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MajorShock
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ropechica
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MstrofMinds
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| I am in a relationship with my Dom. We have been together for 3 years and are looking forward to time ahead. We have been together through quite a lot, and he has been my rock when I think the world is falling apart.
Alright, let's see. I was born in Indiana, though I consider myself a Minnesotan. I've been in this lifestyle since about the age of 20, although looking back, I know I've always had a thing for tying and rope and all the goodness that is restraint and struggling. I once had a babysitter re-tie an invisible gag because he didn't do it right. When all the other girls wanted to be Wendy when we played Peter Pan, I wanted to be Tiger Lily because she gets tied up.
Recently, I was told that I make fun noises wile playing. I moan, I squeak, I mumble things behind a gag, I scream, I whimper, and I curse. But oddly, I have trouble talking. I think that if I'm told to say something and I act cute enough, you will forget that you told me to say it. For some reason, I feel funny and awkward in saying dirty things while in a scene. Along those lines, if you are the one holding the rope or the flogger, talk to me!! I simply love it when I'm told to do something, or that that bonds look nice, or other simple things like that. If you are silent, I think I'm doing something wrong. Talk dirty to me! Mmmmmmmmm yum.
All through high school and college, I was very much "You'd look real funny without any fingers" if you touched me. I'm still very hesitant about touch of any kind. I'm a firm believer in that you don't touch someone if you don't like them, unless you are punching them in the face. If you touched me softly in any way, a hug, a pat on the shoulder, anything, it meant that you liked me. In some ways, I still believe that. I will curl into a puddle at your feet if you tickle my back softly. If I ask to cuddle with you or wiggle my way under your arm, forget it. That means I feel I can trust myself with you and you are now one of my favorite people. I love that feeling of casual touch and only rare people earn that. Trust and respect are always earned, never afforded because of a label.
I am part pirate, in my own head at least. My alter ego, Black Catherine, is my inner pirate bitch who comes out to play every now and then. It usually happens when I'm drunk, however recently I keep finding suggestions of her in my day to day life. I'm more confident and put up with less idiocy from other people. I don't handle bullshit well. I am extremely loyal and protective of my friends and family. I like being a pirate! And my boobs look totally amazing in my corset!
I'm always open to new friendships and learning. I thoroughly enjoy receiving messages, even if they are just a note to say hi! If you have any questions about who or what I am, I'm willing to talk and answer! I just ask that you speak like a human and not in "txt spk". Yeah, try that and see how far you get.
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If someone had told me Friday afternoon that later that evening I would be naked in a room with 4 other people, I would have laughed them out of the building. I have never been extremely comfortable naked, even by myself and with my Dominant. And the thought of being naked around other people? Forget it. I was nervous for a full week.
The night progressed amazingly, meeting two folks that would share the evening, one whom I had met before and another that I had not. After a scene with my Dominant and a dear friend/mentor, and I was on cloud nine. I'm still feeling the tender shoulders and nipples, reveling in that luxurious loose feeling that comes with a great beating. And found out I am a little bit of a voyeur. Our friend and mentor pulled me by the neck to watch the other couple, who had said it was alright before they had started. Good Lord, was that sexy. Being held by my neck, choked, while being made to watch the other couple. I'm wet just thinking about it.
What I am left with, even 24 hours after everything, is the immense feeling of acceptance. It had been a long time since I felt sexy. My Dom does wonders for me there, and with him I feel like I am a desirable woman. But this being my first ever party setting (small and intimate as it was), I admit to being concerned how the other folks would view me. Yes, I'm a big girl. Yes, I am working to fix that. And yeah, I still get worried that other people will snicker behind their hands.
I shouldn't have worried. After the playing was done, we were left with 4 of us there, and all of us were nekkid. At first I tried to hide behind my covers and blankets, but after 3 hours of talking and laughing and sharing music, the covers fell and I lay there topless, not caring and not worried what they would think. These people had already accepted me as I was, for who I was, not for what I looked like or what my dress size was. These people wanted to spend time with me, stark-ass naked, smiling and laughing.
I feel sexy. I feel like I can leave that last button undone to show a little more cleavage. I feel like I can tempt people. I feel like I can take on the world.
And I want more.
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I'm so in need of play that I almost said "Screw it" and broke out the hitachi in front of Sir. I just want a day at home, no work, no errands, no parties, no chores for either of us. Just sleeping in, maybe a video game for a bit, but lots of cuddling.
I've been day dreaming of bondage lately. Gags, ropes, cuffs, SOMETHING!! I just want to be restrained and played with, forced to feel everything instead of this mind-searing numbness that has enveloped me lately. I'm getting better about seeing what I can provide him and what I can't, but for the love of Christ, there are times when I'm lying there, silently pleading for you to touch me. I don't want to ask you to, because I want you to want to touch me. I'm not going to force anything on you, but it hurts so much when you don't. I ache for your touch and your dominant hand. Maybe we have grown complacent, but I want to work to fix that. I don't want to be just your sugar mama, who provides to cover the bills and what you need. I want to be your fuck toy, where you find your pleasure. I want to be your plaything.
Just tell me what you want. I will do what I can.
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Just because I'm a sub doesn't mean I don't want to call you Master. In fact, I long for that. But you warned me to be careful, because using it would put you in a place where you have to decide to take all of me or leave me. So I have been careful and not used that honorific, even if it does call to my heart.
Just because I'm a sub doesn't mean I don't want my limits pushed. I want to learn what makes you moan and how I can do those things better. I want to be able to handle the things I previously thought were too extreme because I know it turns you on. I want to please you more than I want to breathe.
Just because I'm a sub and I can say "No", doesn't mean I will. I will learn to take more, in fact, I desire to take more. I want to go farther, be better, be enough for your desires and earn that Look, maybe a smile and a "Good girl" from you.
Just because I'm a sub doesn't mean I don't want protocol. I want rituals and tasks. I want to know how to run your house, to ease your tensions and make your life easier. I want those intimacies and gropes, those naughty nicknames and punishments for stepping out of line.
But you have your other as your slave... and I'm just a sub.
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Sometimes a good talk can raise more questions than it answers. After our last big talk, I feel empty, worn, confused, angry, an completely worthless.
Words are just words. Actions tell who you really are. |
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I've been doing a lot of thinking about this lifestyle lately. Sir asked me what I wanted last week, because he doesn't know what to do with me. And that has stuck in my head. I'm not working, but looking. I'm learning how to cook from some family recipes. But he asked if I knew what I wanted out of the lifestyle; a house slave, a pleasure slave, just in the bedroom? And even though I don't know the whole thing, there are a few things I have discovered.
I don't have what it takes to be a slave. I can't. There will always be times that I say no, and things I just WILL not do because, I'm sorry, they are disgusting. And even in saying that, I wish I was able to do it, because I know that is what he wants. Master/slave is deeper, more meaningful. But I can't be that. I've failed in the basics.
I know I LOVE the kink. The toys and restraints, the trust of letting yourself be manhandled in such an intimate setting. That part I love. But can I give up all rights? No, I can't. Even though I'm a sub, I'm a raging feminist. Don't tell me I can't do something because I have the wrong dangly bits, because that only makes me want to do it and kick your at the same time. With that being said, I want my submission to be something Dom earns. I don't trust lightly or easily, and I adore having someone I can open up with, to share those darkest desires that even scare me sometimes. But I think I want more than just in the bedroom. I want to sit at his feet while we watch movies, to sleep with his hand on my breast, to make a good dinner and have him smile and say "Good girl." And to wear his collar at all times. I want to serve his needs... and I want to be enough.
On the other hand, I want to be able to handle my own problems. Those slaves say they have to be dealt with daily, who parade themselves like living barbie dolls, but don't actually use the brains they were given... don't even get me started. Don't make a Dom worry about you 24/7 because you can't handle your own life. He already has his life to worry about. Put you big girl panties on and fucking deal with it. Nothing gets me more pissed off than a girl who thinks she only has to be what men say she can be.
"Showing [her body] off in tiny red shorts and a tight tank top only made her appear cheap and pathetic - a worn out Kewpie doll painted up for one last night at the carnival. He felt a stir of sympathy for a woman who sought approval and attention by trying to showcase a sexuality she'd already lost."
"Midnight Bayou " by Nora Roberts
Couldn't have said it better myself, Ms. Roberts. |
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I would put things down here, but it has become unsafe to do so. A new outlet is needed. |
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The squeaky wheel gets the oil. |
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Something going on in my head... but I can't put it into words. I don't know what it is or how to face it or deal with it. What is going on? Why can't I be right or good enough? |
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I'm in a hotel room, with my Dom, with nowhere to go... and we HAVE NO TOYS!!! What kind of sick joke is this?!?!?!? |
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I love that when you are the submissive in the relationship, EVERYTHING is your fault. And by everything... I mean everything. And by love, I mean really really really hate. No matter what it is, is you are the submissive, it is your fault and you get to feel like shit for it. |
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How come some of us screw up one time with a person and that relationship is done, while certain other people can screw up again and again, raking that person over the coals of life by their dick, and they keep giving them chances? Oh, I can pull out all the cutie excuses too, The "I don't know what I'm doing.", a few "I'm so jumbled up inside.", sprinkled with a couple "Please don't give up on me." Apparently those lines are worth their weight in gold because they can get you back in someone's good graces over and over no matter how many times you hurt them.
Kiss the fattest part of my ass. |
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When he says you're everything he needs, but not everything he wants... |
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I had a thought strike me as I was working alongside a friend of mine this evening (who also happens to be in a Dom/sub relationship with his wife). What is with the double standards from dominants?? "She shouldn't be eating those sweets, so I hide them." when I know personally that the Dom has 3-4 glasses of chocolate milk and cookies every night. "I will play with other women besides you." while if the sub were to play with another man, it would be the end of the relationship. "She can't smoke." And yet the Dom is puffing away. I'm so damn sick of it. I get that a Dom knows what is best for his sub (in most cases) but these doubles standards just make me sick to the core. It is disgusting. And maybe I'm missing something or I'm doing it wrong, but this seems underhanded and low. |
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Why do men enjoy receiving and looking at pictures of the most repulsive parts of women? And WHY do women feel the need to take extremely unflattering pictures of themselves and send them?!?!? Seriously, ladies!! The long arm shot with the pouty lip, the picture taken from above your head with your boobs hanging out of your shirt, the one taken in front of a mirror in a "sexy" pose. Do you realize how stupid and juvenile these make you look?!? You are not helping the rest of us!! Try a little dignity and intelligence. It looks good on you. Much more so than the picture you took with your iPhone of you looking "moody". Grow the hell up. |
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Failure. The word keeps pouring through my head. Should I be a submissive when I can't even do the little things right? I thought it was a minor slip up, but when he hinted it was bigger than I thought it was... well needless to say I've been trying to keep my composure. I can't even do the little shit right. Maybe I'm in the wrong place. Maybe I'm not cut out for this lifestyle. Maybe I should just tattoo "Failure" across my forehead.
Screw it all. I'm going to bed before this headache gets any worse. |
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Ahhh Halloween night. There is just something about tonight that I love so much. It feels older, ancient, almost like you can touch history. I went to school on the east coast, and just hearing the wind on this night was different. It holds so much more. More promise, more drive, more touches of the past. I could almost see colonial houses with bonfires burning in front, children running about on All Hallow's Eve trying to scare away the evil spirits, and ghosts lurking between the houses, trying to find touches of their on lives.
You can almost breathe history on this night. |
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And then He goes and does something like THAT to me. I'm still dizzy and my legs don't work anymore. |
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Kill it. Kill it with fire. And after you do, I bet you will pick it up again and try to make it better. You always do, no matter how much shit it rakes you through.
Just so much wrong with It and yet you can't let It go. You love It, sometimes I swear you love It more than you love other things that haven't stomped on your heart with golf shoes and betrayed your trust. But you just can't let It go and break all ties, can you? Damn you. And damn me for standing by while It does the same thing to you over and over and over again. It and It's spouse belong in prison. The world would be better for it. But God forbid we take a step to putting them there. Instead I just watch the same drama over and over. Someday I will beat Its face in. And I won't be sorry in the least. |
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I feel like writing, as there is a lot on my mind tonight and things running around in there that keep screaming at me. But saying them and writing them down would only get me in trouble and put me in a place I seriously seriously don't want to be.
He said he thought about putting me in "the five points" before he left today (and probably won't be back until early tomorrow), cuffs, ankle cuffs, and a posture collar. I wold have been fine with the cuffs, both sets, and even a steel collar would have been fine. But something about wearing a posture collar...in public and around the housemates... I couldn't do it. What does that say? Am I cut out for this? Am I just kidding myself about what I want if I can't do what he asks? I'm so out of sorts about it all that I've been turning it over and over since I woke up. I don't know when he will be back, and part of me wants to have "something" waiting for him when he gets back, but I have been told that I don't get to put on the cuffs or remove them myself. Makes for a rough evening of trying to figure this whole thing out. |
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So once again I realize why I prefer THINGS to people. Once again I go to bed, holding my tongue against saying something I know I will regret. But once, just one damn time, I want to know that I am enough. That I am the one on his mind and not the brain dead, IQ-lower-than-her-shoe-size, emo, whiny teenager that I know has been occupying his time. Kiss the fattest part of my ass before I put a boot up yours, child. I feel like getting drunk, raising some hell, starting a fight, and maybe, just fucking maybe, making him jealous
But I won't. I will tie down my Pirate alter ego, make her behave, and continue being the sane, competent, one who doesn't cause drama. Because that is what I am. Maybe it is because I was the oldest child and I like peace and harmony and dislike madness and hard feelings that I can't be the cause of them... so once again I will quiet my mind, find that happy place (maybe with a little help of my friend Captain Morgan) and go to bed. |
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There is NOTHING worse then feeling submissive, craving the bondage and His hand on my neck, the cuffs keeping me where I need to be, needing to FEEL, the pure sensation and desire for touch... and He isn't here or in the mood. Dear frustration, you are KILLING me! |
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I wish I knew why I feel so horrible tonight. The tears are right there, right under the surface. I can feel them burning away, wanting a release, but until I can figure out WHY, damn it, they can't come out. I won't let them. So what is it? Why do I feel so cold and alone? What is so wrong that I can't get a grip on how I'm feeling? Why am I asking so many questions.
I love the man. I do. More then I've loved another. So why is this one thing such an obstacle? I should be fine with it. I've told him I've fine with it. But what if I don't know if I am? How can I handle this? What can I do to turn off my mind and just be ok? I don't know how I should feel and it is killing me that I can't let this go. I don't want to be the proverbial squeaky wheel, but damn it if it doesn't hurt sometimes.
I can't figure out my own thoughts tonight. Sorry for putting them here. |
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There comes a point in one's mind where the heart and soul shut down and all you do is go through the motions and try to just get through the day. Something has hit the wall and you only mine your days out, moving through it just to go to bed and get up again to do the same thing tomorrow. I feel like I'm at that point. Something is off, and even though I think I know what it is, it pisses me off that that is what has pushed me over the edge. I'm better then that. I know I'm better then that. So why is it that I feel so shelled out?
Recently had an encounter that just set my teeth so on edge. The petty, whining, manipulating CRAP that this girl was spewing made me want to grab her by the throat and rip her back molars out with my bare hands. Cry about that, you self-centered idiot.
Are we all like that? God, I hope not. And that's what changed my mind. I won't be that. I refuse to be. If I ever start manipulating someone like that, raking them over the coals because I'm having a bad day, blaming them even though they had NO WAY of making my position better, badgering them with ridiculous guilt trips that make no bloody sense, I give my permission to grab me by the throat and rip my back molars with your bare hands. |
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So I wrote out a fantasy. One of my own, one I have had for years. And where reading it does a lot for me and I felt SO erotic writing it out... it hit me how vanilla it is compared to some of the others I have heard. Bondage, Dom/sub relationship, yeah it was in there, however when I read some of the other kinks that are out there, it still smacks me in the face how... plain it was. Does it mean that I don't fit in here? Am I too tame? Does this explain why I am a misfit? I'm not entirely sure what to think about it.
I find myself doing a lot of planning recently, and not usually things I can plan. I'm planning 7 or 8 steps in the future, skipping things that need to happen before I can get to those points. Maybe they call that day dreaming. Yeah, that sounds right. Is it possible to plan something you can't even touch at the moment?
Hmm. Apparently I am full of questions tonight. Sorry. Bad idea to put a keyboard in front of a girl with a free evening and a full head. They really shouldn't let people read these things. |
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A new year. Hmm. And I remember how sadly the last one passed. Lives change, people come and people go, some come in and make a change for the better, others for the worse. Accepting in new family members, and saying goodbye to some loved ones that have left us here on earth. One never knows what a year holds. We can make an educated guess, but the certain truth, the future, is always unknown to us.
I'm not sure where my heart is right now. I know it is happier then where is was at last new years, but that doesn't mean I'm any less confused and sometimes conflicted. A friend of mine had me write down three wishes last new years, a little ritual he does each year. I did it, and I know one of them came true, the second is improving, and the third came true in a way I never ever wanted it to. God works in strange ways. All I can do is try to better my position.
Yeah, call me cryptic again. Just the scrambled thoughts of a girl in a very awkward state of mind right now. |
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So much happens in the space of a year. I think back to where I was 12 months ago, and I laugh at myself. If you had told me then where I would be today, I would have punched you in the mouth and explained why you were so wrong. But I'm the one who was wrong. It dawned on me several weeks ago that I have become what I feared most... a working stiff. I dislike my job. No, that doesn't go deep enough. I deplore this job with every fiber of my being. I get up, I put in the 40 hours a week, I go home, sleep, and then do it again. It holds no good aspects for me. It is a paycheck and that is it. And I know this makes me a jerk, because I know SO MANY out of work people right now. It is a job and I should be happy with it. But when I can feel the negativity everyday growing into this palpable Being and starting to glare at me as soon as I step in that door every morning... I have to get out. I have to find something else and then one of the people I know who needs a job can have mine. There... that makes the world better, doesn't it?
Only two more days of work before I head for family Christmas. I'm actually counting down hours. 5 o'clock Tuesday is when the adventure begins. I can already start to feel happier when I think of those precious days with my family and the ties we will have. There really is something about this time of year that makes me take each moment and tuck it away, just so I can take it out later and hold it up to the light, to see those moments glisten and shine, to let them keep back the darkness of bleary days. Family is my rock. I wouldn't have it any other way. |
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My head is in a weird place tonight. I can't really explain it. Like there is too much and yet not enough. And it is hard to find the right way to get it out... as I sit here alone. My heart is somewhere else. Heart and head are in conflict, and yet bringing them to one choice won't absolve the feeling of... oddity.
For the first time in six months, I don't have to worry about where my rent is or whether or not I will be able to put food in my apt. And yet, I am still not happy. Everything is taken care of and yet there is still something missing.
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Doms, don't be surprised if I get a little pissed off at messages that start "Hey dumb cunt" or consist entirely of "Hi pig slut". Try a little effort, maybe even sentence structure and punctuation. Good grammar may be some sub's dream. You never know.
Until then, grow up. Being a Dom doesn't mean I automatically fall at your feet. I am a sub, but damn it, I'm still a lady.
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Should I come with a warning label? Should I have a sign that says 'Beware of inner bitch'? I feel like I hurt the people I care about, and I don't even know I'm doing it!
I hate doing this. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to make other people cry. I'm not like that! I swear! I hate seeing people cry and I hate knowing I'm the one who caused it.
Now, what usually happens in these situations, I won't talk to the person involved. I've already lost family that way and it makes me sick. I hate my life, I hate who I am, and I hate what I do.
Yeah, I'm whining and bitching, but this needs to get in to writing and out of my head. Writing helps.
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Hey Valentines Day... ,,l,, ,,l,,
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As my brother stated, and as an old friend confirmed; "Too much of a bitch for anyone to love."
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Another let down. I am starting to wonder if this lifestyle is really for me. I firmly believe that a submissive is someone to be loved, cherished, nurtured, taught, understood, and collared. Apparently the doms my age think a sub is just an easy piece of faceless fuckmeat that they can use and abuse. That they don't have a brain or hopes for a life or feelings.
I understand that I am a sub, but that doesn't mean I grovel at the feet of any dominant. I's sorry I'm difficult and I have standards. I'm not easy and I never have been. I'm sorry I'm human. I only want someone to look deeper inside and find out what I can really do, and I'm sorry if I don't fall at your feet when you say you will "feed me your meatstick" on our first meeting.
Is it wrong for a submissive to have standards? Is it ok for a dom to be high during a scene? Yeah, I get it, I'm new to all of this, but the only way I am going to know is by asking questions. And maybe that makes this lifestyle not the right fit for me. I don't know anymore and I just want to stup hurting.
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Things change. People change. We learn and we move on. Seems it is sometimes hard to do so.
A meeting with an old friend opened my eyes and made me realize a few things about a relationship I have. Well... used to have. Time spent is never time wasted, but it is the moment you finally realize that this won't work that makes you stop and think back. I know I am being cryptic, and believe me it is not because I mean to be all mysterious. Just the random thoughts falling out of my head at the moment. I'm having trouble putting it down, but it needs to happen.
One relationship ends or at least will never be the same. I can't think of him the same way. But another still thrives and I look forward to spending time with them tonight. I need a bit of healing. Something is wrong inside me.
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Well God damn, that took long enough! After a month of questioning, moving around, driving EVERYWHERE, and more then a little apprehension, I am finally in my own place! Indy is fabulous and I have already starting meeting people and making friends. Thank to those of you who helped out (you know who you are!).
So far, the place looks like hobo central. I don't have much right now, but the real furniture comes in a week, along with a visit from family, which will be nice. But maybe then I won't look like a jobless shifter who got their hands on an apartment.
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I finally got it! After weeks of apprehension and worry and nervousness, I now have my first job! I will be moving to Indianapolis next Wednesday and starting a job that is within my field of study, along with being completely awesome! I am more thrilled then I have been in a long time. I heard about it last night and am still living off the high! I can't get there soon enough!!
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Ever learning, ever exploring, ever expanding.
Sad that friends are a fickle thing. Some that you thing are untrustworthy and weak turn out to be the strong ones. And on the flip side, that some who have been there for years hit one speed bump and act as if you don't exist. One just needs to learn and talk and just bite the bullet. Yes, it sucks, but in the end you figure out who is going to stand by you when the shit hits the fan and who is going to puss out.
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Oh the ever-shifting happenings of my life! It simply boggles my mind from time to time. Last Thursday, the place I work announced that there is just not enough work for everyone. So instead of laying off some, they scaled back the hours of all, from 40 to 30. They no longer have a full time employee. They were kind enough to provide Unemployment information for everyone, but I instantly starting thinking I would need to find a second job.
Skip ahead about 12 hours, and I find myself with a group of kids going through a museum exhibit of replicas artifacts from King Tut's tomb with a group of kids. Ancient Egypt is kind of my thing. It has been my driving, consuming passion since I was 12 years old. I am going to school for it and already have to degrees to help me achieve that goal.
Our tour guide was good, but she was obviously just someone who was in charge of the exhibit. I wound up talking more then she did! The kids were asking questions, the adults were asking me things, and even the guide herself started asking questions, some her own and some that had been posed to her by other groups that she had had no answer for. I loved it! At the end of the tour, the guide took me aside, asked who I was, where I went to school, what I was doing for work, and if I would mind working there. She handed me a job application!
The space the museum is in is simply mind blowing. It is an old opera house, currently under restoration, and it will soon hold a full service restaurant. They plan on using the opera stage for theatre, musical groups, and other community events. The building also already holds the museum space, a coffee shop, gift shop, and rare book seller; all of which will stay in the building. This is my new favorite place on the planet.
So maybe not everything is looking bad. Maybe I just need to keep my eyes open and not be afraid to speak up every now and then. You never know; I may end up working my dream job!
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Getting a rejection letter from your grad school of choice... really really bites.
But hope springs eternal! After 24 hours of feeling like an absolute failure at life, a new course of action has presented itself, and it truly sounds ideal. Wish me luck in this pursuit!
Work full time, earn some money, pay off school, and earn a Masters of museum sciences at the same time? Hells yes!
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It still astounds me how some people can take the ups and downs of everyday life, the emotions of other people, and how others just can't. Criticism is a part of everyday life. It guides, it helps, other people tell you what they think, and you take that and add it to the information you have garnered from other people. You grow, you accept some of it, reject some of it, and Move. On. Move. Forward.
However, I do have a problem taking some of my own advice. I tend to dwell on things, hold on to them. And maybe that is a female thing. Not sure yet.
I still have a lot to learn from people. From one in particular. However, I do appreciate that some people can take the words I say and understand where they come from and how I mean them, instead of attaching their own meaning and only hearing what they want to hear. Take the time to know me, know that I can care deeply, and maybe we won't come to an impasse where we both end up bleeding and wounded on the inside, where no one can see and where the invisible scars are forever throbbing.
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Tragedy sometimes has the pleasant after affect of bringing people together. Even a supposed one. People find commonality, even people who have been through a rough relationship.
Why do we insist on hurting people, especially the people we care about most? It is possible to know that you care for someone, will always care for them, but yet still understand that on some level you aren't meant to be together. There is something off, something you can't name, and you have to end that perfect happiness that you found. And you both wind up sad, bitter, and pointing the finger.
The things we find saddest in life, also bring with them the change to make amends, get closer, and maybe repair some of those relationships that have fallen by the wayside. We just need to understand that sometimes tragedy gives us a chance. Maybe not a chance at that former happiness, but a chance to at least repair some of the damage that was done.
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Strange how things can turn around. But I am still learning and still trying to find my place in the world of BDSM. I know I still love it, still want it. But somethings have opened my eyes and made me much more careful with my heart.
How easy it would be if that perfectness that one feels at the start of a new relationship would last forever. If the first one you met was the one. But life isn't like that. And so we live, we love, and we learn who we are and what we need.
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I am girl.
I am little one.
I am no longer ignorant.
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Funny how a short amount of time spent with someone special can turn one's whole attitude around. I find myself looking forward co conversations, hoping to hear his voice, read what he has to say. I'm such a sap.
It still makes me sad when people only identify themselves through having a relationship with someone else. I know so many girls (and a few guys) that only find their worth when they are with That Special Someone. Come on people. You should feel special about yourself even when no one is around.
I'm able to be alone without being lonely. I'm happy being single, but I'm also happy with where I am right now. There is happiness in both circumstances. You just have to find it.
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Wishing all of you a happy, safe, wonderful Christmas season. May 2009 be a year of joy and happiness... and more then a little kink!
And say a prayer! My grad school application is in!!
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Some times it hurts... and not the good hurt that so many on this site are looking for. Sometimes people don't understand, or close their minds. Sometimes they stop talking and leave you alone to figure out the mess. Sometimes you want to hug them and thank them, but they have stopped listening to you.
And sometimes... I just want to stop crying about it.
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So as I sit here, snowed in and listening to the radio as shops and businesses close, I can't help but be annoyed by some of the messages I have been getting from people. I get that I am a sub. I accept that. That doesn't make me a doormat! Jeez. And a little effort goes a long way, guys! Seriously. A girl loves to read something a little bit longer then 5-10 words. And punctuation tells a gal that you at least know the English language.
Effort is appreciated.
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Hmm. Well, here goes nothing. Finally bit the bullet and joined the damned thing. Thank God. About time I had an outlet for my darker side. I was getting sick of it beating around my head, trying in vain to get out for so long. Well, now it has an out.
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| Age: 31 |
| Buffalo,
New York |
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