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SeductivePoison
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badtothebone50
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AmazonQueen
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Glitche
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HisOneandonly
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vampyricgirl
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I am looking for a female slave race, color is no problem. Someone ready to settle down and have fun. Age I would like someone 30 or older but may conceder any woman. The slave should be looking for a LTR only. NO GAME PLAYERS. I only want a real slave. If this is not what you are looking for then move on.
Love the Light
Tuco
I am the Master. "I'm just Me". The things I feel are the most important in this lifestyle is communication honesty and respect. With that comes Trust. I can also be strict when needed.
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
Marlene Dietrich
Thank-you for stopping by.
Respectfuly
Tuco
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A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around! |
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blonde wife
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and his blonde wife in Belle River were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
So the blonde went out and moved their car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
The blonde went out and moved their car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The blonde wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do.. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplough can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
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I think I just gave the wrong answer to the "boxers or briefs" question o.O
I said Depends
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Things I learned, I Owe To My Mother....
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!
But, there is one missing from this list
My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
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Because Seniors are now texting,
here is the STC (Senior Texting Code)
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FMI: Found My Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Later
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil |
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Because Seniors are now texting,
here is the STC (Senior Texting Code)
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FMI: Found My Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Later
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil |
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Because Seniors are now texting,
here is the STC (Senior Texting Code)
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FMI: Found My Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Later
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil |
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AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST AD
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment;
I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol
after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was
wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just
returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.. She
had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my
birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very
evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when
pointed at your head ... isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun
walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your
pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you
leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you
from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your
cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and
filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas
station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took
153 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless
guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.
[That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp
mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield
and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I
called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just
now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over
a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in
two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while
mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed
really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your
number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I
feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for
your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some
of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you
have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career
path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not
be so lucky. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi, Alex
I probably don't have to ask you to forward this one.. |
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We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening |
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Cussing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF : No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF : Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEA D OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
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Some Stunnigly Hilarious One Liners
1. I say no to alcohol, It just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way You're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..
7. Born free, Taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, Some just don't have film..
9. Life is unsure; Always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, It makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, You'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, They are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... What I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, Why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, Are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, Leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, Confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, So, I made your horn louder!
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.
24. The cigarette does the smoking, You are just the sucker on the other end.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, Someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, To forgive is not a company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, But, if you think again, neither does milk.
30. In order to get a loan, You first need to prove that you don't need it.
And my favourite ...
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else. |
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I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, mish is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.' |
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To Be 6 Again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you fucking retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.
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Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off
a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the
remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some
Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel
right now.
Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner
peace. |
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This is very big!!!!!!! Don't ignore it!!!!!!!!!!
As you read this keep in mind that the Commissioners of Internal Revenue have always made it clear that the filing of a Form 1040 is "voluntary." So you may act accordingly. You decide.
Gun owners.... Look what's on the 2010 tax return....
If you have a gun, I hope it isn't registered!
It begins... More Freedom gone.... The right to protect yourself and your family gone! Now ALL GUNS must be listed on your next (2010) tax return!
Senate Bill SB-2099 will require us to put on our 2009 1040 federal tax form all guns that you have or own. It will require fingerprints and a tax of $50 per gun. This bill was introduced on February 24, 2009, by the Obama staff. BUT, this bill will only become public knowledge 30 days after the new law becomes effective! This is an amendment to the Internal Revenue Act of 1986. This means that the Finance Committee has passed this without the Senate voting on it at all. Trust Obama? You must be kidding!
The full text of the IRS amendment is on the U.S. Senate homepage: www.senate.gov
. You can find the bill by doing a search by the bill number, SB-2099. You know who to call; I strongly suggest you do.
Please send a copy of this e-mail to every gun owner you know.
Text of H.R.45 as Introduced in House: Blair Holt's Firearm Licensing and Record of Sale Act of 2009: www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h45/text
Obama's Congress is now starting on the firearms confiscation bill. If it passes, gun owners will become criminals if you don't fully comply.
It has begun... Whatever Obama's "Secret Master Plan" is... This is just the 'tip of the iceberg!'
Very Important for you to be aware of a new bill HR 45 introduced into the House. This is the Blair Holt Firearm Licensing & Record of Sale Act of 2009.
Even gun shop owners didn't know about this because the government is trying to fly it under the radar as a 'minor' IRS revision, and, as usual, the 'political' lawmakers did not read this bill before signing and approving it!
To find out about this - go to any government website and type in HR 45 or Goggle HR 45 Blair Holt Firearm Licensing & Record of Sales Act of 2009. You will get all the information.
Basically this would make it illegal to own a firearm - any rifle with a clip or ANY pistol unless: 1) It is registered 2) You are fingerprinted 3) You supply a current Driver's License 4) You supply your Social Security number 5) You will submit to a physical & mental 206,96,0)">Search Results - THOMAS (Library of Congress) " rel=nofollow>
:
<H.R.45: Blair Holt's Firearm Licensing and Record of Sale Act of 2009 - U.S. Congress - OpenCongress
<H.R. 45: Blair Holt's Firearm Licensing and Record of Sale Act of 2009 (GovTrack.us)
Please..... Copy and send this out to EVERYONE in the USA , whether you support the Right to Bear Arms or are for gun control.. We all should have the RIGHT TO CHOOSE!
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If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you
> should read this.
>
> The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without
> cursing.
>
> If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is
> funny... and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
>
> We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
> heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
> sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
> wire along the top of the fence.
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
> miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft.
> into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the
> ground, the better the fence works.
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push
> mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a
> fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
> reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
>
> It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
> the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
> about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
> on fire on the cover.
>
> Time stood still.
>
> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
> my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
> firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
> rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with
> the engine.
>
> It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were
> fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
> differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
> different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
> bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
> BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
> minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like
> exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
> fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.
> I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had
> those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like
> 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
>
> This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting
> signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this
> point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
> lawnmower runs out of gas.
>
> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
> run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
> in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die...
> Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
> and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
> command from its owner's right foot.
>
> So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
> my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He
> left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
> stupidity had created.
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.
>
> I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,
> out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
>
> There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
> another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
> ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
> resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
>
> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
>
> 1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
>
> 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not
> the left, just the right).
>
> 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
> might think.
>
> 4 - My left eye will not open.
>
> 5 - My right eye will not close.
>
> 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
> session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
> than new after that.
>
> 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
>
> 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
> number 4 (still don't understand this???).
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
> appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
> sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
> clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
> a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
> before I mow.
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A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are drinking together.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you have sex, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times." |
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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation .
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there,' says St. Peter..
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'
'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that..' |
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Living will
last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
They are such a pain in the ass......... |
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A BIG SHOT ATTORNEY HAD TO SPEND A COUPLE OF DAYS IN THE HOSPITAL. HE WAS A ROYAL PAIN TO THE NURSES BECAUSE HE BOSSED THEM AROUND JUST LIKE HE DID HIS STAFF.
NONE OF THE HOSPITAL STAFF WANTED TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
THE HEAD NURSE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD STAND UP TO HIM.
SHE CAME INTO HIS ROOM AND ANNOUNCED,
"I HAVE TO TAKE YOUR TEMPERATURE."
AFTER COMPLAINING FOR SEVERAL MINUTES, HE FINALLY SETTLED DOWN,
CROSSED HIS ARMS AND OPENED HIS MOUTH.
"NO, I'M SORRY," THE NURSE STATED, "BUT FOR THIS READING , I CAN'T USE AN ORAL THERMOMETER.
THIS STARTED ANOTHER ROUND OF COMPLAINING BUT EVENTUALLY HE ROLLED OVER AND BARED HIS BEHIND.
AFTER FEELING THE NURSE INSERT THE THERMOMETER, HE HEARD HER ANNOUNCE,
"I HAVE TO GET SOMETHING... NOW YOU STAY JUST LIKE THAT UNTIL I GET BACK!"
SHE LEFT THE DOOR TO HIS ROOM OPEN ON HER WAY OUT. HE CURSED UNDER HIS BREATH AS HE HEARD PEOPLE WALKING PAST HIS DOOR, LAUGHING.
AFTER A HALF HOUR, THE MAN'S DOCTOR CAME INTO THE ROOM.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" ASKED THE DOCTOR.
ANGRILY, THE MAN ANSWERED, "WHAT'S THE MATTER, DOC? HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE HAVING THEIR TEMPERATURE TAKEN?"
AFTER A PAUSE, THE DOCTOR CONFESSED..... "NOT WITH A CARNATION." |
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Larry's The Cable guys Proverbs |
1.. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
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This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”
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Maybe... we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe... when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us..
Maybe... it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.
Maybe... the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Maybe... the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
Maybe... the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
Maybe... you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Maybe... you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who
is smiling and everyone around you crying.
Maybe... you could send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life, to those who try to make you smile when you need it, to those who help you see the brighter side of things when you are down, and to all those whom you want to know that you appreciate them and
their friendship. |
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Drafting Guys Over 60
This is funny &
obviously written by a Former Soldier...
New Direction for any war:
Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.
You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You
shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is
a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are
impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will
make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always
get up early to pee, so what the hell.. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't
sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't
spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and
serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled
at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've
been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming
and yelling.
They could lighten
up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot
wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing
basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen
anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave,
to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that
a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head, or that pants
are supposed to be around the hips, not the knees
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more
about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing
an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes
and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN
have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of
your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it. |
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After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,
"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:
"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .
You could hear a pin drop.
Henry answered patiently, "If I told you once, Irma, told you a hundred times...What we have is...
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"Lizard Birth"
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . ..
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs! |
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These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.
They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"
The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.
"Okay," they said and left.
The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board!" |
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| Age: 30 |
| New york,
New York |
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