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Hi. Im Cali.
Crafter, dancer, poet, groupie, muse, renegade raver, festival fairy, nurturer, domestic, eternal babygirl, wounded healer, free spirit. Im a hot-mess but a sweetheart and an asset to those around me.
For a little while I loosely claimed sapiosexual, though it never felt like quite what it was with me, it just took a while for the term Demi to hit main stream. And I thanked fuck when I discovered it, with the same gratitude as when I found out there was a name for sub and and a name for littlesmiddles. And just as quickly learned that it didnt make living as any of these things any easier.
Natural born sub. Meaning its not something I got into, its the sexual identity I was born with, its been with me lifelong and hasnt changed.
Ive been out of the closet for a decade about how I identify, and pretty much waiting all this time for someone who fits me.
Im on the psychological end of the pool. Into sensations like molestation, objectification, degradation, being used like a toy. I have a love and service fetish. Fantasies can be pretty dark, but In Real Life It doesnt need a production, I just like to feel seen, coveted, pushed, utilized, appreciated. Which doesnt happen often for me. When it does, I tend to a serious crush and desire to serve.
Any hint of role-playproduction is a confusing turn-off for me. Im not interested in the action, Im into the energy behind it.
Demisexual for me means meaningless sex unfortunately does nothing for me. I cant really do casual, because Im emotionally charged. The term demi means partial, but it doesnt mean we crave sex any less. Just means we need to feel something on a deeper level in order to really engage.
Also a natural alternative lifestylist. I identify as part babygirl (my littlemiddle side is around 11 I believe), part wifeymotherydomestic (not a maid, but homemaker, nurturer), and a sort of human-pet (puppy-ish), and I have a bit of a personalized dolification fixation (into intentional transformation and wanting to be transformed more). This is me. To the vanilla eye, Im just refreshinglyoddly eccentric. But Im living partss of lifestyle roles 24-7, naturally. I dont exactly switch from one role to the next, I embody it all as one being.
I am currently seeking housing, hopefully in or close to my home towns, but I am always open to relocating at least for temp. I can offer 300 plus domestic help, for the right place. Update I may have found a fitting place already.. Im still open to interviewing for other places til I know. Profile takes sooooooo long to pass inspection here...
I have experience in low-key domestic exchange dynamics. I dont like to start things out with sexualromantic expectation. That needs to unfold organically. But I do have the ability to hit the ground running with domestic living arrangements. Ive done this a handful of times and it has worked well. And I have relocated temporarily for it, and that has worked well too.
Not into the scene, role-playprotocol Not poly, a swinger, bisexual Not interested in much older men (actually a bit of a cougar and also into guys my own age to a few years older) Not into the marriage and children path Advocate for non-monogamy, but I identify as naturally monogamous Hoping for LTR with a natural Dom who shares my kinks
Online cordial chit-chat is a pet peeve. Please dont ask me how Im doing today. ...Im not here to be cornered into being fetishized, internet play, flirtation, or treating conversation like its a Ds interview.. Im here to be myself... Intelligent conversation is welcome.
Best wishes to you all
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So whatever, I guess everything is rare. I guess everything is new. Because only days ago I documented a new found cuddle buddy who I then lost days later and simultaneously grounded into cuddles with a new buddy that night. This is me getting out. After a decade of waiting for something real to find me. Realizing how quickly a decade can go. And what is real? People have asked me this question and I only say... that I know what isn't real. And that when real happens, I'll feel it. But what if the truth is that everything is real and not real. I don't think real is something to wait for, it's something to get out there and explore for. What if heartbreak is kinda an illusion. Real hearts are breaking all the time. For the beauty of the world. Human connection is important. I mean to be brave enough to go for it. It's ok if it fails. |
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I'd forgotten til recently, what it feels like in the body when I've pushed someone away. Like a flush of toxicity through every cell. A pain unlike any other. And how it clings to the body and spirit for a while. And then the release from it, what it feels like to wake one day and the weight has lifted. And also, how pointless it really is to let such things shock one so. The little meaning it realistically holds. Whatever flavor of the day, or week, month, year, handful of years, however long you got to love that person, that's all it was. Just some bit of time to get to feel some things. |
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Documenting this because it's rare. I finally landed a cuddle buddy. It's very nice. Human nature is interesting and weird. I like watching it unfold. I am a serious mess. But I'm owning my mess, which is new. And also what's new is somebody who witnesses my mess, and keeps coming back just to be around me. Now moment is all we really have. You can spend a lifetime analyzing, or enjoy what you have while you have it. |
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I can tell people I'm a natural sub, tell them it's been a part of me life-long so for me it's identity and not a game, tell them it's not about the action it's the real energy behind the action that matters with me, and they accuse me of being too vague. Oh is it vague, really? I can't be the first human to have discovered this. Doing the motion of bdsm, and actually just being it, is the same as just saying the words I love you, or meaning it. And if my lifetime of sexual identity is too vague for you, there's no action you could do that would make us sexually compatible. I can't ask for the thing I need; to be seen strait to the soul and to be taken by someone who actually wants me. For my very kinky and romantic submissive tendencies. It's not like asking to be spanked. All I can do is wait for it, and make my peace with the possibility that it may not even happen in this lifetime. And try to wrap my mind around the fact that I still need to open up and let go enough to have good sexual and loving experiences with others. And I'm not "waiting for perfection", I'd settle for real. ...They say good things come to those who wait. It isn't true, but hope is fun to spread I guess. A couple years into my wait, I got concerned. Another few years went by, and I realized there's a chance it may not even happen for me. It's ok kinda as long as I put my mind on other things. And it really only hurts when I try to connect with others romantically. It's been recently dawning on me that no one actually ever told us that relationships would happen for us, or that relationships were supposed to look a sort of way. We're only given this handful of years to live out. We're still just learning how to breathe and who we are. |
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So many dom profiles seeking a sub to train. None seeking one to tame. |
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https://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life?utm_source=tedcomshare&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=tedspread
You're welcome. :) |
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K guys, I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life yet other than surviving and attempting to grow and finding pleasure in the little things, but I know for sure what I'm supposed to be doing with my mornings. Meditate, dance, stretch, and then keep dancing. I wake up like this. It takes at least an hour, if not 3. |
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"Sub training" is a fetish, not a prerequisite. |
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...For this is what I'm finding. I will never be done making mistakes.
So I have to believe that someday someone will hold me through them. |
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Oh my goodness. All cute people in their beds. All cute people to their rooms. Warm semi-clean home. Chocolate chip cookies in the bellies, lingering in the air. Night sky twinkling. beckoning. Life happens. |
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I don't buy the theory that I'm just too picky, or that my expectations are too high or unrealistic. I don't buy the idea that I have to love myself more in order to be ready for romantic love. I love myself now. This is what that looks like. I don't buy that I am too weird or broken to be loved, and I don't buy that the kind of love I desire/deserve doesn't exist. Friends, strangers, my own mind, if these are the kinds of thoughts you're peddling just keep on walkin cuz I'm not buying. |
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Sitting in my room. Last night here. Everything packed and in it's place. Few colorful tapestries on the walls. Crescent moon in the desert sky. I broke my heart again somehow and brought it back to life again somehow. It's bigger now. |
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I live inside a music box dressed in bismuth and bear ears dancing from morning to night
Lonesome standing music box high on a desert hill beneath an open sky happy little bismuth bear in there dancing from morning to night |
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I remember being small watching my father pull a splinter of glass out of my mother's foot while she whined and squirmed all cute and scared on a kitchen chair. Just now I was cleaning my ears and the cotton tip came off. My friend helped me, I was scared, it was cute. He kept his cool the whole time telling me to breathe and once he got it out we were both giddy and hugging and he goes, "Ok now I can tell you how freaked out I was man!" There are scary things in the world and it's nice to have friends who will fish things out of my ear. |
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Don't forget, we are human beings. We have the power to claim our flaws, call ourselves out on our own b.s., forgive, laugh, cultivate compassion, ask the real questions, find gratitude in the little things, swim through the muck and dance in the light, face our pain and fear in ways that grow us, own our own selves. |
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It doesn't jump in and hit the ground running it creeps in on us over time until all of a sudden we feel it usually just before we have to loose it tho if you weren't paying attention you might have overlooked it but in moments discovered it there as tho it had been just around the corner folding socks this whole time just dreaming of baking you plates of cookies of kissing you awake |
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Woke from vivid dream of meeting a partner worth being with. I met him at a park, realized he was a dom fit to my sub nature somehow. We touched cheeks together and knew eachother, and knew we had finally found something we had been seeking, and we smiled with our cheeks pressing together.
I lost him, in the dream, it wasn't meant to be somehow, and this hurt my heart. I calmed myself by saying to me, "It's ok, you are still doing your soul work. This will still lead to a fitting partner."
I woke to 3 online notifications, each from a different dating site, the first I opened began, "As a dom I expect full access...", the second was a cut and paste intro opening with a person's physical stats, and the third was a random friend request with no message attached.
I still remember how it felt, almost as though it had really happened, touching cheeks with park dream boy, knowing I had found a dom who would know and love me. And how it felt when I told myself that it's ok to not have it now because I'm doing my soul work and that's all that needs to matter for now.
I feel these online places have drained the human right out of us all. I don't know, maybe we just need to go to the park more. |
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I just found this on someone's profile, and I'm loving it.
1. The healthy submissive is capable of, and thrives on, intense, intimate, emotionally open relationships. This is often evident in the number of nourishing, sustaining, and life affirming friendships she makes over the years.
2. The healthy submissive is a giver. She often needs help to ration herself because her impulses nearly always lead her to want to do good for others.
3. The healthy submissive is capable of intense joy, especially in the context of a sustaining relationship.
4. The healthy submissive finds significant relaxation when properly related. She is at ease in that place.
5. The healthy submissive has finely tuned interpersonal sensitivity. She is reactive to subtle shifts in the emotional tone of others.
6. The healthy submissive has a fluidity of self, a flexibility that enables her to adapt to changing circumstances.
7. The healthy submissive is playful.
8. The healthy submissive has no more than the usual cultural conflicts about her body, and its goodness and beauty.
9. The healthy submissive takes pride in her accomplishments.
10. The healthy submissive accepts herself as she is, knowing that while her culture values independence and self sufficiency, she has strong dependency needs and that there is no inherent "wrongness" about those needs.
11. The healthy submissive seeks nourishing relationships.
12. The healthy submissive, in accepting herself "as is" is tolerant of others. But neither will she allow anyone to tell her what her truth should be.
13. The healthy submissive has a reasonable self concept, aware of her difficulties as well as her strengths.
14. The healthy submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrating understanding. When her nature is understood and she is held in a loving and firm frame, her devotion is almost limitless. The healthy submissive has an enormous capacity for devotion, from which springs her service |
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Classy is something that happens on the inside. It's when you stop blaming, stop being attached, forgive everything, feel gratitude, accept the mystery of not knowing what's next because there's romance in that sensation when it's void of fear, and glide on. |
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Anything else can go wrong or feel wrong in a day, but if I can get up and make a salad for someone who expresses honest gratitude for it, well that was a good day.
I find myself back here at the house, after what, over a year and a half since I left it. I am different now. It's nice to be here. I get spoiled on getting to care take for so many all at once, it fills my heart. And I know I can't stay for long. I must appreciate it for this short now time I've been blessed here. And I don't know where I'm going after this. Perhaps back to the desert for a while. I could use a rest and some time to really work on myself after all I've been through this past few months. |
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Journal Entry | about 16 hours ago
Some things I did today: Cleaned a house for no pay. Rode the bart all by myself and didn't even have a stuffed bunny. Payed the ticket home for a stranger in need, emptying my funds. Gracefully walked away from an unappreciative situation. Let a big lesson in self-worth hit my heart. Held myself. Laughed.
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I just want to be useful and know that I am be ever more and more useful and want to be appreciated and cared for and admired to the moon and loved and want to be taken and messed with and messed with and taken on deep and loving and sometimes dark twisted levels I want to know that I have a place in this world where I make sense where I am needed and wanted without a doubt |
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I do much appreciate the extraordinary freedom in this odd way of living, but I hunger right now for being kept. For being desired enough to be kept. Maybe because I am standing in this place in myself right now where I know I'm seriously worthy of it. |
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An icecream sandwitch somehow actually tastes sweeter when someone sweet hands it to you and eats one beside you. No lie. |
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Who is this person I pretend to be the one who doesn't like me
because when I let all the walls down and the real real me comes around that's where I like to be
everything's simple and true and profound when I'm the real me |
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I'm always saying that I don't have a choice who I fall for, but I do. I do have a choice. I can walk away as soon as it starts, before it becomes anything more. Or I can close my heart to it, choose to see it for what it is, not romanticize it, not give in or give myself to it. I can let it be and let it be what it is, I can be the doll of joy that I am and soak up the goodness of what is, and not tumble into love's abyss. I can be fluid. A girl can kick it. I do have that choice. I don't have to let another clueless boy have me. Not the whole me. The whole me is on reserve for someone who has a clue what I am, and actually wants me. |
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Journal Entry |less than a minute ago
I'm happy this is what it looks like everything is cracked open and spilling out confusion and pain and sorrow too it's when I meet it all and then take a step back and look that I find you
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I rather like waking up in a new city. I feel comfy in this new home. And I can tell this man is kind natured. I am safe here for now. And also... who woulda thunk it... that I would be this when I grew up... a traveling temp live-in nonsexual domestic insta-gf. This thing I had always been doing in whatever ways I could, and then slowly but surely it became solid, I gave myself this path. I carved it out of the world for me. |
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I am still a doll so blank and easily filled in As quickly reinvented into each new enviornment Still so open still so zen Like allowing water to fill me in and flow on through A passageway, a channel to you and you and you |
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That awkward moment when a friend finds out you're sub so they offer to play dom with you and you have to stumble over attempting to explain that unfortunately that doesn't compute because you aren't into role-play. |
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I wish that the word 'sub' didn't just make everyone think sex. Gay people have sexual identity too, you all don't automatically go "Oooo gay sex" when you think of them.
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I just saw a profile with no pic, and just the words "If you think you're interested, impress me." |
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I should make an honest resume, It would just say true things in it like, "My fave thing to do is wash dishes while hanging with cute people and listening to music.", "Love makes me go O.C.D. on house cleaning projects.", "Gardening gets me high", "Will often work for music.", "Totally weird girl only able to work with/for awake/aware family"... "Might sweep floors to alleviate boredom", "Works at own pace, and takes breaks whenever and however I please; environments that weird-out about that sort of stuff are not conducive. "... "Consistently puts interesting healthy smoothies in people's hands"... "Sincerely, please drink a glass of water now. Thank you." |
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Building a home inside of yourself that is so strong, that anywhere you sit now is full of love and safety and reason to create and bless, you are home. So welcome home. And welcome home. And welcome home. |
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Come in.
Journal Entry |6 minutes ago
Love wants to be It wants to live like a being through me Grow like fast climbing vines that we can witness if we sit still and look
I think about you the perfect being you are the perfect love I hold for you always and feel my heart grow
any want desire or need sensation is but a seed attempting to blossom it isn't something you do or something you get It's just knocking on your doors asking to become you
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I'm sure there are plenty of natural subs and doms who are able to just partake in the free easy kink, I am unfortunately not one of them. I really don't care what my partner's kink is. If I'm able to imprint on him, his kink becomes mine. Because my kink is love and sacrifice. So it's the man that matters. My ability to fall for him, and his ability to get me and keep me. The few I have imprinted on so far in my life didn't know how, or want, to do that. So I'm still not sure what I'm looking for besides that. Lack of stupidity is at the top of the list, someone I could see myself living a fairly healthy lifestyle with, someone who really understands me, someone who wants me. And then, yah, kink. :) Because I've done the love and relationship thing with vanillas and know for sure that that stuff is totally not on the menue for me. I view my vanilla experiences as my experimental phase. The D/s experience I've yet to have, that stuff is my home, I already live there 24-7. |
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I am a love poem for you. My soul the tempo, my life the verse. |
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Helping those who don't already know see the difference between 'roleplay, physical surface aspects, strait up unhealthy narrow-minded abuse', and the simple reality of just living this energy in it's healthy natural way = not my job. My job is just to be me, and to allow connecting with those who already get it. |
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If you're telling people you're a dragon and making a study of fire breathing and sharpening your nails and saying 'rarr rarr' a lot and you proudly have 15 years experience in the dragon lifestyle and truly believe to the core of you that you are likely one of the best and most serious dragons out there, it's a role-play. Drop the entire game and land in your own hands alone in the dark. Maybe it'll turn out you really are a dragon and you just haven't met yourself yet. |
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I'm a shooting star beam in a human girl body I want to shoot off up up and away I love this earth and this girl so I stay |
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Compassion, softness, for self, and other, defuses the struggle. Compassion, softness. The aching soft spot that is real, don't let it be buried under a mask of anxiety or anger. That most vulnerable spot is our most powerful tool. |
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This huge fixation with training and obedience is missing the point... for me atleast... service comes from love, the kind of honor you feel when you genuinely admire and desire a person. Real subs, the ones who were born with this quality in them, it's already what they seek, to love and be loved by someone worthy of that kind of dedication, to be able to finally openly give that and have it be understood and accepted. It's not a thing to demand, a thing to role-play, it's not really a thing at all if it's stripped of everything that makes it real. |
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If you've ever seen the movie 'John Dies At The End', you know the part where they're in the basement and the cute girl turns into the meat monster and the one guy runs up the stairs to get out but when he goes to reach for the doorknob it turns into a big droopy cock and balls, and he turns back to the other guy saying, "Ahhh! That door can *not* be opened!" and the other guy vigorously nods back in agreement.
Well that's exactly my reaction to profile cock pics. |
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"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" "Sometimes." For he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, or bit by... bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or who have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby." "But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." ~The Velveteen Rabbit |
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Why are there all of a sudden a whole bunch of little girls claiming to be doms favoriting my profile? This is a bad sign. Why can't little girls work at coffee shops or get babysitting gigs. Why is bdsm becoming an industry. |
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If you're scowling in your profile pics I have to assume that you're either a bitter person or you're a role-player. Did someone tell you that bdsm isn't supposed to put a smile on your face? |
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vulnerable and strong
Journal Entry |6 days ago
Give way to you you are a deep breath across an ocean of emotion Cali you are fucking strong just to be here a strong sub and a strong girl to allow love, to allow vulnerability every time you are left and lost in the dark and holding your own heart and every time you get to bask in loves bright sunlight you are strong then too because it takes guts to stand up for love to admit to it to own up to it to set it free where it asks for freedom to steadily hold a candle inside for it when all else has gone dark
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can't
Journal Entry |about 17 hours ago
I can't commit to ambivalence can't place my self this whole beautiful amazing treasure of me into the hands of a confused child no matter how strong I think I am or how weak I want to be or how weak I am how strong I want to be I can't take my heart off the table once it's been placed can't take or claim control over where my love flows can't tell myself not to imprint when the animal in me already has imprinted no matter how strong I think I am or how weak I want to be or how weak I am how strong I want to be I can't make you want me the way I desire to be wanted can't make you love me the way I need to be loved and can't place in your responsibility my personal pain in the matter I can't make myself less vulnerable by reaching for anger can't make myself heal from this by reaching for false positivity can't bring you to me or send you away from me no matter how strong I think I am or how weak I want to be or how weak I am how strong I want to be I can't pin my personal state of confusion/distress or my personal state of romantic-love/bliss on our situation I can't let fear or sorrow be my guiding force I can't go to sleep to forget the potential growth I now hold in my own hands I can't sit still or make it through any moment without holding myself and holding myself accountable
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angel
Journal Entry | 2 Love It | about 1 hour ago
Is it ok that I worship you? Is it ok that I see/feel some parts of you that you don't see Is it ok that there exist moments where we touch souls for no reason other then some souls simply need to touch? Is it weird that I know you Will it ever make sense that at times you don't even feel human to me That the energy that radiates from you to me at times in the simplest of moments like sleeping translates as God or Angel or Bliss or time, not human
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kitty
Journal Entry | 9 minutes ago
God, you fuckin kill me really I get it that you didn't ask for me but I showed up It took me a while to get here but I have found my knees and you won't even allow me to beg
so here are my knees without purpose
and now I have seen and smelled you from every angle and I know you like dog knows master you do not know I am your puppy, and you my cat but this is how cats roll, I know they're fickle they run hot and cold
Yep that's right I have found you out You are a kitty, plain as day a teasing self-pleasing scratching biting cat at that Of course you dub thee "Owner" Cats think they own everything without consideration or wonder for the whys and hows they now own what they see
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Journal Entry | less than a minute ago
Is it a game to you my darling boy dark angel and my savior who picked me up when I was broken who took me in and nursed me back to sanity with your teeth and then took your teeth away leaving me half made a confused neat little pile of me picked up and put away and just... standing here with my heart in my hand please don't tell me good girl unless you really mean it those words are like I love you to me and when you mean it, you sound like a God and when you use it loosely this becomes a game and you, a child again lost and sweet and trapped inside yourself where you won't let anyone in though you wish you could I love you let it be known, I do I fell in deep and it won't release me you sexy preoccupied brat |
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Journal Entry | less than a minute ago
I live by your good graces When you realize my beauty, I become beautiful When you desire me, I become useful and when you do not want me, my light goes out
I find myself wandering in the garden aimlessly Not remembering what it was that I was doing and this is not for my love of you My love of You remains just as intact all the while but it is a matter of placement
Please remember that I am this and when you do not want me, point me in a good direction not a dark closet or a dusty shelf send me to the sunlight send me to myself
send me singing and organizing and remembering your smile remembering your hand your skin and your dreams
If I am to be this creature if I am to be this free
please don't forget you loved me even if you only loved a moment of me
don't forget that love is not a trap but a freeing tool if I have touched you if I have changed you don't become confused with meaning just be a man and let it have been and let it be be a man so that I can be a child and a woman don't be afraid don't be greedy love is not a thing to own or a thing to fear it is a thing to revel in and set free all at once and this is what makes love big and makes love live
and if I must be in the garden and learn to dance alone then I will for I am stronger then I know and I will forgive you and take you with me
I will take you with me in my steps and in my eyes |
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Journal Entry |less than a minute ago
When you are in process of letting go of everything with clear eyes and open heart and all you have left to hold is the doll that you are you hold her with all your might a gentle smile is no small thing in the middle of a dark night a little bit of sunshine through a dusty window is enough to sprout wings and take flight alone in the dark you are the one who got up and turned on the light |
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<3
Journal Entry |about 13 hours ago
I wish you could hear the song that my heart is listening to right now Ah well, maybe you can...... I feel like I was hurt and then I was sleeping and then jolted up and since then I've clung for dear life moment to moment setting and following paths the future me would perhaps come to embody and enjoy ...Just now I am stretching and it's not like any stretch I felt before.....
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Journal Entry |less than a minute ago
Yesterday while power walk-dancing under the stars I felt this blast of euphoric energy rush through me and for one second I caught a glimpse down every rabbit hole of everything I have ever been, could have been, can become... ...Possibility, hope is necessary for existence, without it we are just quickly on our way to dieing... We are writing our own stories, every phase, every ending the beginning of a new chapter... I am picking up my pen, and licking my lips... |
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i used to think i was a broken toy
until i realized that i had never been used
and the first part of my life which had broken me
had been what i'd needed to make me the toy
worth playing with at last |
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Age: 32 |
Melbourne,
Australia |
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