4/7/2018 11:24:56 AM: I lay down on the floor. Naked. Cold. Alone. I wrap the bed sheet around my body. I begin to shake. More so than I have ever done in my life. Or at least it feels that way. I pull my knees into my chest. I try desperately to call out your name. Nothing comes out of my mouth. It wouldn't do any good anyway. You wouldn't hear me. I feel like I am screaming. Screaming at the top of my lungs for you. What more can I do? How else can I show you? Beg for you? Ask for you? I dig my nails into my flesh and drag them hard across my skin. I feel nothing. No pain to my body would be anything like the pain inside my heart and mind. But I would though, I would trade and have every bone in my body broken again and again if it just meant the pain inside of my heart would stop. How much longer Master? How much longer do I need to wait? Screaming, crying, begging for you. How long until you see me. How long until you truly see me Sir. I am here. Waiting... Waiting... I will always be waiting.. Always and Forever. 

4/2/2018 10:51:24 AM: I can literally feel my heart hurt as it beats. Every beat is a sharp stab. Over and over. The ache and loneliness I feel... I never knew could be possible. I have never felt more alone in my life than I do right at this very moment. This world is so dark. So cold. So cruel. I cover my ears, close my eyes and scream as loud as I can in hopes for even a few moments it will help. Let out the anger, the demons, the fear. My attempt to let it all out. I open my eyes and find myself in the exact same position. The exact same pain. Mostly though.. the exact same fear. Please.. leave the light on. 

4/1/2018 10:06:58 AM: It is cold out today.. isn't it? Is it the weather that is cold? Or simply my soul? Music has always been my fix, my cure. Today I find it is unable to help. Unable to create answers. Unable to cleanse my body, soul and mind. I feel cold. Lost in a nightmare perhaps. The hardest part is I am not sure what even happened. I am not sure what lead me here. What got me to this point. What pushed me to be where I am today. I wipe the tears from my eyes and continue to type. Though I am not sure what the point is anymore. I do not feel anything in these words. I do not feel anything in anything anymore. I have been numb, empty, cold many times in my life but this.. this is different. This is unlike anything I knew to exist. Unlike anything I knew I could experience. I keep waiting. Silent and patient. For answers or for some form of understanding. There seems to be just enough to force me to further pine and follow. Yet never an explanation. Never a full understanding. I feel shattered. I feel like the parts that had once been glued together and replaced are now simply shards that are scattered across the floor. I ache. Truly ache. No one should have to feel this way.. or at least.. that is what I thought. 

3/31/2018 12:00:00 PM: I find myself on here to write again.. Second time today.. what is wrong with me? Am i truly needing an outlet this badly?.. I have a tumblr that I am supposed to be using as my outlet but.. it is not the same.. It feels like home here. I suppose I have just been writing here for so long that anything else is going to feel unnatural.. I have tried.. I type something out there.. draft after draft but... nothing flows.. not like it does here. I am sure by now no one wishes to continue to listen to me whine or feel bad for myself. I apologize if my last two writings have seemed that way. I just feel.. so very lost today.. Every part of me is aching from the inside out. How can  he not feel it? How can he not feel the same? How does he not ache and crave me as I do him? Have I failed? Let him down? Ruined everything? Has he become tired of me? Bored with me? Will today be the day he takes his collar from me and sets me free? So many unanswered questions that I feel will remain unanswered until he sees fit to come to me or make me feel better. Some times I wonder what that must feel like. Having this type of power over someone. Choosing to have a bad day and focus on myself while someone who lives and breathes for me sits silently aching, waiting, suffering for me. Would I enjoy that? Does he? Does he get some kind of pleasure knowing he can hurt me and bend me and break me and then ignore me or focus on himself and know that as soon as he snaps his fingers I will be right there on my knees waiting for what ever he wants. I wonder what that type of power feels like. I wonder if this is the normal. I wonder if we had what they call a 'honeymoon stage' and now this is to be here forth our experience and time together. I wonder if he will allow me to turn this need and craving off. If he will allow me to stop hurting for a few moments and come up for air. I do not know what has happened to him as of late. He says it is work and such but I see a change in him. A change that truly scares me. I wish for my old Sir back. The one who would smile when he saw me. Beam knowing I was his. I am starting to become more and more sure that I am a failure. Every second that ticks by I do not hear from him my thoughts run wild. Fear, sadness, worry. Does he know this? He must.. then why does he allow me to hurt so? Is this a test? A game? If so I know I am failing. All I ever hoped for and wanted I see vanishing before my eyes. I bite my lip hard as I write this. Tasting the blood in my mouth. Fear bringing out a side to me.. a side I am unsure of. Oh how I wish for the aching to stop. Oh how I wish.. I.. I wish... 

3/31/2018 9:50:20 AM: I was hoping to feel better today. I was hoping to speak with him and feel at peace. Feel like I am back where I belong. To feel that calm loving feeling flow over my body. Yet... I am far from that feeling. I am cold. Numb. I ache. Inside and out. He has taught me to know nothing but him. Feel and live and breathe for nothing but him. I learned.. I listened. I did exactly as he wanted. Exactly as he demanded and asked. I changed and shaped and molded exactly as he needed. Now I kneel here.. Needing him. Aching for him. Craving his very existence and I find he is to tired for me. He has his own feelings and emotions and wants and needs. Currently I do not fit into his picture at all. I understand. His wants and needs and everything come first. But what am I to do? I need him and he is not here. Does he not know how badly that hurts me? How could he know? It is simple for him. Snap his fingers and his pet, his toy, his sub comes running. But what happens when I need him? Truly need him? Yet he can not be there for me.. I bite my tongue? Hold back the tears and try and breathe through it. How foolish of me to try and place my wants or needs anywhere near his. He hates one of my previous Doms. He has done everything to bend and break me in a way I never think of that Dom again. He has done a fine job. But does he take into consideration when he does things like this to me.. he seems just like my past? He puts himself and needs and wants first which I am taught is important. But what about when I need him? Truly crave him and need him yet he shoos me away like it is nothing. Does he not see how badly I hurt and ache? Can he not look past his ways for but a moment and see the pain in my eyes. Oh if only he could truly see this pain in my eyes. But he will not and by the time he does. I fear it will be far to late. I press the cold steel of the blade firmly against my skin, dragging it in long even strokes. I cry and watch as the tears fall from my face and cascade onto my legs mixing with the blood in streaks. What a beautiful mess. What a beautiful disaster you have created Sir. Are you happy now? Are you truly happy with me now? Have I finally done enough? Become enough? Broken enough? Will these be words you see and read? Truly read? Or will they simply be words that bounce off of you? That mean nothing to you? Stuck in your own ways you can't see the pain? The ache? The hurt? The fact that for the first time I am begging.. Truly begging for my Sir.. Because I need him.. Now more than ever.. Are you proud now Master? Are you proud of me now?