The search has been brutal and alot of time disheartening but the new year is coming up so we will see what it brings.

Christmas is coming up!  Can anyone guess what I want for Christmas?....;)

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!!

Saw a sub's profile tonight that really impressed me and I had to take a few words from her to give insight to those who want to be a true sub b/c she knows the meaning of submission and others should learn from her.........

'It's not about pain. It's about being open and completely vulnerable to another person. If you can learn to be that deeply trusting, it changes you."From 'House' Episode 'Love Hurts'

I believe that the path to submission isn't a purely sexual path but also one through research, study, meditation, journaling, self contemplation... etc.

What I expect of someone that is in my training is the same I expect of myself. It's not just what ones body can give... but it's what ones mind is willing to submit.

While I have both a sadistic and a masochistic streak, I don't feel they are necessary, just as I love rope, I love floggers, but they are also not necessary; they are tools. Alas, it's the mind - using its intellect, and its emotion that intertwines with the heart that is the most complete and powerful tool of all.

I'm not the perfect 'Sub', I am constantly learning, a student of life if you will. I have fallen in love, I have been hurt, and I have been the one who has done the hurting. All of the things past and present only tempering me to be a better person both to myself and others. I aspire to be more through serving, through loving, through living.

Thank you to her for being one who is real and for renew faith that there are those out there who know what submission means and what a D/s relationship should beP

If you are only wanting online play, if you have no intention of ever meeting, if you think the lifestyle is about kinky sex and that's what you are looking for, if you can't hold a conversation about life, if you don't know what it means to be submissive, if you can't follow rules, if you can't be honest about your marital/ relationship status, if you can't be honest, if you aren't looking for a LTR, if you think serving is only about following directions or serving sexually, if you are not willing to share personal information about yourself, if you are not willing to go farther than online, if you can't answer basic questions, if all you talk about is sex, if you do not have time to give, if you do not want to know anything about me, if all you ask me is pointless questions, if you are looking for a one night all night keep me from my sleep so you can get off conversation .............then you are wasting my time, please move on!!!!!!!  Interesting people who enjoy getting know others ONLY!  Most subs/fakes/etc have not made it longer than 2 weeks, so if you can't hold my interest don't expect to make it longer than that.

Movie night tonight.  A friend and I have a standing date for movies every other Saturday when her husband is working.  We are horror buffs and it is her turn to get the movies.  She just texted me and told me she rented 2 horror movies and was able to get Magic Mike.  Oh boy!  Wonder how worked up I will be and what kind of mood I will be in later.  Can you guess?.......lol

Had a great time this weekend at a Dom's house, hosted a party and I got to help him with a female sub.  She was so wonderful and everyone there enjoyed watching and participating.  Now I remember why I love the lifestyle so much :)

Been working way to much and it's killing me.  No time for fun makes me very unhappy!

No longer searching for awhile!!!!!

I read a quote that said "Dominance is the ability to create a hunger for you in someone that's so strong that they will do ANY thing, ANY time, Any where just to please you."  I have not made it to that point where I can accomplish that, so it's time to reevaluate what I want and what I will settle for.  I have given up for now on trying to find a relationship that will sustain long term, vanilla or lifestyle.  A friend told me the other day after reading my palm that I have a long love line which means I have a lot of love to give and that I will have a long love in my life but that my line curves which means I was hurt at some point and til I resolve the hurt I will not find the love I am wanting.  So I guess I need to heal and eventually find someone who will renew faith in relationships.

I have always encouraged those who are ready to give up hope in the lifestyle to be patient, but now I understand the frustration.  I talked with a friend/sub who was at that point of giving up not too long ago and when I talked to him the other day he was head over heels for a Domme he met.  He was so hopeful, excited, falling fast and I was so happy for him and that's what it is about.  He is one of the true one's wanting to give all of himself. 

But for me meeting someone new, getting that excited feeling that maybe this time it will be different, then being crushed b/c your time is wasted and the one you thought was different really is a sub like all others and just wanting to get off or play when their time permits.  I am sorry to all those subs who are real and have a constanct urge to please in any way possible, but those who are fake and just wanting the kink from time to time have ruined it for most.  Many are just not willing to give all of themselves.  One day there will be one who stands above all the rest and who proves to be the sub I am searching for.  There will be one who proves interests, who says I want you, I need you, I am yours, and means it.

I'm sure I will return to my search b/c the urges return and they need to be satisfied in any way possible.  But for now, I give up the search, accept I am not one of the exceptional, beautiful Dommes that capture the heart of a sub and just focus on other things.

For all of those who I keep in touch with through CM, all of those I have enjoyed chatting with, you know how to get in touch with me through other means, if not then I will check CM messages periodically and say hi, but for now I am not looking to pursue a relationship in the lifestyle.  For now it's time to step back.

mmmm, the web we weave at times, is it really necessary?  What is the lifestyle about?  It's an exchange of power, or most taboo, intimate desires.  It has to be based on trust and openness in order to get to that high we are looking to experiance.  Imagine being bound, open to another, offering yourself to another to do with what they want.  The pleasure that can be experianced, the freedom.  Such a rush not knowing what may come next.  Now imagine ALL of you being handed over to that person, not just your body, but your mind, your soul, everything you are.  That is the greatest rush you will experiance, that is where a sub needs to be and that is where a Dom/Domme wants them.  To be floating, unable to breath, shaking, pulsating, heart racing, unable to think.  But how do you get there if you do not allow yourself that?  How do you get there if you lie?  How do you get there if you do not open up every part of yourself to someone?  You don't!  You will never feel something more powerful than love and you will always be searching, never being fullfilled, complete.  The play will satisfy the need and urges for awhile, but it will always return and eventually it will not satisfy because more is needed.  A Dom/Domme needs the satisfaction of being needed just as the sub needs to be needed and stand above all others for the one they serve.  If we were all on the same level then we are easily replaceable, is that really your worth?  Is that how you want to be?  Or do you want to be something more?  Do you want to be needed, wanted, loved and cherished?

Company is finally gone and things should slow down and get back to normal.  I learned alot about myself from his visit so something good came out of having to spend time with my ex.....lol.  Hope everyone is doing well and hope to catch up soon

Been away for a bit due to the impact of Issac in the area and have company this week.  Hopefully things will be back to normal when he leaves Saturday.  I hope everyone is doing well and those in the area were kept safe as Issac came through.

What does it mean to be submissive?  Is it the way you feel, is it the way you act?  If it's just a feeling, then it comes and goes and you are just looking for play when you are ready.  If it's the way you act, then you remain steady and are ready to pursue a long term relationship.  It's in your actions that you prove your worth.  There may be things you do not like, you may struggle with doing them, but you do as you are told.  Without guidance you are lost, lonely, empty.  Your actions say alot about your submission and what you are looking for.

What is a D/s relationship?  Why be committed/owned?  Are you just a player sub looking for a "one night stand" when you are ready?  Or are you needing that void filled.  Once you find the one that consumes your thoughts, your mind, controls your body, then you are ready for a real experiance.

Ask yourself what you want and what you are ready to put forth.  As a Domme, I must do the same, all Doms/Dommes must.  What is it do we want out of the lifestyle?  Fun or fullfillment.

Don't be afraid to say, after reading my profile, it's always nice to make new friends and to have others to talk to about the lifestyle

Is it really that hard to find a local, REAL sub who understand his place, always remembers who is in charge, doesn't try to top from the bottom, can carry a conversation, has a personality, can connect with on a vanilla and D/s sense?

Looking for real people only!  If you are not willing to send a pic, cam, text or talk after getting to know each other, then please do not bother me.  You must be able to prove you are real and you must be willing to get into a D/s relationship, meaning giving all of yourself.  Of course I am carefull and selective, so this comes after getting to know each other, but make clear what you are willing to do upfront so that we can get things straight from the beginning.  I am looking for a LTR, but not 24/7 because I do have many vanilla respnsiblities so you must be able to perform in a D/s relationship and a vanilla relationship.  You will be responsible for caring for my needs and pleasing me at all times in a physical or emotional sense.  Your main focus will be pleasing me!

I often see others making comments about how most on this site are fakes or out for money.  I would always try to offer support and tell them to be patient, that there are some good people on here.  Even if a D/s relationship does not come from every message, a friendship may be formed.  But now I have come to realize most on here are fakes or flakes.  Most love to talk a big game, but hide behind the words and the safety of the computer.  I referenced someone I had met and started talking to in a previous journal, stating he was a good guy and reenforced my faith in others.  Well, he turned out to be worse than some of the others a I have met on this site.  Things were going good, we would stay up late talking, had some great conversations and found we had alot in common both in vanilla and D/s, but as all good things, it has come to an end.  He showed his true self and flipped out b/c I would not give him what he wanted b/c I had a bad day and was not in the mood to talk with anyone.  What the hell is that?  He flaked out over something small.  But at least it happened now and not later.  Again I wasted my time and put faith in someone that seemed to be a decent person.  There are way too many people "playing" in the lifestyle just for the kink.  I have decided if one can't back up the words, then they are not worth my time.  Talk is cheap and I am tried of it.  So to those who pay attention  to my journal, if you think I am tough or cold hearted then maybe you should back up the words that are so easy to type and prove that you are worthy of MY time or find someone else who will play the games you are interested in b/c I am NOT.

Sometimes we lose our way and sometimes we lose our faith and question what the hell we are doing and what's the point.  We start to give up and withdraw from the things we enjoy and isolate ourselves from others.  Then someone comes along and restores our faith, gives us hope, renews our emotions.  Even if the relationship is short lived or never moves past friendship, that person reminds us that we are not as numb to emotions as we thought we were.  Finally we feel again and remember why we continue to put ourselves out there and search for someone to connect to.  Thank you, and you know who you are, for being the person that you are, for being so well rounded and wanting to know everything, for looking past the usual and knowing that you have to know the whole person.

What does it mean to be a submissive?  To all who call themselves subs, ask yourself that, analyze that.  What do you want in a Dom/Domme?  Ask yourself that and be honest.

Had  Dom offer advice for me to take as just that, he said to keep in mind that if a sub plays games with me it is not their fault, it is mine b/c I did not force the issue and that I am in charge always, it was good advice, greatly appreciated and has forced me to reevaluate my dominance.

Some subs can be so complicated.  They need to learn and remember their place and stop the games.  To be a sub is to give control over to your Domme/Mistress whatever you refer to her as.  It is not to question or debate or give excuses.  Make your intentions known in the beginning, be honest about what you want and there will be no misunderstandings.  If you are not happy then say so, not everything works out and you move on and try again.  Do not play games and say sweet words to hang on in case nothing better comes along.  If I tell you what I want and what I am looking for then either agree and obey or say I'm sorry we are not in the same mind frame.  It is fine.  Someone will always get mad or hurt when you are not honest.  Communication is a big part of a relationship, especially in the lifestyle.  I like a challenge and I want a sub who has a brain and can hold a conversation, but do not disrespect me or my position in the relationship.  Once you have lied then trust is broken and it is hard for me to trust again.  I am looking for a long term sub to collar and own, but if I am going to invest the time then so should the one I take into consideration.  I can be understanding or I can be harsh, even mean.  Things are done my way and that's how it is.  If this is not something you can do then you are dismissed and do not waste my time.  Do not even say hi if you have not decided what you want. 

How do you reach subspace without real time?  What does it mean to be owned?  Is it just a title that one wants to hear just to hear the words?  Isn't it equivalent to love in our vanilla life?  It allows us to meet a higher level, it gives us security, it gives us a sense of being needed.

Online play is fun at times and allows us to hide and feel secure but at some point a greater connection must be made.  Without the touch, the breath in our ear, the kiss on our neck, the flesh against flesh how is trust formed?  We are all needy creatures and need SOMETHING at some point.  Words are words, anything can be said, touch is deeper.  Looking into each other's eyes as the words are said makes it all real.  The touch, gentle or rough or firm, reaches the soul, heightens the senses, satisfies the need.

Trust is the most important thing in the lifestyle.  To trust another opens us up to different possiblities.  We can get hurt or we can find what we have been searching for.  The games are for the bedroom, the lies are for those who have not found themselves yet and are still searching.  Do not pull me into the lies, I am confused enough about me and do not need help to be more confused.

Not everything works out as we hope and we have the option to move on and reevaluate things or lay down and let it get to us, I am not willing to lay down and let it defeat me so I continue on and find joy in the little things til something bigger comes along.

Stayed out of touch for awhile.  Decided to try to have a relationship with a sub I met on this site and he relocated but things have not worked out.  Now browsing around I'm not finding anything to hold my attention.  Maybe this site is no longer for me and my tastes are changing. 

I have been away for a very long time due to the ever changing facts of life.  I am now in a strong relationship with a man who I met on this site over a year ago.  He was looking as a sub with only a few interests in certain things in the lifestyle, but has found more interests and has also realized he likes to switch at times though still more of a sub, only in a sexual sense.  I am trying to open his mind to different ways of thinking and am currently looking for a man or men to help me make him into a true slut since his fantasy is of being a bitch/slut/whore and mine is of watching this happen.  He is still close minded to a point, and though not gay or even bi, enjoys the thought of being turned into a cock loving slut to be used and abused.  For me, having him used by another man or men is a true power trip because of the control.  He is a true man who is scared to cross that line because of what he thinks being with a man may say about his manhood, but I will make sure eventually he will cross it.

I've been away for a long while.  The laptop broke again so had to get a new computer.  Started a new job that keeps me really busy.  Found a new place I'm getting ready to move into.  And met a great guy, though he lives many miles away.  So hasn't been much time for play.  I hope all the great people I have met are doing well.  I miss everyone.  Hopefully I will find time to catch up with everyone soon.

PLEASE READ.............No contact for awhile, due to computer problems.....................

Well one more thing to cause stress.  I now have a virus on my computer and my laptop so both will be down for awhile.  This makes me very upset because now it is difficult to keep in touch.  Maybe someone is trying to tell me something.......hehe

I will do my best to get things fixed as quickly as possible, but with my luck that will not be til the year 2012.  Oh well, it is what it is.  I am very, very upset about this because I get some peace when I am able to talk to those who are true friends.  But what can I do?  

I will be back when I get a new laptop.