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I seek One who understands what exchanging of power really is, and knows that it is not one sided and there is responsibilities on both sides. I want to find someone I can be real with and will respect my honesty and openness in this life and can still be someone I can be seen around in the everyday world.

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5/25/2022 9:28:59 AM

Last Night i Needed Daddy!

 

What are we called? This day and age we often worry about what pronouns we use, but for years people would give me a look for my reaction to being called Mrs when i never took that on. Maybe i appear rude when i'd not so kindly say, "Ms; Mrs was my mother" but…

 

Is this any different than how we are addressed in our personal lives or in this life? When i first met one i call Master, we sat down for coffee and talked for over 2 hours a lot about our own perceptions of this life. In some ways it was very different and in other ways very much the same. It came down to titles. Never have i felt right calling anyone Sir outside of play, meaning anyone i was personally involved with. To me Sir or Ma'am is as appropriate for play in the Dungeon or talking with someone in a grocery store. Very impersonal. You don't  just call someone Master after coffee and a 2 hour talk even it progressed to 3-4 hours of… for me Daddy was where to start until learned more of where this dynamic would progress and to trust.

 

There have been many ups and DOWNS in our dynamic and right now it feels right. The trust, willingness to let go and be owned feels right. When last night i admitted to Master,  "i almost said Daddy… doll needs Daddy." Master knew i needed Daddy and that was who was there.


1/15/2018 7:43:28 PM
I don't feel comfortable when made to feel like your sneaking around to meet with them. When you feel like they can't be real with you and you are being made to feel like you are part of an unrealistic fantasy and all you long to be is real and honest... And that is what I am.

10/15/2017 6:11:42 PM
I can't wait any longer. Gave it a go... But if You planned to be part of a power exchange, you have give to get... Not sit and wait with no communication or expectation.

8/25/2017 10:35:29 AM
Disappointment... Beautiful day but.

8/1/2017 6:41:59 PM
Need to put this back on top... Reminder of what to think about. For anyone in my position, trust is paramount. Right now the only one I can trust is myself. A lot has happened over past few years and it changed me. I am only one who can make changes to reverse anything and get back on track. That is primary focus. Anything else is secondary until this routine kicks in. That includes trying to build back trust in a relationship where trust was once broken. It isn't about being selfish it's about making myself whole or full; then I might be worthy of M/s relationship.

7/18/2017 1:38:48 PM
Back from meeting with Daddy, feel used and dirty which is a good thing as that's what Daddy wants. He started with playing with His bitch. Can still feel how empty bitch's ass is no longer filled with a rather large dialator with a tail attached. Gone now but will be back in next time this fuck toy goes out in public. After playing a while with His bitch; when she was done wagging tail, licking Daddy's face and head, Daddy wanted to use his fucktoy. Not going to go into all of it, just go back and read first sentence. All his holes feel good and used... Two just empty but most used is mouth. Good to just be quiet and let it rest. Have work to do on both our sides but want to give it a chance, working on being open and honest with each other. Seems strange to jump right from talking about play to this but the other would not work without this.

7/17/2017 4:31:29 PM
Daddy's bitch is excited about training with him again. This has been tough going and not sure we are there again but bitch is getting ready to meet with Daddy again tomorrow and see where it goes. Honesty is a must for this bitch to trust again and Daddy knows this and bitch knows she has to be honest and open to Daddy with words not just body. So will see... Till then sitting here writing enjoying new toy... With bell and feel of training collar and lead that Daddy will take hold of tomorrow.

6/21/2017 3:46:33 PM
Have a friend who always said "never pick anything out of the penis pile," in other words if something has ended let it be. Can someone change? As much as I try and give everything a chance, it's hard to pick something back up for consideration, on either side. In ways that matter, I have not changed but superficially I have. More I think it gives me a headache. There was so much that just didn't happen even if I was told would try. Had too many expectations. Why out of the blue? Contact was out of the blue and from a 3rd party. If you want to throw in a red flag this did. Even the explanation wasn't all there and a bit vague. Most of what has been said sounds sincere but... Anyone who has been lied to, cheated on, or something has happened to deny trust know what that but is. Leaves me confused For anyone in my position, trust is paramount. Right now the only one I can trust is myself. A lot has happened over past few years and it changed me. I am only one who can make changes to reverse anything and get back on track. That is primary focus. Anything else is secondary until this routine kicks in. That includes trying to build back trust in a relationship where trust was once broken. It isn't about being selfish it's about making myself whole or full; then I might be worthy of M/s relationship.

1/16/2017 5:07:05 AM
Woke up this morning and my fingers went right to my cunt, already wet a finger circled my clit. Miss being wet and ready for Master.... pushing a couple fingers in me, I needed more. After putting the nipple extenders on and watching them grow to fill the tubes, I grab the glass dildo with two little parts that engage the clit and ride it till cum is dripping out of my cunt and down my leg. Taking it out, I replace it with a thick dildo and go back to sleep. ... waking up to my weekday alarm, dildo still in cunt I take it out and set it on pillow, it will be returned once I relieve myself. Stepping out the back door, I squat on the lawn and pee. Once back inside and dildo back in place, I sit down and move so that I can feel the fullness fill my cunt. Nipple extenders back on... need to find time today to fit my udders in the pump and have teets pulled... I need a Master.

12/28/2016 7:18:05 AM
It doesn't matter how long you've been out there, getting out there is still daunting. Trust is not easy and has to be earned, so suggestion to meet wearing a button-down shirt without a bra, when have only been exchanging mail for a matter of days, is greated with skepticism. Now might be we have meant in the past or talked in the past, if you really have been around for as long as you say. Sometimes it is nice to be once of those who gets away with not being recognized or rather one that blends in with the wall paper so you don't remember me being there. Then i get to think do i really want to go further with this?

It's hard to trust... and it's hard to not read deeper into what One posts in their profile and what One writes to you. In my case i have to doubt my judgement. i am good at finding those who don't have time for you,  dispite what they say. Maybe it is because i don't bother one at all hours of a day or ever if you don't contact me in weeks, you won't hear from me. That is something i learned ... well in a lost life ago. If you want me to contact you tell me or loose me, because lack of contact looses trust. 

Digressing again, i am sorry... do that often, how my mind works. Back to issue i started to write about. If going to meet lets meet and unless we have met before please don't have any expectations or expect me to follow order just over a brief conversation on here. Be open, if you can not, then don't expect me to trust or to go farther. Enough said for now.

12/26/2016 1:46:38 PM
Thinking ahead to the new year... I am not one to make resolutions but I am kind of looking forward to this new beginning. So spending rest of this week to think about what I want to work to this coming year.

1/22/2016 7:37:15 PM
This week has been too much. Family health issues, loss of a friend, paperwork and data crunching. My mind wants to explode and I just want to crawl up in a ball.

12/2/2015 4:58:58 PM
There is a reason Bulk mail goes to my bulk mailbox. It usually means the person lives a distance away and I would not consider exploring the relationship or is out of the age range I would be looking for. I sometimes deleted these messages without opening them. That isn't rude but you are if you respond with an inflammatory message that is rude. We do not sign up on here to respond to everyone who writes and just because you are outside what I look for does not make me a fake. Good luck.

9/26/2015 12:17:27 AM
Going to take ones absence as a sign of liberation. No closure but sometimes you have to accept thints for what they are. Want to move on and find place to serve, One with simular interests and outlook.

9/14/2015 8:45:01 AM
"Have I ever hurt you?" Why do we feel the need to lie to not hurt someones feelings or sensibilities until we really know the facts and can say "Yes You did!?" If we felt hurt by something they we were hurt by them right?

A few weeks ago, I was asked this exact question. I was torn as to what to say, part of me wanted to keep my head buried and hope what i had been feeling was not true and things were magically just going to work out. Life does not work that way. Part of me was also afraid of saying yes you have hurt me because then I would feel compelled to confront then with what has been in the back of my mind for a LONG time. I am not good at confrontation, will admit that.

People have been telling me my whole life to "take off my rose colored glasses." Not sure why I felt it was safer to keep them on and think people all have some good in them. I am sure they do but when you hurt it gets harder to see that good. Without the glasses, I guess I am worried that I will be forced not to be my authentic self and dumped into a world where you have to lie and live untruths. That isn't me. The most I can lie about is The question at the top of this writing. Things that I leave unanswered, because then its not a lie just not said, or switch it around until I answer that it must be just me that perceiving you hurt me and I will work it out.

Sometimes I really hate the human race and just want to hide until I don't feel that way anymore. It hurts me to hate, that is not in my nature either.


9/5/2015 6:50:03 PM
How does everyone else break with what is not working or what is holding you back? If you beleive your being lied to do you go for proof or trust your instincts. Hard to hold onto any trust that had at one time.

8/22/2015 2:00:29 PM
How much can you say without being a bother.This week I would have been overjoyed with just a "hello, how are things." Always think bigger than anything would be, and this summer was no different. When wishing for a hello is a bigger wish than what reality hands you. When it's too much when you ask "please keep in touch" ...

7/31/2015 12:06:37 PM
Seems I often write about the moon or at the moon, life is ciclical but truth be told, I am tired of going round in these circles. So my thoughs, or what was i thinking when i posted a primary photo, that is not what I normally would put up there. Figured i could do something like this once in a blue moon. Why... when my mind has a chance to slow down, i rumate. You are here chewing on cud you chewed before; problem is it doesn't taste any better 2nd time around. Should have spit it out, becasue unlike a cow I didn't need to chew somethign twice to know it wasn't going to change.
Have written the why a hucow post long ago. It isn't something i seek all the time, because i need to fly too but there is something about being the cow that is brings out more of the feminine in me than shifting into any other shape. Posting that picture, on the Blue Moon Eve, i felt like the cow. Standing in a stantion as others walked by. Some made comments others just looked. ?A cow can ignore what she chooses, this barn did not belong to any of the Farmers that wrote or looked. Cow could choose not to respond or react, she was just exposed.?
Sometimes all you need is to be exposed, layed open to what is there. Some of the attention you don't mind, some you just think, please no. I can't see standing as a cow forever, there is more to me and i do not wish to explore just one side of me and ignore the rest. With someone who understood the cow, it might be different. ?

7/26/2015 6:34:56 PM
I can NOT respect anyone who steals one of my photos. 

7/7/2015 7:38:16 AM
For many moons I was known as descendingmoon. I never hid behind a different name, was open and HONEST about the name change and yes it bothered me when I would see a new profile for someone who said they had had it with this site. I do not regret the choice I made when I morphed into gyrfalco. Some days I want nothing more than to soar and other days I yearn for silence and time to sit still and reflect and when I met you I really could soar. For the past few moons I have sat in that silence with no direction, feeling empty and abandoned. Longing to soar but not being given the chance except maybe when I woke up to a text message in the middle of the night. Always found it odd when you did contact me and your last texts to me confirmed what I felt the last few times you did contact me. I can take a step back and listen as a friend but that was not what I was looking for in this. Is there hard feelings? Yes some but knew when you contacted me almost a year ago after a long absence from anything, that it would be more of the same. Hope someday you can be honest about things.

1/1/2015 5:57:33 PM
Happy New Year! It's they day when you get all these inspirational emails and read about how to keep your resolutions. Last year I did make a resolution to try and listen better. I had thought I had, then feeling sorry for myself on Christmas Eve, I was chating with an old friend and put words to what I was hearing and how things were making me feel. Ever think you wanted something to work so much that you gloss over what your really hearing. 

Apparently I didn't want to really listen to it all until I tried to describe to someone else why I was feeling the way I was. I was trying to make myself be heard and not listening when they said something that did make my stomach turn a little bit. Two New Years ago I was happy with the time did have and trying to forget the times things were canceled at the last minute or when communication stopped for periods of time.

Eventually communication slowed to a stand still, and there was never time. As far as I felt it was over and part of why last years resolution came about was because I said I needed to listen better and let go. It was a new beginnining Then out of the blue, who messages me. It was more when. Had emergency surgury this fall. I was ready to hear what I wanted to and ignore or gloss over the rest.

I realy have to thank the one who listened to me Christmas Eve night. Now I want that new beginning I thought I began on last new years. I don't have expectations and know there is a lot I still can work on personally, but I want to be open to what is out there. So again Happy NEW Year.

4/22/2014 8:05:42 PM

I don't ask for anything, it doesn't seam right, however is it right not to ask? I don't expect anything and would never put that on anyone but is it fair to never expect something? Try not to want, that is selfish but that is hard , still what good does it do?


12/31/2013 6:23:38 PM

A year ago, I was hopeful. Looking back I can say the last quarter in 2012 should have prepare me for what would take place or rather not take place in 2013. I could go back over the red flags I saw prior to 2013, but I didn't want to believe them. Then New YEArs 2013. Doing about what I will be doing this night, had no expectations but a message at midnight increased my hope for the new year.

That was short lived...

Why bring this up it is long over least as much as something that never was ended could be over? Well it is a new year, a new year that begins tomorrow, with a new moon in Capricorn. For those of you who know me, you know that I don't wish for a lot. I worry about what i need and getting that, but learned that even those are not a lot. New Moon Meditations are probably the only time I acknowledge those things I want to mani. This moon is a super moon, there are many things happening in the universe and in my life and I want to make sure this fertile earthy ground, that begins this new year is cleared out and I leave behind last year and all the muck. Things don't grow well in muddy ground... okay I am not looking at growing rice, but I want things to grow that does not thrive well is mold grows on its roots.

So no tonight I am not making resolutions. There are things I need to do and get settled but they just have to be. Tomorrow morning, after the time that the new moon arrives, I will meditate on what i want mani this year. Tonight I am just going to sit and enjoy the warm fire and think about what that is and leave behind all the rest. It's overdue and needs to go. When I think about it I am reminded of that clown commercial... Yea it needs to go. CLOWNS... I need to box it and ship it out so open for the new year. No blame, it just is what it is and I wish all well and hope everyones wishes for the new year come true.

 


9/29/2013 5:43:07 AM

When you look up why we have birthday cakes and candles on them, they say the Greeks started it all and the cake... a circle in honor of the Goddess Artemis, the candles to reflect the light back on it. Since i was a child was told to make a wish and try and blow out the candles, why, well the ancients had something about that to; when you blow them out there is a moment where you see a stream of smoke and in that smoke your wishes are carried up to the gods... as long as you make sure you blow out all your candles... right. Forgot, you can't tell anyone what you wished for, or your wish will never come true, even if you did blow out them all.

Well then they invented trick candles. Now even if you have enough air compacity to blow out the candles on your cake, and you keep quiet about what you wish for, still have a chance to loose all you wish for, all you need is someone to play the trickster and put those awful trick candles on your cake and you can't ever really blow them out. Stick a little magnesium in the wick and walla... wishes fall flat again.

Keep thinking if i don't put too many expectations out there, yes i do have them, just what good does it do when they fall short or someone sticks the trick candles on your Birthday cake. Okay i am anticipating the trick candles, will have a few hours before know how bad the day really will end up  being, but judging by what has been said or what hasn't been, not seeing it as anything but another day to get through.... but YES i have wishes and i don't deserve trick candles again.


7/26/2013 4:24:20 PM

What do i have to wish for?... LOTS. Not that i haven't been thankful for what i do have and i am not one to ask for the moon. In fact. i am not sure i have ever asked anyone for anything; it doesn't seem right, or fair to them. Like i should be glad with what i do get and if the Universe says i don't need it accept that. THAT IS JUST NOT RIGHT, or fair, but again i don't have a right to complain. Maybe i am asking too much, even though i am not sure what i have been asking.

 

Why think about this now; well maybe because my work life is in order and a whole lot of stress is off my shoulders, maybe because i am leading a group in reading and working through a book on creating on purpose and i don't just want to impart the meaning of manifesting through the chakras to them, but i want it to work for me. I want to create what i want for a change and not just give of myself, what people may or may not want or need, but you don't tell me i will i know?

 

Is it wrong to want something?


8/10/2012 12:38:21 PM

I am starting not to like rainy Friday's Daddy, but rather than look at the down side to them, i am thinking of how much patience it is teaching me... and how i don't have to obsess over time. How is that for being positive? Could say more but i am a lady.:)


8/1/2012 5:17:49 PM

Several hours later and i am still floating... Thank you Daddy. You said something today that i am thinking about, and no i wasn't thinking it earlier so couldn't tell you then... it was about one who Mastered me before didn't really control me and your right Daddy. I love truely giving up that control to another and for that i thank you!


6/19/2012 6:48:08 PM

New Moon and Summer Solstice is upon us. Tonight is the shortest darkest night of the year and an auspicious time to make those wishes for yourself. A bit more about this moon and it's Militant Housewife feel... If what you want to accomplish takes a active mind and a strong will, this is the time to get it done. Time when being rebellious under restraint might lead to a victory but not without some hardship. Have to weigh it's worth. Something i have been questioning a lot. Maybe it is time to stop rebelling and putting up willful walls.

 

May your wish come true!


6/11/2012 6:28:18 PM

What does it mean when you JUST can't say "Yes, i would like to watch my mouth being used to pleasure a Man" and you feel like you need to explain more? Ever want mind to just quiet down and listen? 


5/12/2012 5:56:48 AM

Do not close a window... keep it open for the possibilites

About a month ago, I opened a bedroom window and I haven't wanted to close it, no matter how cold or breezy it gets. It has been open to hear the rain and the thunder, the birds song in the mornings, a cry of a wild animal every now and then. How can you close off that?


5/6/2012 5:22:41 AM

Last night i had a conversation that has left me thinking. First they added a new dynamic to the type of Master/Dominant i look for. The realization that an Authoritarian Dominant has to content (as opposed to secure) in their ideals, brought this all to another dimention for me... So did their next question. Do i taint my own possibilites... YES. There are so many times when i wish that i had the courage to act differently and was not intimidated by the easy others around me have for showing their feelings or interest. It isn't fair to them to expect that someone will show interest first so that i know it is okay to show my interest. It isn't easier to stay neutral while others flirt with the one you might be with or want to be with. It is just lonely. Can you learn to flirt or is it something you are either born with or you just don't have it. Am i wasting my time and energy... and the time and energy of others, worring about such things? i know i am and want to stop myself from doing that but how? Maybe if i can make sense of the dream i woke up to, i will have my answer... it reflected so much of what i want to be able to happen, but things don't work that way.


3/17/2012 7:33:32 PM
Not sure i can go back to considering going forward, in a relationship where i fell for the consider yourself under consideration and unravelled as you changed what we talked about into something that made me put my back up and doubt if i could trust you... but i gave it another chance and ended up sitting in a DD then not hearing from you for weeks. A third chance, because we have simular interests and needs? i can not go back to being just a cow... and asking to go back and consider the rest, no matter how much a lot of that is what i am looking for, just doesn't seem right. Why is this so hard?

3/12/2012 6:06:49 PM

Wrote this in a discussion elsewhere... one about the word willing and how it is perceived. The one who started the discussion though the word left them flat. This was my thoughts: Willing is a selfish word to me. To me it makes me think of something i would compromise on and not truly give of myself for... be willing to do but is my mind or soul in it. I love the thought of craving, desiring, longing, and needing; just wish i knew how to open up to them without fear.


3/4/2012 1:14:21 PM

And people complain when you say you have a trust issue

Is it possible that the more open and trusting you are the more people violate that trust? Without shutting down is there any way to still remain yourself, open, positive and wanting to believe that people won’t always try and deceive you? Is there anyway you can not feel afraid of taking a chance, stepping out there and letting people see the real you?

Yesterday, i wrote in a post, that i am not everyones slave. Right now i am no ones slave but that does not make me any less of one. i still have that need to serve just no one i can trust to serve or if i feel i can trust them, either one or sometimes both of us know i am not the slave they are looking for. That i can accept

Sometimes i ask myself, am i putting too much on what i expect to see in a person. It doesn’t matter if i see them as a possible Master, a Dominant that i interact with, another slave, submissive or even just a friend. i personally don’t think it is wrong to expect all people to live up to some expectations, if your going to trust them. 

What ever happened to living up to your word? There have been numerous times i have been told that they would be there for you and thought i had a friend there to back me up, especially when they tell you you won’t be alone when you face one of your fears as stupid as it is. Am i too trusting and taken in when someone says to you they know how you feel about this fear and you don’t have to worry? i guess so either gullible or stupid for believing that. i don’t ask for anything but when it is offered and you accept that offer and then end up alone with the world closing in on you, is it any wonder your trust of people shuts down a little more?

 


3/4/2012 4:54:51 AM

Do not write in anger, that is a given, but it is worse to write when upset, sad and frustrated. That is not the same as writing in anger. You may think figured it out but all you did was to throw away your ability to stay positive and i do not feel to positive about myself now. The incident i wrote on was not positive nor was the person but i can't let it bring me down.


2/25/2012 4:19:31 AM
Read this this morning and it made me think a lot about what I encounter here and read from others: "do not waste your time in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good. (positive attitude)

2/6/2012 6:21:44 PM

Least i am going to try and adapt a new mantra: Expressing what I need is not selfish... There comes a time when we all have to try and change or accept what is or could be, insted of looking at what isn't and being worried that it won't be. So gotta try... Expressing what i need is not selfish!


12/24/2011 10:17:28 AM

Today is the time of the new moon in capricorn. A time to set new goals and strive to reach new heights. A time to wish on that moon and manifest your dreams. Many what you wish for come true.


12/11/2011 11:30:15 AM

Still have a ways to go, but i am happy with my new pics, how i feel and look. That is what it is all about right.


12/10/2011 1:05:40 PM

Ever want something so bad that the wish stays with you all your life? You hate to let go of it but things like this never come your way, no matter how hard you wish for it. Know it is a silly wish but also know that probably no one else here has never had to wish for what i am wishing for.


9/24/2011 4:54:12 PM

Life is full of ups and downs, positives and negatives, good and bad... so when you focus too much on the negative you defeating yourself. There were somethings today, i saw, that could have had me thinking again nothing was going right. I learned you can't wait for a response or a reply, what will be will be.

Now it feels great to do something positive, just don't ask me how much it is costing me cause i am trying not to look at the negative. Today was my day to set goals and do something I needed to do. It is amazing how when you do something like this you don't feel the pain you have been worrying about for weeks now. I am excited to begin this endeavor and it really is just for me.


9/20/2011 7:23:02 PM

Had someone write me about my journal entry about my name... It means a lot everytime someone really reads it. Someday my hope is that someone would unerstand it. Wild birds struggle to survive, captive birds have a better life and still they are allowed to be free and do what is natural to their nature... i need to fly, i need to be restrained, to live...

 

What i would love is to be restrained again without binds... that is the best feeling, you can't move just feel and you know One is in your mind... need that.


9/6/2011 2:03:44 AM

i have been told, that what i seek is impossible; yet what ever happened in beleiving yourself and what you beleive in? This summer, and for several years actually, i have been able to rethink how things have happened or haven't happened. Time to think about what i search for and what i need. After sharing a bit of my life with one Dominant, i had a chance to reflect on some of the thing that first drew me into this life. i have no answers as to what falls where on my list of what i need and what i can do without or is negotiable. 

i am conplex and if you cannot see that, then i am not going to feel comfortable with you, or be able to serve you.  i label myself as a slave, but i am not everyones slave. If your first contact with me doesn't attempt to get to know me, i perceive this as trollish and often will not even bother to respond. 

Some time ago, i wrote about why i choose my name and what i really need. It was a vision i had in a meditation and as kryptic as it sounded, it told exactly what i need (not want... only what i need). i envision a falconer, i can respect, trust and call master; who knows when i need to fly, be it as a symbolic bird, or a little girl. One who knows i will return to their fist, just like the bird my name describes. One who knows that as much as i need to fly, i can transform into many other forms. Those who know me, know my interests with things that will hold me down or being that basic creature that just needs to be of service.

 


8/19/2011 8:02:13 PM

Ever wish you could go back and learn how to do things you never learned when you were young? I am tired of listening to everyone knows how to do that, well no not everyone. Is it too late to learn? Part of me is trapped back as a teanager who was never let to be young yet never grew to learn all you need to learn at that age to be whole as an adult... Don't wan to go back want to go on.


8/10/2011 10:07:07 PM

About 18 hours ago, i woke up in a dream, feeling like i was secure with Daddie but there was nothing more than a phantom presance to comfort me.... more a memory but it was different. Can't point out the differences in words, but i knew it was different and what i needed... carried me through the day. Then tonight an old friend called and shattered that feeling. I can listen through the haze he was feeling but i could not see him as the Dominant he was trying to convince himself that he was. I wanted to say to him that he should not be doubting the label of "Switch" he uses on his profile but i kept quiet and listened, could not give more than that. 

I really do believe that the universe is talking to us and if we listen we can learn from it. I am glad i waited and listen for what more it had for me. Over the past 15 or so years, i have had a lot of experiences, both good and bad. The modified memory from Wednesday morning was a good one and one i had to think about again. I got my chance and thank the Universe and the person asking for giving me an outlet to get clarity. 

I needed to see and feel both the highs and lows to find my truth.

gyrl

 


7/25/2011 7:35:17 PM

Was sent something the other day that made me think back to my origional message when i first put up my profile. It made me feel like i had found myself again, and i thank that person emensely. No we hadn't talked in years and i really was not in a good place... i am now. So why am i letting it hold me back? After all "the Gyrofalco (gyrfalcon) is a noble bird kept by royalty. Fiercely independent but absolutely weded to her Master. Deadly to all others." 


7/11/2011 5:47:14 PM

Next time i feel like i did last night, i have to remind myself to get up and get moving. It is amazing how a couple hours at the gym can change your mood. It doesn't change things, still feel the same about everything, it i jut i feel invigorated like i can take on the world again.


7/10/2011 7:12:43 PM

Maybe it sounds crazy but right now, even though i haven't scened in what now is years nor have i felt any human touch in that time, what i really want to to just hear someone voice and know that they are there and listening. I have no expectation, realized long ago that i am not what anyone, whom i seek, seeks in a submissive or understands my nature as a slave. I can't go into discrete relationships because once in something i want to open up my emotions and trust and not stay closed and not fee and that is what you would have to. I am sorry but i can't just turn off what gets to me and take what is there.  I need to know they understand me and I them... long before i can even talk about what is it that i fantasize about or discuss if i could or couldn't be bi or consider a poly relationship. 

To many , my disappointment is my own making. That may be so but how else do you react when what i creave to just to start by talking and hearing that voice and it never happens. You call back, like you said and they don't answer then they want you to call when your not around and don't find out about it until later and then when you hear from then there is no mention to call... must not meant to be, i understand... but it hurts. So communications is the wrong place to start. Just meet someone and play or wat ever it is they think they want to do is alright... most the ones i have met that try to drive home this addage seem to be looking for prostitutes that they might not have to pay for. Many are so UN-Dommly  that it it wasn't just so creepy it would be laughable.

Don't get me wrong, i have nothing against sex but if you can't get to my mind how do you think you can control me sexually. Just like i accept that many who have met me are not be interested in me, i am asking you to understand that there are some of you for whom i could never react to. I do no mean any disrespect but what i am looking for isn't there and i really do wish you success in searching for. Yes i have met several, for whom i felt i could submit to and quite possibly depending on how things went, even open myself up to being more than i feel i could be now, and i know i have made a botch of things. Never learned this art of seeking what you wish for and making it come true, have always felt that i had to settle with what was there and just deal.

I want to feel alive and react, in a way that i can grow in my potential in this life.


6/27/2011 7:28:25 PM

When you shout out into the night, does anyone hear? Can others remember things as you do? Are their memories images that keep replaying over and over in their mind? Does it matter to anyone that you remember?


6/26/2011 8:21:47 PM

Why at times does it seem that life is so cruel, when you know that what we need will come to us and everything happens for a reason? Sometimes it is hard to hold on to that.


6/11/2011 7:22:41 PM

Empty, that is how i feel but i know that i am far from empty, just filled with the wrong feelings.You want but know to have expectations hurts more, so you go throug life empty. You want to be happy and know what you need but it is wrong to ever ask for that, so you don't; even if you need it. It isn't right to put that on anyone else.


5/10/2011 8:00:48 PM

What does it take to get a good nights sleep? 


4/19/2011 1:47:24 PM

The last few days, i have been aching just for a hug. That is all we need sometimes. What do you do when there is no where to get one? You just want to stop the world for a moment and not worry about anything just feel. I truely beleive that everything we do or stive for has a reason and it isn't hard to understand whyi love rope or wearing a waist cincher or corset... it is that hug that isn't alway there when you need one. It is being held secure until everything staitens itself out. It always straitens itself out.

 


3/26/2011 7:26:56 PM

Today i was plagued by a cold that left me struggling to breathe. i longed for the feel of a hand rubbing my back and thought of how that could be as meaningful as the thud of a flogger would have been to get all that bile inside you moving.... isn't that the way it is with life?


3/18/2011 6:06:07 PM

i so need to just hear a voice... stong and directive, yet trustworthy and honest. Don't ask for too much right? i need to feel rope holding me secure; restained, imobile yet not left alone... leave me alone and you would loose me right now. Been alone for too long. It is hard to ssay i have no exppectations, but i try. keep telling myself it i better that way, hurts less when you don't meet anothers expectations. Their till there... the expectations that is. Doesn't matter that you know you don't measure up to their expectations, you hope and try not to show it. Sometimes i just whis i had some place to go. It was great to at least see people and talk about these interests, once in a while, even if you knew that you weren't wanted. Where do you go from here? A while back, i made the resolution to call, talk, communicate but you don't bother people right so who can you talk to? It is a viscious spiral (not just a circle). All it would have taken was a message to give them a call and i was looking forward to that but it never came. I can fit is tight spots or wrap myself if rope, cinch a corset or the like but it isn't the same. When there is no voice you get nothing out of it and it isn't benefitting anyone else so why bother, isn't that the real reason why things matter?


2/22/2011 4:40:19 PM

I am not sure who to respond to or anything anymore... Lets see, have been told he is still looking and i know where to contact him, yet someone else has his name on her profile... don't do that. then there are the many active profiles that read too much alike. What do you believe? Yes i want to beleive in something, but with things like it is that has become hard to do.


2/6/2011 6:14:39 AM

Know many who read their daily astology predictions, for their sign, in the news paper or online. I may look at the the significance of where the stars and planets are aligned but it is only a guide. Though i could be described as someone who typically shows signs of being a libra with leo rising, a moon in sagitarious, and a venus in venus with the aspect of aquarious... but what does that mean unless we never interact against others. Someimes i see too much of all that and i have to remind myself that i am shutting out the rest of the world. I try hard to open up but sometimes it is too much and I can't seem to do it right and frustrate myself and those trying to get close to me. I read this about a particular planatary aspect that we are all going through now:"It reminds us that sometimes more than love's blindness is required in order for us to fully relizw our riches and the value of what we care about most." (celestial forecaster) What this means is diferent for each of us, what does it mean to you? -gyrl


1/28/2011 1:21:08 AM

Today I read about the need to affirm and visualize that in your life wich you want to see thrive and grow, so that is how i will begin my day and weekend.


1/27/2011 11:14:07 AM

A couple of day ago, Saturn went into retrograde, in Libra. When I read the following, in The Celestial Forecaster, it really gave me cause to step back and think about what it means to me: “For some folks, this will be a time of completion, of ending the treadmill of old cycles, and of learning to let others take responsibility for themselves… It may be difficult, although not impossible; to begin new endeavors that require structure and investment of time and commitment…We may be haunted by unresolved problems of the past that could dominate the stage.” A few days before Saturn turned backwards, okay around New Year’s but it wasn’t a resolution thing, I had made the decision to try again to get a hand on some of my insecurities, so difficult but not impossible huh?

 


1/23/2011 6:55:31 PM

Love winter, just hate the cold. Can understand why people don't like the cold. Tonight, as i stoked the woodstove up, i throught about the differernce between that and the wind and bitter cold temeratures as the sun went in tonight. Sometimes i feel like the bitter cold and long to burn like the wood i put in the stove. Least the peices i found to put on, before i came to bed were seasoned but solid enough, that they will burn for some time. I don't want to be like kindling, lights fast and burns out quick, but green wood isn't the way to be either... hard to light, and while it may burn longer, it also may burn out without warning too.  It is frustrating being so cold when your really not,it is just you don't know how to be warm.


1/18/2011 4:04:07 PM

AWARENESS: knowing, realizing, conscious, informed. Doesn't seem to be that bad of a word but one that was given to me as a gift this year to find out what it means for me. There is also an obsolete definition of it that i find myself identifying with, though i think i would rather not... and that is "on ones guard." After i was given the word, i remembered a phone conversation i had only had days earlier. Think i was more cognizant and aware at that moment then i had been in a long time. For once i did not feel like i was on my guard and truly enjoyed talking. Conversation scares me at times... but not that afternoon. So much in life puts us on our guard but i want to try and be more aware. 


1/1/2011 6:41:10 PM

Read a quote, that says my wishes for everyone, in the New Year, better than any words i can come up with: Hope it resonates with you and the New Year brings you the opportunities you are looking for: We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Years Day. - Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Yesterday, when i posted this elsewhere, an old friend reminded me of how optimistic i was. Want to be that way again. Know it is in me so going to try. i learned long ago to appreciate all that is given to us in this life and that i do, just have to learn not to get held up on opportunities missed and listen to the messages i receive. The message often gets repeated. If you feel pleasure in a improptu phone call, and others messages are about you not communicating and their worry about that, you have to listen to that. 

There is so far to go and have to set goals to get there... that is my next task.

-gyrl


11/28/2010 6:07:56 PM

Came across something i wrote back in 2006... was about a dream four years earlier... so here it is 4 years later and it says all i am looking for. Forgot about this:

She wants to fly; within limits of course. There was this waking dream/meditation a while back, where she flew, she wanted to. The meditation was to take her to her heart and she saw it; never had a more visual waking dream. It was beautiful and green, walking in a very peaceful place; she shed her clothes raising her arms, she rose spiraling upward. It was a beautiful view from that high up (she is terrified of heights wasn’t sure what was making her feel comfortable flying). When she looked she had wings, but she had shifted to a small song bird but to a great white molted bird. Her sight was vast, she noticed everything large to small.

It was peaceful to just fly or glide along so high above everything; to sweep in landing high in the highest places. At some point she heard the bell attached and could feel jesses on her ankles. She knew it was time to land to come home the oak not far from the road was where she was flying to but not where she landed. As the dream/meditation drew to a close she was home on the gloved arm; hooded and leashed till she could fly again

 


11/28/2010 2:30:47 PM

Feel i should clarify, why i wrote the other day. It was more out of frustration with life as it is right now and a lot of it was a reaction to an email, i had received, from a Dominant who had written me sometime ago. Early last spring to be exact and then wrote me again last week. I maybe alone but i am not the desperate kind of person that is going to jump at a command to call them, despite what they may have said or done to me in the past. No one hear should have to take that. 

I thank the ones who emailed me, with encouraging words but for every encouraging email there is one from a naysayer or hypocrite, who i have to question how secure they are with themselves when they some of my preferences too personally. We all have preferences. I don't hold it against anyone if they are looking for a petite slave or submissive or a poly/bi slave or submissive. Why should they hold it against me when i simply state a fact. It would not be a benefit to them if i was to act on a lie, so accept that. i don't think any less of anyone because they don't have the same interests and the same sentence, i need to state that i can not change my interests to match theirs. I do, however, loose all respect for someone who is not secure enough to accept my preferences and try and belittle me, by saying they will sit and watch me flounder because I will not change my mind on exploring a poly relationship or seeing a married or attached Dom.

If someone says they are not interested in these types of relationships, isn't saying that they think less of them. I have a great many friends for whom this works and i admire them and they understand that it would not be fair to either me or them if i was to embark on this type of relationship. i seek a relationship with a single dominant because i know i could not get my mind to accept being part of a poly one, not because your poly and there is anything wrong with you. 

Yes i feel like i am missing out on a lot sometimes and i know i have a lot to offer a relationship but i also know that many are not looking for someone like me. i would not try and change your choices in what your looking for so please respect mine. Single Dominant, at least within a reasonable distance and around my own age. Is that asking too much and being too picky?

 


11/23/2010 2:19:44 PM

Have not written in a while... not a lot to write about or not a lot that is pleasant. Been told often enough that you can't give up on hopeing and everyone has something they wish for, just not sure that is true anymore. Probably should stop here. Last spring i had hopes that didn't pan out and then held on to other hopes through the summer and nope nothing there... and mean nothing not even a meeting. i did all i could in both cases... not i get a message "call me." Yea right...  love it how many assume everyone is so desperate here they are going to fall in with what you want.


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