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ARMYOFFICER
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Topsecret
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| I belong, heart, mind, body, soul to and with my beloved Sir. He is my friend, my mate, my lover, my Dominant, my basherta, my everything. If you're polite, and don't cross the line beyond friendship with me, I'll talk with you, I am however, emphatically, not searching.
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Happy Valentines Mo chuisle!!!!!!!!!! |
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God, how I miss him when he's away....... |
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Wow, it's been a long time since I journal led regularly. Life, work it all seems to take up such a chunk of time. He is still my oasis in the desert, hard to believe nearly 4 years. It's a wonderful feeling. Lots of changes in my life for the better. It's been rough, but I like to think it made me stronger. I'm the strongest marshmallow you'll ever meet! I read a few journals here. Seems to be a lot if the same old same old. I still do enjoy reading a few but most make me wonder what in the hell??!! Hope everyone's year is off to a great start, I'll try to keep up with this more |
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I love it when I get a single word message from Him during the day------"Mine". God that still melts me after all this time. Just had to say it
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Leonard Nimoy died today---- I had such a crush on Spock when I was young |
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This is how I feel today
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
It's definately a mean red day today. Nothing I've tried is making it better--- my favorite tea in my favorite cup--- went to hot-yoga and twisted myself in a pretzel until the sweat in my eyes was blinding me.
I want to curl up and cry, to cleanse myself, but I can't seem to let go. I'm afraid I may never stop.
So it's a hot bath, with sea salt to ground myself, some really loud music and a nap
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Sir is sick. Wish I could wave a wand and make him feel better.... |
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Wow, I really have slacked on journaling. Life, with all it's little things seems to take so much time. I need to make a concerted effort to write more, to express myself. Today I felt frustration bubble up because I wanted to share all that I was feeling, but words weren't adequate for what my soul felt. I'm an intelligent woman, a passionate, emotional being but sometimes I feel as if I lack that spark that lets others experience what I'm feeling.
Today I feel ALIVE. Every cell, every neuron is in overdrive. My soul is dancing, my heart is full, I want to channel this feeling, wrap it, give it to Sir with a bow! |
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Today it's like I'm in submissive hyper drive. The need ( far beyond an urge) to serve, to be used. I'm craving the rough, a stern voice, hands grabbing my hair.....and the twinkle in his eyes, the words good pet, like music to my ears. |
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It's supposed to snow today. I am so not ready for that! Perhaps I need to be one a Domme and find some sweet subbie boy to shovel for me....... |
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Today is a rather angry day. It's, anger, frustration, stress, all of it bubbling right under the surface. I'm fighting with myself to channel it positively. There are so many changes right now in my life. I'm sure, like all else it's the uncertainty of the step I am taking that is fueling this. I just hate feeling this way. I know stress is part of being human. I just prefer zen like peace---- unrealistic, I know.
On the plus side signing the lease for my new place this week, packing and moving a lifetimes worth of belongings is going to be daunting, but, it will at least keep my mind occupied! |
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I just haven't been in the mood to journal here. And I'm actually bored reading other people's journals. I used to look forward to reading bits and pieces that others posted. Some made me laugh, some were thought provoking, others just made me cringe. Now I just find so many lacking in energy.
Things are good here. Sir and I are still together, it's been over 2 years, so thank you my beloved Sir, my mate, my rock, my love, my friend. Your pet adores you so very much.
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This weekend will be TWO YEARS since Sir and I began our journey. 2 wonderful years with my best friend, my lover, my mate, my Dominant. I know many will never understand the relationship he and I have. Frankly, I don't give a damn. It's ours, it works, and that's all that matters.
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Ever have one of those days? Today is that for me. Yesterday's patient physically hurt me. And not in a good way! It's the worst part of my job, the mental, and physical toll it takes. Some days it's all I can do to soak in the tub with some Epsom salts and Motrin before I sleep. Laughing if only there was aftercare for nurses after a harrowing shift!
Mentally today I feel, well fragile. Don't know whether it's mercury retrograde, hormones, stress, but it feel on the verge of tears, spacey. Yes, ironically enough I feel like I'm dropping, but without the play! I know how to deal with it. Some chocolate, some essential oils, a warm bath, and a nap.
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Whew! What a crazy several weeks, graduations, trips, the insanity of work. I just want to escape to a tropical island with Sir, wear my grass skirt and coconut bra, and fan him with palm fronds!
Seriously I am in need of some rest and relaxation. I've been negligent in my journaling, and when I decided it was about time to get back with it CM seemed to have exploded into a hissy fit of epic proportions.
I'm not going to get involved in the he said she said who did what to who. Personally I don't care. I have a healthy relationship beyond CM, yes Sir and I drop little. Items to each other here, from time to time but mainly I read the journals, I talk with a few other subbies, and that's about it. I will survive without CM if the implosion continues.
I do feel bad for those in the first few tentative chats in here who may have lost contact with someone. If this had happened after the first time Sir and I spoke I would have lost out on the best man I have ever met. I honestly hope no one experiences that if only feeling because of this mess
I hope everything works out, but there is life beyond the computer. Embrace it, enjoy it, live it!
And I'm really glad that I'm not bombarded by jiggling boobs, and crotch shots when I log in. Submission isn't always sex. It's in the heart, the mind, the soul. No matter how big a penis you have its not the be all end all. Sir captured my mind and heart first, then he owned my body. |
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This is going to be a really rough week, emotionally. It has nothing to do with Sir and I. But I'm going to try to hold it together..... |
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I hate this cold, this nonstop snow! I want Sir, good music, a warm fire and a long extended playtime. And spring............ |
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I am so tired of this cold weather. Give me snow, I don't mind that, I love the crystalline beauty of it, the smell of it. I love the way it reflects the light. What I don't like is this bone chilling, mind numbing cold. It makes my skin hurt, makes me grumpy and withdrawn because of cabin fever. I'm dreaming of warm sun, a beach, or a bright hillside, the smells and sounds of spring.
Yes, I'm a sensualist, a hedonist even. Touch, taste, scent sound, sight, all enraptured me. |
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Grrrrrrrr CM just ate my journal entry |
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One word, well two DAMN COLD. Enough of this arctic blast, this polar vortex. I want to snuggle by a fire with a glass of single malt, some music and Sir. Seriously, my wants and needs are simple.
I don't tan, ever, but I'm considering a tanning booth just to make me remember what warm sunshine felt like.
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Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote. The holidays, the cold snowy weather and a bout with the flu all kept me busy. So, this is my first official entry for 2014, and the month is 2/3 gone....where does the time go.
New Years resolutions? Didn't make one. Seems silly, because truthfully most of them go by the wayside within the first week. Big plans for 2014? Not really. I'm going for low key, relaxing, and enjoying life.
What's new with Sir and I, you ask? Well, he paid me the highest compliment anyone could. Even if he never knew the sexual, submissive side of me, he would still enjoy being with me. Me, the person. I know, I know...many of you are secretly making the vomit face, but my guess is more of you wish you had a Dominant like that, and that some of you are blessing yourself that you do.
I am very submissive at my core, but that's not ALL that I am. And he loves the whole package, which only deepens my submission to him.
For me submission is both about fulfilling his needs, and finding myself. When you find someone you can be your truest self with, well it's the closest thing to oerfect I've known |
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It's colder than a witches tit in a brass bra out there! I'm glad I'm safe and warm inside. The holiday season always makes me feel even softer and squishier than normal, but I'm gonna rant a bit again, just because, well I like to express my thoughts.
as I logged in today there was, per usual, someone's random profile. This time it was an 18 year old Dominant, sex is irrelevant here. They seek a live in submissive for 24/7.
Now, I'm not saying there are not 18 year old Dominants out their. But I would be hard pressed to believe that an 18 year old is ready for that responsibility. Mentally, or financially.
This site makes me want to pull my hair out sometimes, but there are some sane people, I've made a few friends. And I have a soft spot for CM, even with all it's craziness, because it's here that Sir and I connected.
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Oh the weather outside is frightful..........I'm posting my Thanksgiving thanks early in case I'm too busy. I'm thankful for my children. They are the light of my life. I'm thankful I have enough food, and a warm safe place to sleep. I'm blessed with a loving sister, and cousins, and aunt. Good friends. And last, but certainly not least I am thankful to have found Sir, my mate, my lover, my best friend.
May all my American friends have a safe, wonderful holiday! |
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Okay collarme, you've officially pissed me off. Your "find horny subs" sponsored ads are degrading, and not in a consensual way! It pushes forth the image that all subs are stupid enough to fall for ploys like that, and are sluts, fucking anything with a dick. That is an utter load of bullcrap, offensive bullcrap. And you've put Dominants out to be desperate freaks who couldn't find a partner. Really? If this is the image this site wishes to portray, I may have to reconsider being here. |
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I've said before, I love reading other peoples journals. Some of it is beautiful, some of it just not my thing, and some of it is just downright disturbing. There is a difference between sadomasochism and abuse, some of the people who call themselves Dominants just seem to abusive bastards. But it's what other submissives write that I find, well terrifying, at times.
I read a few today that really disturbed me, from both viewpoints.
Why would anyone rationale desire something that will, not could, WILL result in long term, real physical HARM? I realize most of it is just fantasy, but god forbid one if these poor fractured souls who doesn't realize that for every real Dominant out there there are also sickos who won't respect your sa, and will give you exactly what you said you wanted, and possibly more.
Fantasy world is a beautiful place, the morgue, not so much
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Watching Gone With the Wind. God, when Rhett tells Scarlett. ----you should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how------ I swear I go weak in the knees.
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Rainy day, making cookies, drinking tea, listening to the wind. Feeling extremely greedy, needy, wound like a spring toy. Sir teasing me with trigger words, knowing full well the effect they have on me. Lucky girl I that I am, Sir doesn't restrict my ability to handle things myself when I have to. Just have to let him know I did. So i can relax a bit, enjoy an old movie on tv, and not pace until the floorboards are worn.
I love the fact that he knows me so well, that he enjoys the playfulness as well as the seriousness. I can tell him my dark little secrets, my silly thoughts, and he not only understands, he remembers the little details.
So damn happy to be his pet! |
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It's a gorgeous fall day, windy, bright sunshine, a slight chill in the air. I'll tell you all a secret-----I want to jump in a pile of leaves like a little kid. Which makes me think of Sir. Not in a Daddy Dom way mind you, that's not us. But for the fact that he lets me be the whole package. The grown sensual woman, the silly girl, and yes, even sometimes the frightened or stressed out, or even angry person. I couldn't be with someone who only saw me as a one dimensional being. But as I've said so many times y'all are probably sick of it. Sir and I like each other as people first, we are friends, and lovers, and mates and Sir and pet. None of it exists without that foundation of friendship, respect, trust.
Sometimes i don't say it enough. But thank you my beloved Sir for allowing me to be me |
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SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! In October! Welcome to the godsforsaken hinterlands......of course I'm sure Sir has many many inventive ways to warm me |
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Back from bff's wedding. She was so happy, as was he. It was beautiful to see. |
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Being able to completely open up, make yourself vulnerable to another, scary, yet exhilarating! And worth it, as are you, Sir |
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Having a really blue day, could use a hug, or a spanking, or both. |
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I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine
Pablo Neruda |
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It feels like it's officially fall now!!!!! Cool air, apples by the bushel, and the turning leaves. I love this time of year. I wish I could bottle it and take a spoon when I needed it. I'll just have to make do with pictures. |
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Sadly, no storm. Tonight I feel like a caged animal, restless, on edge, Senses on overload..... |
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The temperature just dropped, the wind kicked up, the cicadas went nuts, please, please, please, be a thunderstorm. I need to feel the wildness. I want to stand in it while the rain washes the stress away. To almost be baptized in it.
I don't know if anyone else ever feels this way..... |
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I need coffee, lots and lots of coffee. Grinning, if only Sir was named Folgers, or eight o clock. Dunkin donuts? WAIT, I'VE GOT IT! Chock full of nuts! Ok, that's all, I better hide now. Sir you know I adore you! |
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sir was in rare form this morning. Full of fun, teasing me, laughing with me, enjoying the morning. Is it any wonder I adore him? |
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It's hit here, not good heat, the sticky, humid icky heat of August, and the pool is closed. Hate small towns sometimes! |
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Sir preferred, the lotus mandala design. Now the decision is black and white or colors?
I also want my belly button pierced, but I'm afraid my scrubs will irritate it as its healing. Damn hospital buys unisex scrubs, so to fit my hips I have to go up a size, then cinch the waist up high----ala Urkel. But I think I'm going to do it anyway.
I feel as if there has been a change in me, I'm calmer, centered. Like a storm has passed. I'm not sure why, or what it means. But it's a good feeling! |
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I've been pondering getting a new tattoo. I want it in the back of my neck, something that can only be seen when my hair is lifted up. I am trying to decide between a lotus blossom/mandala design, or an infinity sign. Of course one is intricate, one is not, but I am torn. I want both, but the back of the neck is a small space. |
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I want fall, real fall with crisp leaves, bright sky, the scent of leaves burning. The colors, the smells. I hate this cruddy weather we've had. No real summer. I need the change of seasons, badly |
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Today is one of those days when the weather matches my mood. It vacillates grey, cloudy with sudden flashes of thunder and lightning, and then just as suddenly the sun is out and shining. That fits me perfectly. Definitely not one of my best days |
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Sitting outside, now, enjoying the sun before the thunderstorms hit later this afternoon. Sir was not impressed by my choice in cleaning the house music, but the dishes are washed, stove cleaned, floors mopped, so now it's time to relax a bit |
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Finally some sun, grey days recently...... |
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Summer is more than halfway past. The flowers in full bloom, the pools are busy. I love it. I love the feel of it, the smell of it, the taste of it. At heart I am a nature girl. I may love heels and skirts. Pearl necklaces too ; ). But give me the feeling of the earth under my feet. The sound of a storm, sun and rain on my skin. It's erotic in its own way.
My dream a small cabin, away from the insanity of the world where Sir can just let me wander about naked.----at least when it's warm. Maybe a fire inside to keep me warm when it's cold. |
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I am so blessed to have found Him. My strength, my friend, my lover, my Sir. Adore you!
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It's the little things I am missing most while Sir is away. Those sweet silly details, the early morning banter, the silly jokes. Telling him how my shift at work was..... |
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Happy Solstice everyone! Sir is off on a trip. I will miss him more than I have words for, but I also know how happy I will be when he returns.
Summer is here, the offspring is out of school, and the frenetic pace of my life changes a bit. I am soothed by the feel of the earth under my feet. The taste of a tomato warm off the vine. (Yes, a bit soon for that yet, but a girl can dream). Jumping into a cool clear lake on a hit day.
Someone here recently asked me if anything ever makes me mad. Oh god, if you only knew. I have a temper, I can yell and curse with the best of them. But I make the conscious choice not to. Really, other than a catharsis does having a little hissy fit change what happened? Do you ever really feel that much better afterwards?
We get back what we put out into the universe. Make it good! |
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Beautiful day here after the storms. Enjoying the sunshine, the breeze, the birds scolding me for not filling the feeder fast enough. It's a wonderful day to be alive! |
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Expecting some wild storms! Can't wait! |
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A year ago, a simple hello, who knew? Thank you my beloved Sir, my mate, my friend, my love. I will love you, I will....... |
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Had a wonderful birthday with the offspring. The only thing I missed was a birthday spanking....... |
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This has been one of hell of a week. I don't feel like celebrating my bday, but my kiddos do, so I will. It's not aging that I dislike so much as looking back at the unfulfilled dreams of my youth. ( I'm actually aging fairly well!)
So, I'll lift a glass of wine, and toast to another year ahead of me, and work on making it better |
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This has been one of hell of a week. I don't feel like celebrating my bday, but my kiddos do, so I will. It's aging that I dislike so much as looking back at the unfulfilled dreams of my youth.
So, I'll lift a glass of wine, and toast to another year ahead of me, and work on making it better |
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It's grey, rainy. The kind of damp that settles into your bones and says there. As my birthday approaches I have become acutely aware of my own mortality. This is the year I become healthy and strong. I've already made some serious, big changes in my life. It hasn't been easy, in fact, it's been damn hard. But, I'm worth it. I deserve happiness. |
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I love this time of year. I feel alive, every nerve, every sense is heightened. I just want to be outside, soaking it up.
It also seems to bring out my submissiveness. I don't know why it is. Sir suggested its because it is because of that increased feeling of being alive, the increased awareness.
I just figure it's because that's when wild things mate! |
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It's interesting how many subbies are just downright rude in their journals. Really? Politeness, respect all of those do not make you weak, or easy pickings, or whatever you're afraid of.
If I ever talked to Sir, or even other people like that, not only would I fail myself, far worse, I'd fail him! We are reflections of them, why ever would you want to disrespect them in such a way? |
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Very disappointed that I have to work on worldwide naked gardening day! |
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Sometimes the passage of time surprises me. I can't believe it's May already. It's a beautiful day, the sun is out, there's a breeze. I feel more alive than I did in April, that's for sure. So many things going on, so much to do, to overcome, but I will. I'm nothing but determined.
Thank you Sir for being my friend, rock, confidante, playmate. For just being You. I adore you! |
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Somedays life just seems to be careening forward. The pace is frenetic, I feel harried, discombobulated, off kilter, out of balance. That's when I retreat into myself, the solitude I crave, the quiet, the peace. And I always find Sir, my mate my center, my rock there. Even if he's not with me, he is. He's my place of safety, contentment, my home. I am blessed to share this journey with him, wherever it takes us.
The best thing I can say of Him, is he's my best friend. Does that mean we're not Dom and sub, no. Not to me. It means I have the best of both worlds.
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Prayers for Boston. My family and friends there are safe, but my heart is heavy for the victims, their families, hell for humanity too |
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Rain rain go away. Little Bella wants to play!!!!!!!! Actually I want naked gardening day to get here, but that's another story!
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Oh the things I long for Sir to do with me under a blossoming cherry tree! |
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No more snow, please?????!!!!!! |
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Thank you to all of you who sent a quick note of support! |
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Wow, it's been ages since I journaled anything, facing some personal challenges at the moment, but what I've come to realize that it's not the challenge that is the important thing, it's what you learn about yourself while handling the challenge, and also the way in which you deal with the challenge.
I have come to realize that I am far stronger than I thought, and that I am worth more than I have given myself credit for. The road ahead of me is not clear, it's winding, and bumpy, and obscured by fog, but I will get through this, and I will emerge stronger and better for haven taken the journey. |
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This song always makes me think of Sir
Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life
There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life
A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life
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Sometimes it's hard to quantify happiness. How do you rate the simple quiet joy of a perfect day? Every day I share with my beloved Sir brings me peace, contentment and joy. And those feelings continue to grow. Each day I wake with him in my thoughts, and as I drift to sleep it's with thoughts of him.
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Happy Valentines day everyone. For all of you who are in a relationship, I hope today is wonderful! And for those who aren't, I hope it's not too lonely.
And to my beloved Sir, no words can express my emotions adequately
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Just found out there is an annual naked gardening day!!!!!!! Bats eyes at Sir-----pretty please? |
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It's that time of year when winter has lost it's luster, and spring is not yet here. I sit inside pouring over plant catalogs and imagining a garden. Warm strawberries fresh from the garden. The perfect tomato, and all the while the weather channel mocks me! |
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Ever miss someone so much it hurts? |
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Miss Karen, Magnolia Babe her, I'm going to miss reading her journals. We exchanged pot roast stories, talked about babies and birthing babies. She was always genuine and warm with me, even when I said I didn't understand their life, although I could always sense the love there. She will be missed. Prayers and healing |
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Sir makes me laugh, not just smile. Full roll on belly laughs until I'm almost crying. He can open his heart to me and show me his vulnerabilities, and he allows me to guard those as he guards me. We nature each other. We can talk, we have the same dreams and passions. And yet through it all I never question who's the boss. It's ultimately him who I give my body, heart, soul and mind to. Because of those reasons, not in spite of them.
The way he interacts with me allows me to open to him completely, fully trusting him with all of me. It's easy enough for anyone to give their body, opening your soul to another is something entirely different.
Thank you mo chuisle |
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In dreams I've lain beside you.
Gazed upon your sleeping face. reached out to touch you,wrapped myself around you.
Heard whispered words as we've reached ecstasy.
I've carved my name in your back.
I've trailed searing kisses along your belly,I've tasted you like ambrosia on my lips.
I'm starving baby, your the feast.
For you I would plead.Crawl on hands... and knees through burning sand.shards of glass,BLEED.
Die a thousand deaths to feel your breath on my skin.
To touch you,hear you,feel you,taste you over again and again.
Feed me
~ Edward Menten
Not my words, but this is for my beloved Sir. |
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So in keeping with my theme of taking care of the whole me for my New Years resolution, today was a pampering day. Went and got a massage and a pedicure. So relaxed now, I could just go nap, but I'm off to walk the wee beastie in a bit. It's cold here, so it will just be a short walk, but the brisk air will feel great. I am going to be healthy, happy and content this year--- |
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Sir is the best medicine! |
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Fluuuuuuu ughhhhhhh. Please send chicken soup |
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The wee hours of the morning, a perfect cup of coffee and some music! Only one thing could make it better. |
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Somedays I wonder what I ever did to get to where I am. What karmic debt, what lesson to be learned. All I know is that I have inner strength, even if I don't always have inner peace |
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Just when I think nothing can shock me anymore something on this site manages to. |
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Wow, it's been a rather long time since I sat down and journaled. Children home from college, the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Did I even remember to make a New Years resolution? No, I actually slept through the changing of the year, exhausted from work and lack of sleep! Pitiful, eh?
So my resolution is to take better care of me, physically, emotionally, the whole enchilada!
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Happy new year everyone, be blessed, be happy, be safe, be kinky! |
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I am so very blessed. Not only do I love and adore Sir, but I like the person he is. Sounds weird, maybe to others, but Sir is my best friend too. That enhances my ability to give myself to him. It deepens my respect. It's the best of all worlds. |
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I think squirrels are having sex outside my bedroom window. It certainly sounds like they are enjoying it! Lucky squirrels! |
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This may not be the most appropriate place to post this, but my heart is breaking for those families. Don't go to bed tonight without telling those you love how you feel.
LOVE YOU SIR! |
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Sir says the things I say make him laugh. I guess I am a little off center at times, but life is too short to be serious 24/7. I think part of what makes life bearable is a sense of humor, looking at the glass half full. Now lets face it, I fully admit I can be he'll on wheels when pushed too far. I can be bitchy, grumpy, pouty, all the bad dwarves. But I don't like myself when I'm like that. If I don't like me, no one will.
Sir deserves the happy me, the soft me, trust me, he's gotten glimpses of the others. He didn't like them either! |
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The snow is on the ground, the air crisp and chill. I love it. Makes me want to frolic and play in the Eskimo way |
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I want snow. I dream of the Northern lights playing over the night sky while I toss snowballs at Sir and then run away before he can swat my butt!!!! Seriously, I want, need winter. It's too warm, it feels wrong. It's making me feel off kilter!
And Sir wants to hear those snowbells jingle!!!!!!! I'll let you all wonder just what makes them jingle....... |
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Curling up to sleep. To dream. I adore you Sir! |
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Did anyone see Big Bang Theory last night? I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself when Sheldon announced he was going to have to punish Amy. Freaking priceless! |
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Today's topic, service, specifically domestic service. This is kind of a thing with me. I enjoy it, I like cooking cleaning, caring for home, so is it really service, or is it something I do for me, because I enjoy it?
I think the submission in it exists in the mindset. I want it to be pleasing to him, even though he may not see it, taste it, smell it, or even notice. If I focus on that aspect it makes me get into that submissive mindset.
Do I take pride in my tasks? Yes. But, you should take pride in what you do, it's a reflection of you, of your Dominant.
I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. |
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First off, let me say, Sir you are my rock! I adore you. I feel safe, cherished, challenged and alive. Thank you!!!!!!
Yes I post things that here, because its my equivalent of shouting it from the rooftops. In this day and age if I did that the people with the long handled nets and the jackets with the extra long sleeves might come get me.
Today's topic Shibari, bondage or art? I'm going to say both. It's beautiful to look at, so intricate, each coil, each knot placed with such precision. Knots and coils placed to stimulate energy meridians and nerve endings. The time, the effort it takes not just to do it, but to learn it.
I challenge anyone who watches the process, sees the final result not to see beauty in the perfect placement of limbs, ropes, knots.
Go on, google some images, you know you want to!
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Ok, today I don't really feel up to writing on a suggested topic.m holiday blues. Tomorrow will be better |
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As promised I'm going to write about something another CM person suggested. And oy, there were quite a motley assortment. I chose today corsets, love me, hate me, why?
Personally, I like corsets, for a multitude of reasons. Being laced into a corset reminds me of being bound. Worn under everyday clothes it's a constant reminder of that feeling.
Corsets enhance the feminine shape, breasts up, even overflowing, waist nipped in, making the curve of the hips even more noticeable.
I like the dressing to undress aspect of them. The time and care, even at times the discomfort of wearing one. The choice of fabrics and adornment on them can enhance the experience.
I think, quite simply, they are among the most feminine undergarments one can wear
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Fantasizing about Christmas trees |
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So, today I have decided that I'm going to journal on suggestions given to me by people who read my journal. No subject is off limits. I'll discuss what I know of it, what I think of it, etc etc.
Today's subject is based on a subject my BFF and I had over a few glasses of wine. She is recently divorced and getting back into dating. She saw her first ever uncircumcised penis. I use penis because its impersonal, cock is reserved for Sir, just a me thing. She was a bit unnerved by the whole experience. So we laughed and joked about it. I told her about the first time I ever saw one.
I was 18, with the man who would, in time become my first Dominant. He told me before I saw it, which of course, got my mind thinking. It did give me a whole different view of a penis, no pun intended. Different touches, different things to do and not to do. I did learn referring to it as looking " kinda like Loch Ness Monster" was not a good idea.
My preference, and it's probably societal, is circumcised. I prefer the look, the feel, plus lets face it there is a whole hygiene thing going on. I'm not saying all uncut men are funky, but the possibility is there.
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Sick, god I hate the flu. |
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Curled up and took a long winters nap after finishing the task Sir directed me to complete. Just woke, and still doing the cat stretch thing, foraging for coffee and wondering when fall became winter in my neck of the woods.
It's a cold blustery day. The kind that, too me anyway, screams being bound tightly in front of a fireplace while the wind (and me) howl |
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Watching Phantom of the Opera. That movie has such D/s undertones....I love it. Music of the Night, and Past the Point of no Return always touch my subby soul. Dominant, erotic, powerful....god I need a cold shower! |
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Tonight I'm keyed up. My body, my soul craving. Every part of me screaming, aching to be touched, used by Him. To please Him. God, I love feeling this way. |
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Hate not feeling well, it goes against my nature, thank goodness for pain medication. I hate taking it, but without it, I'd be curled up on the floor full fetal sobbing |
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I really hate auto correct when I'm typing! |
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Not sure who is more of an exhibitionist, Sir or me!!!!!!! |
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Seriously Sir, it's freezing here!!!!!!! |
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It's freezing here in the godforsaken hinterland. This subbie is not ready for winter, especially with her tendency to wander about nude in the morning. That's a bit of a chill on the naughty bits. I do think Sir has more than a few ways to warm me back up however!
I am blessed to have met someone, here of all places, who understands my needs, my fears, my desires. Someone who loves me for me. Who makes me want to be better, who encourages me, even when I screw up, who challenges me. Thank you!
Looking forward to that train ride! |
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Watching Memoirs of a Geisha. Sighs, love that movie...... |
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Missing Him. In my minds eye my hands are His, teasing, exploring, seeking. My body can feel Him, my ears hear Him. I fall further into the depths, yearning aching, until I am nothing but neurons firing, His |
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My need for Him knows no bounds. He is my mate, not just my lover, my friend, my mate. He touches that deep animalistic core of me. Wild, untamed, yet submissive to him, for he is my Alpha.
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Sir, I still love you, even if you vote for Willard...... |
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Is so glad the weekend is over! Now all the hustle bustle of the holidays starts. I am making a vow, I'm not going to overdo it this year. Just enjoy the simple things.
If the cookies aren't perfect, it's ok. If every room isn't decorated, it's ok. I am focused on the people I love, and what's important to them. That doesn't mean I'm going to be Scrooge this year |
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Happy weekend everyone! Long, strange week. Don't know what else to say about it. It's been stressful, it's been funny. But best of all it's over! Next week will be better, it will! |
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I am not sure what was in the air yesterday....... |
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And I quote from Sir----Sandy was a sadistic Domme----- lolololol |
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It seems surreal, where I am the sun is shining, it's beautiful, a perfect autumn day. Then I see the pictures that loved ones and friends on the east coast send me. Complete and utter destruction...entire neighborhoods gone, hospitals being evacuated....Sir is battling with the aftermath of the storm, power outages, etc....and blizzards! Seriously, I do believe we have screwed up the ecosystem.
Anyway, when I log off here I'm donating to the Red Cross. I hope if you can afford it you chose to donate your time or money to helping people out. Not espousing any particular charity----just do something to help. What you put out into the world comes back to you multiplied |
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Watching the storm on tv. At least the tornados we have hit quick and are gonr |
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What a beautiful day!!!!!!!!! It seems hard to believe that friends and loved ones on the East Coast are staring down a monster of a storm. I will be glued to the weather channel the next few days. Sir near DC, cousins on Long Island, friends in Jersey. Be careful everyone! |
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Night off, unexpectedly, what to do, what to do? |
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Ok, seriously, I pull up the log in screen, and there is a huge HAIRY, fat, pimply rear end. And yes here comes a rant!!!!
Submissives, male and female, listen up. If all we have to offer is our bodies, then what good are we. We owe our Dominants more than that. We should be well rounded, people. Not just orifices. I know some will disagree with that last statement. But at some point in every relationship, no matter how mind blowing the sex is, you have to have something else in common.
Mind you this is not directed at those people who are hooking up for a few hours, or just want some good old fashion no strings attached BDSM. this is directed at those of us who want to find the One who complete us.
Submissives, please have some more self worth than that. Ok D types, you too. It's not your cock that makes me swoon, it's how you get into my head..... Oh and Sir, yours does make me swoon....
Second rant, wax that ass, and get some skin cream. And send pictures of yourself to people who want them. I certainly had no desire to see it. And I think the image will haunt me for hours.....and not in a good way |
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Public apology. I was just a major shite. To Sir, of all people. Spoiled brat, childish behavior. Don't know if I will be forgiven or not. Don't know if I deserve to. |
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let me first say, CM, I loathe the verification string on each journal entry. I have lost entries because of this. Please get rid of it!
Today's entry will probably be yet another rambling, stream of consciousness entries based on a random message I received. Today I got an intro message from a random D type. Lets call him SIR MASTER DUMBODOM. Ok lets start with the obvious, my profile says taken. Then he commented on my beautiful pictures. I dare anyone to find pictures, beautiful or not on my profile. And to call yourself Sir, or Master doesn't make you one, anymore than my screen name makes me Italian!
I don't understand this behavior. Does this work with anyone? Seriously, does any submissive think to themselves I want an idiot for a Dominant? Or someone who thinks I'm stupid?
Why would a Dom want a dumb submissive? Seriously, can someone succinctly explain it to me?. I am intelligent, I am strong, and I want a man who values that. (Blows a kiss to Sir, thank you! ).
Is this idiocy a CM thing? Is it the lowest common denominator? Now, rationally I know someone playing games like that isn't really a D. They're looking to wank to kinky imagery, and that's all.
I know I shouldn't get myself twitted out about it, but I'm middle aged, on a hormonal roller coaster, and I guess I am allowed to vent in my own journal.
Have a good day kinky folk! |
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It's one of those days were my thoughts and emotions aren't meshing. Periods of self doubt coupled with personal stress make me over think, and over react. These are the days that I crave control. I always want it, but there are days I need it. Don't know how much sense that makes. I just know that it makes me calm, quiets the riotous voices fighting for attention in my head. Centers me, calms me.
Days like this I need subspace....... I know my submission is not all about me....so please no hating ims telling me how selfish I am talking about my needs and wants. This is my journal, my place to show the good and bad, strength and vulnerability. It's just the exhibitionist in me that let's me share it with you! |
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I'm laughing, every day it seems there is a new Dom named Christian grey on this site. Seriously guys, give it up! |
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Beautiful day, going for a walk. I miss you Sir |
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Today I had one of those moments of stress and self doubt, where I felt as if I was failing. I was angry, stressed and I felt as if I was taking it out on Sir. He, instinctively, told me I needed to center myself. Talked me through it, supported me and reassured me.
My Rock, my love, my mate, my Master. Your pet adores you. Thank you |
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Found this poem the other day, sorry I don't know the author, but I loved it
Kiss
Beginning
Awkward
Adapting
Adjusting
Slow
Searching
Surrendering
Lingering
Long
Wet
Arousing
Touching
Intimate
Erotic
Breathless
Need
Hunger
Desire
Now.
Now.
Now.
Unfolding
Unclothing
Skin
Exposing
Vulnerable
Hunger
Now.
Now.
Now.
Tracing
Feverish
Flushing
Opening
Bending
Grabbing
Penetrating
Gasping
Moaning
Filling
Sigh
Kiss
Kiss me again....
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Had "lunch" with my bestie today. We do this several times a month despite the fact she lives nearly 1000 miles away. FaceTime, eat lunch, kvetch. It's amazing 30plus years and hundreds of miles and we are still close. She is one of the few who actually know the real me. She doesn't claim to understand it...but she doesn't judge me either.
How many of us have to hide who we are from friends, family, coworkers? My family certainly doesn't know. Coworkers, a few wonder, based on conversations and comments. Same with friends, a few suspect, but never come right out and ask.
Anyone who met me at first glance would take me for a strong alpha female. In public that is very much my persona. Is it to deflect, to protect?
It makes me feel almost bipolar sometimes! |
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Overtired, long shift at work. Too tired to do much more than clutch my coffee |
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I think I've said before how much I enjoy reading other people's journals. Some of it makes me shake my head in wonder. Some of it triggers me to write a brief, note to the writer, some of it I look at their profile.
I admit it, I profile perv. I sometimes just want to see the person behind the writing, to see what else they have written, or just because I am totally flabbergasted, and not in a good way.
What strikes home is the utter loneliness some of these journal entries speak of. It always makes me thankful for where I am. And the loneliness is not just we subbies, it's the Doms too. I know we all ache to connect with that other half of us, we all search, and sadly, many of us give up.
There is also a lot of venom on this site, sheer ugliness, and hatred. Is that because people don't trust? Have they built a wall so high that no one can scale it? Self defense, or are they really that unhappy?
I long since stopped believing in fairy tales, and I never sought one here. Relationships take work, and they don't happen instantly. Maybe we set ourselves up for sadness, and then anger because we haven't learned to love ourselves first.
If I had not worked on myself, I would not have been able to open up to Sir, to lift the gate and let him through my wall. I still work on myself.
I'll never be perfect, but I can always be better |
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Wow, people really do read my journals. I guess it's the voyeur in most of us! Sir is home. That is the happiest sentence of my day.
Decorated for Halloween yesterday, I love this holiday, always have. Probably because its a true autumn holiday, and autumn is my favorite season. Crisp air, colored leaves. Pink on your cheeks. ( ok that doesn't happen JUST in fall ; ) Sweaters, and then there's having your arms pinned above your head and being kissed until your lips are bruised and you're breathless as you take a long fall hike......
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So, today I got an interesting note in my CM mailbox. Someone said the relationship he and I have is not real because it sounds like i love him instead of fearing him, and that by loving him, I am not submitting to him.
To this I say BULLSHIT.
First of all BDSM is not about fear. Abuse is about fear. I trust him, and that is how I can freely give my mind, heart and body to him. I respect him, as a person, first, a Dominant second. That allows me to see him as my Dominant.
And yes I love him. The collar that grew around my heart is as strong as any leather and metal collar that could be placed around my neck. Maybe stronger, for each link was forged by a shared experience, a word, a dream. That's the collar I feel most strongly. My submission is in giving of myself freely to him, serving him, and yes loving him. He wants my love, and I freely give it, along with the rest of me. I make conscious decisions that I hope please him. I strive to be the best I can be for him, because, well, he deserves it. How does this make me not submissive?
Who has the right to question any relationship, except those involved? What does it matter to you anyway?
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Cold grey day, busied myself with tasks about the house, and concentrating on sending positive thoughts Sirs way. Do I think he senses them? You bet I do, a connection between two souls is always close despite the miles |
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Sir is traveling this week. Limited time to talk.. It's amazing isn't it how much we take the little things for granted? It's going to be odd not seeing his morning email in my inbox...but, I know that I am in his heart and thoughts, and that's enough for me, there will be plenty of time for talk and much more when he is home. |
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I love reading journals here. Some of it I shake my head in disbelief, some I laugh, and some make me want to read more, add my two cents. Ok, almost everything makes me want to add my two cents.
I've learned to recognize and look forward to the writing of some people. Others make me just shake my head and say not again. I wish I could write as well as some of you.
To all of you who give me a glimpse of your thoughts, thank you |
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Ok, I admit it, I do have an off day. Not every day is treacle sweet, although I do try very hard to see the cup half full. Today, while I am happy, I just feel kind of not down, and not quite subdroppy, I just don't feel vibrant.
I know some of you who follow my journal are smiling gleefully. You know those of you who like to tell me no one can always be that upbeat.
Well, to those folk I say this too shall pass, so enjoy it while you can!
No life is perfect, and I don't expect mine to be. But what I can do is constantly strive to make my life, and the lives of those I care about as good as it can be.
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It's a beautiful autumn day. The trees are red gold, the air fresh. I feel so alive. The collar around my heart is secure. For me, that is the most important one. Each link in it is forged by shared trust, respect, experiences and, yes, love... It grew of its own volition.
Can the casual observer see it? Perhaps if they are observant enough they can see the joy in my eyes, or hear how I speak of Him. But this collar around my heart is not meant to show the world anything, nor to proclaim anything. It is for he and I alone. |
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So today as I opened CM there was the usual profile of a random person up there--btw CM this is a pet peeve of mine, never knowing who's what is going to show up on my screen, but that is an entry for another day. Anyway, back to my point. This particular profile was that of a young, barely legal Dominant, who had been in the lifestyle. "All my life". And "trained many slaves".
Deep sigh---I don't even know where to begin. Is this what this community is becoming?
I will not argue the fact that someone can have Dominant or submissive personality traits that manifest their entire life. In fact, that is the one point I can agree with. But the sheer stupidity of stating you have been in this your entire life and have trained slaves, all by age 21......IMHO you don't know yourself well enough to train anyone. Just my two cents |
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The most erotic moment of my day? Having it all come out in the wash, with Sir Tide! I love you Sir, thank You for loving me and laughing with me---- always, downey |
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A whole weekend off!!!!!!!!!! Turning off the phone, going to enjoy my down time |
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Somedays make all the baggage from years past just fade away. Today is one of them. I woke to find myself happy, even before my first cup of coffee. Happy for no particular reason. It's a wonderful feeling.
There are days I don't feel like this. Days I just want to pull the covers over my head, and hope that this day just goes away. Days that my illness rears its ugly head and I want to scream that its just not fair. Living with a chronic illness sucks. I have learned to push past the symptoms, unless they totally debilitate me. Those are my bad days.
I want so much more from life. And I am going to get it. I have come to that point in my life when there is more behind me than ahead of me. I am going to live my life fully |
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Rough few days at work, emotionally. It makes me just want to pull the covers over my head and hide |
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It's a beautiful day here. More than anything I want to be outside, feeling the wind in my hair, smelling the autumnal air. To show him e small things in my world that make such an impact. The more I learn of him, from him, the more I share with him, the more I realize how well we really do fit.
Now a question for all you technical folks. How do I get cm to save my messages linger than 6 months. I don't want all of our messages back and forth from when we first met auto deleted. Guess I am a romantic at heart. I just like knowing I have O/our story from that first hello.....
Thanks if you can help me with it!!!!!! |
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Why is it that above all else I melt when he calls me pet? Never liked the connotation, but coming from him...... |
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Reading journals. I am not trying to disparage anyone else's kinks....lets just say I don't fully understand them. And I don't want too! I |
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Is it a full moon? I am getting the most bizarre and inane messages here this week.
Sir managed to make me quite tormented and restless yesterday, in a very good way! I am quite sure he realized full well the effect it would have on me. Hyper focused on him.
Driven to please. Happy and frustrated all at the same time.
I adore you |
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Pet peeve----people who don't take the few seconds reading my profile requires. Who profess to know what I need, despite the fact I have found what i need.Ah collarme, you really bring out the best in people.... |
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Today pondering the use of titles, and descriptors. Master,, Mistress, sub, slave, pet, Owner, Top, bottom, Dom, Domme.
I think of him as Master, I am his submissive. We are each others mate. He calls me pet, I call him Sir. We also call each other our names. Is that less D/s? I don't think so. It's the context. I have known some "slaves" who are less submissive than me, and met some "Dominants" who I could have topped.
Why the focus on labels? I know some of it comes from our need to have a hierarchy, some clearly defined role, and with it clearly defined expectations. But isn't each relationship it's own, with it's own roles and expectations? I certainly don't want my relationships to be cookie cutter versions of someone else's. And while I would be flattered if someone chose to emulate mine, I think my advice to them would be, find your own way.
I know not everyone thinks as I do, and what's more, I like that fact. As always, feel free to comment |
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIR!!! I have nothing more to give you than all of me....... |
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Today is one of those days. I want to run, and never stop, to not look back, to go somewhere where I can just be me. This feeling will pass, and I will be my sunny self soon enough, for o refuse to wallow in negativity. |
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Restless, I feel a bit like a caged animal today. I want to be outside, with nature. Free. Autumn is upon me, and I don't want four walls and a roof crowding me |
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Long, physically draining week at work. And while I love my job and am blessed to have a job I love, I am glad for the weekend! This weekend I plan to recuperate, reflect, and be thankful for what I have. I am truly blessed to have wonderful children, a loving Dom, a job I love, and good friends.
I know all of this sounds a bit Pollyanna for a BDSM site, but I truly believe you need to sit back, and take stock of what the universe has given you.
Now if only the universe could give me the winning powerball ticket! |
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Long holiday weekend, back to day to day things this week. Went to an amusement park for the last blast of summer. I had forgotten how much fun they were, plus, such a unique mix of humanity! |
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Cm pet peeve pulling up the log in screen and being greeted by genitalia. The human body is beautiful, but that doesn't mean I want to see yours. If a person feels that's all they have to offer the world, well I feel sorry for them.
Couldn't there be a way to filter this out?
Other than that it's hot and humid here, it's making me cranky, I want autumn to be here.
Tonight is a blue moon, won't be another one until 2015, unless the Mayans were right :)
Enjoy it, bask in it, go outside and have sex under it!!!!!! |
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I was advised to put bugs as my hard limit ;~ ).
Seriously, I love the fact that I really do feel like I am growing, changing, being able to express myself completely, for the first time in a very long time. He is learning my serious side, my silly side, the shy side, and allowing me to remember who I am.
I know this is not the last night I was used most wonderfully journal, and more about my feelings, but thats why I am writing a journal, for me to be able to express more clearly.
For so many years I was locked inside myself, I shared my thoughts, desires, needs with no one, because that was the safe thing to do. I felt protected in my cocoon. But it wasn't a cocoon, I wasn't changing, I was chained, away from the sun, the stars. Chains of my own making, tight, constrictive....now I am chained still, but this chain allows me to fly, to soar, to turn my face to the sun, and then it guides me home again.
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It's odd isn't it? We happen upon a person that we may have seen before, and never noticed, but something clicks now, and its incredible. A chuisle mo chro I am glad we finally found each other |
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www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZqFK4dcl2Q
Love this song |
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Today i am simply pondering the ways of the universe. I found here, someone wonderful. Someone who likes me, as a person, a woman, and a submissive. For I have many facets. He nurtures them all. I am His. I wish I could put my finger on the exact reason why, but I can't. I just know that this feels right. |
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Today is an absolutely beautiful day. The sun is shining, it's not too hot, and I am sitting outside on the deck listening to some music my beloved Sir shared. It always makes me feel close to Him to listen to music He enjoys. It's also an insight into the person. I have a whole mix on my I pod that reminds me of Him. |
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I wasn't going write about how much I hate 50 shades, because thats been done ad nauseum. The only positive thing that book has done for me s allow me to tell the people I work with that that's not really what it's like. Then of course the questions begin, and I answer without divulging too much.
The last shift there was a conversation about who would you go to " the red room of pain" with....who was sexy enough to play Christian etc etc etc. I nearly lost my lunch. They have no idea, it's not about who is the hottest, or the sexiest. It's about who can stir your soul in such a way that pleasing him becomes your highest goal. How do you explain that when they have never felt what it feels like to hear him say. " mine" in that way that, or the peace that comes when he says " good girl"
Maybe it's just not worth trying. It's like explaining snow to someone who has lived all their life in a desert. They can't. Unless they experience it, it's still intangible.
So the positive spin of 50 shades of cat yack is that it opened a rather cloudy window into my world. Now I just need to get out the windex |
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So, I've decided as part of my self improvement, I'm going to start journaling an a regular basis. Not quite sure, if I want it to be public or private. I like the idea of getting feedback, having a discussion, but some things, well they are just rumblings, random thoughts and ideas.
Maybe I'll do a bit of both, journaling less private things here, and then keeping another, private more introspective journal just for me.
And if I send you a comment on an entry you have made, it's not a proposition, it doesn't mean I want to be on my knees before you, it just means something you wrote resounded with me. |
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I have been considering what drives my submission. I'm not a pain slut, and it's not just kinky sex...it's not about being a doormat. For me, it's being what He wants, what He needs. To complete Him. I know not all agree with this.
But Dominant and submissive make each other whole. Alone we may still exist, but it takes that missing piece to bring the picture into focus. I spent many years, by choice, as a submissive without a Dominant, my energies channeled into other things. I have come to realize that without a Dominant, I may have submissive tendencies, but I am not a sub.
I also think, and again this is my thoughts only, that in order to be the best submissive for Him, I need to be the best person I can be for me, mind body and soul. Yes, He is there to support me, guide me, chide me, even discipline me, but ultimately I must be the one to do it. Again, not everyone would agree. I do think that wanting to be the best me, is a direct reflection of Him, for doesn't he want that too? Any Dominant worth their flogger wants a submissive he can be proud of, a submissive aware of their inherent self worth.
And just clarify, I am not speaking of a Master/slave dynamic, which I believe is something entirely different, and not something I seek.
Please, feel free to comment, as I love hearing other people's thoughts |
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Just talking to Him, simple conversations about nothing in particular...happy |
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Having one of those can't sleep nights. The mind is racing, I'm restless. Tried a tisane, tried reading. It doesn't help. I want Him.... |
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Today, I just want to scream from the rooftops, that i belong to Him. That, after all these long years i have found someone who wakens things in me I had long since forgotten
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It's interesting when I get messages here from people who have obviously neither read more profile, nor my journals. Seriously, that's sad |
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For the one who owns my heart, mind, and soul. Thank You, for beingYou |
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Sleep deprived, giggly, what a day! 6 more hours until I can sleep. Then I can dream! |
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Life is good. I am happy. I found something and someone wonderful. |
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I have met a wonderful man here! Amazing isn't it? |
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Well, I can journal here. The response to me joining has been well, overwhelming. I will attempt to reply to reply to each message I was sent. I think I need to be honest and say that I don't want just quick kink, I want a connection. If you are looking for a quick cyber wank, I am not for you. |
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| Age: 19 |
| Columbus,
Ohio |
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