Let me tell you something, folks. Covid is not a joke. If you're one of those conspiracy folks or an anti vaxxer, I want nothing to do with you. It is brutal.

There are a few things I feel I must clarify. When I say that sex and sexuality are a huge part of service/submission, I mean as a tool used to control me...to humiliate me. I do NOT mean for my gratification. It was very much a large part of my initial exposure to BDSM, sexual humiliation...and it has stayed with me through the years, but has never been about me being sated. It is purely about my dom/domme's pleasure. I serve at their discretion. Sex and sexuality are a tool.

There are a lot of folks for whom it's about their orgasm. That is not me.

I am less and less impressed with doms on this site. I keep seeing all these profiles about "there are so many game players!!!" and "I'm looking for something REAL!!!"..."I don't tolerate LIARS!!!"

So ok...you're intolerant of game players, sick of liars. I tell you the truth. I am right up front with the good, the bad, the ugly. You can read through my journal and see that. I understand I am not anyone's idea of physical perfection. I've stated that over and over again. So we get to a certain point, you're impressed with how much I seem to understand the role of a sub/slave...and then...despite this, boom...you suddenly ghost. No explanation, no response...just. ghost.

I understand that you're playing the role of the big bad dom and you have to maintain this BS, including a first email saying something like "KNEEL SLAVE!!" right off the bat instead of a "hey...how are you? Nice profile...etc." However, it's simple human decency..."I'm sorry, you're very cool, but I don't feel like you're something I'm looking for." Especially after a slew of messages back and forth.

If you're tired of liars and game players, then don't be one of the fools lying or playing games and wasting peoples' time and emotions.

Let the next ghoster step forward!

I can more clearly understand why people lie on the web and on this site. Telling the truth often gets you virtually ghosted early, no matter how much people say it doesn't matter. Lying, on the other hand, gives you the option of dealing with it when it comes out, which it always does. I guess then you count on the other person saying "oh, well...it's not that big of a deal."

There's no real reward either way, so...

Oh, and I'm not 49 like my profile apparently says. I'm 53. If I make a move to change it, it'll probably lock me out for 6 months. And I'm not sure where my journal entries from 2023 went, but anyway...

People really do suck

What I seek, what I need, is for someone to take me and absolutely crush me...break me down completely, physically, mentally, sexually...push my boundaries. Bend me over, take my ass...fuck me hard. Talk to me, tell me how you're owning me, tell me what you're going to do to me. Call me names.

So often I see BDSM porn where the "slave/sub" is completely into the "torture"..."oh yes, more master/mistress! More!" and that is so far off-base from what I seek. I shouldn't want it. Ideally, you've broken me to the point where I'm doing it to avoid worse punishment. "If you don't do _____, then _____ will happen." I should be dreading it...crying, begging, pleading for my master/mistress to stop. Begging a master not to cum in me or in my mouth. Begging a mistress to stop before I bleed. The earth shattering orgasm should belong to THEM, not ME.

I get messages on here from so many straight masters...who tell me that they're going to branch out and that they're into what I seek. Then they quietly fade away. And the search goes on.

I do not, I suppose, sell myself well on a forum like this. I should be better at it. I'm a skilled writer in most other things, but when it comes to telling someone why they should choose me, I seem to fail again and again and again. I never quite know the right thing to say that would pique someone's interest further than reading my profile. One of the few situations where I feel I'm better face to face. 

I had perhaps the best experience in my life last week. I went to see a very close friend a few states away. I've known her for 20 years and there's always been an unrequited attraction between us but I've told her very little about my submissive need. Well, she sensed it because the first night we were together, she immediately bound me tightly to all four posts of her bed and she had her way with me...but...

Everything was about her...her needs, her wants...her desires. There was not a single thing done or mentioned about mine. She used me as she wanted, rode me and stopped when she was done, not when I was done. I got on my knees and licked everything she told me to lick, put my tongue where she directed. She did everything to me that was my absolute desire, orally please her, CBT, whipping, spanking...insertion. The only thing she denied me was my own eruption. Finally, on our last night, she gripped me painfully and whispered her permission. It was....amazing. Nothing about me except until the end...everything for her. I was in heaven the entire week.

The only thing is that it's not a permanent thing...because of the distance. I want it, she does not. And it was something she did with no preparation or warning....spur of the moment...because it was something she sensed in me.

Sexual ownership and use is a crucial part of what I look for and what I need. I know some look down on that, but I have my reasons. I am searching and seeking and hoping to find something I had a long time ago, a complete sense of ownership and sexual use with no say in how or when or why I was used. It was very, very sexual and I was completely at the whim of a stronger person who could take or do anything to me at any time. They did not take certain liberties, but they could have and they made sure I was very well aware of their power over me. Because that experience was the very thing that unlocked the door of servitude for me, sexuality and sex is a very crucial part  of what I need. I am not talking about my own gratification. If someone so chose, they could provide that, but that would totally be up to them. I am talking about their use of me...however THEY choose...to make THEM happy. When they are done, they can put me back in the closet, in a cage or where ever they choose. Female or male, black, white, hispanic, oriental...matters not to me as much as the opportunity to be used as an outlet for their sexual frustrations, pleasure, whatever they choose. Ask me about the experience and I will tell all about it.

When I am contacted by a straight male dom, I'm never quite sure if I'm what they're looking for and often I am not. More often than not they're looking for "worker slaves" and while I am open to that and no stranger to working hard, it would not fulfill me as a slave to simply have that ect explored. Sound odd? It probably does....but my early, early experience left its mark on me forever.

Being honest about myself does have drawbacks. So much rejection...

I am worthless. All I deserve is to be beaten, tortured,  systematically destroyed, beaten down and used.

Then bent over and fucked, taken as long and as often as it would make someone happy to take me...then left in a pile of useless burnt out ashes, unrewarded and awash in a mass of self hatred so that I may physically feel what I feel so acutely mentally and emotionally. 

So journals are back! Giggity! I remain frustrated in seeking out anyone who can discipline me, use me in whatever way they wish and break down my barriers by simply forcing me to confront them.

Where would I like to be tonight? I would love to be between the legs of a dominant, serving them...servicing them, swallowing what they want me to swallow, sucking what they would have me suck, licking what they tell me to lick. All night...

And when they were sated, satisfied and had used me in exactly the way they wanted, they could reward me...or they could choose not to. They could give me release...or they could refuse. They could drive me right to the edge, or they could put me away with nothing until they were ready to have me again. They would be completely in control. Their satisfaction would be my goal and my reward their choice. It could be a woman...it could be a man (a man would be a new experience and another barrier broken down. I do not care...it's not mine to care, only to lick, suck, swallow and bend over.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_D6y9yYiJyI

That song...has meant more to me than any song I think ever has. To me it's about redemption and letting go..starting fresh and new. To me, it shows the awesome power music can have to change, to build, to shape...to heal...to be magic. To me it is the closest to a religious experience as I think I will ever have.

It's been a bad week...feeling dirty and down...the only way to redemption is through pain. 

It amazes me that, as inexperienced as I am, that it seems I understand the mental side of this lifestyle far better than a lot of people with "years of experience." It's the mentality of total and complete surrender, trust. TRUST. So many will just send messages like "Bend over, slave!" or some such nonsense...without bothering to find out what makes me tick and think that's supposed to just roll me right into their fuck-swing or make me bend over in front of them. I read profiles...everyone's..dommes/doms, subs, slaves...anyone. When I see one with particular depth or that stands out to me, I make sure to leave them a note telling them that I am impressed. Often that leads to a fulfilling conversation...and the people who bother to take the time to find out the inner me. I've read so many profiles of people who seem to have given up hope on CM, but there are people out there who get it and you might miss them. If I were a drinker, I'd tip a glass to the dommes/doms who DO get it. You are treasures and deserve the best of service.

To the couple who missed out on meeting me last weekend because they couldn't get out of the shallow end, your loss. You missed on devotion, loyalty and honesty. Best of luck to you in your future searches. :)

sitting here perusing the site awash in the immense talent that was Marvin Gaye (mercy mercy me..)..loving most of what I see. I've only been on for roughly a month and have already met several interesting people, most of whom are very cool and fascinating people. One of the things that makes me curious, however, is the "findomme." Those who "dominate" through the wallet, or in many cases, purse. These tend to be (though not always) very young, 18-23 year old women. Generally speaking, the doms don't seem to do much financial domination.

Literally, my first 10 messages were from dommes who asked me to Yahoo IM and once we were in IM, proceeded to ask me for "tributes" between 20 and...laughingly...$500. Of course, this triggers in me my deeply sarcastic side...I mean...if I had $500 to throw around, I damn sure wouldn't be doing it online, right?

The mildly disturbing thing is that this seems to be an, if not fully accepted, then a tolerated part of the "lifestyle." I am always, always honest and up front about who I am, even if it means losing a potential relationship. I am terribly inexperienced and will admit that, but dead serious about what I want. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am and I do not view it as a "game," so when people read "inexperienced" and take that to mean that I'm just here to get my jollies, it makes me wonder why that's such a stigma, yet taking someone's money for nothing at all is almost accepted. I mean...EVERYONE was inexperienced at one point...but there was someone out there willing to help them find their place...right?