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marajade

marajade - photo 4

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Friends:
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Master has collared and re-named me - aya. It is a name that has many meanings depending on the language and origin that Y/you read. The most important one though is the Japanese meaning for which it was chosen - "design". For i am of His design. When He met me, all the pieces of the mosaic were there but He re-arranged and built the design for His purpose. It is still me - the same pieces but designed for Him and much stronger as well. \./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.\./.


i enjoy meeting people in the flesh! i like to make real friends so i get to know what Y/your idiosyncrasies are and am able to understand Y/your written messages better. After all 80% of O/our communication is through body language. Apart from that, it keeps things real for everyone. In the flesh is where the real interaction takes place. Online has proven to be fantasy and unrealistic for me. If that is what floats your boat then great! It isn't for me though.
If You are still reading - lol - then the rest may be of interest to You. Hope to hear from You soon.

What am i looking for? Friends only. In a friend i look for substance and quality - In other words you must be real and honest.

i have a Master to whom i am incredibly loyal. Please don't insult either of U/us by asking me to play with You.

Who am i? i am a submissive, a natural submissive. It does not mean that i am a doormat, i have a brain, and i use it.

i love having dinner with good wine and intellectual conversation. The One who is right for me needs to be able to hold stimulating conversation outside of scene and completely dominate me in scene - Thankfully Master does that extremely well!

i love pretty much all kinds of activities and the ones i haven't tried i am willing to give it a go - at least twice - LOL. Saying that, i do have a few hard limits - scat, receiving watersports, and kids.

i have the unfortunate disposition of having a reasonably quick wit and good sense of humour - sometimes which gets me into trouble!

Please drop me a line if you wish to chat and exchange ideas and stories. i look forward to hearing from you soon.

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10/3/2013 4:10:39 AM

Thank Y/you xo

 

To say this year has been hard is a gross understatement. my family and i have had to deal with more than the average bear should ever have to in one lifetime, let alone a year. Dealing with devastation and loss that is simply mind-blowing and gut-wrenching.

There were more than just a few days when i didn't think i could cope with any more. Days when i just wanted to hide away from the world under a rock. Days where the tears would flow unbidden. Days where i deliberately turned off my phone and stayed away from E/everyone as dealing with people is something i couldn't do some days.

my focus had to turn from D/s and kink to my children and survival.

As another "event" found it's way into the mess, i stumbled onto this quote which had given me strength and inspiration.

 

"There are days when i think i can't simply endure any more. On these days, i like to remind myself that my track record for dealing with bad days is 100% and that is pretty good!"


It has put a whole new light on my life. :)

 

The end of the journey through some these horrible events is looming. Relief and peace is starting to settle into O/our lives. Normality is returning.

i have learnt so many things about myself and about life this year. i am wiser for it, more cynical, less trusting of others and of myself but also more appreciative of the important and special things in my life.

 

One of the most important things i learnt was about friendship.


i am blessed to have so many devoted, true, supportive, patient and loving friends. T/they have been there to listen, to hug, to entertain, to distract, to provide words of wisdom, to leave me alone when i needed it, to pull me back to the world when it was also needed, to bring me coffee, chocolate and magazines, to send love and healing thoughts from the other side of the country or world, and have been very patient with a very unsure submissive/person/mother while she rebuilds her life and that of her family.

Words cannot describe the depth of gratitude and love i feel for these people and saying thank Y/you doesn't seem enough.
i'm going to say it anyway though.

Thank Y/you xoxo

For my Master:

i don't know where to start.

Without You there by my side, i doubt i would have made it though this far as in tact as i am. i know i have been difficult to handle at times, moody and quite un-submissive-like some days. i also know there is still a little ways to go and i will do my best to serve You and make You proud of Your loving submissive.
xoxo


4/30/2013 6:58:59 PM

Home alone and bored! :( 

i don't like being sick - it leaves me with nothing to do! 


1/27/2013 9:01:08 PM

OUCH!

 

Feeling a little sore this morning. Hehehe - love it!


12/27/2012 10:58:32 PM

Newcastle Social Munch

 

i have been running Munches in Newcastle for over three years now.

If Y/you are interested in attending one, please send me a message.

They are always on the last weekend of the month.

The next one is on December 29th.


9/14/2012 3:49:11 AM

The Most Amazing Feeling in the World!



Master's instructions over the years have slowly edged from only in scene, to tasks outside of scene, to simple things while W/we are out together, to some aspects of my life that i had little/control over (ie chocolate), to bigger things in my vanilla life.

 

Tonight, He gave such a simple instruction - i was to only go as far as Singleton to get a picture for a scavenger hunt we are having at work. He didn't want me travelling 2.5 hours north to get pictures in Taree.

 

i got off the phone and didn't think anything of it. Then about 5 minutes ago, i realised just how much of my life, He has a say in what i do.

 

i thought to myself, "Wow" and a smile crept onto my face and into my heart.

 

Then i thought about a comment one of the girls at work made today. She thought it was a bit funny that even after more than four years, i still get "mushy" and excited about Thursday night date night and come to work on Friday morning with a massive smile on my face over spending a few hours having coffee with Him.

 

Then the smile on my face widened and my heart swelled with joy.

 

Knowing i have Him to turn to, knowing that i am here for Him to turn to, knowing that i can give it all over to Him, knowing that i can love Him with every fibre of my being and knowing that i am loved and cared for with no strings attached it is simply...

THE MOST AMAZING FEELING IN THE WORLD!


7/28/2012 3:43:41 AM

Just home alone - very bored tonight - sigh . . .


1/25/2012 6:00:24 PM

There are moments in this life where one sits back and reflects. Reflects upon the past, what was, what has been and to come to an understanding of just how far one has travelled.

Reflection was once something i could never do. To look in the mirror of my past - impossible.

i believed the mirror was shattered, i couldn't go back there. Only, it wasn't the mirror that was broken, it was me.

He has patiently put the pieces back together, rearranging and giving strength where He knew it was needed, to build a better stonger me. Most of all He gave time a chance to let the glue dry, so to speak. There are still a few cracks and a few missing shards but i am here, whole again, looking into the mirror that is me and my past.

i see how far i have come. i see how strong i am. i know i am ready to deal with what lies ahead and to face the demons of my past.

To Him, i will be forever grateful and i know He is proud of His achievements - i know He is proud of me.


11/29/2011 1:07:39 AM

24th November will always forevermore be an incredibly special day for me. 

For on this day, Master collared and renamed me.

 

i have been "marajade" for so long now it feels strange to look at a new name and to hear the new name. i have served several Masters and Mistresses under this name and it has served me well.

 

Now it is time for change.

 

i have been reborn and now "aya" (pronounced Eye-ah) will start fresh with a collar she was never expecting from her Master whom she loves and adores.

 

Never has a collar meant so much to me- never has the choice of a name meant so much to me - never has someone meant so much to me. i am of His design.

 

Thank You Master.
xo


10/18/2011 4:14:17 AM

Bliss - Pure Bliss

 This last weekend was just amazing!

 It started on Friday with my cousin's wedding. Yes, it was a Friday wedding.
Master was ready early! WooHoo! LOL - submissive was late by seven minutes though :) He look smashing in His suit and my heart was all fluttery. He smelled good too - it made my knees all weak!

This was the first vanilla family event that i had taken Master to and to say that i was nervous is a gross understatement. He and i have been together for a number of years and this is the first time He was officially recognised as my partner by my family - they named Him on the wedding invite. It was a good thing they did because i don't think i would have had the courage to ask Him - actually the thought of not telling Him about the wedding did fleetingly cross my mind - fleeting thought but ashamedly it was there.

i was so glad He was there. He got to see my family at it's best and given the size of my family, He was able to see them all at once! :)

Then Master showed me something amazing!

He danced with me.

He did more than that - He came from the other side of the room to take my hand and lead me to the dance floor. He made me feel like a special lady. This in itself was unexpected as Master has repeatedly told me over the years that He doesn't dance. i did bring this up when W/we discussed the wedding some months ago but i honestly didn't expect for it to happen.

Then W/we danced. He led me around the floor with style and grace. He can really dance and i mean HE CAN DANCE!!!! All my girlish dreams came true that night - my dashing prince came, led me to the floor, danced, i was able to rest my head on His chest and just follow.

W/we went back to His place afterwards and left for Kinky Farm the next morning. The plan was to arrive early in the daylight hours so W/we could see to set the tent up and get organised.

LOL - i think in all the setting up i frustrated Master :) He almost yelled at me at some point as i either wasn't listening or didn't understand what He was telling me. Then Master put me to bed to have a much needed nap.

missy and i had fun getting rid of each others hair and doing make-up and getting all ready for the fun that night!

Kinky Farm was brilliant as always!
i was trying to be on my subby best and Master said i made Him proud. i think being in such a subby state of mind for an extended period before W/we played mean finding sub-space during play was that much easier. When Master started with needles, a guarunteed sub-space finder, i just fell headlong into it. He whispered into my ears to not force, to just let it happen and i did.

Later that night i offered my favourite floggers to Master - two very different but very nasty pieces of equipment. One is a rope flogger, made by AngelAnne of HardCoreHeaven

. It is extremely heavy, extremely thick and packs a wallop. i honestly think Master could break a bone with it should He use it hard enough and long enough. When He wields this flogger, no matter where it is on my body, it reverberates throughout my entire being. When He uses it on my back it pushes all the wind out of me. Simply wonderful - pain with real depth. The sexond (yes i spelt it that way on purpose;) ), is a dragon tail made by Master Joe of MJ'sToybox

. It is very very stingy and ouchy.

Master honoured me by taking the floggers and using them on me. He didn't hold back either which pleased me no end. For me it meant that He deemed me worthy and deserving. Having been rather ill over the last few months, i have not been able to play properly and i was rather worried i had lost my mojo. Master made me see that it is still there.

As i was still floating around the edges of sub-space, when He used them, i just drifted so beautifully. i wanted more - i craved more. Master decided when i had enough - sigh - i guess i will have to wait for a better time for more! Hehehe. Not long after Master put me to bed and snuggled with me for a while. From there i got to hear all the noise and scurrying of those that kicked on till 5am :)

While at Kinky Farm, i got to catch up with my friends and make some new ones. It was lovely to relax and just forget about the world at large. The drive back home in Master's new car was just as lovely. With no hurry to get anywhere or be anywhere by any particular time it was divine. All i can say is - bring on the winning lotto numbers so i can retire and be like this more often!


7/16/2011 3:07:32 AM

Master - my submission - O/our D/s

 

 

Master has the most peverted mind i have ever known. He is a filthy minded Dom and i love it! Filthy and peverted ideas flow from His mind as easily as the clouds roll through the sky! Endless clouds, endless sky.

 

He is never afraid to try anything new. He is always ready to learn and improve Himself in any manner of ways. He has a vast knowledge of many things and will always research something to the nth degree before trying it out. Knowing that He is like this puts my mind at ease and makes my trusting Him so much easier.

Yes, He is physically much bigger than i which, by rights, means that the element of physical domination is a given but it takes more than just pure physicality to dominate someone. i believe there are four parts to a human being - physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. (Please do not mistake "spiritual" for anything related to religion - it is that insubstantial piece of Y/you that makes Y/you who Y/you are - some might call it a soul - others call it a moral compass - either way, i believe it is there and a part of each of U/us.)

 

Back to my point - to truly be someone's Master/Mistress, i believe They need to be able to dominate each of these four elements in some way or another otherwise They are one's Dominant. There is nothing wrong with this - for many many years it is how i approached D/s and BDSM. It was right for me at the time. It was all i was capable of giving. It worked for my Dominants and myself - that is all that really matters. :) Different circumstances in my life now mean i can submit on a different level. So i do.

i opened myself up to His dominance in a way that i never intended and never have before. He taught me it was ok to trust Him through His honesty, His effervescence, His thirst and passion for life. He showed me how to be strong, how to be happy in my own skin, how to say no. He taught me the value of being true to O/oneself simply by being Himself and somewhere in the middle of absorbing these life lessons, i found myself with a Master. For that is what He became. my friend, my confidant, my Dominant had unwittingly taken command of my body, mind, heart and soul - they are now His - He is now Master.

 

From me, He has never expected or asked for anything more than honesty, respect and to try. Each and every day i do my best to live up to this for in doing so i know i will make Him proud.

 

If i have any issues or ideas, i am free to bring them up. W/we have coffee every week - usually on a Thursday - just for this purpose. Sometimes there is nothing D/s to talk about, sometimes it gets very intense, sometimes i sit there in the middle of a shopping centre cafe cumming in my pants! Whatever is on O/our minds, that is what W/we talk about.

 

This has been happening since O/our first real life meeting. It was at this meeting i learnt about His take on D/s and His way of doing things. It is different from the "norm", definitely different from what i was used to and it has taken some time to get my head around it and accept it.

 

It must be fun. W/we both need to gain something from it. i don't need to be miserable to ensure His happiness or pleasure.

 

Also, Master doesn't require rituals. He has never demanded them but over time they have crept in - sometimes unnoticed. Simple things like the way i serve Him coffee or how i present my collar to Him are now ritualistic (not Gorean rituals but O/our rituals non the less). Other things like Master ensuring i have time to get myself ready for a scene have turned into smaller unnoticed rituals. In getting myself ready for Him, preparing my look to the best it can be for Him, helps get my mind in the right place for His purposes. It is very strange but when i pull my stockings on - usually one of the last things i do - a calm, tranquility enters my inner being and i know i am ready for Him.

 

One of the harder aspects i have had to become accustomed to is His concept of collaring. He doesn't "collar" submissives to Him. He uses a scene collar. When any scene is about to start, He will collar me and from that moment on all the rules of O/our D/s and BDSM come into existence - eye restrictions, correct forms of address etc. Once the collar is taken off, the scene is over and the rules relaxed. This has grown a little over the last few years and now i have a few "dress" collars. Ones that are worn to play parties, social events etc. The etiquittes of D/s are there but things like verbal and eye restictions are not required.

 

So this means, in essence, i remain uncollared. i am free to go and do as i please, see who i please and talk to whom i please. However, in reality, it doesn't work that way with me. Yes, i talk to a lot of people - i am, as Master puts it, "a social butterfly". i thrive on conversing with others - i am a people person but in my heart, mind and soul, i belong to Him. i am uncollared but i am owned.

 

my body, heart, mind and soul belong to Him. i gave them to Him of my own free will and i trust Him implicitly with their care.


11/4/2010 8:50:30 PM

my Master - my submission

Am i collared to Him?
No

Does this change how i feel?
No

The ties that bind me to Him are stronger than any collaring could provide. i follow Him through choice - a pure and simple choice made from knowing Him, trusting Him, and knowing myself.

It is a choice made from the heart.

From the depths of my soul i want nothing more than to please Him through my words, thoughts and deeds. Where He goes, i will follow for as long as He allows.


10/24/2010 12:58:22 PM

The Discipline Scene

Two weeks ago, i was a very very busy submissive.

Ultimately it didn't leave me any time to do something that Master had told me. A simple task that i was supposed to do every three to four days that under normal circumstances i normally did. Due to my lack of attention to this small task, it created a rather large issue later that week. W/we couldn't go for a ride on O/our bikes and so W/we ended up taking the car to Sydney instead. Turns out Master had a sore neck and shoulder so it was better for Him to be in the car than on the bike and given that i had been at a party till midnight the night before, it was probably best for me too. :)

Anyhow, this aside, i did the wrong thing.

So in the car, MM said to me that i would get 500 lashes for it. Initially i thought He was joking.

He wasn't.

At coffee on Thursday, He outlined what He was going to do, how He was going to do it and what i was to do. He asked if i was ready for it. i couldn't stop smiling. In fact it was all i could do to stop the childish grin from taking over. He also gave me a website to look at so i could see what i was in for.

The important thing i needed to remember was that short of a red safety word, i was not allowed any other saftey call during the 500, as it was discipline. (For U/us, calling red means a complete end to the scene.)

i looked at the website on Friday night.

OMFG!

i couldn't believe what i saw! What's more is i couldn't believe that i was about to go through the same thing! Sobriety hit me. The school girl giggly stage was left well behind. my mind began to prepare itself.

Saturday morning came and i was ready. i was relaxed. my mind was in a good place. All i had to do was await Master's arrival.

Saturday afternoon i spent the afternoon preparing myself. Getting ready for any eventuality. i wore a new dress that i bought in Thailand - not a lot to this dress but based upon conversations i have had with Master over the previous month or so, i hoped He would find it sexy and would like this particular look. my makeup had some resemblance to the girls in Robert Palmer's video clip, "Addicted to love"

. Apart from the size of my stomach, i was actually pretty impressed with my look and i think from Master's expression He liked it too.

Saturday evening saw Master's arrival. He had bought dinner for the two of U/us. He commented that i seemed relaxed as i served up O/our dinner and i was. i was ready. Nervous but ready.

i am not going to get into the nitty gritty details of the night as the scene went on for hours and hours. i shall keep to some of the highlights.

i brought my collar to Master and made the formal presentation to Him and request for it to be placed on. He did something different this time. Instead of putting it around my neck, He slid it over my head and down my face. i felt the leather, the connection with my collar, the connection with Master, the connection with my submissive self.

At this point, He did something different again. Something that made me want to leap with joy and hug and kiss Him all over - lol - but i didn't. He told me that i was not to address Him as "Sir". It was to be replaced with "Master". For a long long long time now, i have wanted to do this but have been too scared. In the odd text message i would sometimes refer to Him as Master but more often than not it has always been Sir. He is my Master - i have felt that for a long while now but not being officially "collared" to Him, i wasn't sure if it was appropriate to call Him this or not. For Him to make that request has given this submissive more pleasure than can be described here.

i forget what the order was supposed to be - naughty me never really pays much attention to what Master says the order is going to be as it always changes - which is a good thing as W/we go where the flow of the scene takes U/us. All i do know is that the 500 was supposed to be that night.

He started with pussy torture. He did something that i really don't do very well. He pushed me. i was panting, crying, trying to breathe. The pain was searing. He told me to stick with it. He whispered in my ear to let go, to breathe. He brought my submissive's toolbox to the forefront of my mind. i did as He bid me do. i belonged to Him wholly and solely, in that moment i placed my trust and entire being in His care. He said i could do it and so i would, and so i did.

It was perhaps a turning point for me. From that moment i knew if i could do this then i could do The 500.

During the intial stage of The Discipline Scene, both of my orifices were tortured. Then while upstairs in the dungeon, Master's plan changed. The torture of my pussy and arse were going to well for Him to put a stop to it. So that is where W/we spent the night. i was begging for more but eventually Master called a stop to it. i had been flogged, caned, paddled, fucked, cropped and tortured far beyond anything i had been through before. W/we hadn't even started The 500 yet. That would wait till the morning.

He kissed me on the head, told me i did very well, that i should never doubt myself again, that i should be proud of myself and what i had achieved, that He was proud of me. Those words were, still are, like liquid gold to this submissive's ears.

i slept so well next to Master that night.

Sunday morning W/we spent time mucking around and resting. Then i got myself ready for The 500.

i have to plug my friend's workmanship and store here. Master Joe, MJ's Toybox

, has some awesome gear! my new blindfold worked a treat! It didn't put pressure on my sinuses, fitted nice and snug and cut out all the light! The rope i bought from Him and kim last year finally got a really good work out and it is DIVINE! i was in subby heaven.

Master attended the Shibari and Erotic Rope workshops at The Gathering and was putting His newfound skills to work! Oh the rope and i . . . mmmmmmm. . . Master said then and there that i have an affinty for rope. LOL - just being wrapped and bound in it is enough to get me into subspace :) Yes i am a ropeslut!

Master's ropework was excellent and i could hear how much He was enjoying it. That brought a smile to this submissive's face.

Then Master tied me to the flogging post.

The 500 started.

i counted in my head. Master did them in sets of 50. He placed the gag in my mouth after the first 100. Apparently i was making some noise. :) i lost count around 300. Sub-space took over. i remember thinking at 100 to go that i could actually do this. Then sub-space took over again. The dragon-tail was a so nice to start with then Master said, there is a nasty way to do this - then HOLY F***! White searing pain shot through me - over and over!

The final 5 were with Master's new barbed leather flogger which He bought at The Gathering. A very very nasty piece of work. They were harsh.

Then it was over.

i wanted more.

i begged Master for more.

He was wonderful and gave me lots more! Hehehe - another 150!

When Master let me down from the flogging post i was rewarded with needles and hot wax.

Then He laid me on the bed all covered with my rope and a blanket. He cuddled me as i came back from sub-space.

Wow - what a journey this has been!


9/18/2010 5:59:59 PM

Changing behaviours

While away on my holiday in Thailand, i had an epiphany.

For a small while now, MM has been trying to get me to slow down. He is of the opinion that everything i do, whether it be walk down the stairs, get Him a coffee, or anything really, that i rush. Being the good submissive, i didn't question, i just attempted to do as He instructed me.

Personally, i didn't see the problem - if He wanted something then i would endeavour to do it quickly and without hesitation. i was always careful with what i did and never actually realised that i walked quickly for everything until He pointed it out. LOL - even in my highest of heels, i was/am Speedy Gonzales.

The last scene W/we had before i went on my holiday, He explained to me that it would make me more graceful. Graceful is sexy. Now i would like to think that i am far from unlady-like but i am also aware that i am no ballet dancer either. i thought i understood where He was coming from and tried a bit harder that night. When i was out and about shopping, i started noticing just how fast i was in comparison to other people. It was very noticable at the airport in Bangkok and with Master's words in mind i slowed my pace. i was on holiday, what was the rush?

Here's where the epiphany happens -

Over the course of my holiday, i got to watch several different Thai dancers perform. Their movements are designed to immitate that of the elephant, which is favourite animal of the Thai people. The dancers were slow and graceful to the extreme. It was a joy to watch them. Not just the way they danced but they way they walked and talked. Beautiful. Enticing.

i also got to see elephants and ride them. These animals also are beautiful and full of grace in how they move. Despite their size.

On my last night in Bangkok, i went to see a show called Siam Niramat - a must for anyone going there. i got to see elephants and dancers share the stage together. Sitting there watching the show and seeing them together, everything suddenly clicked. i really understood what He meant by slow and graceful. Dignified. Confidant. Sexy. i realised what He wanted from me.

Now i figured that i am not a petite dancer and more akin to the elephant (yes, i know Sir that this borders close to something i absolutely forbidden call myself but please forgive this indiscretion but it is in an effort to describe my light bulb moment) but if the elephant can look like that when it moves then so can i.

The light has been turned on and so i am now determined to improve myself. It isn't a matter of changing me or my inner core - it is about changing a behaviour to reflect my inner submissive self. i will make my Master proud of me yet :)


8/14/2010 12:17:31 AM
It hit me today!

MM is a man who continually has such lovely peverted thoughts going through His head. So much so that it has left me in awe.

i have often wished for the thoughts to come to me as easily as they do to Him.

Today it happened.

Sitting in the sun, by the river during my lunchbreak, this wave of perversion just swept over me. Looking at the semi-secluded spots around the place, i started to think about what wicked things Sir and i could get up to there.

Then as the sun shone, i could feel it on my skin, warming me, making me feel alive - making me horny. As the wave of horniness washed through me, the thoughts came unbidden.

It felt so good.


5/17/2010 11:04:20 AM

my Reward!

MM is a kindly Master. Shhh don't tell Him i ever said that - if He ever asks, He is tough, controlling, pushes me, leads me, guides me, gives a kick up the rear when needed, He is a demon in disguise - LOL

Again, like me i get sidetracked from the moment in question. So as i was saying, MM is a kindly Master. He forgives my momentary lapses of memory - which are getting better over time and encourages and supports the decisions i make - even if He disagrees with them.

One of these momentary lapses of memory was something i was doing for myself. i started the Tony Ferguson diet and seriously forgot to tell Him - i thought i did but knowing me i probably didn't :) i am over weight, unhealthily so, and it is beyond time to do something about it. i do not want to have to go through the pain of another stroke - it is not nice pain.

So there i am toddling off for my first weigh-in chatting away to MM on the phone. i told Him where i was off to in my lunch break and He says, "What?" After explaining everything to Him, He tells me that i didn't tell Him any of this before i started and then He congratulated me and told me i was doing the right thing etc etc.

As i finished my weigh in i got a lovely text message from Him outling a reward program He was setting up for me as extra incentive. Hehehe - See He is a kindly Master :)

i have decided to keep a copy of it here as i will surely lose the only copy on my phone. The reward program is as follows in His words;

1. Each and every Friday you MUST text Me your current weight.

2. For every kilo lost and maintained you will be credited 5 needles to pierce either your labia or arsehole.

3.For every kilo gained you will lose 6 needles from your credited needle allowance.

4. For every 3 kilos lost and maintained you will be credited 1 intolerable torture Scene.

5. Lose 10 kilos and maintain that weight and I will organise a super intense anal punch fucking for you.

6. No weightloss at all from Friday to Friday - 1 Scene deducted.

Sickness overules above conditions.

This is an honesty system. I have developed with you the tools so you can deal with this task. All you have to do is call if difficulties arise.

If for whatever reason you feel you can't talk to Me and fudge your weightloss figures consequences will be severe:

1st offence I will not have any contact with you for 1 week.

2nd offence and I won't have any contact with you for 1 month.

3rd offence and i won't Scene with you again.

These terms are negotiable until W/we have both discussed and agreed on them with an achievable outcome.

 

i know the last bit sounds harsh but i would never do that anyway. Not telling the truth and delivering an outright lie to my Master is something i would never ever ever do. So i can just ignore the consequences bit :)

Knowing that i now am well on the way to the 10 kilo mark is making me very excited. On the bad days i keep my needle count firmly in mind and imagine myself tied out with Master popping needles through my labias - Oh YUMMO!

i know i already have incentive enough with my health issues and with my best friend's wedding coming up and wanting to be able to perform better for Master in scene but this just adds that icing to the cake.


5/1/2010 7:27:37 PM

"Doms" and Doms - The issue of Control

To my mind, being a control freak does not make one a Dom! It just makes one fussy and hard to please.

Being "in control", now that is different.

Having the courage and the intelligence to know when to take control and when to let go - that is part of having complete control.

i am going to use a really degrading analogy here but it is the best i can come up with at this time of the morning :)

Dog leads - you can get short ones that keep your dog right by your side when you take it for a walk. The dog is still so happy to be with their owner & out of doors but it's freedom and ability to express itself is severely limited.

Alternatively you can get those dog leads with retractable lengths on them. The dog is free to be themselves, to look around, smell things, enjoy the walk, to be themselves, to express themselves, to learn about their surroundings and the world they live in - all while under the watchful eye of their owner. There is still a limit as to how far the dog can go, as the owner has hold of the leash. How far, where, and when they go are choices made by the holder of the lead.

The holder of the lead also has the power and control to bring the dog back and to walk on the short lead if it is ever required - eg, to teach a lesson, to praise, or to protect.

In my mind, it needs a smart person to be able to use the retractable lead properly. A control freak just couldn't do it.

Bring that back to D/s and styles of Dominance.

i know that there are subs/slaves out in the world who either, need, want or crave to be on that shorter lead and a good Dominant will recognise that. They will know when and how to encourage said sub/slave into learning about the wider world and to explore their inner selves - to get to know themselves like they never have before. i am yet to meet a sub who truly knows themselves to be perpetually happy on a short leash.

Sadly, in my experience, it is the "Doms" who only ever use a short leash (ie, are control freaks) that don't encourage personal growth of their sub/slave. Everything remains in situ and the sub/slave will eventually start to statgnate. This is not what life is meant to be like - life is fluid life is about change. This is not good for either Dom or sub/slave. i have seen too many bad things happen to the people in this kind of relationship. caveat Again the misery caused by this is what some people want.

The Dominants who uses the retractable lead, has to know Their submissive, has to trust them, has to be more watchful of the greater surroundings, has to know the greater surroundings, has to have courage and faith in Their sub/slave that they can deal with the world. This kind of control is more complete. sub/slave has Dominant in mind when making choices and decisions. sub/slave is secure in the knowledge that Domaninant is never very far away. Personal growth is a key factor here - personal growth of both Dominant and submissive.

The best D/s relationships i have seen - the long lasting - the permanent ones - this is what happens in them.

For most of my D/s relationships over the last 20 years it has been the former style of control that was used. Either from ignorance (from both parties) or that control freak factor, or a sense of "Me Dom - you sub" chest beating kind of attitude.

To finally have a Master that does and has encouraged me to be myself - cheeky and all - to get me to think about who i am, what i am, and to not be afraid to be "in control" of me is the most fullfilling relationship i have ever had. i feel complete - i serve because i want to serve not because the person on the other end of the lead is jerking me around and being the voice of God.

i grow and learn more about me with each encounter. i feel like a rosebush - each time W/we meet a new flower bursts into bloom. This is what life is about.

For all those "Doms" who strive to be Masters/Mistresses, maybe they should give some thought to this.


4/6/2010 3:42:51 AM
Good Friday scene - The Crucifixion 2010

There are some things in this life that are just too hard to describe or put into words but i have had several requests from people about when i am going to blog the crucifixion, so here is my feeble attempt to describe the indescribable.

This going to sound ever so strange but there is something in the act of preparing and getting ready for a scene that helps with getting the mind ready. For me a pivotal point in any time of getting ready is putting on my stockings. Whether they be lace-top, black, nude, stay-ups or traditional garter held ones, something clicks in my brain. It isn't the slow gradual sinking that i experience during the rest of my preparations, it is a sudden drop. A light bulb being turned off. The darkness and quietness takes over. i literally have to close my eyes and take a deep breath. When that happens i know i can deal with anything that Sir chooses to do with me.

On Friday it happened like it always does but it was so much more intense. i had to stop and focus a little. i was sinking into scene mode so deeply and Sir wasn't even there yet. Sometimes i wonder what it would be like if He was there while i was preparing myself and how things would turn out if it all started at that moment of change for me.
i went downstairs and put the quiche in the oven and prepared the salad. Sir was running a little late so i put on the music and sat to gather myself.

When He arrived, He leant in to kiss me and then saw my red lipstick, laughed and kissed me on the cheek instead. The previous night He ended up with very very very red lips hehe :)Personally i thought it was a smashing colour for Him - LOL - looked good in the middle of His moustache and beard! LOL

It didn't take long to finish serving up dinner. It was lovely if i don't say so myself :) i asked Him if He was ready for desert and then He said that i could eat mine off His cock. i thought He was joking at the time. Sir came and sat in the tv room while i served up desert. i brought His over to Him and He bade me to sit on the floor in front of Him. This is when He put my collar on. For U/us this is the start of the scene. This is when i learnt He wasn't joking about desert! Interesting experience to say the least. i have never used vanilla custard as a lube before but i will gladly use it again :) Tastes yummy!

i must have pulled a face - or several of them actually because Sir pulled me up on it and said that if i pulled one more face then He was going home. my heart felt like it hit the bottom of my stomach.

After desert, He told me to go upstairs and prepare myself. i had to wash my hands, strip down and present my naked self on the bed, arse up. He was going to follow me up. He arrived in the room before i was ready - not a good start. submissive's heart sank again for the second time that night.

He pulled out two pairs of clover clamps. He then asked as He put them on my labias, "Is this a good place submissive?" These clover clamps are special ones. As part of a task late last year, i had to put bells on the chains that held the clamps together. To this day the bells are still there.

He started His warm-ups. my initial thought was "ouch" then "fucking hell" then the language in my mind got worse from there. He was using a single tail as part of my warm up - with the clamps on my pussy! This time the warm ups started at where W/we used to finish. my mind was screaming at me. From this point the order of things starts to get hazy and blury in my mind.
Sir continued to flog me. He changed impliments several times. i wasn't dealing well at all with anything at the beginning. i was even thinking in my head, "i can't do this. Why am i doing this?"

Then something Sir said brought me to complete about face. "I don't think you will be able to do what I have planned for you tonight submissive."

This burned a hole through my brain. That is when i dug deep. That is when i realised i wasn't dealing with it because i wasn't using my own toolbox. i was letting me down - i was letting Him down.

So breathing.

Focus on the breathe.

i focused, in and out, in and out.

i wanted to use my safe word - so i focused on my breathing again.

i started to count to ten. The need for the safe word was gone.

To add insult to injury, my nose decided to start running. i needed tissues. Sir put the tissues on the bed next to me so it was easier to get one. The pain level was also so very high and it was bringing tears to my eyes. The tears made the nose run worse. It was a humiliating and wretched feeling. At one point, Sir was trying to get me to do something. i wasn't listening as i was focused on my nose. He got cranky with me and told me that He would look after that. i really didn't want Sir seeing me with rivers of snot running down my face so i reached for the box. He knocked it out of the way and told me to listen. i think there was a swear word in there but the tone of His voice brought me to my senses. He explained to me that He wasn't cranky with me but that i needed pushing and that is what He was doing.

Breathing. Focus on the breathing. Each stroke came harder than the one before. Finally i did reach a point where i used my safe word. Thanks to a conversation i had in the preceeding days with Sir about the use of my safe word and His response to it, His reaction was quite different. He didn't change the activity as He normally would, He gave me a short time to catch my breath and when He saw i was ready, He resumed. These short times were no longer than a minute but it was enough. The results surprised me.

i went longer and harder then i ever have before.

Now, Sir and i play quite hard so to push those barriers out futher was a MASSIVE achievement for both of U/us.

There are two torture devices that Sir bought from MJ's Toybox - one being what i call the licorice stick - it is a long fat piece of leather and it hurts! The other one is called a Neoprene Rubber Cane. It is flexible and about 10mm in diameter. This one is perhaps one of the nastiest bits of work i have ever encountered. i handed it back to MM on one occassion and said that it is the nastiest thing i have ever had used on me and i don't mind if You never use it again. In fact i think i actually called it a bitch of a cane.

Sir used both of these on me this night as part of my scourging. During the use of the bitch of a cane something quite strange happened to me. Something that i have heard about but never experienced. Everything just went numb. i knew He was still hitting but i couldn't feel it - sadly this was only fleeting and the pain returned. It was like my mind just shut down for a moment. It was very surreal. So back to breathing and focusing.

The shock of all horrors - i orgasmed from the bitch of a cane. Not long after i had orgasmed, i called orange. Sir asked me if i was cumming from it - i just couldn't answer. i didn't know. i had lost all thought of control and all sense of up or down. i was headfucked. As i was catching my breath, i begged for Sir to use that bitch of a cane on me again. i don't know what made me want it more - all i can say is that i just did. Even now i can't believe i asked to be hurt more with the thing i hate.

i am sure the leather licorice stick was used - actually from the marks on my butt i know it was used :) Also the purple flogger - i like the feel of that one and when Sir started flogging my back with it, sheer bliss. i drifted off into that nothing space again.

At some point Sir called for a break. It was almost a solid hour of severe flogging so i think both of U/us needed one. He went over to the couch and told me to come join Him when i was ready. i pulled off the blindfold, wiped my face clean of the tears and snot and went to move. Then i realised that i still had the clover clamps on and now they were starting to hurt again. So i manouvered myself slowly down off my rather high bed and walked over to Him. He must have seen it in my face and said, "Don't even ask." The unspoken question never left my lips.

i ended up on the floor in front of Him. my arse was burning. It was on fire. It hurt oh so good. i was exhausted. He asked me where my cane was. i was very vague in my answer to Him. He told me to go get it. Oh i so didn't want to. i didn't think He could seriously be wanting to cane me on top of everything that had already happened. i asked if i had a choice in this to which He replied, "No you don't." So accepting my fate i stood up and started to waddle to the walk in robe where the cane was hidden. i heard His voice, "and don't waddle. Walk properly. Lift the chains if you have to." i lifted the chains but that just made it hurt more so i gently let them hang back and just did the best i could.

i delivered the cane as requsted. He told me the position He wanted me in. i got into position and waited. He started delivering strokes with the cane. He asked if i was cumming from the pain. i said no. He asked why not and i told Him that the clamps were stopping me. That is when He relented and asked me to roll over. He took them off. It is a good thing i was already on the ground for the pain would have surely driven me there. Then He proceeded to cane me again. Then i came . . . and came . . . and came.

After a little break, Sir asked if i was ready for some anal play. i can't remember what happened or what was said but i asked for more flogging. He said yes and told me to pick what i wanted to be used. i immediately went for my favourite purple flogger but then i looking at it and i had a fleeting thought of my studded paddle. i raced to my bag, pulled it out and placed it in front of me with the purple flogger. When Sir came over, He asked what it was to be. i was helpless for an answer. i said to Him that i just couldn't make up my mind. So He did for me and picked the studded paddle.

i wish i could tell Y/you all how much more i took but i simply can't remember. subspace at this point was huge.

Afterwards, Sir scrubbed my body with the deck scrubbing brush and the new scourer. Then He started with the hot wax over my abraised skin. Holy cow!

Then He stood me up and asked me to raise my hands above my head. He taped two deck scrubbing brushes to my breasts with gaffer tape. Then got me to move into position for an anal session.

i do remember Sir starting some anal play with me but my arse was really sore and it was hurting on the inside to begin with. i wanted it so much. my inside were begging me to persist and go for it but the rest of me wasn't following suit. W/we managed a few dildos but nothing too large - well not too large from the biggest one LOL. By this stage i was completely gone inside my head and i really don't remember too much or how much i did take.

i think that is when Sir and i headed downstairs for a break. my recollection of what happened next and in what order is so very hazy. i know that Sir had a few words to me about my lack of ettiquette for the second time that evening - yes submissive's heart sunk again. i was so heartbroken at my actions.

Then the crucufixion proper began.

The feel of the rope going around my breasts was just divine. A calm took over me as i just drifted in my subby space. The rope around my hands as they were tied to the post - oh yum. Oh how i love being bound up.

Before He tied my legs, Sir put two needles through my nipples. Oh the pain - the throbbing was just divine. Yes when the breasts are bound it does hurt more - hehe - i love it when it hurts more. :)

Sir bound my legs out of the way, giving Him free access to my pussy. i was drifting, enjoying the throbbing of my nipples. Everytime i moved they throbbed and hurt that little bit more.

Suddenly i was jerked out my beautiful space when a needle went through my labia.

It hurt.

It f*****g hurt!

i screamed.

OMG! a second one went in and i did a bit more than scream - i could feel myself wanting to jerk away from the sharp needle and it took all my strength not to. i just couldn't understand why it was hurting so very much and why wasn't i dealing with the pain. The third one went in and i asked the darkness why it was hurting so much. Sir voice came back to me - "I am putting them in your inner labias, that's why."

i breathed deep - this was going to be a new experience. i think three more went in before Sir left me to enjoy.

This was definitely not the same as going through my outer labias. Sir kept asking me if i was going to orgasm. He was watching and describing, i could feel it building but it was just eluding me. Normally i just start orgasming and don't stop - moving makes them hurt more and i cum more. It just wasn't happening. It still felt good - actually, there was not a lot feeling there - i had to move and the hurt from that was fleeting but there was no residual throbbing. i was starting to get distressed cos i couldn't orgasm. It wanted to - i wanted to - sooooo much but it just wasn't getting over the edge.

Whether Sir sensed my distress or could see it just wasn't happening for me, He got my favourite toy - njoy stainless steel butt plug. He made it hot - so hot - so yummy. Hehehe. Oh boy - the orgasms started.

i focused more on the needles through my nipples as i couldn't feel the ones through my labias anymore. Between the needles in my breasts and the hot butt plug, i was pushed over the edge. WOW is all i can say.

The come-down was huge. i lay next to my Master and felt His body warmth against me as i came back to reality. i felt safe and wanted.


3/29/2010 3:05:33 AM

Good Friday scene . . . 4 days to go . . .


"slut, Easter Friday will mark your crucifixion. you will be scourged through paddling, whipping and caning. Heavy weighted chains will stretch your cunt lips. your cunt will be flogged. your arsehole will be cropped. When I am satisfied you will be crucified. Needles will be pierced through your nipples, tits and cunt. Fish hooks will be pierced into your arsehole. Enjoy...."

That was the email i got from MM this evening (yes i have permission to publish it too). It was a good thing i was sitting down because my legs went to jelly and this wave of prickles washed over my body. Seriously took my breath away. The worst bit was is that i was talking on the phone to Him getting instructions for something else while i was reading this - i almost lost track of the conversation.

Nerves are running all through my body and my mind is screaming at me right now. i am so very glad that He told me all this before Friday so i can get my head around it. When i read it like He has written, it looks so cold and vicious - it just seems all wrong BUT behind all that initial panic and nerves i know that i will deal with it and get through it all. The pain, sweat and possibly tears will be worth it as i know that i will descend into blissful subspace and receive the best of care from a truly wonderful and giving Master.


3/6/2010 1:23:18 PM

Newcastle Social Munch

Date: Sunday 21st March

Time: 4pm

Cost: Just what you want to spend on drink and food.

If Y/you want to come please msg me and i will give you more details.


2/12/2010 2:14:49 AM

Fisting


Receiving - front hole

The tension, the thought that it won’t fit, the tightness, the sense of being ripped apart as it goes in – OMFG – fisting is the bee’s knees!

There is a sense of complete submission that i feel when Sir is fisting me. He most definitely has the complete power and control of me. By the time He has His fist in me, my mind has pretty much turned to mush and i am in subspace. i know in my head and my heart that i am His and He can do what He likes with me, and more importantly, that i am safe in His care.

Receiving - back hole

This is submission at it’s best. To push past the pain and let it happen it brilliant – sadly i have achieved this only twice – once with my last Master and i was rendered unconscious to get His fist in, the second was when Sir invited a dear friend over to achieve this goal as His fist is still too large for me.

When W/we did achieve it – AWESOME – TOTALLY BRILLIANT! So much so that i asked for Sir to cane me while she had her fist in me – the resulting orgasm was mind blowingly STUPENDOUS! Can’t wait for the day when Sir gets His fist in me – with time and training that will happen.

Being the giver

Ok so this is where a lot of people will start to differ in opinion to me.

i fist my Master.

This does not make either of U/us a switch. What it does do, however, answers the ultimate question of how important mindset is in D/s.

For those of Y/you out there who are pondering this and disagreeing with me already – when a Domme gives Her male submissive the honour of being allowed to penetrate Her, does that make Her the submissive and him the Dom in that instant? Does the physical act really shift the balance of power?

For those of Y/you who are still with me, read on. Hopefully this will finish explaining it

When Sir wants a fisting, He will tells me when. i don’t tell Him when. He has a specific order that He likes things to be done in – over the last 20 months or so i have learnt this routine and i know it like the back of my hand. It is akin to rituals of Him putting on my collar and requesting and serving – i have to know in order to serve.

Firstly the rimming – hehehe – see previous entry on this – i love worshipping His arse in this way. The fact that He allows me to means that i have been good and pleased Him. It gives me quiet joy that i have pleased Him. :)

Then there is the lubing – once this starts i can’t lick His yummy arsehole anymore as the lube He prefers to start with has a numbing agent in it and i don’t like having a numb tongue LOL. The lubing up is a long process – i have learnt that the longer and more care i provide in this initial stage then the easier the rest of it is. Lubing up relaxes Him – gets His mind ready for the rest of the journey. Knowing that i am to be an integral part of that journey is again an honour for me.

Once W/we start with the dildo’s, i start with them in the size order He has dictated to me. If He wants something faster, slower, higher, lower, bigger, smaller etc., He tells me and i follow His instructions. If He needs more lube He tells me. i follow His orders to the letter – He is after all my Master and i am His submissive. Stretching the hole is an important part of being able to get one’s fist in – the more is it stretched the easier it will be and i will ensure that i don’t break my hand on the way in. ;)

Throughout all this fithly fucking and fun, i make periodical checks to make see how easily and how close the fisting actually is. Watching His hole stretch and listening to Him enjoy every moment of it is amazing. Knowing the wonderful sensations that He is experiencing again, awesome.

When the fist goes in, i get a sense of pride in my Master that He can achieve something so easily that i am yet to. Hearing Him orgasm because of something i have done well – extreme joy. Hearing Him say the words, “Well done slut” – tremendous. The pride in knowing that i served Him well is priceless.

See, all in the mindset - there is no way i could Domme Him - there is no way i would want to. He has taught me, i follow what i have been taught as any submissive would.

Honestly at the end of it all - if this is how i see it to be, does it matter what others believe? He has fun, i have fun - W/we complete each other.


2/10/2010 10:46:42 AM

Rimming

Oh gosh! How heavenly is rimming!

i will never ever forget the first time someone licked my arse. At first it was shock – pleasurable shock. It felt oh so good. my first thought was “how can something so disgusting feel so good?”

Sadly i only saw this person a few times. Oh how i missed his tongue on my arse and it was about 6 years before i met someone else who was into rimming. That turned out to be my last Master. Each time He did it to me, it just sent me over the edge. The sensation was lovely.

Every session with Him consisted of arse play so rimming was part and parcel of that. i was my own worst enemy during that time as scat is a hard limit of mine (not His) and if i even suspected that i was unclean in any way shape or form i would tense up and not enjoy it as it was meant to be enjoyed. Towards the end of O/our time together – literally the last time i scened with Him, He got me to lick His arse. i took a few tentative licks and stayed on the outside of His rectum for fear of what i might find on the inside. i would have to say that the only reason i did it was because He ordered me to. i really didn’t excited about it but it didn’t gross me out like i thought it would. The fact that He liked it was enough for me.

Now, however, it is a completely different story.

Over the last couple of years i have learnt what it is like to completely let go and just enjoy it both the giving and receiving.

When i am receiving the arse licking there are just no words to describe it. The warm wet sensation of getting a deep rimming is seriously indescribable. Knowing that i am completely clean and able to give that most intimate part of myself to my Sir is amazing.

Giving my Sir a rimming is one of my greatest pleasures. It wasn’t always that way though. The first couple of times i was filled with hesitation and a slight uncomfortable feeling of it not being right. However, He wanted it and that feeling of wanting to please Him over rode everything.

Listening to His moans of pleasure gave me immense satisfaction. Then something changed – i don’t know what. Maybe it was the security of the knowledge that i would never have a nasty surprise in there, knowing that He liked it, knowing that i was giving immense pleasure to Him, knowing how good it felt to me. i don’t know exactly what it was that changed but i distinctly remember one day i was there licking away at my Master’s arse and all of sudden i found myself being turned on – more than turned – i was wet, dripping wet and i was cumming!

The taste of a clean arsehole is just yummy! The feel of the slick smooth insides tantalises the tongue. Getting my tongue in as deep as i can is never enough. LOL - sometimes i use my tongue as a tongue didlo - haha - oh it gets a good reaction - and i am rewarded with similar treats :)

Now i can’t get enough of it! One of the nicest things on the planet.


1/11/2010 3:23:28 AM
NEWCASTLE SOCIAL MUNCH

This Sunday 17th January 2010 4pm - contact me for location.

12/20/2009 3:10:21 AM

Christmas, parties and the last 24 hours


This last week or so has not been the easiest of ones for me. Some major decisions, some family stuff, some work stuff, some head stuff to work out and the time of the year etc - i desperately needed to get away and just forget about the world for a little while.

Sir was great through all it - including my emotional cracking earlier in the week. (Thank You Sir xoxo) Just when things start to feel like they are getting too much, somehow somewhere something really lovely happens and give you strength to pick yourself up, dust off and keep going.

From all walks of my life, friends started popping up and sharing their joy with me. Then Sir told me of His planned Christmas present to me. The next day, i found out He put it in as a post in the Newcastle 2300 group.

Then yesterday afternoon Sir gave me another Christmas present! The world's best butt plug. It isn't huge but it isn't about the size. It is made of surgical stainless steel, a perfect size and a perfect fit. It is rather heavy and it fits just divinely! What's more the sensations are even more divine. World's best butt plug - World's best Christmas present - lol - well until i get the other part of the Christmas present. Part of my Christmas present to Him, at His request, is to believe in myself. With Sir's help i am well on my way to doing this - thank You Master.

The Christmas party W/we went to was interesting - there were some good and bad bits. Awesome floggings and wonderful rope bondage. i got to meet some lovely people and make new friends. Sir got asked if He was a Harley rider - LOL - funny thing is though, they aren't the first person to think so. :) There were a couple of things that brought the enjoyment of the evening down but those bits aside, it was a good evening.

This morning was just awesome. Sir is such a good teacher - and one of the best characteristics of a good teacher is the ability to learn and adapt oneself - He does that remarkably well. He saw another technique with cane usage last night and tried it on me today - HOLY COW! Talk about perfection - i could have kept going and going and going and going and going and going. The orgasms and subspace were just divine. Then add my new Christmas present into the mix and a fisting and heating new Christmas gift and other fun things to do - my body went into sensation overload!

The mind was reeling and coming down as i sat in the bottom of the shower all i could do was shake and tears came out. They weren't unhappy tears and i can't explain why they were there - just that my body had no other way of processing what had happened. It is seriously the most amazing sensation. Sir has taken my boundaries and pushed them. He has done what no other Master has ever been able to do - exhaust me, send me into overload. What more can a subby girl ask for?!


11/16/2009 1:50:20 AM
This submissive's toolbox

MM is a great teacher, friend, confidant and an awesome Master. He has shown me that submission can be made from a position of strength. In fact, now, i truly believe that from my new found inner strength, my submission is deeper – more complete.

In being more complete it is easier to let go and fly.

In some ways i feel as though i have come in a circle in my journey. Some days i feel as though i am learning about my submission all over again and others i feel as though i have achieved many things. Maybe the journey is a circle or a series of them – i guess only time will tell.

MM has done something for me that no Other has ever done – He has helped me build a “toolbox” for myself. This “toolbox” has in it what i need to make things work for me. Some are physical and others are mental but each plays it part for me to help me achieve what i never thought was possible. This list is fluid and over time will change, expand and shrink as need dictates.

Trust – without this NOTHING would be possible. The trust i have in Sir is unparalleled – none have ever come close. It has helped me to achieve what i never thought i could. MM keeps telling me that i am an extremely capable submissive but that i seem to be the only one who doesn’t seem to believe it. It is rather funny actually because i am at a point where if He tells me i can do something, then i know i can – it goes beyond believing i can achieve something – it is a quiet knowing that if He has that much faith in my ability then i must be able to do it. It comes back to trust.

Breathing – sounds simple but easier said than done. Even though i don’t ever really stop breathing, i sometimes forget to make it a focus of what i am doing. The breath will help me get through the stingiest of pains and help me find my headspace.

Safe Words – there is NO FAILURE in using safe words! It has only really been in the last 5-6 years that i started using the traffic light system. Orange for when it is getting too much and a change is required – Red for calling a complete stop to the scene. Works wonders.

Counting to ten before calling orange – At one point Sir asked me why i called orange at certain times. Was i hiding behind this safe call? Did i regret using the safe call at certain times? The answer to both these questions was yes. He came up with a solution – If i wanted to call orange then i was to count to ten before i called it. LOL – oh it worked brilliantly! The number of times i was able to push through and take even more can’t be counted. By the time i got to ten i didn’t need to call orange anymore.

Play collar – commitment to a scene doesn’t start until the collar goes on. He puts it on and He takes it off. It creates a clearly defined line of when certain protocols and rules come into being and when i may speak freely etc. Recently there was an occasion where this concept helped Sir and myself resurrect what looked like was going to be a doomed scene. Sir was querying as to what was wrong with me. Initially there was nothing wrong and i told Sir this – each time He asked i told Him there was nothing else going on and that my mind was here with Him. Eventually i became distressed and Sir took off the collar – scene ended. He looked at me and told me to speak freely. So i did and told Him that the only thing wrong with me was that He kept asking me what was wrong! To do this took a lot of courage on my part and was in a way challenging my Master – something i couldn’t have done with my collar on. He took a deep breath, gave me a cuddle, praised me for speaking up, told me to clean myself up and then He put the collar back on and the scene started again on a more positive note.

Music – depending on mood and what things Sir has planned, i may or may not need music to help me get through certain scenes. Ritualistic African Drum music i find to be just perfect for heavy anal play or flogging.

Talking – Thursday night is coffee night. It is a night where W/we sit and talk. It could be about what happened in the last scene, what is going to happen in the next scene, what O/one wants to achieve in the future, politics, motorbikes, kids, weather, anything. There is no collar worn, i am free to speak, respectfully of course, it also helps keep a connection and builds trust.

my imagination – there is nothing wrong with a submissive having input. Strange concept for me to grasp and i still have difficulties at time with it but to have input requires me to use my brain and imagination. All things still go through Sir and ideas and concepts will be used as He sees fit but He likes to get my ideas when they come through.

Strong Dominant – this is just something i need. SomeOne to push me, to be firm and unrelenting. The stricter He becomes, the better i respond and as MM puts it, “the better My reward”. Strength of character, strength of mind, strength of conviction. A tall order but MM more than fills this.

Friends - These are most important. i find that having a fantastic support network of wonderful caring like minded people around me gives me strength for when things go wrong and people to share the good times with. Likewise i can be there for them in the dark days and in the good days. i don't have to keep my lifestyle and who i am a secret from these people - i can just be me.

my mental health - Yes W/we all go off the rails from time to time - i have had my fair share of this. Having been through ill-health, mentally, i feel ever so strongly that when O/one is not well then O/one should not play. i withdrew from play of any type during this time and worked on getting myself well. Let's face it - when i submit to my One i am giving Him the most precious gift i can give - myself. What value does a broken gift have? Add to that the SSC - where is the sane part? Now i am whole and healthy person i treasure that. i am comfortable with who i am, secure in the knowledge that i can achieve and i deal with the horrid and nasty much better. The choices i make are made with a clear mind and my submission is so much deeper - more complete.

This “toolbox” has opened doors to me that were closed for years. It has helped me give all of myself, not just part – all of me– mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical. A first for me. For the first time I can now revel in the joy of submission. To be able to make Him happy, to be able to fulfil His belief in me, to be able to serve Him in whichever manner He chooses, to hear the words, “Well done submissive” gives me pleasure beyond belief.

11/4/2009 9:56:25 AM

Something on my mind (or is this a confession?)

Ok, so this is something i have been meaning to talk to Sir about but for some reason i just keep forgetting when i am talking to Him as other things just take over - now tonight (this morning) i have decided to blog it and hopefully get some other people's insight into this too. Yes, i know and understand that this is still something that i have to discuss with Sir as it can be a subjective issue and i will but i also would like to hear what Y/you all think about this topic.

Once Sir puts my play collar on me the rules of the game come into play so to speak. One of them (the one i have the biggest trouble with) is that of eye contact restriction. Now i know why this is the case and i don't have an issue with it but it is just soooo hard for this naturally inquisitive submissive to seek out answers in her Master's eyes. Argh - bad girl but i am getting there. Also doesn't help that He has lovely blue eyes. LOL.

Sir is 6'6 and i am 5' and a teeny bit so one would think that this would make it easier - yeah easier to get caught! Hehe. Actually i learnt recently just how much easier it makes it.

At a recent party where my play collar was on, i had occassion to be spoken to by a Mistress whom i respect very much. When She spoke my name, my turned to look at Her and respond. O/our eyes connected. OMG - i felt like the earth should have swallowed me whole at that point!

i did the right thing and tried ever so hard not look in Her eyes again that night. That wasn't too hard as other events kinda took over and i wasn't looking at anyone not long after that ;)

It was however a timely reminder for me just how easy i have it with Sir and the height difference - i can look around me and keep my eyes looking straight ahead and not break the rules. With Others it is obviously different. LOL - ever so much harder when people are closer to my height.

So here is what has me really wondering: Even though i have been involved with D/s and BDSM for more than half my life, public play and going out is still a new thing for me. The rules and ettiquetes that are associated with it all are still being learnt. To me, respect for others must underly everything i do and everything i do reflects upon my Master's ability and expertise as a Dominant. So, that being the case, are eye restrictions across the board to A/all, just the Dominants in the room, or to Sir alone, or are these restrictions kept to private play alone?


10/26/2009 10:01:14 PM

my Headspace



The last couple of plays i have had with MM have been amazing. Physically they have been challenging and extremely fun but the thing that has struck me of late is just how easily i have learnt to let go and drift into my head.

The other day, after the munch,W/we went back to a friend's house for an impromptu play party. This was really only my third play party and i am still getting used to this concept. The most amazing things happened. Watching one of bois get a good paddling and then watching the Mistress who opened Her house to U/us A/all do the most amazing needle corset with silver ribbon on a beautiful girl's back. WOW!

i almost died when Sir asked the Mistress if She wouldn't mind doing something like that to me. He called me into the dungeon and attached me to the St Andrew's Cross, whereupon He proceeded to use the violet wand on me. Now i love the violet wand so Sir was using my favourite toy on me and briefing me on what was going to happen - my trip to subspace was well on it's way.

i heard Him say at one point to someone, "she's gone." Inside my head i was only vaguely aware and was thinking, "no, i'm here". i went to say something to let Him know i was there and realised that i was just drifting already and thought, "oh yeah - that's what He meant." Funny how the head interprets things while in subby land.

Needles were being inserted into my breasts and it was wonderful - each little sharp prick just sent thrills through my body. Then Sir leant over me and whispered those two magic words of His into my ear and my knees almost buckled underneath me.

i have no idea how long this took or how long the needles were in for but coming down from subspace and back to the real world was a bit of shock. Sometimes i have a funny reaction coming back to the real world - not always but the deeper i go the harder it seems to hit - i shake and it is very frustrating - sometimes it will last a couple of minutes and others it will happen on and off for a couple of hours. This night was no exception - it felt like it took me ages to come back - lol - i was still hovering around the edges of subspace as Sir took me home.

my headspace seems to be getting deeper and deeper each time i go there. What the depths are, where it can take me i don't know. Having someone there that one trusts implicitly is the key i think. i just have never reached this level of trust with anyone before and the rewards for serving well and giving all of myself to One are better than anything i could have ever imagined.


9/29/2009 2:05:24 AM

When i woke up this morning i was blissful. All i it would have needed to make it a perfect morning was Master's fist in my little lady.

Being the sharing caring kind of girl that i am - i sent Him a text message expressing this. Naturally a few more texts went back and forth - one of them had something about hot molten wax being poured over my arsehole and dripping over Sir's wrist and onto my clit. LOL

Sir eventually called me and decided that because i had teased Him so early in the morning with something He couldn't have that i needed a task.

i was to wear 4 pegs on my labia's to work. They were to stay on there until i finished for the day. i did happen to mention to Sir that i didn't think that 4 pegs would fit under my work pants - He fixed that for me on His second phone call. i was to wear a skirt to work and with no undies on! What is more i wasn't allowed to call Him either - so that took away my escape and begging Him to let me take them off! He thinks of everything too much of the time- lol. His two concessions were, i could reduce the pegs to 2 if it got too much and i could reposition them at any time.

Well there i was at work, no undies and 4 pegs on labia's. Sadly, i had to reduce the number of pegs to 2. It was impossible to walk without looking like i had something between my legs. Somehow i don't think that going to the Chief Financial Director's office walking like that was conducive for my job security.

At one point someone came to my office and i had to get out of my chair - i feigned a cramp in my leg as walked across the office to get the requested items. LOL

The worst bit was not having any undies on! The undies keep the pegs still to a certain extent and they catch any drips too - i wasn't dripping - i was leaking! It was like a faucett was turned on and wouldn't turn off! i had to put paper towel on my chair to catch the drips and make sure i wasn't sitting on my skirt.

Master must have known this - when He called part way through the morning, the first question He asked was,

"Do you have cum running all down your legs submissive?"

The only thing that popped out of my mouth was, "Yes Sir." Inside my head i was thinking, "You bastard, You knew!" LOL - that is the first time i have ever thought of using a nasty word in reference to my Master. i am pretty sure that from the tone in my voice He could tell i was struggling a bit and that i was being a good submissive and following instructions.

i have a friend to whom i was chatting to online and he knew what was going on - lovely man - really - i am sure of it - he is my friend for a reason i am sure. Today he was a mix of making fun at my expense and being supportive. Naturally, towards the end of it all he couldn't help himself and had to give me a running total of the time to go, 10 minutes to go!, 5 minutes to go etc LOL

Towards the end of time i was struggling to stay in the real world. Subspace was calling me. At the beginning of the day i only needed to move the pegs every 40 minutes or so then by the last hour it was down to every 10 - 20 minutes. Problem with that was, everytime i pulled one off the intense pain of removal hit me and so subspace would really try to take over. To stay in the functioning world was increasingly difficult - it was like crawling back up the beach with weights around my ankles and the waves coming and crashing over me. Hard.

At home time i couldn't get out of there quick enough. i got to my car and removed the pegs. (i have a manual car and it would have been unsafe to drive in that state) i put my head back and just drifted for a few minutes before driving home.


9/10/2009 5:53:21 AM

The Surprise

To say that i was excited was understatement. Add to that the nerves i felt about setting up the scene and planning a few things (very unsubby i know but it was His birthday present) it took an awful lot of inner strength and internal speech to get me to a level space within my head.

Well with everything set up and with me as ready as i was going to be, i called Sir and told Him i was ready.

Dressed in the white pvc nurses outfit, white lace and leatherette teddy/corset, white lace top stockings, shiny white heels and nurses hat, i greeted Sir when He arrived and welcomed Him to CPAC - the best anal clinic in the district. i had made up a little brochure for Him to let Him pick what it was He wanted to do for the evening - LOL - He picked everything.

So pulling out the medical table i had set up, i gave Him a physical, checking pulse, blood pressure and gave Him a back and shoulder massage. The Anal Health Check was next and oh boy - He tasted yummy :)

It felt strange to have Him ask, "Ok nurse, what do you want me to do next?" or "Where do you want Me?" but it was so much fun and that is what it is all about at the end of the day.

Sadly W/we didn't get through all the list of services that the anal clinic offered - kinda got stuck on the hot wax play. LOL - Sir taught me how to drip wax and from what height etc. i was a little concerned when He said that i was too close when dripping it after all i was doing from between my elbow and shoulder height like He taught me. It wasn't until afterwards that i realised between shoulder and elbow height for me is a vast difference than His - i am only 5ft and He is 6'6! MASSIVE difference in fact. i shall store that information for next time. :)

The wax play was so much fun. Dripping hot wax on each other - oooooo - then Sir decided that is should go INSIDE my arsehole - LOL. OUCH but oh so beautiful. By this stage it was about 3am so W/we cleaned up and went to bed.

The next day Sir and i took it easy and then the fun started again in the afternoon/evening. WOW!

At one point in the afternoon while Sir was giving me a flogging, He asked if i was ok - i shook my head and said no. i didn't feel as though i was handling the pain very well at all. It wasn't the noise i was making or anything external, it is what was going on inside my head. Subspace seemed to be eluding me - that place where i crave for and eat up the pain and flogging. In retrospect i can see now why it wasn't clicking inside my head - everything i have learnt to use and how to deal and what i think about wasn't there. i wasn't breathing, i wasn't counting (when something starts to feel like it is out of control, i count to five then if it is still getting out of control or is too much for me then i use my safety words - well the one that lets Sir know when i need to lighten up a little) and more importantly i wasn't focusing on the pain. All i was thinking was, i am not dealing with this very well at all. BAD MOVE. i felt like a novice all over again.

i hate crying in front of Sir, especially tears of frustration and perceived failure. He made me look at Him,, so with my teary eyes i looked up and saw my friend, my Dom, my Master and it is what happened next that makes Him a Master and sets Him apart from the rest.

He told me that i was dealing with it just fine, He chuckled a little and called me a goose. Then He reminded me that W/we don't play light anymore and these were serious floggings. He gave me a hug and then ordered me up onto the table on all fours. He then proceeded to prove to me that i deal with the pain very well by spreading my arse cheeks and sticking a needle into my rosebud, quite deeply, three times.

Later that night several amazing things happened. i got to service Sir and His arsehole - soooooo yummy - He stuck big things in my arsehole, i nearly took His fist (yay) pegs galore on my pussy - then He proceeded to crop and play with them and pull at them and tug at them. LOL - the funniest bit of that was is the confusion that took over my mind. It vasilated between "ouch" and "gee some hot wax on my arsehole would be so nice about now". All the pegs were divine with the exception of one of them and it stung like a bee everytime Sir moved it. Oh - it was interesting. LOL - at this point i realised that i wasn't using the tools that Sir has spent months and months building up in me. So i started to use them and suddenly everything just started to fall into place inside my head. :)

Now i am not saying that i didn't have a great time because i did - it was soooooo much fun and i really needed a good flogging. It just took me a little while to find my true headspace. Guess i just must have been too excited and out of practice :)

To finish the night, Sir tied me to the table so i couldn't move. Oh the feel of rope will do it for me everytime! Holy cow - if i wasn't wet beforehand. . . LOL

Bound as tight as possible, legs open, Sir put needles through my labia's. At first i thought, no the orgasms were not going to happen and i was safe. Then i felt it - deep inside they started and subspace just took over. During the ensuing hour, Sir dripped hot wax over my clit and inserted a dildo in my arse, taping it to the table. So there i was, wax encrusted clit, needles through my labia's, dildo in arse and tied tightly to the table. Every time i moved it just sent more waves through me which in turn made move some more - it was like a huge merry go round. i had to beg Sir to make it all stop. The constant orgasming was getting too much.

Now i have always taken pride in the fact that i have never really been taken to the edge of exhaustion. In fact when Sir and i first met, i did tell Him that i didn't get to that point where i couldn't do anymore. Sir has changed all that. i now take pride in the fact that Sir has taken me to that point of exhaustion.

What is the cause of this change? i am not entirely sure. Perhaps i am just getting older or it is that when i commit to a scene now with Sir, i do it entirely and properly. i give it everything i have whereas before with previous Dom's i always held some small part back. Submission has deepened with MM - it means more to me and i am able to give more of me.


9/3/2009 12:49:18 PM

Newcastle Munch

There will be a munch in Newcastle, NSW, Australia (not UK) on

Sunday 20th September
4pm


Please message me for details as i need to keep a track of the number of people coming to reserve enough space!
LOL
Last time i was expeecting about 10 and 16 turned up!


8/18/2009 12:26:22 AM

So little time . . .

Well Sir is due home in a few short days. These last few weeks have been hard not having my friend and confidant here. In His absence i have made some wonderful friends, organised and attended a munch, had a task to carry out, kids to ferry to the hospital (poor son's broken nose ), organise His birthday suprise and still live my everyday life. Despite all this He has been in my thoughts almost constantly.

i can't wait to give Him a huge kiss and hug on Sunday!


8/9/2009 10:42:13 AM

Grrrrrrr......

OK, i don't have a dummy spit very often. In fact i think you can count on one hand the number of times i have had one on here. Sincere apologies to all those this may offend but if it does offend you then maybe you have something to learn from this.

SPELLING, PUNCTUATION, GRAMMAR!

What has happened to these things?

There are some profiles up that just DON'T use it!

Now i don't claim to be perfect. i understand there is some form of etiquette that is peculiar to D/s and not everyone likes or uses it. This i can respect. i am also not the world's greatest speller so i use a dictionary! There are plenty of free online ones!
 
Who starts a written sentence with "but"? No capital for the beginning of the sentence either!

When i read an email from someone it tells me an awful lot about that person. Things i look for;

Do they use a greeting?

Is the spelling correct?

Do they sign off nicely?

Is the punctuation in the right places?

i am not a complete Nazi about these things but first impressions count and sadly most of the first impressions i have are not good. The first email should at least have a greeting and something more than "hot pics ;)".  A profile should at least show that the owner of the profile has some form of intellect and understanding of the English language.


8/7/2009 1:23:09 AM

Missing

So how do you know that you are missing someone?

For some reason i thought that i would be feeling more "loss" or emptiness.

However, when last night (ordinarily O/our coffee date night) i found myself at a loss at what to do. Thankfully i have kids that filled up the time.

Also everytime i look at my mobile phone, i think of Him.

Everytime my phone rings or a message reaches it, my insides jump, hoping that He is back in range and calling.

Everytime something even remotely kinky happens, i think of Him.

To be perfectly honest He is in my thoughts most of the time. Hoping that He is having a fantastic time and that He is safe (which i know He is).

Is this missing someone?


7/29/2009 12:32:35 PM

Loss

Yesterday i lost a dear friend.

my reaction to it was strange. Apparently he was taken ill a couple of weeks ago. i had no idea. Then to get the message yesterday afternoon while i was teaching shocked me. i think i just went numb.

i was teaching (filling for someone on holidays) and thankfully the next student didn't turn up. So being the singing teacher that i am, i used my music to help me through. i sang my grief out. i had my little cry. Cleaned myself up and carried on teaching for the rest of the evening.

When i got home i just dissolved. The tears wouldn't stop. i have had very little sleep and the depth of grief i feel has suprised me. i haven't had to deal with this kind of grief before.

It has made me stop and think just how bad a beautiful friend has been feeling at the loss of someone incredibly close to her. i knew she was grieving and still is and will be for some time to come. If this is how bad i feel with the loss of a friend, i am suprised that she can still function with loss of a family member. you know you have always had my respect and admiration but my dear today it has reached new levels - you truly are an incredible woman.Yesterday i lost a dear friend.

my reaction to it was strange. Apparently he was taken ill a couple of weeks ago. i had no idea. Then to get the message yesterday afternoon while i was teaching shocked me. i think i just went numb.

i was teaching (filling for someone on holidays) and thankfully the next student didn't turn up. So being the singing teacher that i am, i used my music to help me through. i sang my grief out. i had my little cry. Cleaned myself up and carried on teaching for the rest of the evening.

When i got home i just dissolved. The tears wouldn't stop. i have had very little sleep and the depth of grief i feel has suprised me. i haven't had to deal with this kind of grief before.

It has made me stop and think just how bad a beautiful friend has been feeling at the loss of someone incredibly close to her. i knew she was grieving and still is and will be for some time to come. If this is how bad i feel with the loss of a friend, i am suprised that she can still function with loss of a family member. you know you have always had my respect and admiration but my dear today it has reached new levels - you truly are an incredible woman.


7/23/2009 6:18:11 AM

OMG -People are Funny!


The funniest thing has just happened to me!

i was corresponding with a person on another site via their messaging system.

Anyway, this person sent me a picture and only put one word in the email itself, "hi". i thought that maybe he had hit the send without finishing the email so i asked if He had intended it that way.

The response was - "i sent you a pic let me know if you get it".

So being the good girl i am i replied to Him, "yes i did but it was very very small". The pic i got in message was tiny - it measures less than 1.5cm by 1cm! It was blurry and i could hardly see it!

Little did i know that my response would offend or upset Him. The reply i got was scathing!

"Hello,

thats not very nice i know it isnt as big as your ass or the craters in your thighs but im sure you dont mind critasism as you seem to enjoy giving it any way your ass is very very very fatt ok my cock is small but not very very very small that would have to be in conparison to your ass as per scale".

Haha - it appears the picture was one of His male appendage! LOL!

i still can't stop laughing! The wonders of modern technology and not communicating face to face. Hehehehehe! Perhaps i should have been a little more clear in my initial email letting Him know that the picture was small - but i couldn't even make out the content! How was i to know?

Hahahahahaha.

Seriously though, He has shown some true colours here. i mean for starters - i didn't request a pic let alone a dick pic, then to send one word emails! Really how am i supposed to know what He meant, i am not a mind reader. Then there is the complete lack of punctuation in His emails (see above), and the spelling! Well i am not the world's greatest speller but i use a dictionary when i am not sure and correct my mistakes when i see them.

Still it is all very amusing!

For the record though - yes i have a larger than normal arse but i don't have craters in my thighs! LOL!


7/7/2009 3:46:17 AM
Subspace, needles and more . . .

Just when i think things can't get any better or that i have reached my limits or i have let go and gone as far into head space as i possibly can, Sir shows me something more.

Before i met Sir, no-one had ever taken me to a point where i could go no futher. i always had energy to keep going even when the Dom/Domme didn't. Sunday night i was trashed - there was almost nothing left. It felt so good. i felt accomplished - complete.

Sir had me start the scene without Him - before i got to His place. The instructions were to arrive at His house, nude but for my coat and shoes, the large butt plug in my arse. i also had instructions to play, watch a porn DVD and cum before i arrived. Circumstances made it near impossible but where there is a will there is a way. Gotta love technology! i took my laptop with me in the car and pulled over somewhere quiet.

Here it was that the scene started for me.

Playing the DVD i brought with me, i watched the porn as i played with myself and inserted the butt plug. It took a few go's but in it went with an almighty orgasm. Driving with a butt plug in is not the easiest thing in the world!

i arrived at Sir's house feeling like a complete slut, ready to be used in any way that He chose. To be nothing more than three holes. Remembering the rules and the consequences for breaking the rules, i was silent unless asked to speak.

i understand now what Sir has meant all this time by that i think too much. Knowing that i wasn't allowed to speak and that i didn't have to worry about anything, all thoughts in my head disappeared. i was there, in the moment. my travel into subspace went so deep.

During the first round of flogging i found the intensity thrilling. i didn't worry about finding my headspace, i just travelled with the pain. Subspace found me. i was just there.

Sir called a break. i got a chance to take some time out for a little while. i am not sure what happened in my head during that break but i wasn't as in the moment as i was when it started. When the next round of cropping started i don't think i took it as well as i should have. Sir had me tied to the new bench on my back and was cropping new places.

i had no idea where each stroke would land and i was unprepared for that part inside my head. The sensations were amazing though and it sent me into a new kind of space. i did what i was told and relaxed and let go. Hell i never knew it could be like that.

The needles finally went into my labia's. Not two like last time but 12 - i think- i lost track of how many went in. By the time number three was in i was orgasming from the pain.

This is where the truly deep side of subspace took over. With each needle that went in, the deeper i went.

The orgasms started to take over. i just had no control over them. Sir spent time looking at me, watching my pussy swell and grow with each impending orgasm, then He would play with me, and then watch some more. i have never felt so vunerable or so safe - tied to the bench, unable to move or escape, needles in my pussy, hot wax poured over my clit.

i have no idea how long i was there for. Wave after wave of orgasm just swept me, i was so far gone in subspace that all thought was impossible. The only moment when i did think was when Sir said He was going fuck my arse. There was a half moment of panic in my head as the needles were still through my labia's but then i realised that He has always had my best interest at heart. i threw that panic out the window and just went back to succumbing to the moment. Totally awesome and out of this world.

To say that Sir is a Dom is an understatement and it is His aftercare that shows Him to be a true Master of His craft. His care of this submissive after that scene was beyond compare. He took me, cared for me and brought me back slowly into the real world. His thoughts for a scene go beyond His needs and desires and the play - it extends to all and everyone in the scene. It never ceases to amaze this sub.

Two days later i still have trophies - not an easy achievement so maybe i did ok with the cropping.

6/23/2009 6:22:29 AM
The last 24 hours has been extreme in every sense of the word.

The emotional rollercoaster hasn't been the best but this evening it has evened out and i have had the best things happen.

Some really really crappy things happened yesterday with great disappointment and some information came to light that will cause some grief and concern for a while BUT then the most wonderful things happened.

Sir helped me and took my motorbike down to be lowered so that i could ride it. Then He took me out to the industrial estate and ran me through some paces - WOW!

The feelings are so amazing. It just can't be described.

Then on the way home i got a phone call from a stranger who has asked for me to sing at a fundraising benefit night. To top it off they want me to do OPERA! Then to make it even better the wants me to sing at the opening of an art exhibition!

Two of my favourite passions all came to the rescue just when i thought i couldn't take any more grief!

Someone is looking after me.

Things happen in threes - yesterday three bad today three good. The best thing to have come out of this is that i learnt that it is often the simplest pleasures in life that bring the greatest joys.

6/21/2009 1:48:23 AM
While Sir is away . . .

So Sir is to go away for a month. It is still some time away yet - about 5 weeks to go.

Silly sad sap that i am is already wondering how much i am going to miss Him.

So the list of things to do while He is away has started :)

6/12/2009 8:43:03 PM
Good scene music

Ok so i LOVE Enigma, Enya, African drums and Perfect Circle. There are however only so many times that one can listen to what one has.

Different music suits different scenes.

At the moment i am trying to put together a nice list of varying music so that Sir and i can have something different depending on His/my mood or what the scene dictates.

Any ideas would be helpful please.

Pretty please?

Thank Y/you!


6/5/2009 2:19:37 PM
Food and Sensuality

i love cooking.

The other night i made the most amazing dinner. i just felt like cooking and so i did. Roast pork with yummy apple sauce, mash of potato and yam, minted peas, steamed carrot in a sesame glaze, cauliflower in a cheesey white sauce. YUM!

There is something so sensual about food and cooking. The feel of raw meat in your hands, the feel of a long hard carrot, the soft squishy centre of an avocado, the crispy crunch of asparagus, strawberries and cream - mmmmmmm.

LOL - just thinking about it makes me all hot and bothered.

What are your favourite sensual foods?

5/23/2009 3:00:57 PM

The other day i received a message from another CM member. Believing them to be sincere in their desire to chat we exchanged emails.

In that first conversation he was nice but then started requesting that i cam with him. Then at the end of the conversation he told me that i had to get a cam so i can talk to him through that.

As a second converstaion this morning i said Hello to which the only respone was "cam yet?" Nothing else - no hello - not even a properly constructed sentence. i said i don't own one. After the he just completely ignored me.

This is his loss not mine.

It just never ceases to amaze me the sneaks and creaps that just want to get their rocks off on the other side of this virtual world and see BDSM and D/s as an easy way of doing this.

i know in my heart that there are genuine Domsmes and subs out there. i have met many of them and they are just beautiful people.


5/10/2009 9:21:59 PM
Ok, so i don't have kinky dreams all that often but last night's was a beautiful one. Albiet stereotypical but it was oh sooooo nice.

It was my birthday and Sir was having dinner party to celebrate. All the Dom's and Domme's were seated and Their respective subs standing naked or scantliy clad behind Them. Dinner was served, eaten and the places cleared. Then my birthday present arrived.

Sir lead me by collar and lead, me crawling on all fours, to the dinner table. Here i was ordered to be on all fours in the centre of the table. i was in the middle on the table with a candelabra in front and one behind me. The table cloth felt smooth and silky underneath my hands. The blind fold was placed on me and the earplugs from ipod was put into my ears. i had no idea who was going to do what or when to me nor could i hear what was about to happen.

After what felt like an eternity i could feel hands, many hands, touching me, stroking me in all manner of places. i could also feel the drag of a flogger across my bare skin...

Then ...

the stupid kookaburra's that seem to have taken residence in the bush behind me decided that NOW was a good time to wake the neighbourhood! GRRRRRRR What a time to wake me up!

5/2/2009 3:14:21 PM
The Easter Long Weekend (Part 4 - The Final Installment)

Hehehehe - The next morning after The Crucifixion scene was awesome fun!

At some point i made a comment (smart arsed one apparently) about feeling sorry for all the poor men of this world and their inability to have multiple orgasms and just to revel in them like women can. That earnt me a flogging - HAHAHA - i still think it is funny and i know MM must have at some level too or else i wouldn't have gotten something i like so much!

Then He pulled out the paddle and started using that on my tender arse - oh poor little me - LOL - not! He then told me to roll over - there was me thinking in my overactive brain - oh please don't paddle my pussy. He didn't - He took to it with a different flogger - a nice flogger.

That is not to say it didn't hurt! Stung like the buggery! However, i came like the slut i am. It kind of took me by suprise and i don't recall asking for permission to cum - it just happened. i am not a big one for pussy torture, i never have been so to have my little lady respond in this way was a huge suprise! To add to the suprise i came several times before He stopped.


Before breakfast Sir gave me some free time to play while He had a shower. Now earlier that morning (when the clamps were on my nipples) i had wondered what it would feel like to have them on my clit. Something that Sir has taught me is not to sit there and wonder what if - just do it!

With Sir in the bathroom i thought i would find out - hehehehe. Next thing Sir knew this slut was calling, "Sir! Sir! Come quick and look at this!" He came out took one look and laughed at me said one word, "slut". Then He went back to the shower saying that if they were still there when He got out He would smack it. LOL as if i was going to let that happen so i took it off. Sir re-entered the bedroom very quickly and told me to put them back on - so i did and he took a pic for me! Then He went for His shower properly.

This slut's mind was racing overtime and so i thought i would make a nice little presentation for Him to look at when He got out of the shower. Finding a nice spot on my labia's i put the clover clamps on them and lay back on the bed and waited for Him to finish. The most amazing thing started to happen - i started drifting into subsace again!

Sir came out of the shower and then made roll over onto all fours! ouchy ouchy ouch! Then my poor tortured arsehole got a finger fucking. Sir stuck another dildo in there and took a pic - LOL, i wasn't fully aware of what He was doing - i was too busy enjoying the subspace!

It was time for breakfast so Sir ordered me down the stair - with clamps still in tact! More ouchies and He told me to lean against the kitchen bench and wiggle my butt. He wanted to hear the chains jiggling. Everytime i slowed down He ordered the pace to pick up. Hell, it hurt - really not sure i like the clamps but i like what it does to me - if that makes any sense.

FINALLY i was allowed to stop and make Sir His coffee and breakfast. It was kinda funny taking the clamps off myself and the endorphin rush after they were off made making breakfast an interesting experience!

During breakfast i kept looking at Sir and feeling bad for it as i still had my collar on. Sir also said during breakfast that i needed to be finished off - i think i had too much energy for His liking - HAHAHA!

He took me upstairs and gave me two really really good hard whacks of the spiked paddle. AWESOME! Then He placed pegs on my tits and little lady. Then He tok of my collar put me to bed and said i could remove the pegs when i wanted to. Kissed me goodbye and left.

Ah bliss!

5/1/2009 4:53:12 AM

The Easter Long Weekend (Part 3)


MM had set up the video camera and after positioning me the way He wanted, W/we did a short video introduction of who i was, what W/we were going to do and why W/we were doing it. i have to say at this point - i hate looking at myself on video or in photos! LOL

Crucifixion

Before MM's style of cruxifiction, there was the torment, then the trial, then the crucifixion.

The Torment

MM gave me a huge hug and asked me again if i was ready. Again the reply was in the affirmative.

He positioned me half bent over holding onto the large wooden rail at the end of my rather tall bed and told me to put the blind fold on. Walking behind and around me, He smacked my arse a few times. i heard Him walk away and start to rummage through His bag. A short time later He came back and ordered me to open my mouth and then close it.

"Hold onto that." was the instruction. It felt like a long piece of bias binding and there was a heavy weight attached to it.

"Oh my God!" The words tumbled out of my mouth without thought.
"What was that submissive?" He was taunting me.
"i said, 'Oh my God,' Sir. This is heavy." Even though the words were muffled with the weight hanging out, Sir understood every word.
"Yes that is going to hang off the clamps - I have two of them."

At this point i wasn't sure if He was serious or was just trying to psyche me out. i kept my focus on my breathing choosing the later thought of being psyched out and i wasn't going to let that happen - honestly, He couldn't be serious about hanging something that heavy - or could He?

He was moving around the room, getting things ready. Then He took the weight out of my mouth, tested the length of cord He had against the length of my legs, commenting that He thought He had it all about right. i was then ordered to go downstairs and lean against the kitchen bench.

Standing there, hand spread out facing the bench, my arse and pussy exposed, Sir placed the clover clamps onto my labias. All i could do was focus on the breathing. i am not sure when He put the weights on - all i could feel was the searing pain of the clamps. With the weights they pulled even tighter than i remember them ever having pulled before.

Sir backed away and went and sat on the armchair in the next room. He told me to stand up. OUCH! Movement hurt! Oh it so fucking hurt!

i knew what i had to do but i waited for the instruction. When told to walk, i did so. The swaying of the weight was torment but i got the hang of it and made it to Sir. He hugged me and told me, "Well done but you aren't finished yet." i knew what i had to do. He turned me in the direction of the staircase and to it i walked. All this while Sir was being a wonderful source of strength and encouragment. Telling me to take my time He ordered me to walk up the stairs.

Each step, one at a time. The first step i got up and it wasn't so bad. The second and subsequent steps were of a different story! If i took the step too fast, the weight that was hanging down between my legs at ankle height, would bash hard into the step i had just left. SEARING PAIN! If i took the steps too slow then the weight would drag slowly over the carpet and hook itself on the lip of the upcoming step. SEARING PAIN! At the first landing, Sir told me to take a breather before continuing. While there He told me to take my time, that i didn't have to rush it. i said something back to Him about if i didn't rush it then i would give up. So i kept going at a steady pace with that weight bashing the crap out of the stairs! i was seriously afraid that if i did stop then all my courage would leave me.

The sense of achievement when i reached the top of the stairs was incredible! The relief that i had been able to do it was astounding - but it only flashed for a few seconds before i heard Sir's voice, "Come on, you have to get to the bedroom first before i take off the weights." my stomach felt like it hit the floor. So gathering up my waning resolve i walked with those heavy weights into the bedroom and leant over the edge of the bed. Sighing with relief.

Sir took the weights off - wow! They really were the ones He put in my mouth earlier. What a difference it made!

Now, for those of Y/you who are familiar with clover clamps or clamps of any description, Y/you will know that the worst part is the release of the clamps. Now clover clamps get tighter the more stress and weight that is applied to them - so these were at their tightest! OMFG! When they came off there was a massive rush of endorphines that hit my body to cope with it. If i wasn't already leaning against the bed, i would have fallen over.

Sir insisted that i take a break and have a drink before W/we proceeded with the Trial.

The Trial

Now, i LOVE bondage - especially rope bondage - sends me on the path to subspace very very quickly and makes me all wet and horny too. LOL i know i am such a slut!

Sir had me kneel on all fours on the bed. He secured my ankles to the bedposts then got me to lower my chest to the bed and put my hands down between my legs. Securing my wrists together and then to my ankles i was unable to move (there may have been more rope but i was already sailing from the rope already there) i was bound tight with my arse poking up in the air. To add the finishing touch, Sir used some medical tape to hold my arse cheeks open. i was just drifting.

The first needle went into my anus and i screamed. It was a shock - i wasn't expecting it to be that bad. Then the second, more screams, the third, i tried to control the words coming out of my mouth but was unsucessful. The fourth one went in and it was sharp as anything! All these needles were going into my anus - not my arse cheeks but my acutual anus. Sir stood up and walked around to my head and said, "That is four submissive. Keep going?" i nodded and said, "Yes please Sir." There were supposed to be 10 going in - one for each of the commandments. i wasn't going to give up.

"Good girl" and that made my day. i knew i could do it.

Sir put another two in - i think i might have been screaming too much cos He stopped and walked around to my head and checked to see if i could keep going. There was no way i was going to give up! Yes they hurt going in - a lot - but it was really doing wonders to my head and once they were in it didn't hurt anymore.

MM finished the next four, i lost count somewhere around 7 or 8. i was drifting in subspace bigtime. i felt Sir stand and walk around to my head. He leant over me, kissed my back, and told me i had done it and had done it well. Content in that i just enjoyed the sensations that were flooding my body. Sir took some pictures for me so i could see later and then took the needles out. Untieing me, He lay me down and cuddled my while i came back to earth.

After i had come down a little He said He needed to talk seriously to me about the crucifixion part of the scene. He wasn't sure i could handle it and was going to call it off. He must have seen the disappointment on my face or read it off my body language or both cos He said that He would modify it and i would get one needle in my labia rather than 12. So that way i would get to finish The Crucifixion.

The Crucifixion

So it was going to be modified. Was i disapointed? - incredibly. Did i trust that my Dom knew what He was doing? - most definitely. Did i trust that He knew when to call a scene short? - yes. Still doesn't mean i have to like it! LOL - i just have to do as i am told and accept His ruling.

Sir chose not to tie me down this time. i lay on my back with legs spread with the instruction that if i moved then i could seriously hurt myself. So i focused my energies on staying still.
i felt the tip of the needle and breathed in. Again, OMFG - it was worse than i expected but in a really really good way. i could feel the buzzing of subspace hit quickly. The intense pain was gone and i was left in subby land - but something was feeling out of place - out of balance. i couldn't quite put my finger on it then i realised what it was. All the sensation was kind of lopsided. There was nothing in the second labia. This slutty submissive respectfully asked MM if He would put another needle in her labia.

He looked at me very serious like, so serious like that i almost giggled, and said, "you may have one more but this will be the last. No more after this."

Once more i felt the intense sharp pain of the needle and it just shoved me over the edge! Subspace like i have never experienced before. So deep. Sir lifted my blindfold to check on me and the influx of light jerked me out for a little while but it didn't take long to go back. i could feel the needles there in my labia and it felt good. MM took pictures for me to look at later. When i did, i realised why it was worse than i expected - He put them THROUGH my labias not IN like i was expecting.

At the end of it all, Sir took out the needles and told me that i did a good job. He set me up on the bed and lay there cuddling me again as i started to come back to reality. i must have gone very deep into my subspace as i was shaking as i came out of it. To have Sir there holding me softened the fall and made the transition easier. i am not sure how long it took to come back but i was floating for hours afterwards.

W/we both curled up to sleep later only wake and have some ridiculous fun the next morning - yet again another blog posting cos this one is tooooooo long!


4/26/2009 2:10:05 AM
Easter Long Weekend (Part 2)

Good Friday

MM had said that He wanted me perfect for my crucifixion that day so my preparations were meticulous. Knowing what was to happen there was calmness to everything i did and everything felt focused. Every time i thought about what Sir had planned this excited calmness swept through me.

MM’s had directed the previous night that i was to greet Him at the door, naked, except for wrist and ankle cuffs, and stockings and shoes. He had also told me what He wanted for the Crucifixion so i laid those clothes out ready for after dinner.

Preparations

During my preparations i looked at the time and realised that unless i ran around like a mad chook with it’s head cut off i wasn’t going to be perfectly ready. Now, previous to this, i would have just run around like a mad chook but using the tools that Sir has meticulously spent the last 12 months giving me, i called Him and respectfully asked for another 30 minutes to complete my preparations. This He granted easily. To say i was nervous in this request is an understatement but He didn’t scold, punish, or get upset – HUGE relief. He asked what the problem was and when i told Him He gave me a solution. As things turned out, i didn’t need the whole half hour extra anyway – i was ready with 20 minutes to spare. As i hadn’t gone into my normal panic mode in getting ready and rushing to make sure i was on time and had done what Sir told me to do, i kept that inner calm and was very ready for Sir when He arrived.

When He did arrive, Sir looked smashing! He too had dressed up for the occasion. This did make me feel special and honoured – and He really did look good in His nice black shirt. Mmmmmm, something about a Dom all dressed in black that sets this girl’s loins pumping. Not that anything needed ANY encouragement that night – LOL.

Sir brought in all His equipment then He placed my collar on me.
Sir’s plan for the evening was revisited, lots of nice D/s fucking until dinner so that my head would be settled and in the right space for later. Then i was to make dinner and after dinner to go and get myself ready for the Crucifixion. Sir would inspect me and then it would take place.

Slap and Tickle

Downstairs there was lots of sucking, licking and all sorts of fun stuff. Sir even got me on the kitchen bench where He proceeded to do all sorts of rude stuff to me. i think perhaps it made me the right height! Before W/we headed up stairs Sir made several comments on how relaxed and calm i was. Actually, i think W/we both were super calm and super focused. Upstairs the slap and tickle continued.

A First for me
Now, given my age and years and level of experience, O/one would be forgiven for thinking that i had tasted cum before. i have not. i have always played safe so that meant no exchange of bodily fluid and when i was married my exhubby never came in my mouth either – lol – it took him almost 10 years before he even thought about licking my clit. Things like that were considered gross! So, i have never ever even so much as tasted it – with the exception of one drop that Sir stuck on my tongue some months ago.

Sir had a plan to rectify this problem – He was going to slowly introduce me to it and build up to me taking His cum in my mouth. Well that kind of all went out the window this night.
W/we were just having so much fun and as i was busy keeping my place at Sir’s cock – i heard Him say to stop as He was going to cum then He quickly changed His mind and told me to take it – all of it. This all happened in a split second. Then a few seconds later i was swallowing Sir’s precious juices. It was a shock at first for the taste was nothing like i had ever experienced – salty and different. i just kept doing what i was doing and sucking and swallowing but oh boy! Sir cum’s bucket loads and i at one point i almost chocked but i just held it there till i breathed again and then swallowed everything and kept swallowing and sucking. Not a drop spilt – i was incredibly proud of myself. That feeling was boosted by Sir telling me i did a good job– LOL – that was also quickly followed by a “you can go throw up if you need to”. Hahahaha – just for the record, no i didn’t need to and no i didn’t throw up.

Dinner

Not long after this i went downstairs to make dinner. Thai fish cakes and salad with a special dressing. It was just divine. I think that Sir liked it too. Not ever having made this dish before i was surprised at just wonderful and easy it was – and how tasty.

During the meal, i asked Sir if He could please remove my collar. Trying to be very very mindful of the fact that i am not supposed to look up at Sir when i have my collar on, i was really struggling. Having an ordinary conversation while one is collared just doesn’t work if one isn’t free to express emotion and look at the person they are talking to. So He very kindly obliged. Desert was yummy too – even though i had already had mine. LOL

Crucifixion Preparation

Receiving permission to start getting ready i ducked into the shower and completely washed down and out. Getting out of the shower i perfumed my body and started on my hair. Sir wanted it all out and straightened. Now i have a lot of hair so it took some time to straighten especially given that the switch on the hair straightener decided that it was a good time to give trouble.

Make up was done to perfection with red slutty lips – just for effect i went one shade lighter on the base – it had the desired effect – hehehe. Lace top stockings and shiny black patent super high heels. Sir helped me put on my red cinchier – then all that was needed was the collar. A sub feels so naked without it.

Before placing the collar on me, Sir checked that i knew what was about to happen and that i was ready for it.
Collar on – scene started.

This will have to wait for the next instalment as this one is loooooong enough already!

4/26/2009 2:09:53 AM
Easter Long Weekend (Part 2)

Good Friday

MM had said that He wanted me perfect for my crucifixion that day so my preparations were meticulous. Knowing what was to happen there was calmness to everything i did and everything felt focused. Every time i thought about what Sir had planned this excited calmness swept through me.

MM’s had directed the previous night that i was to greet Him at the door, naked, except for wrist and ankle cuffs, and stockings and shoes. He had also told me what He wanted for the Crucifixion so i laid those clothes out ready for after dinner.

Preparations

During my preparations i looked at the time and realised that unless i ran around like a mad chook with it’s head cut off i wasn’t going to be perfectly ready. Now, previous to this, i would have just run around like a mad chook but using the tools that Sir has meticulously spent the last 12 months giving me, i called Him and respectfully asked for another 30 minutes to complete my preparations. This He granted easily. To say i was nervous in this request is an understatement but He didn’t scold, punish, or get upset – HUGE relief. He asked what the problem was and when i told Him He gave me a solution. As things turned out, i didn’t need the whole half hour extra anyway – i was ready with 20 minutes to spare. As i hadn’t gone into my normal panic mode in getting ready and rushing to make sure i was on time and had done what Sir told me to do, i kept that inner calm and was very ready for Sir when He arrived.

When He did arrive, Sir looked smashing! He too had dressed up for the occasion. This did make me feel special and honoured – and He really did look good in His nice black shirt. Mmmmmm, something about a Dom all dressed in black that sets this girl’s loins pumping. Not that anything needed ANY encouragement that night – LOL.

Sir brought in all His equipment then He placed my collar on me.
Sir’s plan for the evening was revisited, lots of nice D/s fucking until dinner so that my head would be settled and in the right space for later. Then i was to make dinner and after dinner to go and get myself ready for the Crucifixion. Sir would inspect me and then it would take place.

Slap and Tickle

Downstairs there was lots of sucking, licking and all sorts of fun stuff. Sir even got me on the kitchen bench where He proceeded to do all sorts of rude stuff to me. i think perhaps it made me the right height! Before W/we headed up stairs Sir made several comments on how relaxed and calm i was. Actually, i think W/we both were super calm and super focused. Upstairs the slap and tickle continued.

A First for me
Now, given my age and years and level of experience, O/one would be forgiven for thinking that i had tasted cum before. i have not. i have always played safe so that meant no exchange of bodily fluid and when i was married my exhubby never came in my mouth either – lol – it took him almost 10 years before he even thought about licking my clit. Things like that were considered gross! So, i have never ever even so much as tasted it – with the exception of one drop that Sir stuck on my tongue some months ago.

Sir had a plan to rectify this problem – He was going to slowly introduce me to it and build up to me taking His cum in my mouth. Well that kind of all went out the window this night.
W/we were just having so much fun and as i was busy keeping my place at Sir’s cock – i heard Him say to stop as He was going to cum then He quickly changed His mind and told me to take it – all of it. This all happened in a split second. Then a few seconds later i was swallowing Sir’s precious juices. It was a shock at first for the taste was nothing like i had ever experienced – salty and different. i just kept doing what i was doing and sucking and swallowing but oh boy! Sir cum’s bucket loads and i at one point i almost chocked but i just held it there till i breathed again and then swallowed everything and kept swallowing and sucking. Not a drop spilt – i was incredibly proud of myself. That feeling was boosted by Sir telling me i did a good job– LOL – that was also quickly followed by a “you can go throw up if you need to”. Hahahaha – just for the record, no i didn’t need to and no i didn’t throw up.

Dinner

Not long after this i went downstairs to make dinner. Thai fish cakes and salad with a special dressing. It was just divine. I think that Sir liked it too. Not ever having made this dish before i was surprised at just wonderful and easy it was – and how tasty.

During the meal, i asked Sir if He could please remove my collar. Trying to be very very mindful of the fact that i am not supposed to look up at Sir when i have my collar on, i was really struggling. Having an ordinary conversation while one is collared just doesn’t work if one isn’t free to express emotion and look at the person they are talking to. So He very kindly obliged. Desert was yummy too – even though i had already had mine. LOL

Crucifixion Preparation

Receiving permission to start getting ready i ducked into the shower and completely washed down and out. Getting out of the shower i perfumed my body and started on my hair. Sir wanted it all out and straightened. Now i have a lot of hair so it took some time to straighten especially given that the switch on the hair straightener decided that it was a good time to give trouble.

Make up was done to perfection with red slutty lips – just for effect i went one shade lighter on the base – it had the desired effect – hehehe. Lace top stockings and shiny black patent super high heels. Sir helped me put on my red cinchier – then all that was needed was the collar. A sub feels so naked without it.

Before placing the collar on me, Sir checked that i knew what was about to happen and that i was ready for it.
Collar on – scene started.

This will have to wait for the next instalment as this one is loooooong enough already!

4/24/2009 6:24:47 AM
Easter Long Weekend (Part 1)

Ok so this was set to be my longest blog ever but sooooo much has happened over these three days. I have been challenged, had a surprise mini scene, cum i don’t know how many times, and been an out and out little pain slut. So instead i have cut it into several smaller blogs and will add each one daily.

MM had a scene planned to symbolise the current holiday season – my apologies now for all those who may take offence at this but if Y/you do then perhaps D/s and role playing aren’t for Y/you– He called it “slut’s crucifixion”. This was to take place on Good Friday. So Thursday evening W/we met for O/our normal coffee and to discuss things for the following day.

Easter Thursday

i received a phone call earlier in the afternoon from MM asking if i had gotten the long bootlace that He had asked me to get. I responded in the positive and He told me to bring it with me. So a very curious me tucked it into my handbag and left for the rendezvous point at the allotted time. At some point during the conversation i handed Him the bootlace – He tied a hangman’s noose with it and told me that is was a makeshift collar. One that i could wear in public under my clothing – one that people wouldn’t think twice about seeing. He put it on me and said that W/we were going for a drive.
It was dark and the main road was lit by only the street lights. He pulled into a street running of the main road and then quickly pulled into a dirt track. W/we ended up in a small clearing that was about 50m from the main road and everything was clearly visible. It was one of those spots that was “publically private”.
Stopping the car, He said to me, “I am going to get you to take off all your clothes and then I am going to drive off and leave you here. I take your clothes and will come back for you later.”
All i can remember doing is taking in a big breath and a tingly feeling went through my body. “Yes Sir” is about all i could manage to get out of me. Then i was thinking that He wasn’t serious and wondering if He was or wasn’t. He continued to talk and then i realised that He was being very serious. Getting out of the car, He gave me a big hug then told me to look at Him. At that point He gave me the chance to back out and say no. Choice made – i was doing it.

Taking off my clothes, i handed them to MM – He let me keep my phone just in case and told me that i could play with myself if i chose to. He then took my clothes and drove off. LOL one of the first things i did was to hide in the shadows and check the time. Knowing that i had to pick up a child from work i sent him a text saying i was going to be late. Then i decided i needed to warm up as it wasn’t exactly hot that night. It didn’t take long for me to get hot – HAHA – i was already wet as a sponge and with no underwear to catch anything it was dripping onto my thighs! So, i decided to play with myself. Hehehe, have to say at this point that masturbating in the open where one could get spotted is really quite a naughty turn-on. Cumming while standing up isn’t though – haha. I am sure there is something biological that means a woman shouldn’t be standing when she orgasms – makes it awfully hard to stay standing when one’s legs are turning to jelly.

i am not sure how long MM was gone for but it didn’t feel like too long before headlights were coming back down the track. At first i thought to go and meet the car but then i thought “Hmmmm, s’pose i had best make some effort at hiding like He said to if anyone came.” So i ducked in behind a clump of trees. Apparently it didn’t hide me too well as He said later that He could see me. LOL.

So how did it make me feel to be exposed and vunerable like that? Well i felt exposed and vunerable - but i also felt like i had shaken off some things of the past - it was liberating - almost cleansing.

He took me back to my car, said goodnight and told me to be ready for my ordeal the next day.

4/5/2009 9:33:50 PM

Restrictions

Recently a sub friend has had a rather large restriction placed upon her and she is excited about it. It got me to thinking about restrictions and the reasons as to why us subby girls get so excited about them even when they seem strange and unreasonable to the outside world and to others within the community.

i would LOVE to hear O/others opinions on this - so please write to me and let know.

The thoughts i have had thus far on the subject are that it doesn't matter what the restriction or task is - it is the fact that it is something that has been dictated by Master/Mistress. To us it puts them in to front or our minds.
Do Master's and Mistress' realise that this is the effect they have on us? Do restrictions/tasks keep us in Their minds throughout their day? Just respectfully very curious about the 'Other side' of the coin.

To us as well it involves a commitment on our part to prove ourselves and our ongoing worthiness to Master/Mistress.

It is more than just a physical form of submission too - it crosses over to the mental and emotional side of things too. we have to stop and think about our actions and keep the restriction within our minds and hearts whenever we start heading into treacherous waters.

i know that there are Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistress' out there who set tasks ans restrictions to subs to give them something to do and get the sub out of Their hair for a while. i have seen it and these tasks are usually all encompassing, like write a journal about what you have done the last hour, every hour. There is no room or thought for anything else. Then there are other tasks and restrictions that get set from the jealousy of Doms/Dommes/Masters/Mistress' hearts. This i do not understand as the good subs i know would never do anything but be faithful to their One.


3/30/2009 12:55:45 PM

Dream Fairy hits again!

Ok so the dream seemed innocuous enough. Strange but harmless.

For some reason i kept dreaming about mathematical conversions. Things like kilo's to pounds and kilometres to miles. All very wierd.

It started out at my old work and then somehow i ended up in a school environment. i was rewarded with chocolates everytime i got the answer right and fined $3.23c everytime i got it wrong. Extremely strange amount too.

Then all of a sudden i was being punished with the cane and being rewarded with HUGE dildos being inserted into every hole! In the middle of this dream i found myself deliberately getting the answers wrong!

Confusion and choices abound.

Then Sir made an appearance and stopped the canning! Apparently i wasn't learning anything with that on offer or as a choice. LOL Then He disappeared and the punishments changed.

i had to stand in the corner like a naughty school girl until i got the answers right. Then the rewards - oh YUUUUUMMMMM - floggings with my favourite purple flogger - across my back and bottom. Talk about seventh heaven.

Then i woke up with the stupid kookaburras laughing outside!


3/26/2009 4:05:17 AM

Understanding . . .

Sir reads my blogs, i know this but it doesn't stop me or affect what i am writing. These blogs are, as Sir puts it, "brutally honest", and they let Him see where my head is at. Combine Sir's reading of the blog about O/our last scene and His thoughts and reactions to it, W/we had a good long and honest talk last night (about three hours worth). As a result i did not sleep very well at all, between the feelings of guilt and being cranky with myself i just tossed and turned all night. Then i realised that this isn't doing any good and so started to think things through. Sir would not want or approve of me dwelling in self pity and sorrow - but pro-active thought and action is different so i changed what i was doing and here i am now writing.

Now, as a rule, i do not compare one Master/Mistress with another nor do i compare one scene with another. After last night's discussion i think this is perhaps a niave and childish way of approaching things. It doesn't allow for growth and understanding. Sir is exactly the opposite, He thinks about things, analyses them, and i have come to realise that it helps Him understand what worked, what doesn't and how to make it better for next time or what to do if things aren't going the way He wanted or planned.

He helped me to understand how my actions are taken from His point of view - something that i had never really given an awful lot of thought to. Again, another niave and childish way of doing things.

Sir asked me where my head was at the other night. He doesn't often have to admonish me in scene and He hasn't ever really had to do it a several times. At first i didn't quite understand where He was coming from and He told me that i wasn't really there - or more to the point that 'slut' was nowhere. It was just mara and she was being timid. It was like going back to a first scene. He totally agreed that as soon as He walked in the door that all my courage left me. It wasn't just the words that got stuck in my mouth everything else got stuck too.

When i compare what it was like for me the last scene to the scene when i was at slut's best, my head was in a completely different space. i had completely let go. In my head and heart i literally said, "fuck it" and i just enjoyed it all.

There has also been an ongoing issue with my following Sir's two most basic requirements of me when scening.

The first is eye contact restriction. i have always been hopeless at it and always forever getting into trouble for it. There is something in me that continues to seek out Sir's eyes. i think that maybe it has to do with knowing what His reaction to things is and seeking approval. The eyes tell us a thousand things in one glance but i did not in a million years ever think that it is seen as challenge. In all my years of BDSM and D/s no-one has ever explained this to me and i have never sought the reason as to why Master's did it. Now i know and knowing will help me. i would never want to challenge Sir - LOL - He is so much bigger than i and would always win.

The second is where my place is when not doing anything or under instruction to do something. my place is at His cock and arse. There was some confusion in my mind as to what that meant. i wasn't sure if He meant that i was to sit there quietly as in be in that physical place or if i was allowed to play with Sir's BD and WA (BD = Big Dick, WA = Wonderful Arse). Last night Sir asked me directly what i thought it meant and i was forced to admit that i didn't know. It was here as well that i had to tell Him about my understanding of the right and honour to be allowed to touch Sir's BD and WA. It is just that, an honour. To have Sir cum on me is an even bigger one but to have Sir cum in me is the ultimate honour. Again, now i know precisely what He wants and expects, the knowing will help me.

After i got over my attack of the guilts about not following through on these things i came to realise just what an honour Sir was bestowing on me by making this my place. He could have me doing a hundred other things but He hasn't. This is what He sees me fit for and when i realised this at 3am this morning it filled me with immense pride. His requirement and the way i perceive the honour of being allowed to touch Him don't have to clash - they are part of the same thing.

The thing that MM did scold about is the fact that despite the fact that my head wasn't in the right space, i just kept trying to push through. Forcing a situation never works and my stupid stubborn pride got in the way and i kept at it. Sir is extremely good at reading me and could see that my head wasn't there. So when it came time for a wonderful walloping and funtastic anal play - i was given a little but not much. He told me last night that at the time i didn't deserve it and so He stopped. i have to communicate to Him what is going on in my head, no more pride - there is no chance that i can fail if i tell Him what is going on. It is when i don't tell Him that i do fail.

Something i realised too last night during O/our talk is that at the time i didn't know that i wasn't in the best of headspaces. This is something that i need to learn to recognise and communicate.

Sir is different and unorthadox in many ways and has a completely different take on a lot of things but i love it and enjoy it. Being able to have the right to express things and to ask for my hearts desires is something new for me. To have Him take the time and have the patience to show me another way is an honour - no - it is more than that, there really aren't any words that i can think of that will adequately express how amazed i am that someone really thinks i worth the time and effort. Thus far in almost 20 years of submission i have only ever really just done as i was told. To have someone teach me, to guide me, and i mean mentally and emotionally, isn't something i have had a lot of. Most of my ex-Master's have just required the basics from me and nothing more. i have liked them and had a good connection with each of them, i even fell in love/adoration with my last Master but they never asked of anything more of me than the physical. Maybe it was because of my situation - i don't know.

i know that there is something holding me back. i know what it is. i need to express it to Sir and soon as it is impacting on the quality of play and my ability to let go and serve Sir to the very best of my ability. To share this with Him is, to me, an emotionally risky thing and extremely hard for me to do. i know in my heart that O/our friendship is secure and He wouldn't turn His back on me because of it but it is my own insecurities and fears about the future and the old "what if" merry go round that is stopping me from sharing this with Him. This isn't fair to Him and now i understandt that ultimately could be taken as sign of disrespect and mistrust - which it isn't from my part. It is the fear of loosing what W/we have.

Now however, it is a new phase of my life, i am ready and free to really embrace my submission and explore where it can take me. It is time to shake off the restrictions and shackles and misnomers of the past.


3/22/2009 4:35:45 AM

slut is BACK!

Ok - so some down-time to get myself well was all i needed.

W/we went out to Hellfire on Friday night and it was good. Dinner was GREAT - just wish i could remember the name of the place as i want to go back there - best Thai food i have eaten in a long long while!

i have to have a moment to gloat - i looked good and there were people stopping and looking at me as i walked down the street. Gotta love what a corset does for a girl's figure - or it might have been the less than knee length skirt or the fishnet tights and funky shoes - LOL. Not sure what it was but i felt good and felt like i looked good so that is all that matters.

Shopping was great - LOL - bought myself a new dildo and a new studded paddle.

Saturday saw Sir give me a light spanking with the new paddle so when W/we joined my friends for breakfast in the hotel that morning it was a little on the "reminding me who i was" side when i moved in my seat.

Saturday night - WOW!

After having a sleep, i woke up all wet and horny. All through my preparations and getting myself ready, i could feel slut waking up so to speak. Having been given the task of finding new ways to greet Sir at the door my mind was in overdrive. i wanted to give myself to Him and show Him appropriately - i knew how i wanted to do it.

The plan was to be naked so as to show Him that there was nothing to hide - cuffed ankles and wrists, to be bound by Him at His choosing - hair in pony tail as this is how He likes it.
Naked and on my knees, eyes cast downwards, palms up with the cane resting across them, collar on the floor in front of me, i waited patiently for Him to arrive, i rehearsed what i wanted to say in my head over and over.

Sir knocked on the door, and i said, "Come in". Then all my courage left me - the words just got stuck in my head and didn't leave my mouth.

Sir took the cane and collared me and then kissed me. He told me to go upstairs and He followed with that wonderful cane in His hand, gently tapping it on my buttocks.

After set up and giving Sir a wonderful cock and ball massage, He gave me something i have been craving for the last three weeks. A good long hard flogging. It is here that i realised slut was back. Everything just went out the window - all i was focused on was breathing and the music. The pain from each stroke increased as Sir headed out of the warm up phase. Talk about stinging! i almost came several times.

A few times "mara" started to creep back in but a stern warning from Sir made it all bearable again. Loosing focus within it all is not a good thing. Then the new paddle with the studs came out. Oh boy the studs are a little sharper than what i had wanted or anticipated - but WOW!

It is here where i felt that slut started to slip. The new rule of counting to ten before i call orange was just so hard to grasp hold of - at one point i couldn't even focus to count and controlling the urge to yell orange in a panic i forced myself to breathe, and focus and then count - slowly i counted - then t took a few more and then counted again and then called it. i pushed myself beyond what i thought i could take and took a little bit more. The reason i called orange when i did is because i felt like i was about to loose complete control - MM had already reprimanded me for coming off my knees and flopping flat - my arms were really shaking and i could feel the control of them disappearing. So the thought in my head of calling or risking MM getting upset with me was foremost in my mind - the pain was stinging actually the pain was really intense but soooooo divine and i was drifting into a wonderful subspace.

While still drifting in and out of this subspace MM started to work on my arsehole and WOOPEEEEEE - WOW - FANSTASTIC! Hehehehe - new paddle was awesome and so was the new DILDO! SUPER AWESOME FUCK! Shame MM called a halt to it all - i really wanted to see if i could take His fist!

Servicing MM afterwards made me even hornier again - what i wouldn't have given for Him to stick His hand in my arse

Unfortunately for me though it appears as though Sir is a bigger slut for anal play than i am - hehehe - will have to await permission to tell the world what He did before i write it here. So stay tuned . . . LOL


3/2/2009 1:37:36 AM

Hot steamy night!


The other night was awesome!

It was a night of hot steamy and peverted sex!

slut really came out to play in a big way. Letting go of everything from my day, from my life and focusing on just One person's needs, wants, desires set her free.

No pain Sir said, LOL that lasted all of about 5 minutes - hehehe - and i am glad, cos i like my pain. Love it in fact!

Instructions were to greet Sir to be lying on my back, in the hallway in front of the door, wearing stockings, heels, wrist and ankle cuffs, and playing feverishly with my clit. MMMMMMMMMMM. Gotta say i tasted good too

Hours and hours of me servicing Master in any way He wanted - i felt complete. Content, relaxed and happy. To be taken in such a way is amazing - back to basics D/s.

For the last few months all O/our sessions have been fairly intense and it was nice to bring it down a few levels. What's more, to do it with slut's new outlook on things made it so much more enjoyable.

At one point it became all consuming - all i wanted was to feel Sir's BD in my pussy and to be fucked hard! i became almost animal like in my pursuit of it. It was seriously starting to verge on some form of dominance/switching (WHICH I AM NOT) and little bells were going off in my head telling me it was wrong - and i thought, 'stuff it - Sir won't let it tip over, He told me that i could have free reign tonight.'

He didn't let me down. His Dom instincts took over too - and i was brought gently back to earth - omg.

Sir's arsehole was super slutty! LOL In this aspect i dare to venture that He is a bigger slut than me! Watching Him enjoy what i was doing, knowing that i pleasing Sir made it all worthwhile. It has been a little while since i feel i have been able to do it well enough to really please Him. Last night i know i did well. hehehe

Everything just seemed to work - it all fell into place. The way it should do


2/26/2009 8:05:27 PM

MM


Last night i had the usual Thursday night coffee with MM.
There were a few things that amazed me about Him.
1) He remembers when my icky girly thing is due!

2) Man, can He talk! LOL

But mostly the thing that stuck in my mind the most about last night's discussion is how He felt about O/our scenes.
Accourding to Him, because of the way i am and the level to which i will let go and submit to Him, it makes Him want to 'step up to the plate'. He wants to be a better Dom because of me.

i honestly don't think He has any idea just how moved i was by that.


2/24/2009 3:44:09 AM

SLUT has arrived!


It has been over a week since the last session with MM and i have had some time to think some things through and get crap sorted in my own head.

The session started off very badly - all my own fault and i am ever so sorry for it. Basically i ignored the first rule of being a submissive and didn't look after myself properly. When MM arrived i was very ill - to the point of Him telling me that the whole thing had to be called off. i was so looking forward to the planned session and to say i was distressed was an understatement. However, He is the Dom and it is/was His call. Luckily for me after about 30 minutes i came good. Eating is an important part of life - lol - i won't be missing meals again like that!

i am almost positive that it did put a damper on the night for both of U/us. LESSON LEARNT - Look after oneself or one becomes useless! That buzzy light headed feeling in the head isn't always subspace.

Eventually the night got so much better.

So slut came out to play and she had a ball!

MM requested that for 'slut's' first session that i count to ten before i called orange then call it in a resonable and responsible manner if i still felt the need to. WOW did that work wonders! LOL

The pain barrier wasn't an issue - in fact it was more my mental attitude. i remember at one point calling 'orange' because i was afraid of just how deep i was getting into it all. Then i thought, "fuck it - that is what tonight is all about" Haha - at that moment i realised that slut was here and ready to play.

LESSON LEARNT - Let go, really really let go, of EVERYTHING! Then nothing is impossible.

i have to laugh at something MM said and did that night though. He was delivering the cane strokes with sharp, harsh precision. i had to beg for every stroke - He wasn't going to stop till i called orange. Hehehe at some point i think He realised i could keep it up for hours at that pace - so He changed it - oh boy it was so good.

LESSON LEARNT - The cane is my friend and can really send me to spacey places. Gotta love sub space!

slut came out to play and she did herself proud. she leaves behind the vanilla world that mara can't seem to let go of at times.

slut is a part of me - she is the me i long to be more often.


2/6/2009 3:09:10 PM

Age Of Liberation



my core belief of what makes up a person is there are four parts to each of us. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. For us to be truly happy these things need to be in harmony. my ideal submission is when i can hand control of all these things over to the One.

Up until recently i had other commitments as a wife and mother. Both parties knew that at the end of the day i was committed elsewhere so there was a natural line that was never crossed. In scene it was my body and part of my mind that submitted - never all of me.

It is so funny in some ways - i have never had to think about my submission before and what i have given to others has always been enough. i have never had a Master who really pushes me mentally too but then i have never had someone who knows me as well as MM does.

This is a whole new level of submission for me and apart from my first Mistress (when i was 16) this is the really the first time as an adult that i am approaching my submission as a free and single person.

i feel like i am re-learning everything i have learnt. MM disagrees with me there - He says i am just accepting it all. Who knows, maybe He is right . . . but shhhhh don't tell Him i said that.

Another thing that He pointed out to me - i don't share my inner thoughts and feelings and desires and wants with Him. It isn't just Him though - i have always kept them to myself. Last night i couldn't answer why - my head was spinning from all the discussion. This morning however it is a different story.

i have spent much time thinking about who i am, who i was, and where i am headed.

In the past in my vanilla life there are things i have done that i am incredibly ashamed of and i have carried the guilt of these things around for too long. It has made me feel worthless as a person - as one with little or no value. It destroyed my self confidence. Now however it is a different story. i love who i am!

So when MM asked me to descibe who slut is, it was perhaps the single most difficult thing He has ever asked me to do. It took some pushing from Him but i did it. The sense of pride and complete happiness that i felt from His approval added to my own sense of pride in me was unbelievable.

It also got me thinking about a previous scene where i was being anally fisted - in the heat of the moment i blurted out that i really wanted was to be caned. So MM took out the cane and used it on my arse while i was being fisted! For some time afterwards i was experiencing feelings of guilt about asking for this during scene - but now after reconcilling some things within myself i am feeling ok about it.

Hehehe - now all i REALLY want is get to the next session. slut is coming into her own - and she really wants to be used and abused.


1/29/2009 12:37:25 AM

Anal Dreams



Over this last few nights i have had THE most amazing sexual dreams. The best one was last night - OH it was brutal and so amazing. Being the only girl, tied down over the edge of the dining table so that my arse was available to all. Then having guy after guy use me over and over again!

i woke up with my fingers in my arse! MMMMMMMMMM - it was brilliant.

Naturally i just had to follow that up with a small masturbation session before i rolled over and went back to sleep!


1/26/2009 1:02:09 AM

New Family Members

Today we had to welcome two new family members - Anastasia and Bella.

Beautiful baby rats!

Yes pet rats - they are sooooooo cute. Best thing about them is they are sisters and will keep each other company.


1/25/2009 7:56:31 PM

This afternoon, out of the blue, i found this amazing quote that pretty much sums up my current personal journey. So in relation to my last post. . .

“I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”
Maya Angelou 


After all isn't life about growing and learning?


1/23/2009 4:54:58 PM

Learning Curves

What do you do when almost every part of your being wants something so badly but you can't find your headspace to do it?

Originally i felt like i had let MM down and i was on the proverbial Merry Go Round (here ever known as the MGR) with my mind racing and having flashbacks to a particularly bad night with an ex-Master. While MM was using the cane lightly on me all i could see in my head was me cowering at the end of the bed crying and begging for the ex-Master to stop. This in turn meant that i couldn't relax or get into the right headspace.

By headspace i am not talking sub-space, i am talking about the positive frame of mind that i get when i am serving a Master. The joy of seeing Him again, knowing that i don't have to worry, stress or do anything except serving and pleasing Him.

At the time i couldn't bring myself to tell MM what was going on inside my head - i had not told another person of that night, all i had ever said was that i don't let anyone use a cane on me now as it's use has been abused in the past. In retrospect i know i should have said something.

Next morning i told MM about what was going on inside my head and His response quite suprised me.

He knew that i wasn't in the right frame of mind and could tell that i was trying and pushing through the mental barriers - He could see that i was testing myself. That was why He changed His game plan. Then He said to me that it wasn't the one issue about the flashbacks that i should be concerned about - that it was more than that - i was worried from the outset and panicked at the first round of spanking. There was something more going on and i had to work out what it was.

After some discussion and thinking about everything from preparation to the scene i realised He was right. i know that in the days leading up to my monthly girly thing i get emotional, my pain tolerance level drops significanlty and i am basically all over the place. While making my preparations i was shaving my legs thinking and worrying if i was going to be able to play properly tonight - i had psyched myself right out of it from the outset. Having had a particularly emotional and stressful week MM said this is not suprising.

MM also said that maybe i was worried about His response and reaction and i said that wasn't the case as i know all He expects and wants of me is to try. i am very secure in my trust in Him and what He expects. Then MM hit the nail on the head!

i did not and was not living up to my own expectations of me as a submissive.

i do have high expectations of myself and am very hard on myself if i do not live up to them. Not just as a submissive but as a person and mother too. When MM said this it was like flicking a switch in my brain and i went aha! The ball started to unravel and i was able to sort through stuff. Viola!

Being a person who doesn't deal with failure well at all i am in actual fact setting myself up for constant failure. i need to have the same expecatations of myself as i do of others or at least not beat myself up emotionally if i don't achieve perfection.

So several things came out of the other night;

1) Keep a track on the two to three days leading up to icky girly thing so as i don't play or keep it to "milk and honey" sessions.

2) Keep a check on what i am expecting of myself and ask "is it reasonable?"

3) DON'T be so hard on myself - be kind to mara from time to time.

So even though O/our last scene was not as planned, it was a massive personal journey and learning curve for me.


1/17/2009 12:21:58 AM

Why is it when you go out of your way to help someone they just turn around and kick you in the guts?

Some people in this world need to learn to stand and face reality.


1/9/2009 3:17:07 PM

New Year Cummings and Goings!

Ok, so i cum hard. MM has told me this, O/others have told me this. Once i have cum then i keep cumming so easily. Maybe this is a response i have learnt from years of having quick vanilla sex with a gay man! Maybe it has something to do with me being a complete slut! LOL Who knows?

MM has something He wishes to achieve with me and i have something i wish to achieve - both of them are completely different. me, i want to nay, i NEED to get my body into a good state of health and fitness. MM wants me to cum harder! LOL Something i didn't/still don't think is possible.
 
The goals may be completely different but the journey to get there is the same. This body of mine has to become fitter and healthier.

MM told me the other day that i am slowly starting to cum even harder. Between learning to control the orgasm and getting healthier the orgasm's are lasting longer. HAHAHA Then even He said, " I didn't think it was possible but you are"

So the cummings -
new bigger better improved orgasm's
and
the going's -
bad health and hopefully a bit of weight to go with it.


1/3/2009 4:00:28 PM

Sitting here in the nude and thinking about the other night, sends thrills through my body. It also sends me to a calm, peaceful, fullfilled place.

MM had another sub come and play with U/us with the intention of getting me to have a full and proper anal fisting.

W/we had dinner and talked before any play began. i must admit though if you asked me what W/we discussed i couldn't tell you. i was too excited in the inside to take much notice so i tried to keep myself busy with mundane everyday things and MM and my guest's needs.

THE FISTING
There was a fair bit of wonderful play to begin with - everything was totally awesome. There is something so totally different about playing with another sub. Something i haven't done for a very long time. Well actually, i haven't really "played with" another sub before - we have just been playing in the same room with our respective Master's. This was brilliant - she was wonderful and i am in awe of her skill.

i digress.

The anal fisting time crept upon me. my head was so not in the right space. i was filled with doubt, i kept asking myself why i wasn't feeling as slutty as the other night, and thinking that it wasn't going to happen. All my doubts and fears came to the surface. At that moment i probably should have said something to MM but i didn't - for reasons unexplicable - hindsight is a wonderful thing. LOL

It happened though! i really had to work through my doubts to push that mental barrier just to be able to take the 'smaller' toys. With every toy that got bigger i kept thinking before it went in "omg this is taking closer, i can't do this". Now i know most of the toys and their size just by feel but i lost track of which one was which and when there was a toy that just felt too big my doubts came crashing down and i knew it wasn't going happen.

MM has method in His maddness - not the first time, or the last, that i will be impressed by Him i am sure. The too big toy was bigger than her fist, so the fist went in easily. The feeling was great! i have had a fist in there before - once - but i was passed out when it went in, so to be in control of all my faculties was amazing. It is seriously so good. There are no words to describe to sensation. To be anally fisted and punch fucked is something i have been working up to for ages. AMAZING! The orgasms that came with it were some of the best i have ever had.

It took me a while to come back to earth and during my come down i became quite emotional. i felt so embarresed that i cried in front of others but knowing that i had achieved something that had eluded me for so long i just couldn't help it. The whole thing was highly emotionally charged for me.

Orgasm Control
One of the biggest reasons i have not been able to achieve an anal fisting is because i have had no control over of my orgasms. As the toys get bigger and attempts with fisting have been made, i orgasm, and hard. Then unfortunately it is all over red rover and i can't do anything more - the anus shuts down.

MM has been working hard with me and teaching me control - not just with orgasms but with other stuff too (i have no self control - i know this and am open and honest about it). Learning control over the orgasms hasn't been easy but it has been worth it.

To ride the wave of the sensation of the orgasms and not let it peak is amazing. He showed me and made me learn to ride that wave. He taught me to control the orgasm and not let it control me. i am multi-orgasmic - i love it and i have been told that i orgasm quite hard. Strange thing is that riding that wave yesterday over and over pushed my orgasm to a whole new level. WOW!

During the anal fisting play i didn't ride the wave, i just breathed through the orgasm and not let it happen. i just didn't allow myself to do it.

However, when her fist went it - OMG! There was NOTHING i could do to control it. It was one LONG HUGE orgasm! Afterwards i kept having smaller ones. The muscles spasms inside were something else!


12/28/2008 5:09:54 PM

Complete and total slut

Yesterday, W/we had plans. Something that W/we have been working on and towards for some time now. Unfortunately plans had to change. This was in no way anyone's fault - it is just the way things are. Then horror of all horror's - my rotten girlie thing started yesterday morning!

i should know by now that MM is a wickedly inventful person and it turned out to be one of the best sessions ever. my emotional state is still one of pure blissfullness (if there is such a word) this morning.

Given that it has felt like an eternity since i had seen MM, my mind was scattered with excitement and i was finding it difficult to find my centre and focus. LOL MM soon fixed that.

MM owns a violet wand machine, which He taught me how to use yesterday. i did something that even i shocked myself at my brazeness - using one of the lighter scribing tools - i marked in a love heart shape on my forearm. This morning i can just faintly see it. i also wrote the word "SLUT" across my bust, again this is just barely visable this morning. MM lay there laughing at me and i honestly don't think He believed that it was me sitting there doing this stuff - LOL. To be perfectly honest though, that is exactly what i was feeling like - a total and complete slut.

Later on, bound to the bed, MM put needles through my nipples. Talk about sending me to deep deep subspace. i just drifted. Even when He was placing the next needles in i didn't come up to the surface much, i was there. Rope binding my bare skin, the word "slut" emblazened across my bust, needles through my nipples, and an arse that was still a little tender from it's previous flogging, all combined in that one moment to send me on my journey. There are really no words to describe it or the emotions or sense of accomplishment that goes with it.

So many other things happened in that session - i was in and out of subspace and feeling like a complete slut all afternoon. The pain slut in me really came to the surface. i have always liked pain (well loved it really), it turns me on - big time. However, for the first time in over 12 years, yesterday, i was having uncontrollable orgasms because of the pain - my body was physically shaking i couldn't get the words out to ask for permission to cum - i had no control. MM had complete control, all He had to do was touch me and i was off again. To completely give all that control to Him was wonderful. (Hehehe - please see previous blog entry and quote there - it just fits beautifully)

All in all i was completely spent yesterday. Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well. Completely satiated. This doesn't happen often for me and it is a feeling well worth the journey to achieve it.

Today, i think i will spend with my hot wheat bag, painkillers and teddy bear.


12/26/2008 10:59:51 PM
I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.
-:Anais Nin:-

What a beautiful quote. All that is missing is the bit about the pain and bondage (oh i am a naughty slut)

12/18/2008 1:02:50 PM

my submission

Currently i am casually playing with a Master who has a different, more mature take on D/s relationships. i like His take on things - it fits in so well with the way i live my life, both vanilla and D/s.

i have issues with failure. To me being punished means that i have failed in my primary goal to serve and please Master. (Here is should state that i see HUGE difference between punishment and discipline - discipline is a teaching tool, punishment is for complete disobedience and basic bad behaviour)
i am generally a well behaved submissive as it is what i believe a Master/Mistress would want - i don't go out of my way to antagonise or to misbehave. i do have a quick wit and sense of humour, and my tongue sometimes gets the better of me but i would never deliberately say anything that would be rude or disrespectful. i go out of my way to do as Sir/Ma'am has requested and to please them.
 
This Master that i am lucky enough to get to play with has similar views to me. He doesn't try to squash my wit, intelligence or creativity. He knows and understands that i have issues with failure, He has never had to punish me and only disciplined me twice in almost 8 months. He fosters all these characteristics - He has said before that He likes those things about me, so why would He try to change them about me?

He rewards my good behaviour by giving me what i want - the best floggings and bondage ever. The better behaved i am, the more i get

So now when i get a flogging i can relax and enjoy, there is no guilt involved. i now find that i can take an awful lot more.
 
He has disciplined me once with a flogging and He was suprised at my reaction and the fact that i couldn't take it nearly as hard as i normally can. i was already feeling bad for having upset Master, and during the flogging i teared up and was crying at the end of it.

After talking to one of my dear friends about this - because i suprised myself with the way i reacted - she gave me a good long cuddle and said that it was a good thing - it is a sign of a true and natural submissive. This i am still not sure about and leave that for others to judge.
 
The other aspect that He emphasises is that it is fun! It is meant to be O/our stress release. Some play sport, W/we participate in long sessions.


That is not to say that my previous Master's/Mistress' were not good - they just weren't as fullfilling as i am finding this Master.


12/7/2008 7:31:24 PM

Oh what fun it to be a subby girl tonight!
Hey!

(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

i had an absolute ball at the party!

MM and i came second in the spank-a-thon. WooHoo.

i didn't think i could last the 3 minutes as it is not something i have ever had to do before but after about 1 minute something ticked over in my head and i realised that i could do this for as long as MM wanted me to. Hehe - subby girl came through and to the rescue. After that i kicked back and just enjoyed.

LOL - the funny thing was the MM said to me, "If it is any consolation submissive, My hand is hurting too now." Poor Sir. LOL

Later on He decided that He would flog me in one of the dungeons. Being able to use some of the equipment there was great - MM found something that left bruises on me - WOO HOO! i don't bruise easily at all and the marks are always gone after about an hour. So to find this tool was fantastic - now all i have to do is get one for Him for Christmas.

The best bit about the whole night was meeting new people and making friends. i met some really really lovely people out there - can't wait to go again!


12/5/2008 3:39:13 AM

First Public Play Party

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Tomorrow night i am off with MM to my first public play party. Having only ever played privately for the last 15 or more years this is a great adventure.

1 more sleep - i can't wait!


12/3/2008 11:28:18 PM

Chocolate - again

~-~-~-~-~-~

LOL - well the chockie cravings hit again. Over the last few weeks (even though it feels like YEARS) i have been really really good. Patience is something i am learning too - grrrr - mostly because i may send a plea/request for chocolate to MM and it will take a while for Him to reply.

Last night however, i HAD to have some. i NEEDED some - or else i was literally going to die! i am sooooo totally convinced this was the case even if some of Y/you out there may disagree.

So i tried to call MM on His mobile, then on His work mobile, then on His home phone, then i sent some text messages, then i left a message on His msn messenger . . . i was getting quite desperate by this time - it had been almost two hours since the first call.

So the dichotomy sets in - the submissive waiting patiently for an answer from MM and the chocoholic with no self-control. Who would win?

The submissive won - woohoo!!!!

MM finally answered and after some discussion about how much i had this week and just what i had on hand i was given permission to eat some - i actually only ate 1/3 of what He said i could - well done me!!!

BUT

i am not allowed any more until Saturday.
Hehehe so now i have three things to look forward to on Saturday - YAY!!!!!!!


11/29/2008 11:24:18 PM

Curve Balls


Life is sometimes funny. Just when Y/you think things are on the up something will happen to remind Y/you of who Y/you are, where Y/you've come from, and what Y/you are all about. Anniversaries of events can be an awful reminder of what went wrong.

i love my life the way it is now. i love the direction it is heading in - so why is this anniversary affecting me so much?


11/21/2008 8:09:36 AM

FEMALE SUBS ONLY MUNCH
IN NEWCASTLE

`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-

There is a munch organised for female submissives in Newcastle.

It is on Sunday 30th November at 10:30 am.

If you think you can make it please drop me a line and i will give you the details.


10/25/2008 2:42:15 PM

Oh so freakin wonderful!


~-~-~-~-~

Last night i got to experience something new - after having been in the lifestyle on and off for almost 20 years and being a person who enjoys pushing the boundaries, finding something new and someone to Dominate me through this is not a regular occurance.

i had a fantastic time - i know that things weren't exactly to plan but for me it was great! The excitement, the joy, the fear, the submission and the trust - it just all gelled last night.

i know You will never read this - but just in case one day You do - THANK YOU - it has meant more to me than You realise.


10/18/2008 5:05:16 PM

Choices and Self Control

~~~~~~

Ok, i admit this one openly and freely - i have NO SELF CONTROL when it comes to chocolate!

~~~~~~

MM has been becoming stricter with me - FINALLY - and now He has done the worst thing possible. Everytime i want to have some chocolate i have to call Him first and get permission!

OUCH!

I DON'T WANT SELF CONTROL WITH MY CHOCOLATE!

If only there was some way to loose weight AND eat all the chocolate i want . . .

*SIGH*


10/10/2008 10:01:18 PM

Isn't it funny?

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Some weeks ago i was thinking about how lucky i am to have such great friends who have stuck by me and helped me through this unholy year of mine. How do You return the favour or pay them back or show them how much what T/they have done means to you?

Just over a week ago i was introduced to a young lady who is in the middle of her own trials and tribulations - so maybe what i have been through has meant to be so i can be there for her. If i can do half as much for her as others have done for me then i know that is how i can pay them back.

Kind of reminds me of the sentiments of a beautiful movie called Pay it Forward - if Y/you haven't watched it then please do - it is wonderful - but have a box of tissues ready!


10/6/2008 4:54:25 AM

Good Times

There are some people in O/our lives that are just meant to be. They come into O/our lives and help change the bits that need changing and help U/us to realise that life is about living and enjoying it.

I am so thankful for the great times i have had this long weekend with MM - He has come along at a time when i needed to have some home truths shoved in my face and He held my hand and led me through the dreadful changes that had to be made. i couldn't ask for a better friend or Master. i have no idea where things will lead but i know that whatever happens He will always be my friend.


10/4/2008 1:56:57 AM

Last night i totally and thoroughly submitted. MM had given this scene the working title 'Severity' and it was extremely appropriate.

MM was stricter on me than He has ever been and pushed me to my limits. There was everything a girl could wish for, structure, discipline, and the complete handing over of my mind and body to His care and protection.

THe highlights of the long session (8hrs) was MM using my arsehole as a pincushion and the flogging. He has never before pushed me to a point where i used my safe word during a flogging. It was great!

W/we picked up again this morning with the violet wand - OMG - i have never cum before with this delicious tool but today i did! Awesome.

There was more to this scene and the amount of play but those were the highlights. Tonight i am physically and emotionally spent. To trust someone so completely to let them use and abuse you is one of the most amazing things i have ever done.
 


9/26/2008 11:02:56 PM

Betrayal

To me, one of the key foundations of any relationship is trust. Without that there can be no lasting basis upon which to move forward. The foundations are cracked and over time those cracks will widen and destroy the relationship. i think this is especially true in this wonderful world of BDSM. How is a sub/slave supposed to submit her entire being - body, heart, mind and soul to someone if there are niggling doubts there? It will and does affect the mental state. 

Unfortunately i have been through this state of betrayal over the course of this year. It has irrevocably damaged four relationships of varying degrees and intensities - with the potential to destroy more. i am trying hard to find it within myself to forgive,forget and to move on.  The forgiving and moving on is the easy part - it is the forgetting that is the hard part.

i have discussed this with the new MM and He told me that sometimes W/we are not meant to forget. If W/we do forget then there is a real chance of allowing the same people back into O/our lives and then they can destroy U/us completely. O/our memories serve to as a learning tool and to protect U/us. There is a reason why trust once lost is very hard to get back.

To my two beautiful friends, MM & k, whom i have confided these things to - THANK YOU *kiss* - Y/you have helped me through this time and reminded me what true friendship is. It is true that hugs can heal a lot of things.  


9/23/2008 3:02:22 AM

Even though it was work related i found Melbourne to be such a lovely city.

i got to visit with some lovely people and picked up some brand new restraints and collar - all in matching purple suede - BEAUTIFUL!

i got to wear them to Hellfire last weekend and they matched my beautiful purple satin corset superbly.

It never ceases to amaze me that wonderful feeling i get when my corsets are done up nice and tight. OH - amazing!


9/5/2008 7:07:59 AM

Melbourne for the first time

Ok so i am off to Melbourne next week - 9th, 10th and 11th to do some training for work.

i have never been to Melbourne before and was wondering if anybody out there can give me some ideas as to things to do and sights to see etc.

It is a great shame that i won't be there for Chains on the Saturday night but that can't be helped.


9/2/2008 12:19:04 AM

Clit Piercing

One of my pride and joys was my clit piercing. Unfortunately when i was ill back in June it had to come out for the MRI. i am due to have another MRI later this month and hopefully by then i will be able to go get it redone.

i am just wondering if i should have the clit re-done or just go for the hood?

i am very very lucky in that my anatomy allows me to have one in my clit - it really was lovely having it there and i do miss it. The new MM (very different from last MM) seems to think that i am more sensitive in that area without the ring. Personally i think i become supersensitive and this decreases my level of tolerance.

Please write to me and tell me of Y/your experiences with them. i am in a quandry so to speak.


7/29/2008 9:22:24 PM

Journeys

The best part of any journey is the experiences that W/we have on the way to O/our destination. Lately i have had some of the best experiences a submissive can have. Finding One who gives you leave to explore the inner workings of your mind and allows you to blossom in your submission is a gift from the Universe.



7/19/2008 7:59:02 PM

HellFire

i know that Hellfire is not everybody's cup of tea - but i HAD A FANTASTIC TIME! Thank You to my friends that came and to Sir for accompanying me. It seriously is a nightclub where one can go and be oneself. i love music and dancing and i got to do all that and watch some great shows. Being with my friends and being able to enjoy each others company was just as great! Shame about breaking the heel on my boot though :(


7/15/2008 4:05:10 AM

i am very excited. Despite being in the lifestyle for almost 20 years i have never been out to a BDSM party or nightclub.
This Friday i am going to my first at Hellfire! WOO HOO!


7/13/2008 4:55:26 AM

Submission v slavery

Over the last few months i have had the honour and pleasure to meet a Master that i started talking to about a year ago.

W/we started talking about submissives and what kind of submissive He saw me to be. To my honour He said that i am one of the few and rare true submisives. This conversation had me thinking about submission vs slavery. Am i a submissive or slave?

W/we have since discussed this topic and He agreed with me that i was definately not a slave. He reminded me of a conversation W/we had the first time W/we talked and my response to the question was i a sub or slave?

i am definately a submissive - i have too much sense of self and i have limits and i will say no. However my motivation for doing things is my Master's pleasure.


7/2/2008 2:12:37 AM
There are times in a D/s that a Master will get you to do something that you honestly don't think you can do BUT when the day and the time comes and the Master in question has you achieving these goals without a second thought you can feel so proud of yourself. My week has been one of those - i have had the distinct honour and pleasure of being dominated by one of the best Masters i have been with or watched. i was sooooo far gone into my head that the goal was easily achieved!

6/18/2008 3:04:12 AM
Thank Y/you to all my wonderful friends who have wished me well and supported me during my recent illness. It is really heartening to know that i have such good friends.

i know it will be a couple of months before i am back to normal and back on my feet and that Y/you have all pledged to be there for me should i need anything and i would like to give Y/you all a big kiss and cuddle for it.

THANK YOU ALL OF YOU XOXOXOXOXO

5/5/2008 4:24:52 AM
After much soul searching and discussion with my Master we have decided to decollar. So i am now a free sub.

How has that left me feeling?

Pretty empty - knowing that He will no longer be a central part of my life is hard to cope with. However His friendship has been and will forever be invaluable and we have decided to preserve that and remain the good friends that we are.

5/2/2008 10:25:33 AM
Sometimes i have to stop and wonder at how Mother Universe looks after her children. Over the last 8 months there have been some rather large and disturbing changes in my life - now down the track i am a much better and stronger person for it - i have a new found understanding of myself and new plans for the future.

The Universe it seems has plans for me too - even to the point where a new job has literally just fallen into my lap - i am now begining to look forward to the next chapter of my life and find out just how the Universe and i will get on.

4/2/2008 1:42:00 AM

MM has requested that i come up with the dirtiest sex act i can think of and will do.
Problem is that i am brain dead tonight and can't think of anything -

Now that i find extremely sad and disturbing.


3/17/2008 5:01:47 AM
Well Bali was great. Fantastic for this little subs ego.

i did sooo much stuff i never thought i'd do. Best of all though was coming home. My daughter gave me the most wonderful gift - a power point presentation for my birthday - she wrote poetry and used it on there. It taught me just how valuable i am to her and the rest of my children.


MM also appreciated my return and He showed me in oh so many ways. It is great to home again.

2/29/2008 9:26:39 PM

So second round of the laser treatment has finally happened. It wasn't as painful to begin with as the last time but when she started to get to the sensitive areas - OMG!


The pain was again as delicious as last time!


Once more i left the building with the most wonderful tingling sensation.

Ladies you just have to try this!


Also off to Bali on Monday for ten lovely days with no children or Master - just one best friend who knows all about my lifestyle.  I can't wait!


2/17/2008 4:21:05 PM
MM is back from His almost 3 week long business trip! That makes me one happy little sub.

I also found the most interesting little toy called an anal impala. So far have only been able to find it in the UK so if anyone knows anything about this let me know.

2/17/2008 2:37:22 AM
Well i went to my first munch today. It was a subs only one in Newtown and it was fantastic. Thankyou lil for organising everyone - you are a gem! it was so good to meet new people and i hope that there will be some good friendships come out of it. from a subby point of view it was nice to hear other experiences similar to mine and others very different. Can't wait for it to happen again!

2/10/2008 9:46:54 AM

i already have a clit piercing and have been thinking about adding to the decoration of my little lady. i am really undecided as to go the labias or get the clit-hood done.

i do have a little time to think as the laser hair removal is still a little while off being finished. Which i might add even after one treatment seems to have worked wonders!


2/1/2008 1:56:53 AM

It was brilliant to see MM again after so long away. Unfortunately O/our time together got cut short - but hey that is life. i know there will be other times.
i am so very proud of Him with the work He does - both paid and unpaid but these same things are what take Him away so often. It is a very good thing i do not need to be micromanaged - lol.


1/22/2008 12:05:25 AM

i found the most wonderful quote and thought i would share it with you all.

"To the world you may be one person - but to one person you may be the world"


1/19/2008 8:06:27 AM

Tasks: MM has given me another task only this time it is a bit more difficult and lucky for me i have a couple of days to do it. Given that i have had a hell of a week - thank you to all my wonderful friends and especially MM for pulling me through - the task is a welcome distraction.


1/10/2008 1:37:14 AM
Well today i had the most amazing experience.

Laser Hair Removal - for those of you who have never done it before it is like little electric shocks repeatedly one spot after another! I had a full brazillian - can u imagine the pain! Sweet bliss. The best part is - it has to happen again and again for a minimum of six treatments possibly more!

then this evening i went and had the rest of my body waxed off! Not so nice this time but afterwards when i had settled down i found myself embaressingly wet - almost dripping! I fear i have turned into a pain slut on top of everything else. Does that make me a well rounded submissive now?

1/8/2008 10:54:44 PM

Tasks complete for the week and MM is pleased so it follows that i am very happy!


i just wish every1 would stop laughing at my fear of dentists though


1/7/2008 12:07:32 PM
i think it is funny that while MM and i are only part-time and live a reasonable distance apart, when He goes away i feel it.

i finished writing out a story involving my deepest darkest fantasies for MM and emailed. i was so nervous awaiting His reply.

1/5/2008 8:40:48 PM
i have just completed a task set for me by MM. To take pics of me urinating and to send them to Him.

i was elated to have the task but i hated it and it was the one of the most humiliating things i have done. i really hate looking at photos of me naked or otherwise. i texted Him to let him know the task was complete and i had sent them to His email. i also put a sad face at the end of it. He asked why so i told Him. Joy of joys - MM texted back that i am a goddess and damn sexy. Then He rang me - i think my Master is so good to look after me like that.
So end result - still hate the task but love serving MM and i would do it all again.

1/4/2008 12:58:42 AM
Well now - yesterday was interesting - enough said.

I have pulled up today with a very sore and tired body - i really have to get fit so i don't feel this way after a long session.
Long spa required i think.

1/2/2008 12:48:32 AM
Hmm - well today has been quite eventful - to cut a long story short I am off to see MM tomorrow and introduce him to my best friend! She is the only person other than hubby to know about my BDSM life. The lines are starting to blur!

Should be interesting.

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MsTanya
 
 Age: 29
 Cheras (KL), Malaysia