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my uncle that I've taken care of the past 4 years he is in the hospital on a ventilator and my cousin has decided she's going to pull the plug on Saturday
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Recently moved phone is off til 3rd and no internet toln11th |
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== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
100% Submissive
95% Rope bunny
90% Brat
88% Boy/Girl
80% Vanilla
79% Experimentalist
59% Primal (Prey)
57% Exhibitionist
38% Slave
36% Masochist
31% Voyeur
27% Degradee
19% Switch
15% Pet
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It has been a very rough few weeks for me, i got to spend the last few days on wed-fri with my mom, sadly she passed to cancer at 10 am on Saturday morning. She had been diagnosed the week before and decided against treatment since it was already stage 4 and matastisied to her bone marrow. It was a bitter sweet few days and I am sad. But I can be comforted that she is no longer in pain and with my father, step father and son's father. |
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I have come back after being away for a while. I am not always online and not always able to answer messeges right away. I have mostly been concentrating on bettering my life and my son's life. It has been a hard few years but I am always keeping positive. |
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== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
99% Rope bunny
98% Brat
97% Switch
87% Experimentalist
71% Boy/Girl
66% Dominant
63% Submissive
61% Primal (Prey)
48% Vanilla
48% Master/Mistress
42% Daddy/Mommy
39% Slave
33% Masochist
29% Pet
13% Non-monogamist
6% Ageplayer
5% Primal (Hunter)
4% Rigger
1% Exhibitionist
1% Owner
1% Voyeur
0% Degradee
0% Degrader
0% Sadist
http://bdsmtest.org/result.?id=4970756 |
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Two Houses two down from me got destroyed by a tornado last night it was scary sitting in the tub with my son when it hit |
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Not going to let the government taking my taxes get me down |
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a lot on my mind these days |
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feels good to be working again just in so much pain in my knee |
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getting car cleaned and packed up |
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in Smithville tn for a week or so before heading to Dallas, Tx. |
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Moving to Texas really soon with my son and whatever I can carry in the bus with me hopefully get on my feet there and not have to live in a shelter anymore |
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Staying strong and putting my priorities straight currently at the shelter but it's not so bad it is a safe place for my son and I |
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Sin and I got room for the night |
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Going to shelter tomorrow an sick of being treated like shot by someone who only cares about himself |
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argh nothing ever goes right
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seems like everything is going to hell in a handbasket. i may just go to the shelter again at least there i was happy and mostly stress free. nothing i do will ever be right since people look at me as if i am worthless maybe they are right
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OK soo ready to just disappear when someone uses a charger and swats at my son with it means someone's gonna be hurt badly |
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Ugh one more time this person yells or throws something at my son and we will be gone and sleep in the car |
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Likely dedicating next week to working at labor pool after son is in daycare so my bill and rent get caught up since my electric took my half of rent money instead |
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OK electric was paid by 3 PM still not on if not on tonight will need find place to stay or find money for motel room for night cause my son can't stay in place with no electricity at four yrsvold |
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Why does things have to be so hard I need to find 440 now for electric just to get it on sucks |
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Going crazy short a bit on rent and it's no fun at all but sure I can manage |
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McDonald's here I come work in tonight lol |
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likely lost my job tonight but at this moment i have some decisions to make to better my own life before i can be with anyone. tonight i couldn't go to work because my sitter refused to watch my son. i admit he is my roommate and sisters bf and i cant afford to pay him anything . but he knew this when agreeing to watch my son. i take care of my son and make sure he is asleep before the sitter who had total knee replacement a few weeks ago so he wouldn't have to chase after him. but i need my own place. need to be dependant on myself from now on because it is the only way i seem to be happy.
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Might just go back to the dawn shelter I sick of people being as towards me when busting my ads cleaning house just cause I wanna sit down a few min and idiot only complaining about me not cleaning a ducking closet |
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Work stinks wwhen you are out of cigarettes |
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Work stinks wwhen you are out of cigarettes |
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Goimg crazy with no net at home
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Looks like a shelter for my son and I since helping three people managed to get me evicted from my apartment. oh well will figure something out |
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Worn out just moved now debating on unpacking some more or going to sleep |
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Finally working sister got me a job at her work it felt great to be on the work force again even if my feet are sore after only five hours lol but i hope it lasts. |
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I have a job interview today in a half hour I hope it goes well, i really need the job wish me luck
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had a good 32nd birthday today with my little sisters and my son it was a slow day at first but ended with cake and a wonderful meatloaf dinner |
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Rest In Peace to my son's father a wonderful man and Dom he may not have been my Master these past few years but he always was a good friend and a great father. I love and miss you Killean, your son will grow up knowing that you were always there for you and your mother no matter what.
Killean passed away at 10:45 pm on september 26, 2012 |
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Its a dark time right now for me i am trying to stay strong for my son right now and his step mother... |
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Frustrated in new place with no net, i had my cell phone but it was stolen so now am trying to find a job to get a new one so that i can get back online at least while I am at friends house i am staying at. |
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Hurting right now one of my second cousins was killed last night in a car crash on SR 80 in florida i may not have been close to him in the adult years but we played as children
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Working on assignments that seem to get even harder as time goes by, trying my best to get these done on time and get the best possible grade i know i usually put things aside til the last minute and that is not good especially when one falls asleep while reading assigned work
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Have a wonderful and Happy New year all
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tears fall.. the heartbeat of one beloved gone like a whisper... never to be heard again Murdered by evil ones.. nothing but memories and the sound of a newborn's cries as it will never know the one who bore it... life fades without the joy the one brought us, the sweet song of the one's love for others. Love and the memories are all we have left... you will live on in our memories my friend.. my sister.. you will live forever in our hearts as one of the most special people in the world.. one who didn't deserve to be stolen from those who loved you.. R.I.P my friend and watch over those that love you still........ |
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In this day and age trust is harder and harder to come by. Same with
honesty, integrity, honor, loyalty, and commitment. The most important
thing people have lost is their honor and integrity when they tell
someone they will do something for them and it does not happen. Times
like these is when trust can be lost forever...i trust everyone until
they prove they are unworthy.. Does this make me stupid or gullible to
believe in someone whole heartedly? It hurts knowing people might laugh
at me when i trust them completely and they play me for a fool then
ignore me or not answer back.. Should i just give up on talking to
everyone because of the few? I don know anymore
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I
listen to a lot of peoples problems, my own i usually tend to keep to
myself. No one will ever know the full extent of my true feelings or
how much pain i am going through. Nobody will ever grasp why i do what
i do. Why i am always so nice to everyone. Never wanting to cause
pain or anger. I keep secret my true desires and true feelings daily. I
dont want others to misunderstand me or hate me. Each day i am told by
others here my only contact with the outside world because i never get
out. Never have the money to do the things i want to do. I am told
that i am sexy i am beautiful and i am wanted by them. But i dont
believe anyone would want someone like me. I am lazy. I admit i dont
want to do things anymore because i am self conscious. I an self
conscious when i around people i don know. A never want to be around a
lot of people especially when i feel like they are staring at me
judging me. Even when i do go out somewhere alone or with a friend. I
sit in a dark corner alone with my drink.. .Not wanting to talk too
shy to start up a conversation with anyone. Blushing every time someone
talks to me. I don know why i do thing like that i am a people person.
I do like being around people and once i get to know someone i even act
a little goofy. But still i know there are others out there who hate me
who don understand my longing to fit in. I don think i will ever truly
feel comfortable around people. Even when i visit those i care about i
go off and do my own little thing. Read a book play on the
computer. Loose myself from reality of this world. Why do i do things
like that? Who knows certainly not me. Noone will ever understand me i
don think. Nor do i let them get close enough to understand me. I hide
the pain the sadness the burden of sorrow that weighs on my heart
heavily . Depression starting to weigh more heavily as it sinks in.
Why do i let this over come me? Why do i let it burden me with pain and
guilt for feeling this way. . .I dont want to burden my friends with my
feelings at all because i care too much. I dont usually want them upset
knowing how i feel.
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When you are in pain it doesn't have to be physical pain alone it can
be emotional pain and so consuming that you feel like you are dying
inside. You feel so alone although you know there are others out
there that love you and care about you. No matter how much you try to
hide it from people. No matter how much you try to be strong and appear
happy. It takes its toll on you. You get sick of constantly
hurting. Sick of constantly being fearful of being hurt. Nothing
bothers you as much not even the threat of going away. You look forward
to being alone. You dont want to be around anyone. You dont want
them seeing the pain in your eyes. So much do you hide your own pain to
give others happiness and listen to their problems your heart bursting
caring too much for everyone. You try to appear in a good mood but
each day it gets harder and harder. You feel like you are dying inside
wanting to escape being unable to. Wondering and yes doubting you will
ever find true happiness. Heart hurting constantly.
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What is Love?
Love should not be rushed. Love should not be taken for granted. Love is a special bond between two people. Love is more important than anything else. Love is finding the one you want to be with. Love is two hearts connected as one. Love hurts when you can't see each other every day. Love is a bond that brings you closer. Love is all powerful. Love is never a weakness. You can say there is no such thing as love. But I know love has found me. Love will find you as well whether you look for it or deny it exists. You can search for love all your life and never find it. When you give up it will find you. Remember to recognize love when it finds you, Dont let your doubts and fears keep you from experiencing true love too...
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Even surrounded by others there is still the constant feeling of
lonliness and being useless. Time and again trying to make friends and
time and again being left out of the cheerful bantering and teasing
shared between close friends. Wondering if she would ever find the ones
she could feel comfortable around and not feel as if she is always
being left out and forgotten amongst the revilers. Days spent alone
even when others are around. When will the hurt and pain go away? Maybe
she would be better off dead. Tears fall silently always unnoticed by
others working around her, so quiet is she noone sees behind the
glasses the wetness falling slowly, slowly building up as they slipped
down a cheek. Using her shoulder she quickly wipes them away looking
around herself to make sure noone saw. Keeping secret her true feelings
of lonliness by a false cheerfulness always. Noone hears the slight
hint of pain inflicting her voice as she asks the customers "hi how are
ya?" trying to sound cheerful even though she is not. Noone can guess
the hurt and pain she is constantly hiding...
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Where are you?
Where are you sister of my heart?
Where are you Sharer of the womb?
Where are you? Are you safe?
Where are you other half of my soul?
Where are you?
Where can you be sister mine?
Why do you leave these questions unanswered?
We shared the womb for nine months. We shared a room for eighteen
years.
We shared our secrets with each other since we could walk. Where
are you?
Why do you not call me?
Why do you leave me like this, in such pain and misery?
Worry running through me, tears falling because I do not know if
you are safe.
My heart burning, wondering if you are out there hurt and alone.
You don't call, you have sent no answer to my pleads of response.
When will we hear from you? Are you ok?
Please answer me at least to know you are safe.
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I am twenty six years old. Live in florida and am new to this site. I am just a curious girl and I am a shy person by nature. |
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