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Kane
Hetero Male, 46, GY, Arizona 
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Kane
6/1/2017 12:41:53 AM: I'm getting ready to head back to California next month for a visit.  17 days to go and counting.  I'm looking forward to spending some time out there with someone very special and close to my heart.  Who knows what the time together will bring but I'm sure it will be electric.  Each time I go it gets harder to come back but my life is here.  This place has grown on me a bit over the last couple of years but this place, unless she chooses it, is no place for her.There is some appeal to going back home.  My friends, family, community, it's all there.  But here I have peace.  It's quiet and safe and I value the cleaner air.  I miss the California beaches but I think I would miss places here like Ruidoso... not that I go up there much.  I like the small bars here but miss the live music scene there.  I hate the traffic there and don't mind it so much here.  It leaves me a lot to think about and in time I'm sure I'll have it figured out.  I can always just go back and forth but I'm afraid that would get to be too much on me at some point and right now it's not possible to reciprocate the travel arrangements.I suppose, as with everything, there is a little give and take that needs to be shared and in time I'm sure it can and will be.  For now, I'll just keep considering my options and be thankful that I have options to consider.  What I know with absolute certainty is that I have to weigh everything and be calculated in any decisions that could impact my ability to sustain the life I'm living.  If only I were 10 years younger and able to take the risk all over again.

4/18/2017 12:17:05 AM: It has been amazing reconnecting.  Not much has changed aside from our connection being stronger than ever before.  The energy is heightened and more focused, the connection more centered, the love... undying.  How do you go 10 years apart without any contact to still be so incredibly in love with one another?  This doesn't happen to just anybody.

3/26/2017 12:52:10 AM: I look back so often at what was that I forgot to look forward to what could be.  Looking back eventually stopped being a journey through regret and anguish and turned into a guide for the next journey but there was always this burning question in my soul.  I knew the answer but couldn't get out of my own way long enough to go back and pick up what I had no intention of dropping off.  One must never forget their journey or what is in their heart that guides them.  Stay the course no matter how rough the seas become and never stop trying to be a better version of who you are.  This is where I lost sight and where it all began for me.Looking back through my journal entries, it's easy to see where I was and where the sinister side of myself came out of hiding.  I was on top of the world.  Nothing could touch me as I had the best of the best.  I was the Alpha to her Omega.  She was the moon to my sun.  We paired so perfectly that some would say it was destiny.  We were proof that soulmates actually existed and even today our story would affirm this.The Notebook has nothing on us and only offers a small glimpse into who we are and what would become of us without the tear-jerk ending.  No, our story is a mixture of some of the best stories ever told dating back centuries.  Our story was foretold and unfolded long before we existed.  Our lives were meant to cross paths (again).  I saw her before we met.  I met her before I even knew she existed.  We existed before time was created.  We were created to enhance the lives of the other.  I was the Yin to her Yang.  We existed before we existed.  We remember coming together in a dream long before our story began on this plain and there is no denying our connection either by dreams or by the electricity and connection that exists between us.  I can feel her despite the distance between us.10 years ago I let her slip away.  I let the demons that haunted me take control and posses me and dictate my actions despite the fight I put up.  My resolve was weakened and I vanished out of existence but she was never far from my thoughts and every day I would call out to her.  I would beg the winds to carry a message to her.  I plead with whatever was out there listening to give her peace and comfort.  I wrote coded messages here to her.  As private and as shielded as my social media accounts were, I would only post a public message if it was meant for her but I forgot one very important thing.  We were eternally connected.  Perhaps it was for the best as it would have driven more more insane dwelling on when she would return to my life.The best years of my life was with her.  She was my friend, my partner, my soul, my everything all wrapped into one amazing little package.  She was the epitome of perfection.  She was the only shining light in a world that was dark, cold, and weary - but she also knew my heart and fought a major battle to protect it.Fast forward 10 long agonizingly difficult and painful years to not so long ago when she reached out to me.  Her words were simple yet touching and concerned - just checking on me.  When we first came together, I had just lost my Mom to cancer.  When she came back to me, I had just lost my Dad to the same fate.  Looking back, all I wanted and needed was to hear her voice.  Out of everything I could have done and through all the time that had passed, I still chose her as my means of comfort.  My first thought were of her and this time she replied.  Who needs email or phones when you are us?More to come...

8/21/2011 12:47:03 PM: Being 'out of touch' with the scene over the last couple years has been a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I have figured out the meaning of my own life and what I can be doing to attain inner peace and calm in the outside world filled with calamity. My best work comes from helping others see that which they could not see before. The world is a blinding place when the things in it have more appeal than the knowledge of what comes next. With most mental barriers broken down and shattered into a thousand little pieces, the clarity of this reality shines brighter than the sun or a thousand suns together. The mediocre fall prey time and time again which the strong minded and strong willed thrive survive and thrive with the blessings that man cannot give or buy. I see a new way and have attained a new beginning and have thus set the stage for my own rebirth. It is simply amazing what one can do when they open their eyes and see the true beauty of a people who work hard to play hard but do it all in appreciation of the creation. What was once a subtle moment in time wrapped in love of 'things' is blossoming into something more beautiful than the eye could see. There is one word alone that can create so much confusion but in time and with effort can create a whole new world for all that take the time to meditate on it. Today, I share with you that word and the world that was created for me because I can say that I get it. Simplify! Find your balance... find your love... find your heart... find your life. Having take the time to effectively meditate and discover the meaning, I find now that I am even more capable than once thought to achieve even greater things in life and to stand for something in death. If we don't stand for something, we will certainly fall for everything. So take root and plant new seeds in the minds of those around you. Show kindness and mercy but be strong and mighty. Let the world know of your loving kindness but build armies of great might to aid your defence. Wisdom is the hammer that can break nations apart while building new ones to stand until time indefinite. Plant the seeds of life and let the vibrant color of the violets bloom for eternity. Think of others before you think of yourself but stand strong and mighty and stay the course.

5/31/2011 12:28:34 PM: My heart lies in places that I cannot allow my mind to follow.  Perhaps one day I'll find a symbiotic balance in the two ideals but until then, my mind will focus on that which is most important.  Afterall, the heart is just an emotion as where the mind is knowledge and the ultimate power.

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MsBelzibabe
 
 Age: 99
  Minnesota