet. Things just do not go well for me when I make the mistake of meeting people I've talked to online. Since the definition of insanity if doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results I'm going to choose to do what I know works. If we meet at a public event or through mutual acquitanences then I'll be open to exploring, otherwise thanks but no thanks.

10/29/2013 7:45:29 PM

I got in!!! happy dance! oh fuck, there goes my life. If I'm not working I'll be at school or doing home work. And there goes my kink life since I can't have marks on me. My masochist needs to sleep for a year, but that doesn't start till January, now if I can just get free for some fun in the next two months.


10/24/2013 7:24:05 PM
Feeling like a total failure as a masochist. Hell I love whips as warm up, how was I to know you go and rub fur all over me, sensitize my skin to the point the lightest breath on it is arousing and I can't handle the snap of a dragons tail or the crack of a whip. One snap of a dragons tail on my shoulder blade and I thought I was going to throw up from the pain. Grrrr, fail.

10/22/2013 1:22:44 PM

Mono is easy, you're certain of your place with the other person in your life. When you start adding people in, it's amazing how much your heart can expand, affection form and expand to include, in theory an infinite number of people. When you add BDSM into the mix and things become even more complicated. Different people satisfy different needs. Intellectually one knows there isn't a competition, but the insecure side of me only sees what they can give that I can't, and waits for the other shoe to drop again, to be put aside for someone else. I dislike that insecure part of me, it's neurotic and annoying.


10/20/2013 7:50:21 PM

What an amazing experience, and so unlike Me but I wanted to try something outside of my comfort zone. Putting on a skimpy nightie and having someone paint me all over with edible body paint was fun, later anyone at the party who wanted to lick it off was allowed to, male or female. I knew everyone there, but some not as well, it was exciting, arousing and just lots of fun!

 

I also got my fire play kit ~happy dance~ I can't wait to be able to use it. And I'll be learning another new skill as well, doing straight razor shaving :)

 

I got to feel a rolled dragons tail too, that was...interesting.

 

Entering the house this weekend, He placed a single cuff around my right ankle. The cuff wasn't to restrain, it was to help me enter a different mind space. I don't focus all that well, I never have, my brain just doesn't calm, He has a theory about the cuff helping. I'm not sure if that's what helped this weekend, but I guess I'll find out on wednesday. I'm still a bit untrusting of this, have I really found my sadist? His wife calls me His masochist, hell I call me his masochist...There's no D/s to our relationship, and I miss that component, but it's just not a part of our connection. There's a part of me that very much misses that person whose feet I can sit at and it quiets my brain..but I tried that, and I had to earn those scenes that my masochistic side needs in order to be at peace, and it seemed like I lost them as easily as I earned them, and in the end all I did was become a stressed out and neurotic mess. Maybe my mind will never be quiet again, but at least that restlessness in my soul will have a chance to be at peace for awhile.

 

I miss the service side, I keep learning skills that I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to use for One. Topping fills a need in me. Bottoming to a Sadist fills a need. Really what I do for a living should fill my service side, but it's different and it doesn't, oh well.

 


10/16/2013 11:24:46 PM

I have the schedule from hell. As much as I'd love to be able to be in a relationship, right now I'm lucky to know if I'm coming or going, much less have time to see to someone elses needs. I work a rotating off schedule that's totally unpredictable. I'm working on this, however, going back to school means I'll not only still be working a rotating off schedule I'll also be committed to class and clinicals and all sorts of busy-ness for the next year, THEN I can look towards becoming more normal...omg to work days again sounds wonderful. Course I also just realized for that year I wont be able to play in a manner that leaves me with marks...ugh. Maybe it'll be time to perfect my toppy skills? The end will justify the means though..hopefully.


10/15/2013 4:37:18 PM

Learning to give a hot stone massage is the next skill set I'm going to be working on. I'm really excited about this one. And it still amazes me that people like my massages and are willing to let me experiment on them :)


10/14/2013 5:16:20 PM

sometimes it would be nice to have a fwb, it's unfortunate that such a person doesn't seem to come without complications, or honesty. But a vibrator, while useful, just isn't the same as having someone who can throw you down, fist your hair, or put a hand around your throat and fuck you till you can't breathe and are seeing stars...I never thought I'd be the type of person to say such a thing, but really I like fun sex, even if he can't make me cum it's still a lot of fun making him cum and just going with it.

 

Least I can get beaten next week. One out of two stress relievers is good, no?


10/13/2013 1:10:40 PM

and I have my own fire kit! ~happy dance~ I just need to repair or get a new baton. :)


10/10/2013 12:49:15 PM

Fire cutting, this is something I've never seen done. My curiosity is peaked :)


10/6/2013 12:32:02 PM

My phoenix now has flames, the trials of life that forged her, consumed her, destroyed her and rebirthed her. I love this new brand and by the time my back is done it'll be the story of my life and the important reminds of who I am. I don't have to wonder how I'll react under pressure or trial, I already know. I don't have to wonder if I'll survive because I know how. I have hope even as I recognize that my current dreams, hopes, plans and life may go up in flames still, but the hope is knowing something new will arise from the ashes.


9/30/2013 10:02:53 AM

Communication clears up so much, who knew? I should do this talking thing more often.


9/28/2013 1:52:51 PM

my massage table came in! ~happy dance!~


9/28/2013 11:13:36 AM

~smiles~ I still don't trust you when you say I belong, and my walls are very much intact, but you made me feel like I had a special place in your home, your life and your heart. I am blown away by the acceptance you both extended to me and the protection you offer. I can fight my own battles but it is so nice to know for the first time in my life my back is protected and someone truly cares. To know I have a safe place to go to when I need to get away. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I'm humbled by this feeling.


9/23/2013 2:08:18 PM

I have to admit I don't get the whole age play and diaper fetish. Maybe it's from working in a nursing home with people trying so hard to hold onto what dignity they can in life as their bodies fall apart and their minds fail them. I remember holding one 98 year old lady, who'd lived independently until that year, as she broke down in tears and sobbed because she could no longer control her bowel and bladder functions and had to finally start wearing a diaper. That is one of those experiences that flash through my mind every time I see a grown adult voluntarily wear and use a diaper when they don't physically need to...I remember the sound of her sobs and how her pain felt. Your kink isn't my kink and that's alright, but that doesn't mean I understand it...or even want to try.


9/22/2013 7:37:13 AM
Such an incredibly relaxing weekend. Something about the woods just lends itself to sleep. Add in a good beating and all is balanced in my world again. I do love my friends!

9/17/2013 11:28:45 AM

Cleaned and conditioned my first leather motor cycle jacket. The jacket is ten years old and never had anything done to it, even after my friend was in a crash wearing it. I like how it came out, hopefully my friend does too. I think I like doing leather boots better though...I miss doing boots.

 

Never knew this skill would come in handy in other areas to, which is kind of amusing. I had a patient at work who was experiencing some horrible after surgery psychosis, combative to the point we had to put him in restraints, turned out he's part of a motorcycle gang so I got him talking about what he uses to take care of his leathers. I'm one of only two people he lets take care of him. I like to think it's because I found a common ground with him. He had some good tips though, which I totally appreciated hearing.


9/15/2013 10:16:13 AM
The more I learn, the less I know, the more compelled I am to keep learning and the less I feel I belong.

9/9/2013 12:51:56 AM

Here's a basic thing about me, I do not serve without expectation of getting something back. I believe it's unrealistic to think that anyone can do NSA service because most, if not all s-type people require at the very least an expression of appreciation and approval for a job well done. So if I spent hours of my time cleaning, polishing and shining your boots and you took them back without really looking at them and without comment, or I had to prompt you for some kind of feed back, then the message I get back is that you either 1) didn't like the end result and i've failed, or 2) you don't care. Eventually I will stop asking to serve you in that capacity, because either way I am receiving nothing back to continue to motivate me to want to continue.

 

This doesn't seem like a hard concept to grasp, nor does it seem unreasonable to me. But it's recently come to my attention that there are some D-types out there that honestly think it's all about them. That they can and in fact are entitled, to receive without having to do any work what so ever on their part. They seem to be of the mind set that the s-types should give like robots, requiring nothing more then knowing they did as was expected, for satisfaction of their D-types. Talk about being lazy and self centered with your head up your ass and full of it.

 

If I am taking the time expanding my energy and resources to learn a skill, and then serving you with that skill, I need to, at the very least know you appreciate my efforts, especially since my service comes from a place of affection and appreciation, those are what drive it and that is a huge part of the fuel that powers it. Serving without at the very least getting that back leaves me empty and eventually unable to give, and is totally a hard limit.


9/7/2013 5:14:16 PM
Intense only begins to describe this servants retreat...a lot to process.

8/31/2013 11:54:40 PM

Best feeling in the world, standing barefoot, feeling the wood of the cross against my bare back, the cool air against my bare chest and feeling the bite and sting of a single tail working over my chest, till all the welts merge into a pleasant burning sensation, a warmth that energizes and soothes, all the while being able to watch the concentration and sadistic glee on my Top's face, and having absolute trust and faith in his skill.


8/26/2013 9:21:10 PM

Attending a breast and butt massage workshop tonight and had SO much fun. Who knew the back of the legs and butt could be such an erogenous zone?

 

I love being touched, i'm picky as hell about who touches me but there's something about being touched that totally tunes me in to the present and connects me. My brain never shuts up, I'm easily distracted, and have a tendency to be thinking other things during sex, which is probably why I never cum with my partners. It's not that they're boring me, they're just not capturing my mind. I don't think it's really bothered any of them, they always get off, I do make sure of that...but I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with someone who'd be willing to work as hard as I do to get to know my partners hot buttons, what turns me on, keeps me present, gets me off for a change...pipe dreams.

 

In the mean time, I need to get some of my friends to let me kidnap their boots. I really am serious about wanting to get deeper into boot blacking. I want to know everything, how to care for the different types of leather and how to repair damaged leather.

 

I really do love service. I'm not much of a submissive though. I'm stubborn and strong willed. I've worked hard for my independence and it's important to me to be able to take care of myself. There's got to be a balance in there somewhere though, I'm just not sure where.

 

Randomness tonight.


8/23/2013 2:45:08 PM
Omfg....OW...turns out its not the initial branding that's painful, nope, its the healing process and constant friction of wearing a bra that hurts like hell. And its perverse how wet that makes me, some times I wonder at my sanity. In mean time...owowowow

8/21/2013 10:22:20 PM

I love the sensation of being branded. Single strikes are the most intense to me, that initial microsecond of excrutiating pain followed by the flood of endorphins is just in your face intense and wow. Microbrands like cell popping are different, the endorphin rush isn't quite so intense or instantaneous, it's more like floating rather then flying high.


Tonight I added to my branding experience by having a mandala and kitty foot prints cell popped onto my breast...there is only one word that properly describes that experience...WOW....just wow.


8/14/2013 1:53:24 PM

There is a calm that comes with kneeling at One's side and awaiting their instructions, anticipating their needs and serving them. A satisfaction of seeing them content and well tended. And a joy of knowing you did well for them without a word ever needing to be spoken. I wish I had someone to serve that I could learn them so well, that words would be an after thought.

 


8/5/2013 1:33:31 PM

I'm emotionally exhausted. Just so much thrown at me all once. I don't think I really got to drop properly from last weeks high either. I don't like emotional roller coasters, and that's what the last two weeks has been. I like simple, is there anything wrong with simple?


7/30/2013 3:33:19 AM

So I am poly, but I believe in ethical poly, meaning if you're married or otherwise in an existing relationship and you want to get involved with me, you better damn well clear it with your primary relationship first and then expect me to talk to her too. That is the way I roll with poly. If you're married, or otherwise involved with someone else and you hide her from me, and me from her, that's called cheating and I have zero tolerance and zero respect for men who do that, or women too for that matter.


7/29/2013 4:28:18 AM

How do you know you had a fun weekend? When movement monday morning is acutely painful and being parted from your bed takes an act of congress ~groans~ I am sun burnt, my butt is bruised from the flogger, and I think that's a hand print showing up there. My back is covered in whip marks. And I finally got a chance to safely subspace. I love my life :) Now, hopefully the whip marks across my face go away quickly, I really should have stopped while I was ahead throwing the bull whips, but I so rarely get a chance to throw them, and throwing two 12' bull whips at once was just too good an opportunity to pass up!


7/6/2013 5:46:58 PM

Sometimes I read a writing that just totally clicks with me. Reading Mollena's writing about that low voice, that commands and compels her, when a Dominant releases the power of that voice on her, I want that...to find someone who clicks that in me. To find someone to serve with my very being, who'll appreciate what I bring and who I am. To find someone with their voice alone can compel me, not by right of power but by that indefinable something that some Dominants have, that compels me and pushes me before my brain and own will take over. Somehow, I just don't think he exists. Or at least, doesn't exist anywhere close to me.

 

I am not purposely difficult, I simply cannot submit to someone who's dominance is less then my own. It's like feeling water roll over me and right off my back, it doesn't stick, it doesn't compel, I shake mentally and it's gone. Every now and then I've found a few that the connection is there, but life has made it so it can't be completed. It is what it is, I've learned to be very accepting of that, just as I've accepted you can't push this kind of connection. When someone tries to push me, I might as well just write "mule" on my forehead, you will not succeed, I do not respond well to being pushed. But to be compelled, with a low command the resonates within my soul, a look that draws me, a touch that lures me...~sigh~

 

And the switch in me smiles, when I find people who respond in such a way to me. When a softly spoken command gets their attention, when I have their complete focus, when they jump to do my bidding, not because I've pushed or forced them, but because their desire to please me is there, compelling them. I find these ones push every protective button I have, with a slight sadistic twist, their pleasure makes me smile, makes me feel powerful, makes me want to cherish them.


7/5/2013 9:49:22 PM

I love my brands. Every one of them, from the cell poppings up to the single strikes, there is something absolutely amazing about the sensation of that incredibly amount of heat, sizzling my skin for a microsecond.  For that one, very brief second the pain is so incredible, and so exquisite, it's beyond endurance and then the brain kicks in with all those floaty endorphins flooding your system and you're just gone....it's simply, amazing. And such a turn on.

 

If you take that and you share the experience with a top you have a connection to, it takes something, well for me at least, that would be enjoyable anyways and makes it special. Each of the tops that have branded me have not only honored me by making me a canvas for their beautiful designs, but they've left an imprint on me as a person that will last long after the brands fade.


7/4/2013 1:31:22 AM
I have a love hate relationship with nursing, just about the time I'm ready to say, to hell with it, a patient comes along that reminds me why I love what I do, and I'm willing to hang in there. Its similar with bdsm. So many times I've become discouraged, disillusioned, and some times just plain disgusted with bdsm, kink and the whole scene in general, then something happens that brings me back to my roots and the prime reason I got in bdsm to begin with, patience and perseverance, I'm being given plenty of opportunity to practice both.

7/2/2013 6:50:23 PM

note to self, avoid gorilla glue during flogger construction.


6/30/2013 4:47:35 PM

The flower brand was to make something pretty out of an ugly scar.

 

My phoenix, Etana, was to remind me that no matter how many times my dreams, my plans, my life may go up in flames, something new will always arise from the ashes. She is my hope. And a beautiful memory of the one who gifted her to me.

 

My horse is because I admire their beauty, their wildness, their strength, and how under the right hand they can be tamed.

 

I'll be adding an Almond blossom branch, hopefully, around the horse, a symbol of hope. And an ivy vine cutting for on my leg, something to represent growth, tenacity and beauty.

 

I have wind and earth elements carved onto my right thigh with flames on either side. I am aries, a fire sign. The wind is motivation, the earth is grounding.

 

I have a star cutting on my left shoulder, a birthday gift x2 from a close sadist friend, and something I'll be adding to design wise.

 

For so many years I placed scars on my body for mindless coping. Now, I have scars placed that have meaning, beauty and design. I thank the artists who placed them, and the connections I had with each of them that I'll forever have a piece of, for their prints are in every line and their energy with every memory.

 

 


6/29/2013 3:48:38 PM
Retail therapy! God I love these new heels! :)

6/27/2013 6:54:04 PM

Could you bet me till I cry, till all the hurt is out rather then in and I've something else to focus on?


6/27/2013 6:12:43 PM

grief is a weird head space and i'd very much just like to forget that she spent the last week in agony...i'd like to forget period, just for a little bit...


6/24/2013 6:17:33 PM

So I don't believe labels are the be all and end all of a person. No one label can fully describe a person, since each person is very much (imho) like a prism, you hold it up to the light and depending on where the light hits is the color that will reflect out, depending on many many factors is how a person will respond, react, and be. That said, labels do provide us with a nice starting point in relating to others, also mho.

 

So I've spent the last three years trying on different labels of the BDSM world. For the sake of this writing I'm only going to focus on one side of the D/s labels, being a switchy type is so much fun but I'll write about that later.

 

I came in under the label of submissive. All my life I'd been trained in being submissive, in deferring and respecting a headship arrangement in my family, in my work, in the religion I was then a part of, and quite frankly there are many aspects of submission that I excelled at quite nicely. I view submission as an opportunity to build another up and help them lead, to compliment their skills and strengths with my own. That said, as far as the BDSM and kink worlds were concerned, I'm just not a "good", "natural", "proper" submissive personality. In fact I went to one submissive forum group and was told that I wasn't "submissive enough" to be a part of their group. Go figure. So I dropped that label, perhaps it just didn't fit enough.

 

I went back to the basics and took on the label of "bottom", ok well that fits me, I bottom in scenes when I play frequently. But it's only one small aspect of my personality. I am not just a kinky bottom. Ok, so that labels there.

 

Then I looked at the label of "Slave"....while I've had some wonderful discussions and experiences with a certain Dominant who is convinced that I have this in me, the plain fact of the matter is that at this point in my life I am not prepared to give up control of my life, myself, the direction my life is going in, all decisions pertaining to myself are just that, mine. Ok, so that label doesn't fit.

 

While slave might not fit, the idea of belonging to someone, of being there to serve, comfort, support and be guided by them is highly appealing to me.  So I looked at the title of "Servant". I truly enjoy being of service to others. In my professional life, in my personal life, I am very service orientated. However, I've discovered I cannot serve and receive nothing back. For me it cannot be all about giving, if I'm receiving nothing back to balance what I give I eventually burn out. I have emotional and physical needs and when they're not met then eventually I get to a point where I can't give anymore. So that also took out the label of "property" and "toy", while you can truly cherish and love and appreciate your property and toys, they're there for your convienence, to pick up and put down and use on your whim. I cannot be a whim, I need to be more then that, I need to know I'm important and a priority of some sort. Not even necessarily the main priority, but definitely not just an option. It took me a long to accept this about myself, because I truly try to be low maintainence and not require too much of my friends and families time. I am so used to making other people a priority and allowing myself to be an option, this is something that has to change and I'm working on.

 

Eventually I looked at the title of "pet", at first I totally disregarded it, I am not into puppy/kitty/animal play of any type. I am a human and I like being a human. Wearing a collar, crawling on the floor and licking out of a bowl is just not my thing (well, ok maybe just the licking out of the bowl is totally not my thing, the other two not so bad), then I read an blog about what being a pet meant to this one woman and so many things clicked. I think back to when I had pets of my own. I had a responsibility to those pets, they were a priority in my life. Yes they were there for my comfort, my amusement, my enjoyment, but I was responsible for feeding and caring for them, for making sure their well being was a priority and their needs were being met. I LOVED my pets. They were not there for my convienence. They were not there to be used and abused. In fact, it was not my "right" to abuse them and they would have been taken from me if I had abused or neglected them. And while there were some I had to give away for their own well being when life got in the way of my caring for them, they were a life time commitment for me, not an option. So when I think of being a human pet, I realize that is what I"m looking for, the be cherished and made a priority, to be allowed to serve and belong to someone. To be a pet.


6/22/2013 9:44:22 PM

So I feel the need to put this out there, while I love talking to all sorts of people and have no limits on who I'm willing to talk to in the friends category, when it comes to sexual orientation I'm ridiculously straight. I'm not bi or bicurious, not gender flexible or any of those categories. No, I don't think there's anything wrong with those categories but women just really don't do anything for me. I love to cuddle with them but that's about it. And serving a female dominant just would not go over well either. Although I do have female sadists I play with on occasion, but they're few and far between and usually close friends.

 

 

 

 


6/22/2013 5:31:20 PM
The one thing I really miss from the corporate world is getting all dressed up for work. There was such confidence associated with wearing the power suits, heels, and always having my hair and make up done. I always felt put together. Scrubs just don't hold that same sense of power. In fact it feels more like I'm wearing PJs to work.

6/22/2013 4:55:14 AM
Life is an odd bird

6/21/2013 1:45:42 AM
Am I too cautious? Is there such a thing? There was a time when I'd go meet new people without a second thought. Or go play with someone after only meeting them once...that ended badly...I want to play with this person but its outside all my established rules...maybe I'm over thinking this...

6/20/2013 10:11:03 PM
Always people are in the wrong locations.

6/19/2013 9:35:28 AM
I know he's convinced he's a dominant but that's really not the vibe I get from him at all. Maybe he was just out of his element....but every time I talk to him I have this urge to tie him up and do fun and meanish things to him :) he's just so darn Cute!

6/18/2013 1:33:30 PM

sometimes reds the only tears I want to cry...i get that a lot of people find that disturbing and that's ok, whatever works for them...others find seeing bloody results in their scene as hot and erotic, again, whatever works for them...I see my blood running and feel a sense of relief, like crying after a period of not being able to and feeling all frozen inside, it's cathartic, can you understand that?


6/17/2013 8:48:39 PM
Do you know what happens to a masochist the longer they go without playing? Grrrrr! I wish I weren't, that I didn't have this need to use pain to connect with my body and space...I keep thinking the longer I go without it maybe the better the chances it'll go away, but when something is a part of you it just doesn't work like that, unfortunately.

6/14/2013 1:04:26 PM

I don't do casual....but sometimes I really wish I had a FWB to call up and just get laid *growls*


6/12/2013 7:08:44 PM

I get asked the question, "What is it you're looking for?", a simple question I suppose, but does anyone ever truly have a simple answer?

 

I'm not looking for a Master or Mistress, a Dominant to belong to, not right now. Neither am I looking for a submissive of my own. Although I am a switch, and someday that might be something I want to explore, more then just topping another. No, right now though I'm looking to learn, to heal, to experience, experiment and to grow. Sometimes that means serving and submitting. Sometimes that means topping. Sometimes it means doing nothing at all and learning patience.

 

I've had long conversations with people that make me think, about what I need, who I am, where I want to go. People all hold their own opinions. I know that I love to serve. Someday it would be nice to find someone to serve specifically perhaps. Right now though, it's nice not belonging to just one. I hold my own independence, that I've fought so hard for, very dear to me. Right now I love the freedom I have and am in no hurry to give it up.

 

All that said, I don't do casual. I don't play casually. I don't have sex casually. I don't take my relationships with others casually either, whether that relationship be just a friend or more. In my world there is no such thing as someone being "just" a friend. If I've taken the time to cultivate a friendship then I've allowed you into a part of my heart, and sometimes friendships take even more work then romantic relationships. My close friends become a part of my family and I hold them dear to me. When I find a connection to another person, I feel that connection right down to my soul. I don't treat those connections casually.

 

There is a mental aspect of BDSM that captures me, and very few seem to excel at it. A way of looking at what makes another tick, and taking control of it. It's so rare I feel anothers dominance over me, so often there are those who claim the title but their power rolls right off me, it doesn't compel me in any manner. In fact, those who's dominance has reached me, has had the power to compel me, they number less then  hand full. I wish I could figure out what it is about them that reaches me, touches me, draws me to their will.

 

The joy I get in topping another is directly related to our connection. It's feeling a need in them and reaching to fulfill it. And when they reach that point where they fly, they release, they are at peace and in their happy place, that is when I find my joy and fly too. I love the reactions but it's the end result that fascinates me and draws me to top.

 

My career keeps me from participating widely in the kink community but it should be clear I don't do the whole hide from the public scene thing. I understand a lot of people keep their kink private and I respect that, but I wont be like that, I like getting out to events and parties, of interacting and socializing with others who have similar interests and deviance.

 

Right now I miss pain. I use pain to cope, to release tension, to fly. I crave that moment of pain that connects me as a whole and then expands to connect with my top. For me it is not about suffering for my top, I will not "endure" a scene just for their pleasure. Perhaps that makes me a bad bottom but that's just the way I am and I seem to connect with sadists who thrive on my enjoyment of pain as much as they do on their giving it, it works well for us. I am not about the marks left behind either, I have a deep respect for the skill level it takes to inflict pain without leaving a lasting mark. Any fool can pick up an instrument and start whacking someone else with it, but it takes experience, education and mastery of both their tools and the human body to truly play anothers body like a fine violin, to draw them to the brink without breaking them. And quite frankly I'm not impressed with large bruises that take a month to go away. I dislike hurting for extended periods of time, and again, any fool can create a mark, that's no great achievement in my book. To me it's more about the moment, the sensation, and the connection.

 

I have so much still to learn in my journey. So much to learn in service, in submission, in skill and technique, in human relations.


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submissivemicky
 
 Age: 22
 Louisville, Kentucky