People kept mentioning to me that I didn’t say anything in my profile, and it wasn’t until very recently that I understood exactly what they were talking about. When you go to fill out your profile, you mark countless check boxes and respond to various short-answer questions about yourself. At some point in the process you are presented with a small text box, into which you are presumably expected to type a detailed narrative describing yourself. I guess I missed the little text box. Its hardly obvious.
The path I have taken en route to finally adding this brief narrative perhaps sheds some light upon me, and my various quirks. While I would hope not to come across as purely dumb – I’m really not - I do freely admit to being something of an airhead on occasion. I’m very gullible, and often find myself the object of other’s amusement, but in a way I sort of like the attention it sometimes brings. I’ve sort of played up this apparant vulnerability, seeking to enlist the protection of those around me. I’ve always relished my role as one in need of protection by my older brothers, friends and co-workers over the years.
I guess I’m wondering aloud if this tendency in part explains my presence here. I’ve heard people refer to the “lifestyle” on occasion. Far be it from me to question others, but I’ve not yet been fully able to reconcile my personal curiosities with the more formal notion of a “lifestyle”. More directly, I’m not sure that I’m necessarily seeking to fully transform into the person I fantasize about becoming. Rather, I think perhaps I am seeking to incorporate, or merely acknowledge in some way, certain aspects of my personality, my sexuality even, as integral components of my current lifestyle.....to find some balance
If that doesn’t totally confuse everyone, then I don’t know what will. I suppose putting it differently, I’ve been dancing around a few of these issues for a while, rather than facing them head on. I'm a master at avoiding conflict, whether inner conflict or with someone else. The problem with that is I have to live with the outcomes, regardless.
I guess I'm just hoping to learn to become a little more comfortable in my own skin, to experience more and to worry less...to surrender to my desires and to share it all with the right person. I’m not quite there yet, but feel I'm getting closer.