I recently saw a profile using the term "punishment" in a fun way so I thought perhaps it was time to write my own thoughts on the matter. Punishment is used to curb a behavior that a Dominant sees as undesirable to their specific needs. The reason for punishment is simply to teach or on the bottoms perspective learn a lesson that something is not okay to do. It is to correct a problem with behavior and even blatant disregard to rules and tasks.

More and more I see people using the term punishment in ways that state perhaps that they mean play. If you want to have fun and beat someones ass or have some epic cathartic scene that's great and I'm sure your partner would enjoy that but inevitably that is NOT punishment. If something that is supposed to be a punishment is enjoyed it wouldn't correct the problem. Instead it would instill the fact that in order to have fun all they have to do is be a brat and top from the bottom. I understand that different people enjoy this lifestyle in different ways but in retrospect punishment isn't supposed to be fun. It's supposed to correct bad behavior.

I'm all for having wonderful scenes among other fun activities don't get me wrong. The bottom line is I don't understand why it seems certain aspects of this glorious lifestyle are being used interchangeably. Punishment isn't another word for playing or scenes. I understand that not everyone is into this lifestyle 24/7 I'm not naive. I just wonder how many people truly know all that this entails. If you want to be a sub or slave awesome kudos to you. The same is said if you want to be a Dom or a Top of any kind. Just please take the time to learn the terminology and how things work.

One last thought for the evening about my favorite mythological creature the Phoenix pull up a chair and hear the tale.

The Phoenix's song was so melodious that Apollo Himself stopped the very Sun in its tracks to listen. The Phoenix was the only one of his kind and had no mate; therefore, when he died, then his song would die with him. To keep this from happening, the God of Music granted this GORGEOUS bird Eternal Life.

The other animals were filled with jealous rage. The Phoenix did not ask Apollo for such a gracious gift, yet everyone wanted to flaunt his vibrant feathers - rich purple and deep indigo, bright yellows and lovely jades. They picked the poor bird almost clean bald, ostracizing him for having gained Apollo's favor. In pain and panic this beautiful bird, through no fault of his own, was driven from his home by the cruelty and the bullying of the other animals.

The Phoenix found an isolated and desolate area by a well and, there, dedicated his life to singing to the Sun. He vowed to Apollo that his song would belong forever to Him alone. For 500 years, he sang his song to the Sun so the Music God could enjoy the sounds which the bird emitted - safe from the jealousy, competition and bullies which abounded back at home.

While Apollo had granted His precious song-bird Eternal Life, He had neglected to grant this poor bird Eternal Youth, and 500 years is a long time. Five hundred years later, the Phoenix would cry out for Apollo's mercy daily. The bird was old and he was tired. He wanted to pass on his mantle somehow to another creature. Finally, in desperation, he gathered up sweet-smelling bark from the cinnamon tree, the sap from the myrrh tree and clove buds (the Phoenix did have a weakness for aromatic scents) and he made his way back to his place of origin. He needed to gain Apollo's attention somehow - and where better but the place where he had originally caught it?

Finally, atop a palm tree, he built a nest. In front of the progeny of those who had treated the Phoenix so poorly, he called out to the Sun one last time. Apollo, greatly moved by his song-bird's plight and show of need, granted his request and sent a ray of straight sunlight to the bird, catching his funeral pyre ablaze - bird and all.

Out of these ashes, the new Phoenix hatches and matures in a matter of moments, collects his predecessor's ashes, puts them into the egg that he just hatched from. Then he makes his long migration to Heliopolis, the City of the Sun, to allow his Father to rest in Hallowed Ground. Apollo, who granted him Eternal Life, will forever watch over him and not allow anyone else to pluck any Phoenix bald or treat the remains poorly. The fledgeling, in the Temple of the Sun, makes his vow to Apollo - the same vow that every Phoenix makes: "I will sing only for You, Oh Sun!"

He then returns to his home beside the Well to fulfill that obligation for the next 500 years. Apollo will never be without His melodious Song-Bird.

Laying in bed awake at 4 am leads to interesting random thoughts here are a few I felt like sharing. . .

Apparently anymore people are using CM to use people for money and it's pathetic that they use people like that and that people actually do it.

The first email isn't always easy to do, and especially when your shy hence why I'm not one for sending them.

Dick pictures are not impressive at ALL size doesn't matter what matters is if you know how to use it properly.

Reading profiles is good however sometimes journals tell more

*yes these are some random things I think about when insomnia is kicking my ass*

We all know the saying your kink is not my kink but that's okay and I fully agree with that 110%. There are many types of age players out there they range in different ages , they all like different things but on that note not all littles are sexualized and that's completely okay. my little personally is 2 she loves cuddles , attention , cartoons, Disney movies , stuffies , binkies my blankie , cuddling , hello kitty, princesses , cookies, penguins , pandas , spankins and the corner is mean but I am not a sexualized little. To be honest if anything sexual were to happen around me when I'm in little space it would probably scare me and scar me more importantly. I think it would be completely deplorable for anyone to force any nonsexualized little to be around such things and anybody that does should use a hot curling iron as an insertable toy in one of their orifices because it is NOT consensual which makes it wrong. It's completely wrong , this lifestyle is already difficult to live in with the negative stigma that surrounds it, but for someone to cause stristyle that will only add to the negative stigma that surrounds it. The point I'm trying to get at is if you're a sexualized little that is completely 100% fine with me but I choose not to witness it and other nonsexualized littles have the same choice that they should get to make. Don't shove your kink down somebodies throat unless they ask nicely ;). Everyone is entitled to their own belief system within this lifestyle however not everyone is going to agree with everyone else. So accept that and move on give everyone the choice to life this beautiful lifestyle as they please and don't force anything on anyone unless they love consensual non-consent and gave you that right ahead of time then have at ;).

All slaves are submissive but not all submissives are slaves. Every time a submissive receives an order they have a choice each and every time weather to obey or not. However when a slave chooses who she kneels to, and accepts her Masters collar she has just made the choice to obey and bend to her Masters will always or receive the punishment put upon her. A submissive negotiates what she will or will not do in every scene. A slave does not. When the initial courting phase is in progress she learns weather or not her hard limits will be acceptable to that Master or not. If they are, it continues on. If not of course she can choose not to become His property. A submissive has limits , a slave has the limits her Master approves of for her. A submissive still has free will to some extent and keeps some of her rights within a D/s dynamic. A slave becomes property and is from that point on an extension of her Master and she needs to be the obedient, joyful subservient woman he wants her to be at all times when in the public eye. A submissive is owned by her Dominant. A slave is her Masters property to do with as He pleases. A slave is really a 24 hour a day thing when in a live in situation. There simply is no such thing as down-time, you spend the day trying to find other ways to make your Master happy and proud. Depending on the relationship a slave is a reflection of her Master, if for some reason she is being unpleasant that reflects poorly on her Master.

I personally have known some slaves who weren't permitted to wear clothes or sit on furniture but not all Masters require that. Most slaves are the happiest kneeling at their Masters feet. A slave learns the arts of anticipation, grace, poise and obedience. This goes back to the fact that a slave is a representation of her Master.

With all of that said though a slave is a human being first and foremost , they still require love , affection, attention, and most of all appreciation. If a Master's slave is unhappy, in return the Master is unhappy. A slave, like a submissive, needs to be cherished protected and loved. They generally need romance and compassion, sometimes patience as well. Just because someone made the choice to be a slave doesn't mean they have given up the right to love, romance, and kindness. A slave is a person, not a piece of meat or anything less than a human being. Just because someone takes on the title of slave doesn't mean they are a slave to any Dom who just walks along. They have choices and feelings and they reserve the right to treat anyone anyway they like until they choose who to kneel to and give their love to. Even then though most Masters I know of, if you disrespect Their property They will be the one to handle it. Slaves are strong minded individuals who are intelligent, wise , and choose to be subservient to One. They are not weak they are not worthless they are slaves who choose to be that way for the Master who proves Himself worthy.

I feel the need to clarify some things in this writing considering they are being blown way out of context and misconstrued.

I am not saying slaves have no limits, I'm saying once a slave chooses who they submit to they accept that their Master may eventually choose to push a limit. I have been property in the past and I got to keep my hard limits but there were times where my limits were pushed and guess what I gained new likes. Also a sane Master would not take a slaves free will , but For me personally When I choose to kneel to someone and serve as their slave I no longer get down time my down time is spent plotting how to make them happy. I also remained the same bubbly happy me I currently am. When choosing a Master a slave needs to choose wisely. Generally a slave chooses someone who views the lifestyle similar to hers. I personally have a few things that I won't do , just because I'm a slave it does not mean that those things are up for negotiation unless the relationship progresses to that. As a slave evolves and grows their limit list may get shorter. Once you trust someone so wholly those limits that were created by fear no longer seem to be hard limits they move to soft limits then they soon become a "like" if the trust is found that they can be enjoyed. I am not saying to claim to be something that you are not , but to be true to yourself. like for me over the years my limits list has drastically shrunk many of my former limits were caused by fear and I ended up trying some and liking them others are now interests because the fear involved makes me want it that much more.

I also never once said that the slave doesn't have the right to leave nor would I ever say such a thing. I have left a few arrangements that weren't what I wanted and if something does not make you happy you should never force yourself to stay in it just because you are a slave. Also let it be known that different people live this lint ways. In my honest opinion any sane Master would NEVER do anything that would mentally, emotionally, or permanently scar or damage their property. If that trust isn't there and you don't know without a doubt that none of those things would happen to you then you shouldn't subject yourself to that. Or on the other scale you may very well be okay with that and that's fine too.

my point is this lifestyle is supposed to be around safe sane and consensual. If you do not trust the Master enough to give yourself over fully then it's probably best to stay D/s or choose to not kneel to that Master. A Master has to earn the slaves trust and prove that he is worthy to take on the slave in question.

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As human beings we all evolve and change over the course of our lives. That is just a natural and beautiful part of life. Many different factors play in to why we change though. It is to be a better person in our day to day lives? Is it to try and impress that cute guy/gal we met? or is it none of the above something far more complex?

I recently kind of woke up from a daze and realized with a rather heavy heart that at some point in the last while I lost sight of my self worth. I don't know how or why it happened but it did. This made me realize that it's time to completely revamp my life. So I spent the majority of today doing some major soul searching and I'm shocked yet happy by what I discovered and some of the goals I set for myself today. I can safely say that after today I feel renewed and in awe of how marvelous I feel just from spending a day in my own head and heart searching for what it is that I truly want out of my life.

It's really too often that we as human beings take for granted the wonders and mysteries of life. After spending the day with myself today I have now after finding my self worth again made it a personal goal to leave some kind of lasting impression on those whom I choose to touch their hearts in any way, weather it be friendship, a significant other, or just someone I pass on the street I want to brighten peoples days who deserve it. I am a slave , I am compassionate and loving, I worry about complete strangers , I am me I am good enough and that is perfectly fine to me.

                                    ~The Battle Within~

Line up a row of people you know and I do mean truly and whole heatedly know. Every one is perfect not by perfection's standards but by their own imperfect standards. Inside each and every one of them there is an angel and a demon, a battle between good vs. evil.

In general terms, the good is love, tenderness, compassion, and the warm breeze on a summer's night. But we all interpret what is "good" differently, and it is almost impossible to fully comprehend the vast array of emotions and passions that each person individually considers "good."

But just as there are two sides of every coin, there is a badness in all of us. Whether we like it or not, we all have moments of evil. Whether it may be feelings of hatred or getting into a fight, those are the demons inside of us. We have our moments when we later regret a decision, or we feel hatred towards another, and they happen every day. In the cartoons, when the character has to make a decision, a little angel and demon appear. And there is a fifty-fifty chance of them choosing either side. It is that choice that will determine your actions daily and mold you into who you are.

I choose to tip the scales more towards the good. I allow my angel to fill my soul and soar towards others. It is the kindness in my touch when someone weeps and the love I feel for humanity, even towards those who do not return that kindness. It is the gentle way my eyes seek someone who is in distress. It is the warm home I freely open to those who need it. My angel wins in all battles, but as I have said, everyone has their demon.

I do have a forked tongue for those who light my fuse and make it wane, but even as the forked tongue slithers out and speaks its mind, I still find something to like about the person, even if I choose to never speak to them again. Everyone has a darkness that cannot be helped. I have my darker moments, but most of the time, it stays in my head. I still let my angel shine to those who have need of it. Honestly, if I could save everyone, I would do so. Without a pause for a moment of thought, I would give myself up for the safety of someone else. I know none of you reading this will believe me, and I do not expect you to take my word for it. I leave you the option to get to know me to decide this matter for yourself.

With me, it is very simple. I am a slave. I love to serve, yet with the right person, I live to serve. I pride myself on being the light to someone's darkness. I live to show others that there is beauty in life and things to look forward to. I regret nothing, because in most cases, it was exactly what I wanted at the time, what I felt was right.

Some people take life for granted, but I try my best to avoid that. I am in no way perfect. I know I have my flaws, but I will strive to show everyone the good in the world until I cannot anymore. I understand that, at times, it is very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes despair takes ahold of you tightly and allows you to loose hope. I know this, I have been there, and I know it can be hard but it is at times like those that my friends know to reach for my hand, take hold of it, and allow me to show them the warm light with endless love and bountiful joy.

With all of this said, I want elaborate into what "type" of girl I am. I am a slave first and foremost, obedient loyal, subservient and graceful. I am a baby girl. I love stuffies, my blankie, and coloring books. I adore a strong Daddy who is loving and tender, yet can be strict or stern. I am a pain slut and it brings me pleasure, but within certain boundaries. I love to be bound and tied, so rope slut also fits. I have a few hard limits that I cannot overcome, but it does not make me any less of a slave. I am intelligent and I have a mind and I will not "dumb down" for anyone's convenience, nor should I have to. I am me, Lilly, plain and simple. I can be simple, or complex, sometimes all at once. I leave it up to you, dear reader, to come up with your own opinion on me, but be mindful of the forked tongue that may slither within.

There is one person who can attest to this. She is my friend and has been for 7 years, which is a very long time to know someone. Over that time she has come to know me fully and she has watched me learned to see and love me for me, and in many cases when I was at my darkest hour, she was my light and the warmth that held me in compassionate arms and let me sob on her shoulder. On CM she is known as MorphineVixen13, on FL she is known as Vixen_Oxy13. She is the one person I can call a best friend for life without reservation, my friend, my confidant, my sister. She is morphykinz.

From Vixen_Oxy13: Lil is a very complex and confusing bundle of shortness. We have been through a lot and still manage to stick to eachother through thick and thin. She is one of the few people that I would ever share someone with, and she is one of the few people that I could ever share my deepest darkest thoughts and my brightest joys. She is stronger than she lets on, but even the Hulk can be hurt. She feels so much for people that sometimes she opens herself up to be let down and hurt. I hate to see it, but it has happened. Over the last few years, she has grown to be more careful, and grown more to accept herself as this beautiful, smart, devious, and devoted girl. So I bid those who read this to take heed, she is not for the stereotypical Domly-Dom. She needs a Master and Daddy who can help guide her and mold her. She needs someone to love her and to accept her quirks and to accept her slave heart to be Theirs.

Randomly i've been thinking a lot lately and perhaps this isn't the place to have a gut pouring session but it's the only place people won't look at me weird for it i suppose, so here it goes.

i've been trying to suppress my want need and desire for a Master because i feel so alone all the time, most of my friends are vanilla and once they find out what i want and what makes me feel fulfilled they look at me different i've even recently forced myself to try and date vanilla which went horrible now all of my friends made me feel bad about my wants needs and desires all except my best friend in this entire world he has taken a liking to rope work and we even went to an event together last night which being around others in this life style for once in the last few months since i've returned home made me feel not alone so then of course i rambled and said a lot of stupid stuff but that's probably because lack of social interaction as of late but that's neither here nor there my point is for two short hours i felt finally happy and not so weird i want to feel like that always not like i'm stumbling through my life unsure of if i made the right choice or if i've just done what was expected of me and i don't like being miserable to make everyone else happy i love knowing i make people happy but i want to be happy too i'm done appeasing other people i want to be happy for once. i'll probably add more to this later. . . so to be continued

So just for random purpose i'd like to say something.  i'm tired of time wasters fakes and rude ass people. if you want to waste my time and play mind games i am not the one for you and would appreciate it if you wouldn't bother me with messages i'm here to see whats out there and see if there may in fact be someone out there for me not to sit here and be toyed with so just STOP and leave me alone if you're not 100% real

ok so time for an update and thoughts. . . .

sometimes i wonder what keeps bringing me back into the lifestyle while i am not sure in my mind my heart always tells me "you're a slave you need this you want this " and normally that is enough however tonight i was talking to a wonderful Master who has been a cherished friend for about 2 or 3 years now and what He told me has given me the strength that i honestly needed He said "If one does not accept the pain that comes with happiness, does not try to find it for fear of the pain, then they will never be truly happy, and do they truly deserve the true happiness if they aren't willing to risk the pain?" it makes perfect sense i used to wonder if i was a glutton for punishment or if there was a greater cause for my attempts to keep finding happiness  now after hearing that tonight i realize i just honestly want the happiness i keep envisioning and wanting with my whole heart.

on another note i keep getting mail that people who've never met me seem to think they know me better than i myself know me and i do wish to inform you all that , that is not the case i am many things most of them are not listed in my profile i would really appreciate it if before you go on making nasty and rude assumptions that you talk to me and at least have a faint idea about who i am and how i work before you assume anything about me. and for those of you who are still reading this here is a small outline of what i am and how i am.

• i am a slave one who has been into this for a good long while now
• i am compassionate, kind hearted, loving, caring, helpful when able
• i love animals and find the good in every person that does not mean i'll spread my legs though because you say so, sorry wrong assumption
• i am not mindless nor am i a robot i'm a slave i have a mind , opinions , ways i do things ect.
• i will not be a mindless fuck toy nor is that what i am looking for
• i am a human being first and foremost , i am a slave and the lifestyle has chosen me but with that said i can still enjoy activities outside of the lifestyle
• i am a lover not a fighter
• i am an eclectic in music choices and things i like in this wonderful lifestyle

there is a small look into my mind.

one last thing is food for thought just a few of my favorite quotes from movies or other.

"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"- Moulin Rouge

"well times silence hath more eloquence than speech" Martin Fraquhar Tupper

"Criticism is prejudice made plausible"-Henry Louis Mencken

"always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest"-Mark Twain

"it is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring"- Carl Sagan

"we must be the change we wish to see"- Mahatma Gandhi

"I'm a great believer in  luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it"-Thomas Jefferson

"Only from the heart Can you touch the sky"-Rumi

more to be written soon i'm sure

So as of late i'm entirely hooked on Repo the Genetic Operas' Sound track and it's like constantly playing in my head i don't know why i'm sharing this i just felt the need to so thank you that will be all lol

I've gotten some extremely crude messages but this one i'm about to share takes the cake. some people on this site need to leave their fantasy land.

Recently I got a message bitching about the pic I use.  now for one I have never claimed to be the person in the picture so it kind of pissed me off. The other part of that specific message that pissed me off is the fact that the guy kept trolling me so when I abruptly told him I wasn't interested the response was  and I quote"OK I will report your pic then". Really??? just because I'm not interested your going to report the picture? that is childish so why don't you go troll someone else and I'm not going to miraculously be interested because you threatened to report the picture. grow up and stop being childish.