I have always been confused on this topic. When you are a kid, appearance doesn't matter. We are taught not to judge a book by its cover. We are taught to look beneath the surface. We don't care what our friends look like.
And then we hit middle school and high school and it all changes. We start noticing small things about our friends that we have never noticed before. That they wear their hair a different way than the rest. That their clothing mostly consists of hand-me-downs if they are not well off enough to be able to afford new clothes each year, or constantly update them. We tend to find new friends, ones who can make us feel more secure about ourselves, completely drifting away from or ignoring previous childhood friends.
We hit adult hood. We see all these people on tv. Supermodels. Actors. Porn stars, and we want to be like them. We start to act like them. To emulate their every move and mode of dress. We lose ourselves in the process, but as long as we fit in, it doesn't matter. I am guilty of this too. I see beautiful actresses of the 20s and 30s and 40s and I want to be like them. I want to be Katherine Hepburn and Audrey. I want to be Marilyn Monroe. I want Vivienne Leigh's eyebrows, the haughty look she wears. I want Lucille Ball's hair.
But I cannot change who I am. Well, I could...but do I really want to? Do I want to fit in a stereotype? Do I want to be what I always perceived others wanted me to be? No. I have issues with myself, everyone does. But when i start to feel down, I hop online, I call my Sir and my friends. And they do what good friends ought to do, they make me feel good, they make me laugh and they make me cry. They make me myself again. And then I go look in the mirror and I start to feel proud of myself. If I see a flaw, I ignore it because it is part of ME. I have earned this flaw, if I really want it to disappear, then I will work on it. But I don't really want to. I want to be myself and to know that in being myself, I am special and different.
I have recently made the acquaintance of a very lovely lady. She is not beautiful in the conventional sense, but to me she is gorgeous. She is a beautiful woman who is proud of herself and her sexuality. People think I am attractive, but I do not. I think she is attractive, but others might not. She is beautiful on the inside AND on the outside to me. We held hands today as we walked into Publix to grab me a couple two liters of pop. I was in full regalia. Fishnet Thigh highs, boots, dress, everything...and she was in a little red checkered country dress. We got odd looks and she was concerned what people would think. I told her to hold her head up high and screw what they thought. We got a big laugh out of it. We thought the expressions on their faces was hilarious. We were proud to be who we were, at completely opposite ends of the spectrum.
I hear over and over again that appearance should not matter in this lifestyle. But who are we kidding? Even in a lifestyle as open as ours is...people still gravitate to those we find beautiful. Those who are pleasantly pleasing to the eye. Well she is pleasing to my eye. My Sir is older, but he is pleasing to my eye. And to those of you who think badly of us? Those of you who would talk behind our backs? Please know that I will happily take this fight and opinion of mine where it belongs...no where. Because in the end? Your opinion does not matter to me.
