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| Looking for friendship, conversation, and knowledge.
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My dom had me put that I was owned. I was happy and excited when he told me to do it. So I did as I was told. Then I found out from him, I was not owned. It was suppose to keep other doms away. It broke my heart because I thought I was a step closer to being collared. My dom has only texted me or messengered me for the last week. And only after I made contact first.
I have not made an effort to contact him. I wonder when he will realize he has neglected me and what lame excuse he has this time. I am so tired of being lonely and alone. I just want to break down an cry.
If this is the pain, then the pleasure better be worth it. |
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Well, I pissed off a bisexual female domme tonight. Lol. It is funny. Evidently, she does not read everything. She wanted to micro manage me and control me. So she called me disrespectful and wanted to call me a name but she didn't. She threw a temper tantrum because I wouldn't submit to her. I told her to read my profile. It says conversation, friendship and knowledge. I refused to give her control. I feel sorry for her sub. I wish her luck though. |
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I think I need to dump some history on my sexual exploits. My first was my grandfather, I was 7 when it started with him climbing into my bed which woke me up because I am a light sleeper. He would caress me, kiss me and take off my nightie to touch my bare skin. Then slowly he would remove my panties. I would start to pant with anxiety because it felt so good. He would then rub my legs and patiently spread them apart. He kissed the inside by my knee as one of his hands played with my chest. I would start to squirm and moan. It felt so intense I wanted more. So I told him I liked what he was doing to me. He was pleased and continued too spread my legs wider. He continued to kiss up my thighs. It started to tickle. He said, "Shhh." So I did. He touched the lips of my opening and said, "Mmmm. " I laid there and felt him slip a finger in me. I groaned with pleasure. I arched my back. The sensation was unbelievable. I wanted more. He asked if I was okay. I said yes, I like it. He kissed my clit. I moaned in pleasure. He slipped another finger in me and started to stroke me. I started to rock to the motion, moaning as he went deeper. It felt wonderful and I didn't want it to stop. But it did so he could undo his pants and take off the rest of his clothes. He told me to touch his cock. I didn't know better so I touched it with one finger. He said act like you are shaking hands with it. So I did. He said hold it loosely and go up and down with it in your hand and if you want you can kiss it. I barely started stroking it and he was rock hard. I got excited and kissed it. He moaned in pleasure. I kept doing it and realized I was even wetter now than when he stopped fingering me. He finally had me lay back down and started rubbing his cock on my clit and teasing my pussy. I started to raise my hips to meet his cock. It hurt at first as the head of dick slipped in my tight, wet, virgin pussy. He stopped and said let me know when it doesn't hurt anymore and I will continue. I relaxed and said okay. He pushed deeper and deeper with each stroke and I kept lifting my hips to meet him with each thrust. He kept saying does it hurt? I said no, I like it. I want more. This continued for 2 years everytime he babysat me and my sibling. He never said not to tell anyone or it was a secret. He always told me he loved me afterwards.
When he moved the neighbor boy Butchy started. Here I was 9 and he was 18. I would go for a walk after I caught his eye. At first I didn't know he wanted me, but he did. I would take off into the woods and he spotted me. He asked if he could walk with me. I said yes. He said follow me I want to show you a few things. He took me to a tree fort that I hadn't seen before. He said you first. So up I went with him right behind me. We sat up there talking and he reached over and kissed me. I asked what else did you want to show me. He pulled down his pants to expose his raging hard on. It was bigger than my grandfather's. I smiled. He asked me to touch it and I did without hesitation. He moaned with pleasure. I kissed it and his eyes got big. He stopped me and finished taking off his pants and told me to suck it. This was the first time I sucked dick. So i didn't take it all in my mouth like he wanted. I treated it like an ice cream cone. He said no put it all the way in your mouth and go up and down on it. I tried but I couldn't he was trying to get me to deep throat from the start. I gagged and started to cry. He stopped. Took my clothes off without asking me what was wrong. Laid me down and rammed himself in me. I screamed because it hurt without the foreplay. I relaxed finally and started to rock with him. He smiled and said so you like to fuck. I nodded and moaned. He finished and I wanted more. He said next time. Two days later, we were back in the fort. He said take off all your clothes. I did. He said I want you to suck me until I am ready to cum. I said then don't shove it down my throat or next time I will bite. He taught me facials and swallowing. He would tell me he loved me. Then he went into the army.
I was alone again at 12 but not for long. My dad started to pop pills and drink heavy because of his health. In the middle of the night he would come to me. I would wake up when my door opened. I said hi dad. He said shhh. He kissed me and lifted my nightie to pulled down my panties. He took off his bottoms and he was fully erect. He was bigger than the other two. Oh, shit, was running through my head as he pulled my legs apart and thrust deep inside me. I started to scream and he covered my mouth. He said shut up before you wake up everybody. I relaxed as he went deeper in me and filled my wanton body with pleasure. He said good girl, go get cleaned up. I grabbed my panties and went to the bathroom. I was washing up when he walked in and said let me help you. With my legs spread he touched my clit and I got weak in the knees. He asked you want more? I shook my head yes. He would fuck me 2 to 3 times a week. Then it stopped as fast as it started. I learned that men were all different sizes and all liked different things.
Then there was Butchy's younger brother, Jimmy. I was 13. He taught me how to ride and take more of a cock than ever before. He wasn't any bigger than the rest but he lasted longer. He would get me wet then entered me. He said sit on it. I would slide down as far add I could go and relax. He said I bet you can take more. I looked surprised at him. He said let me show you. As I started to rock he grabbed my hips and started to push me faster and I got wetter. He started to thrust deeper and I started to moan. He smiled and said that's my girl. And he kept pushing deeper in me. My facial expression changed. He said a little more babe, just relaxed. So I did. Oh, what a feeling. He said yes, right there. Fuck it. So I did. He exploded and I wanted more. He also said He loved me. He went into the army that summer.
I was 14 and caught a ride home one day with Reed. He was 22. I ķnew him from a group we were in together. I ķnew him almost 10 years. When we arrived at the corner of my street he asked for a kiss as payment for the ride. He was the first guy I ever French kissed. When the kiss broke, he said I hope you don't kiss all the boys like that. I asked why? He said it would get me in trouble. He gave me a choice to get out and go home or go with him. My parents weren't expecting me home until 8. I said if he could get me home on time, I would go with him. So off we went. He went down an abandoned dirty road with very tall weeds and parked. He asked are you sure about this. I nodded. He leaned over and kissed me while fondling my breast through my shirt. I reached over to touch his raging hard on. He pulled back surprised. I kissed him again and his hand went under my bra and shirt. Skin against skin. I liked what he was doing because I realized my pussy was getting wet. I undid his pants to release his urge to fuck me. He pulled off my bra and shirt and suck on my budding breast. I gasped wondering why no one had done this to me before. I moaned with pleasure. We were finally naked and in the back seat. He told me to get on my hands and knees like i was going to crawl. I did. He told me to rest on my fore arms and he spread my ass cheeks apart as he slid into my throbbing pussy. I groaned with each thrust saying yes, more, I like what you are doing to my body. He said if you like this. You are going to love this. He pulled my hair. Oh my. I came instantly. I said yes, more. While pulling my hair, he reached around and groped my breast then pinched my nipples. I yelped a bit and relaxed into it. He told me he was going to cum and I was to cum with him. I said ok. We made plans to meet twice a week. Then we moved.
I fucked various boys in high school but I wasn't satisfied. I was 16 and Matt was 22. I ran away from home and stayed with him for 2 weeks. We fucked everyday. He said when I get you pregnant, I want to show you how we will fuck. So the foreplay started, he told me to get in the doggy position. I did as he slid his cock in my pussy to get it thoroughly wet. He made me cum a couple of times and asks if I was ready. I said yes as he pulled out and entered my ass. I screamed stop. He did with his dick in me and said what. It hurts I said. He told me to relax. I did and he continued to slowly devirginize my ass. I will fuck you like this as soon as we find out you are pregnant. I told him I didn't like it. He said I would get use to it. We stopped seeing each other shortly after because that was the only way we would have sex. I said I am not pregnant though. Then he said he didn't want to get me pregnant until I graduated high school. I started fucking men for money.
I graduated high school at 17 and ran into Matt. He wanted to get back together I said no. He was pissed. I said it is a give and take world. I gave, you took, now it is my turn.
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I am upset today. Sir had me using a butt plug to prepare his ass for him. I told him it doesn't do anything for me except make his pussy ache to be penetrated. So today he tells me to stop. That if I anger him, I am to seek out a stranger and have safe sex with him.
There is a problem with that. His pussy tightens after cumming. I will end up fishing out the condom from inside his pussy. Leaving the stranger's cum in me and any disease that person has.
That is a hard limit for me and he knows it. My understanding of a hard limit is something a person will NOT do under any condition. So how can he go against it? I do not cheat. I thought hard limits were to be respected. Sometimes pushed but NOT used as a punishment. I can't believe he would treat his property this way. I can't help but think he will use this as a way to get me to give in to him wanting three ways or other partners.
My fear is I will seek out a stranger that will physically harm me or worse. Another dom that will exploit me. A stranger that might kill me. It is straight up dangerous.
I fear this will cause us to break up. |
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I am nervous. I told sir about my journal entries on this site. But I do this for me not him. As I discover more about myself and what i am willing to submit to and what my hard limits are.
I need to start searching my heart. I know I can't be a true submissive. The word tastes vile in my mouth. I ask sir for permission to call, cum, almost everything. To me a sub, (yuck) is a toy. Toys get used, tossed aside, neglected, and forgotten about. Which would cause me to think about straying. The idea of straying sickens me. I am a faithful woman. I might dream of sir doing things to my body but my body is suppose to be his property. So actually it is his body to do with as he pleases.
I have never before had a safe word. To a point, I don't want it because I fear I will use it as a weapon to get my way and deny sir his happiness. Another reason not to be a sub.
Granted I have a strong sex drive. Very strong. Asking permission to cum, to release is aggravating and frustrating. It drives me nuts and not in a good way. I ache for release everyday I speak to him. His deep baritone voice makes me so wet, I can't wait for his touch or his penetration with cock, hand, or him using something on me. As long as he is in control to push me to the edge.
I am always in control. So I am wondering if maybe I could learn to be a switch. I don't want to be in control in the bedroom. I always hated always performing the same positions. I like variety in the bedroom, rough sex, toys, trying new things. Expressing myself.
A domme is what I truly am but I hate it in the bedroom. In the bedroom, I want to be free to feel and experience new things being done to this body.
Sir talks about topspace. I live there everyday all the time. I am bored with it. It does not excite me anymore. I need more, I want more.
So back to sub (yuck), I am better than a sub. I can try to give in. Actually I keep trying to be someone I am not to please sir. I am so confused. In my everyday life the only people I called sir are cops, people I didn't know, or my elders. To call my significant other "sir" makes me feel like I am beneath him or I am talking to a stranger. That I am less of a person. But it pleases him. So I do it. I have always wanted him happy. So this little thing I can do. But that does not make me the person he wants me to be.
Ugh. I feel like I am bouncing my head off a wall right now. I will continue this another day.
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As I sit here fighting the urges of my domme side. I have a butt plug inside me. I hate anal but I have a dom and he likes it. The funny thing is everytime I use my plug or get fucked in the ass. My pussy gets so wet. I can't help but to tease my clit while my pussy aches for attention, for penetration.
So I am here making an entry when I would rather use my magic wand and explode like there is no tomorrow. I hope my dom will use my wand on my clit when he takes his ass next time. Mmmmmm such a fucking turn on just thinking about it. Oh, how wet I am. |
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My sexual urges are so strong and my dom is always in constant pain. I have begged for relief and release. I have upset him for the last few days so I was punished.
I was to lay in bed and use my vibrator on high and a little simulator on my clit. I was told to cum and not stop. I wanted to stop after a half hour but he would not let me. I could not remember my safe word because I have never had one before. I was in tears by the time he allowed me to stop.
He was so proud of me for doing as I was told and not using my safe word that he was turned on and made love to me as I sobbed the whole time. I still managed to put his needs before my self pity.
I felt disgusting the whole time he fucked me. Wondering how treating me like that made him happy. I found my self wanting to bill him like the pro I use to be. |
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I am discovering myself and my true identity in the bdsm community. I have a dom and he wants me to be submissive to him. For some reason, the word tasted bad in my mouth. I thought maybe I was a switch. Then the sweet man my dom can be realized I am a natural domme. Which actually fits, surprisingly. I have had experiences in the lifestyle but never really got into it. I am worried my dom and I can't work through this.
I am also into age play because I don't look my age. The men think I am in my late 30s or early 40s.
I am looking forward to discovering more about myself since I am still innocent. |
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