"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - from Marianne Williamson's book, A Return To Love

oooh, ive just realised something.  ive turned right around and ive started at the begining again, cept it isnt the begining, its just the begining of my next chapter. 

im not at all new, but i feel new. 

ive also realised that i dont fit any slot here, i dont belong to any particular grouping of type and i dont wish to. 

maybe what happens is that you go through the whole process of submission and learning how to, how to accept youreself and how to let go, how to understand Dominants and how to be true to the inner core of what matters. 

its easy to lose sight of those things as you rush headlong into all of this.  eager to belong, eager to earn youre label, eager to prove to youreself and everyone else that you really do belong, that you really are a fully paid up member of ....... whatever this is. 

of course that ends up being bollox, but not at the time, at the time its highly necessary and very important to go through the hoops, bloops, fuck ups, get it right then get it wrong.  test youre resolve and end up on the kitchen floor with a bottle of booze and a half written tear stained letter to youreself.  its all part of it, well it was for me.  might be again, but i dont think so - im way too aware of who i am now and of the various places that i belong. 

the really fabulous part to all of this is that now that i know i am this wonderful, amazing, beautiful submissive woman who can give her all, expose her heart, be as vulnerable as an oyster with its shell wide open i have reached a point where it doesnt matter what i am, who i am, where i fit or even if i do.  what matters is that ive arrived at last and i know who i am and i know what i am and i know that my career as a submissive woman from this point forward will only get stronger, fuller, deeper and happier...... 

bizarrely most of this journey ive done alone - funny that.  ive been steered right by one or two amazing men, ive been delved into and dug out and exposed to myself and to them.  but mostly ive done this on my own. 

so, when someone says to you 'dont question why you submit, it doesnt matter'  i would heartily disagree with them.  it does matter why, it matters alot.  you have to explore those feelings, needs, symptoms, frustrations, urges, dreams and fantasies.  you have to push youre parameters until you finally realise that there is no limit to who you are and the parameters stop surrounding you.  in the end you expand into the universe and become insignificant - i think to be part of the kaliedascope we come from is our ultimate goal as souls moving and shaping, shifting and changing until we just belong where we are with who we are and can just enjoy the colours as they change and merge.

self acceptance is where its at ultimately and with that comes absolute freedom because nothing more matters beyond that state.  if you think about it, what else is there that holds us back and prevents us from taking a chance.  self doubt, inhibition, fear, re-dredging the past, fearing the future - when you hit self acceptance all of that slips away and then you can be who you really want to be.