I keep thinking about how I can't wait to start my life. And then I think how stupid it is to "want to start my life". I just want to move on to the next chapter so badly. I see everyone else growing up and doing different things and I feel like I am stuck doing the same things. Even though they are great things, I want to turn the page so bad. But I must be patient. It will come :)

I'd give anything in the world to take away how you feel. I know I am better equipped to handle those terrible memories that haunt your dreams at night... that continue to ruin your plans for the future... continue to drive you closer and closer into drugs and a life filled with misery and hatred. I wish I could have shielded you from ever seeing that. You weren't strong enough. And you are weaker years later than you were then at 18 years old. You deserved to have a life mapped out by your amazing talents.  Not a life mapped out by pain and a memory you will never be able to erase. It has killed your spirit. It has come close more times than I knew until now, to killing you.

Father, Even years later, you continue to ruin lives and leave your mark. Fuck you for what you did.

I guess in a way, we both worship the ground each other walks on... In our own ways. I realized this as the events of this past week have begun to unfold. I told you that I was ready to take our relationship to the next step.. something we had both been playing very safe with until the perfect time.. and it happened. The perfect timing for the perfect step to our future as one. It couldn't have been an easier transition. I am absolutely elated about it. And last night when I asked you a question, you say "whatever you want baby". It got me thinking that in my past, I have always put others before me.. I even put you before me and now I see you put me before you. It isn't always about what I want. And its important that you know that. Your happiness is equally as important to me as my own. I never want you to do something you don't enjoy doing. And like I said, I am happy with you even when we are doing nothing but watching tv together, I still feel so satisfied that it can't be taken away.  I feel like you have taught me so much and I have grown so much and on your behalf, its not intentional. Its just a natural step it seems I was avoiding.  but I am ready for whatever the future holds for us. Bring it on.

    I think its safe now for me to let my guard down. I have spent 6 months knowing you so intimately and I haven't found anything that makes me not want you. I fall more for you every day and every day I am reminded of how lucky I am to have you. It makes me think of the dream I had the other night about our first kiss and it got me thinking about myself and how everything fell together.  I am generally a straight to the point kind of girl. I don't like to beat around the bush because I feel it generally doesn't yield results I am looking for or it creates confusion and misunderstanding. I remember telling my friend that I thought I liked you.. then it came to the point where I felt that you also had an attraction to me and I had to tell you. Remember me telling you that I didn't expect anything to ever come of it but I had to tell you how I felt about you? I have been reflecting on that a lot these past few days. You telling me you also thought a lot about me and you liked me as well... I honestly expected nothing from you. Not for you to reciprocate verbally what I felt, Not for you to spend a single moment with me. Not for you to treat me like the I was the most beautiful woman ever. I expected nothing from you. I still expect nothing from you except you to appreciate me and respect me as a person. The fact that you adore me and we have what we have is just icing on the cake. 

    I love you for so many reasons that have nothing to do with the car you drive or the money you make. Its the little things. I know that you came from a very superficial relationship. One where you both knew you were unhappy but only one of you would admit it... and I know that we may not have what you two had, but what we do have is beyond comprehension for some people who only care about material objects and fake tanning.

    I spent all this time ripping apart every word you said, every situation you were in, because someone else made me feel I forever had to do that... because he put me in a position where I had to do that to him. Its hard trusting people, but sometimes you have to take a deep breath and make a leap of faith. I will never make you pay for what he did to me. I will not be insecure when there is nothing to feel insecure about.

    If everything were to fall apart tomorrow, I wouldn't regret a single thing that happened. I have a found happiness and companionship beyond what I have ever experienced. If everything were to fall apart tomorrow, I would let you go without a single argument because you deserve the best and if you felt I wasn't the best, then I wont try to change your mind (even though I know I am the best ;) ) If everything were to fall apart tomorrow I would know that you have finally freed me from my last fault. I am closer now then ever to who I have always wanted to be.

fixing for another transition.

I am absolutely enamored with how you make me feel. complete. Like I have nothing to worry about with you. You are so uncomplicated. Simple. Straight to the point. You have all the answers I look for. You can do anything. You are just a man's man. Its what I love about you. That and a laundry list of other of your fine qualities.  Whenever I have doubt, you remove it, whenever I feel lost, you find me and help guide me and protect me. I used to think you were too good to be true. Guys like you only existed in chick flicks, yet here you are, right before me.  A huge blessing.

I can't decide if this is the time when I need patience or not... I have openly voiced how I feel in the entire process.... but now it seems that the time is coming to put my money where my mouth is.  What is right right decision. It seems that some people already have a suspicion about whats going on. And I know that my departure will only confirm what they already think... I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know if It should be a decision made now or down the road... if down the road, when? I thought that it was appropriate to let my close friends and family in on the situation. They have been nothing but supportive and I absolutely appreciate it. But he has said nothing... to anyone. I think it would be safe to tell those closest to you. People you know you could trust. But that hasn't happened... and then to get called a friend, talk about defeat. So, where to go now... decisions decisions. My friend says I need to think about the moves I am about to make. Either way, I will be fine. But it seems that everything needs to be calculated very carefully. This is something I am good at. So I could put it into planning phases.  I think the hardest thing for me is going to hear all the bull shit from everyone once all this comes out. Once we can be open about whats going on.. People are going to talk so much shit, and I can't wait to hear it.

It will be a long road ahead of me. Of Us. But I am finally able to let out a sigh of relief. Now to calculate the next move.

The hourglass has sat still for sometime. I sit and watch it. Contemplating the perfect time flip it over, to begin the countdown. I look intently at that hourglass, wondering how many grains of sand fall through that tiny stressful hole. How many grains of sand make up time.  And I know that as soon as I flip that hourglass, I will race to get done what I need to. Hoping everything is completed in that time. Hoping I don't have to make that unwanted decision about you. About Us. When I flip that hourglass, I know I will make decisions with haste, decisions that aren't entirely thought through, but I know I have been thinking about my move for sometime now. I know that I will cut right to the chase. I will throw caution to the wind and hope that the end result is exactly what I have been working for.  Its funny how something as simple as a grain of sand can amount to time. falling careless through the air. Something so simple tied to something so complex. Time. I fucking hate the concept of time.

So I will flip the hourglass... with an unnerving knot in my stomach, I will watch it intently until that very last grain of sand falls to the other side and I will hope for the best.

It seems like you exist only in my dreams sometimes. I see you. I smell you. I feel you. I know you are there and yet there is a distinct line between how I see it and how it really is. You exist as you are to me and a handful of my closest friends. I exist as I am to you, and only you.  I am a secret. You are a secret. Tonight was a startling reminder that you I only exist to you. And now, as much as I crave everything about you, there is one thing I could do without. The pain of realizing I am a stranger in my own relationship. Which allows for her to come and go freely without a care in the world. Because even though you aren't together, she knows nothing of me. She just has suspicions of you seeing someone else.

This is the first time I had a doubt. The first time I felt that I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I shouldn't do this.  However, maybe shedding a few tears about that kick in my stomach might make everything all better. Who knows. Im tired of trying to figure things out today.

No matter how I look at the situation, I can't quite understand what is really going on here. Is it me? It has to be. It has to be that we have known eachother half our lives and maybe she now thinks something is going to happen. Like you cheating. With me? Not a chance. With brit? Only if you have enough self control. I guess what I am trying to say is that I hope you don't. I know this person makes you happy but my EXTREMELY platonic relationship with you is now classified as inappropriate. And I only hear about it via word of mouth. Funny, you are no where to be found to get your stance on the whole thing. Hmmmm. Frustrates me. Maybe that its a new relationship between you and her. You need to build trust.. but honestly, you lied to me. Our weekly dinner, the 3 of us now has become a weekly dinner with 2 of us. You said that you hurt yourself and you couldn't drive but really it comes down to you not being man enough to say what really was going on. 

I really want to know why I am considered part of an inappropriate relationship. Id like your knowledge of something I apparently don't know about. That would be fantastic. But, when it comes down to it, Its probably better I don't know because what you say isn't going to change the road we have just turned onto.

we are always learning new things about ourselves. Change is constant. It will forever happen. Its something I have never liked. Never came to terms with. And I guess in a way, I still haven't. I have just learned to make transitions easier on myself. New people, places, and things happening and coming and going. It gets a little easier every time. I am learning a lot this year about patience. It turns out, Its a lot more important than I had ever thought. Patience creates strong bonds. When you can be patient for your partner. When you can be patient for their priorities. For their faults, and short comings. Patience is everything to make something go right.

I am learning every day a new level of patience. It means so much to me to be patient for this person. Because they are definitely worth it.

Do I really not care? I don't think I do. After that little stunt, who would want to care. I might as well have been nailed to the cross! But I think it was more my mistaking a something for a friendship. Perhaps it never will be. Well, who cares now. Not I.

Well, valentines day was an absolute surprise from Mr.  I didn't expect him to get me anything and when I saw flowers and chocolates and tickets to one of my favorite bands, I could have cried but I tried to keep it in.  so things have been going very well and we have a double date with a coworker and her husband on thursday.  Should be interesting. :)

"things will happen.. Just not always on your terms" Such a true statement from a good friend. I am cursing my impatience for even the smallest of things right now.And honestly, I am not even sure what I am waiting for.. All day, I have been in such a sour mood. I am angry. I am anxious.. I feel like its going to be a carrie moment for me. when she gets pigs blood dumped on her at prom. I feel it coming, like an old woman who knows when her knees hurt, its going to rain. There is nothing I can do but wait for it to come. I have no clue as to what will be happening...from who...or what, but I know its coming. I also feel so caught up in things that aren't a guarantee. I like things that I know will happen. I like to anticipate and by god, I fucking hate waiting for shit!!! I don't even know what the fuck I am waiting for... Just waiting and apparently life is passing me by as I do so. Fuck it.

I am not really sure how I was supposed to react to the situation. The moment I saw him enter the room, I immediately decided to find something else to do. I never want to avoid him but seeing his arms wrapped around a 2 year old struck a nerve with me. Fear. Something I don't normally feel and I left the room.  Perhaps it really is just making mountains out of mole hills but how was I supposed to react. Really when it comes down to it, I am comfortable with my nephews. I know them. I know how they work and I realize that I am dating a man who has a child. But being caught off guard like that made me very nervous. I can't even sort out my feelings... He already provokes thoughts in me that I have never thought I would ever agree to.... so this... Its not like he was saying "hey here is my kid. watch him for me" or "hey, this is daddy's girlfriend" but I just felt very much put on the spot in the situation. But, I can't quite put my finger on why.... Maybe its because knowing he is a father shows a different side to him. Softer... then I get to know his as a man... outside of work... he is so affectionate, thoughtful, sweet, loving.... all these things I never would have dreamed he would possess, and it has been amazing to get to know that person. Maybe its just that in some odd way, it felt like taking our relationship a step farther. But then again, could just be nothing.

Well, I received an email tonight from the submissive of a former Master of mine. I am not really quite sure what to make of it, but it wreaked of insecurities and anger. I kinda felt sorry for this full grown woman, A mother, a distinguished member of her community, to see her stooping so low in this email.  I couldn't gather really what the point of the email was but she had made a very bold attempt to make me feel like garbage for some odd reason. And I knew that this was some sort of game. Like, to push me over the edge, to try to get a reaction from me. I made a good attempt to not allow her to get a strong reaction from me except to tell her that I felt her email and her attitude were disgusting. It was almost as if... she had a mind of her own.  But I know that his former Master likes to make people suffer. And I hate to say it, But I am not really the suffering type.

I believe I am in the midst of a month long epiphany where I realize that I have deliberately placed myself in a separate catagory of people. No clue why. I feel like I will never find real love, never get married, never have a family, never be happy. Its kind of a shitty feeling but to be honest, I kinda feel happy that way. I know I can rely on myself. I will make sure I get done what I need to do for me. And this past couple weeks, I have been making the most extreme effort to let someone in. More than I ever have. I am generally a very open person. But I have always very honest, while keeping people at arms length. I feel like there are certain things I need to make me happy. I need my partner to be a responsible adult. That is very important. I need my partner to be mature. And rational because I hate fighting and about stupid stuff none the less. And I am finding all my wants in one person which has been such a relief. But now how do I allow myself to be open enough. I don't want that person to be kept at arms length. I want to be able to ask that person for anything and they would gladly help me. Perhaps its more of a pride thing than anything. I haven't quiet figured it all out. I knew at some point my independence would be what holds me back. I am determined to be less pridefully independent and try to let this person in my life to the extent that apparently we both want to be in each others lives.

sometimes I find myself in these moods that make me feel uncomfortable. Like having kids. In my mind, if I wanted to have kids, I am already too late. Then a rational part kicks in, the one I have known forever, that part of me that has always felt pregnancy was disgusting and unnatural... Then I have friends who are making menial decisions based on "if the kids will be easy to get in and out of the car" and I am not sure if it annoys me because its dumb or maybe subconsciously I want that for myself.  I just want to be happy... and I find a lot of happiness in my life but I don't know what real happiness is.. I don't think I have ever allowed it. I just allow.....deep satisfaction in things. I don't want to savor anything because its hardly around forever. I guess I want a combination of things that I hate having to wait for. I hate having all these emotions. its annoying and I think, why am I scared of having a relationship? Why am I scared to feel what I feel? Because I don't know what to do with them but push them aside because they don't feel normal to me.

Well normal just took a new meaning.

Its kinda funny how something so platonic turned into something so intimate. My interest in him came on slowly and when I set my eyes on the prize, I knew he would be mine. With fury, I went for what I wanted. Just like acquiring land, he became mine. As time passed, he became less of a challenge to actually make him mine and more to discover that he was actually this amazing guy. He had so much to say and was actually pretty sweet aside of how I had ever known him. I discovered that there was so much more to him. and he brings out stuff in me I never knew before. And as we merge together, there is more to us.  What I lacked in one, I find in him. And on top of that, all the things I had liked with the past, the present has and will have to provide me with hopefully an amazing future.

I can't remember the exact moment when things fell apart for us. It was somewhere between my not giving a shit anymore and his living off his mother.  We had always said that when we fought, it would be world ending... And I ended the world for him. I was supposed to be his soul mate he said. But was he supposed to be mine? I had one flash where I couldn't see my life with him anymore. He had become a stranger to me in what seemed like seconds and when i took the step to tell him that, I saw his whole world shatter right before me.  And I did nothing to try and pick up the pieces. Just as I had intended to do. He tells me that I am a selfish whore. I want to fuck other people and that is why I needed time alone. My reason: because I needed to think If the person who is shoving me to talk about "planning our future together" was actually the person I wanted to plan my future with. But all I could think about is how I had spent the last 8 months basically paying his way.. and I would see my indefinite future no different. He tells me that I fucked him over and how if I decided to come back, provided I haven't fucked anyone else, he promises he wont "oppress" me. But what I can't help but think is how contradictory that sounds.  I think that it might be in a female instinct to want a man. Not a child who lives off his mother and refuses to multi task and refuses to get a real job to pay his way. But a man. One who knows how to balance work and home life. One who actually knows that he needs to work if he wants to maintain the things he has... and that is what I want more than I want to be a fucking oppressed piggy bank the rest of my fucking life.

So here I am... trying to get back my measly $20 bucks I loaned him for a haircut and give him back his shit he "worked so hard for" and I am pissed off. But I realize, I am not mad at him anymore. I am mad at myself for allowing myself to be talked into something I didn't quite agree with from the beginning. Cold and heartless I come off.. but am I really?

You can't choose what stays and what fades away.

I am forever haunted by the things I cannot control.

I feel like somewhere along the line.... I made a wrong turn.

Everyday truly is a wonderful gift.. There is so much we take advantage of in our lives. So much we pass by and miss because we are so focused on ourselves or getting to our destination on time. 

Don't take anything for granted. Even the simple things in life like your alarm clock or hot water. Or your car starting. 

Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it
- Buddha

Took a long break from collarme.  I have returned with nothing too new to view. People from my past have moved on. Amazing people none the less. I am so thankful that they have found people who they have that special connection with.  Still great to think about all the good times. 

Nothing new for me. Back in Reno. Wishing I was in Washington. Perhaps soon.

It just seems like everyone this week went bat shit crazy. I want to hide!

Recently, I have this strange fascination with zip ties. The noise they make drives me crazy. Like the metal on metal sound of leather and metal cuffs.

I am sure we all have days when we miss how things used to be. This moment is one of those times when I miss how things used to be.

Blah blah blah blah..

So, I don't know if anyone has seen "a Serbian film" but It is fucked up. I saw it last year and then I did some research on it. After I got the movie and watched it a million times. Lol. I discovered the movie is supposed to represent the serbian people and how the government treated them.

So in one of my classes, we get to write a research paper on ethnic relations post world war 2 outside of the U.S. And I am sooo insanely obsessed in Serbia and its history. So naturally, I would write about it. And I am. And I found out some amazing stuff. :)

I love writing papers and doing research.

Damn.. Why is he so absolutely fucking sexy? 

:)

Just because you take one step into my life doesn't mean you know everything about me.

Just because you take one step into my life doesn't mean you own me.

I shouldn't agree to something I really don't agree with. Or for that matter, something I know will stir up uncomfortable feelings about you and the situation. I think I will just take this ring off tonight. And set it on my nightstand. And think.......

You want to know how it will be
Me and him OR you and me
You both stand there your long hair flowing
Eyes alive your mind still growing
Saying to me--"What can we do now that we both love you",
I love you two-- I don't really see
Why can't we go on as three
You are afraid--embarrassed too
No one has ever said such a thing to you
Your mother's ghost stands at your shoulder
Face like ice--a little bit colder
Saying to you--"you can not do that, it breaks
All the rules you learned in school"
I don't really see
Why can't we go on as three
We love each other--it's plain to see
There's just one answer that comes to me
--Sister--lovers--water brothers
And in time--maybe others
So you see--what we can do--is to try something new--
If you're crazy too--
I don't really see
Why can't we go on as three.

I love jefferson Airplane.

Is finding another submissive to share this wonderful relationship with Master that hard of a request? Come on ladies, take a chance. You won't regret it. I promise

People come into your life for a reason. You open yourself to love them. To embrace every part of them. To help them grow and become a better person. And you learn a lesson for every person you come in contact with. I love you. I am worried about you. Please let me know something.

I love doing my nails. What a way to spend my night.

something absolutely amazing just happened. I am still in shock.  What are the chances?!?

    What to write... I need to say something.... something.. But what? How can I put this feeling into words.  I am being broken down.. Slowly... methodologically.... intentionally.  I want to leave myself open to new experiences. BDSM or otherwise. I want to do many things in my life.. I want to live everyday to its fullest. Not that going through these motions isn't living life to its fullest because it is. Its liberating. Its emotional, its something only a small percentage people can understand. Something only a small amount of people can understand that the end result is better than the beginning. For all involved parties. 

    When I was in a vanilla relationship, I was very insecure. I have realized that from the first time we had an issue. I tried to be strong. For myself. For him. It didn't work. Then came my first experience with a Dom and who I was, had been completely shattered in a matter of hours and rebuilt to be a better me. Not for what he wanted. But for what I wanted. I took what I could from that experience and shaped the person I have always wanted to be. A person of action. A person who said what she wanted. Did what she wanted. A person of bluntness. A person of simple answers and minimal explanations.

Yes.

No.

    Simple answers. Yes? I think about this with a D/s relationship. I was told not to be afraid to say when I didn't like something. And although I was afraid to say I didn't like something, I felt that if I had always wanted a relationship of good communication (for a few days or otherwise), Now was the perfect opportunity to stand up for myself. To be honest with him. To be honest with myself.  He taught me basic things but things that happened to play a huge role in my transformation. My desires. My thoughts. My everything. And he probably didn't even know it.  I still think of it. I can still tell every word, smell, sound, and sight that happened during those meetings. I suppose its something I will never forget.

    And here I am now. Questioning who I am. Questioning this double life that never seemed to bother me until now. Questioning how I can live this double life like I am. How can I remain this strong person and be an obedient submissive.  All of these questions are running through my head, and more. I am feeling overwhelmed about tonight's experiences. Mixed feelings. Feelings I will have to think on. Transform into something that builds me into a stronger and better me.

Whoever I am.

Arguing with my ex today. He decided he wanted to completely detach himself from me when he decided last night that he was 100% coming to see me next month. when he decided he missed me. I have missed him a lot too. I guess its harder to deal with everything when I can't talk to someone face to face about the issue.

   When I moved up here.. things were fine. We talked everyday. Then he stopped calling..He started telling me "we are broken up" which was fine. and obvious but all of a sudden he was saying these things and decided he wasn't going to visit. All of these things, although hard to accept, I had no choice but to. He sees a few girls. whatever. I am trying to be a friend to him so he can move on. But maybe he doesn't need me to be his friend. But I don't think being a callous bitch will get anything solved either..

   So here I am... In a crossroad.  Of being completely detached from him because of something I wrote when I was angry. Which I have to accept. My father always said, don't put anything in writing that may come back to bite you in the ass later. It is true but I will deal with it.  The topic of compromise is brought up.  What is compromise? I think its necessary in a relationship but doing more research people say if you have love, trust, and respect...compromise isn't really necessary... So I am curious... how do you feel about compromise?

Who Am I?

I find that making bullet points about myself helps me keep focused. Especially when I am dealing with a fucked up situation. I may be frazzled from it. I know that I certainly don't want to back track and be the person I was a month ago. That won't work. I decided today, I need a bulletin board in my room so I can post all these things about myself. A constant reminder of what I am. What I am sure of. No straying from who I am. No straying from what I want. That is who I am.

so. I came out to my grandmother about my being into BDSM. She finally worked up the nerve to come out and ask why I was with an older man (Him) at a nice restaurant. I guess I didn't really need to tell her but I felt it would answer a lot of things she had been questioning about me.  So I told her. And her response was "I can't keep a straight face right now." and then somewhere a long the lines it turned into anger and fear and she continuously warned me of the dangers (as If I don't know) and said she was worried she would find me in a ditch someday.  My grandmother and I have been really close my whole life. I come to her about a lot of things. So this wasn't all that bad. But it cleared the air on a lot of things for her and I. Which was good. 

   Also, I am trying to educate a close friend on BDSM. There are now a few close friends that I have opened up to about my liking of it and they are curious. So I educate them on what I can. If anyone wants to recommend any good websites for them, please let me know. :) As I read all this stuff it totally throws me back into where I was a month ago. Completely in love with a feeling. I can't wait til I am back there. 

    Other than all that, school is going well. Settling in is going well. Joined the geology club on campus to get involved with something and meet new people so that is going well. Ummm. I guess that is all. :)

Had a very interesting encounter tonight at a bar with a friend... Men. Men who want to come across as a know it all or trying to be dominant in some way or another. They think they know it all.  It really brought to my eyes what it was to have a different point of view on life.  These men think its cute to tie someone up.. but loosely.. so they can escape..And in my head I am wondering ( a dominant part of me) "why would you want them to escape? Going through all that trouble to tie them up and you want them to get loose?" Doesn't make any sense to me. In my eyes its childs play. What you would assume to be "hardcore". Tire her up (so she can free herself if she wanted or to flirt) and fuck the shit out of her. Reward for reward.  Nothing more than instant gratification. Nothing long lasting. No marks to embrace the next day. No real connection.

Feed you lines boys. I play a better game.

Things are constantly changing. Adapt or die.. Adapt or die.

People coming going. Love, falling in and falling out. Friendships made, broken, mended and the pattern repeats.

How can I find myself in all this mess.

Adapt or die....

I feel so lost today.

   I slept in til 9:30. Had a bad night. Nothing I didn't cause myself. Disappointed the only person I never want to. Now I don't know if he will ever talk to me again. I feel so homesick on top of all this. No friends here. Just homework... and looking for a job to occupy my time. As much as everyone wants me to succeed, I just want to give it all up and go home.  Problem is, there is nothing for me there either.  I made this whole decision to move to another state and leave everything behind which i still don't regret. I just wish I had my friends here I guess. People I could be close with. I am super mature for my age and being here is like being...well, In college. And I am. I am living with a bunch of immature college kids. Parties, drinking, acting stupid.

    I can't help but want to return home so things will stay the way they have always been. So people wont forget about me. So they won't leave me. Even my ex. What a joke.  I shouldn't care but here, I have no one to love me. I know 2 people. I came up here with the thought that I didn't really want to know anyone because it might side track me from the task at hand. And I wouldn't mind knowing people if everyone here wasn't a total piece of shit asshole. Just how I feel. People here are mean. The only people with any manners are people over like 50. And sadly, I can't spend my whole evenings hanging out at the old folks home. Well.. I am sure I can. I am sure they might know a thing or two about math or theater. 

    I guess I will figure it all out in due time. I guess in the mean time I shall try to make my bruises darker. If not for Him then for myself.

So, Since the departure of this other person... I am not sure what to call him. Obviously I don't want to put him on blast so I will refer to him as Him/He. So Since He left, I am really feeling at a crossroad. We text pretty much everyday to say hello and we have a short conversation. I miss Him. A lot.  A complete stranger. How can you miss a stranger? I probably shouldn't think twice about it. But since I am an emotional person, He really touched my heart and soul.  I felt the most amazing connection with Him and I just wish I could have that forever.  But none the less, I have been trying to branch out and meet other people in the lifestyle and explore more. Not with physical things at this point but with intellectual things and conversation. But It seems that most people I meet (mainly on ), literally look like rapists. Like someone who will seriously hurt me. It is rather intimidating. I just wish there was that one man out there who Looked just like Him. Just an everyday normal guy with good things going for him and a darker but amazing side to him and an understanding in things you would never suspect through normal conversation. 

     Maybe my solution would be to stop replying to all messages and only to persons older than in their early/mid 20's.

I really wish I could be in His arms. In his embrace. Under his control.

*sigh*

Longing...............

I thought I felt your shape but I was wrong
Really all I felt was falsely strong
I held on tight and closed my eyes
It was dumb I had no sense of your size

It was dumb to hold so tight
But last night
On the birthday in the kitchen
My grip was loose my eyes were open

I felt your shape and heard you breathing
I felt the rise and fall of your chest
I felt your fall
Your winter snows
Your gusty blow
Your lava flow
I felt it all
Your starry night
Your lack of light
With limp arms I can feel most of you

I hung around your neck independently
And my loss was overwhelmed
By this new depth I dont think I ever felt 

But I dont know

The nights are cold
And I remember warmth
I could have sworn I wasnt alone

Lyrics from the microphones song I felt your shape

My heart is longing for you. For a real "goodbye".

     So.. Today I feel very alone. Left in a world where I feel like no one understands me but him. And now he is gone. Back to his life. And I back to mine.  However short or brief, I am forever changed from this past week. I still have a million emotions running through my head and every time I think of our meetings I get butterflies and can't help but wish that it would never have ended.  Not because it was erotic or sensual... but the intellectual aspect. The comfort of feeling safe, wanted... appreciated.... understood.  

    There are a lot of things I wish I knew more about him. I feel like I have known him my whole life knowing just the basics about him. Idle chit chat never seemed appropriate and now I am left wondering why I feel the way about him as I do. Because He satisfied a hunger in me? Because he taught me something new? Took me to new heights? Filled a void in my soul?  In my head I fantasize about a relationship similar to James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Secretary.

    Every time I close my eyes I see him. Staring intently into my eyes. But I am not afraid. I know I am safe.    Every time I see my body in the mirror I am reminded of those meetings. And I am proud.  I am not really sure what to make of all these feelings. What happens next?  I have been thinking a lot about him today and how he feels. The non trusting person in me wants to always assume the worst with everything but in this situation I can't say that. I can't say he will never speak to me again. I can't say he didn't appreciate me or our encounter. I can't say anything really. Because I know it would all be a lie.

    I love the possessiveness and control of the situation. And I guess that is what I crave. However I am forever a different person just given the experience.  I didn't think I would have a bout of personal growth from this experience. I have had these past few days to completely reevaluate everything in my life and from that I am fully confident that I am on the right track in my life.  I no longer feel needy and weak. I know that I can stand on my own and even if I never had an experience like this again, I know I will be okay on my own.

    He gave me something to be proud of. I will forever remember him and only wished that I could have thanked him face to face for this amazing gift he has given me. I forever will wear the emotional whips of his leather belt and hand. I am forever embedded with his embrace and kiss'.  And As of today, I will wear the scars of this encounter proudly for the rest of my life.

So heading out tonight for one of my last, if not the last, party night before I leave for Washington on Tuesday. Hoping to get in some time with a certain someone before I meet up with my friends. I am getting so nervous and very excited as the time draws closer. I am wondering what will happen tonight but I know that either way I will be so proud to wear my marks under my clothes. Knowing that no one else knows what's there and what went on. I love that feeling. I have been craving the feeling or maybe its the whole dynamic, since I last saw him. Just the feeling of being wanted. And pleasing enough to where It was recognized. I feel like a total noob when It comes to this whole situation. Experiencing things I never have before in a situation I have never been in with a person I probably would have never met otherwise. 

    come to think of it, I thought I knew a lot more than I actually did. I grasp a lot of the concepts without even having any physical part at all. It just seems pretty cut and dry and me. But I have never had the emotional release that I had that night, ever. I knew I liked certain things and that was about it but to feel such emotion like that was just amazing and unreal. I almost felt beside myself. 

    Anyways, I hope for the best tonight. And for those who keep asking, No, I wont be posting any pictures of results. thank you for reading though. :)

AND I shot my first gun today! Well, I shot 4 guns. And got attacked by red ants. Sweet.

Ok. so I hate to say this but damn it feels nice to have a real man interested in me! Especially someone who is interested in the lifestyle. Can't wait for wednesday.

Last night while I was out with my girlfriends, I was walking to meet up with my other friends and a man operating a rickshaw pulled up next to us at the light. Said something to us about needing a ride and such. He had a guy in his carriage. The guy was quiet and the man said for us to have a nice evening and rode off. We ended up running into him again a few minutes later and the man in the carriage had suggested we all get in and he would take us to where we were going. We told him we were going right across the street to brew brothers. and that was it

    Inside the bar, who do we run into but passanger of the rickshaw, and his name is paul. Paul and I had an instant connection. Come to find out he is a Sagittarius and he likes the cowboys which I absolutely called. I happened to be Paul's good luck charm for the night and found out we enjoyed a lot of the same stuff. Cuddling, kissing, hiking, things like that. He was absolutely amazing and such a breath of fresh air. He gave me his number and added me on facebook.

So to Paul, Even if I never hear from you again, thank you for making me forget about what I am leaving behind. Thank you for treating me to a really nice evening and asking nothing in return but a kiss and hug.

We have tried for 3 years to make something work that has become abuntly clear to me, was never ment to be. I have felt alone, and betrayed, cheated and lied to. All of which were valid feelings because you were lying, cheating and betraying me.

    When we took a break last time, I felt amazing. Granted I missed you. I missed everything about you and I hated that you talked to other girls but I was happy with myself. I was so confident and so independent. But you came and cried in my lap. Begging me to give you another shot. telling me that you didn't want anyone but me. you would do whatever it took to make it work..

   well we ended our 3 year relationship today. I am still sad but more than that, my gut told me something was wrong and given many opportunities you were given to be honest and trusting, you failed. You lied right to my face. And that hurts. It hurts that I tried so hard to make it work. I tried so hard to be what you wanted and to make everything perfect. but honestly, this again, is all your fault.  I will take responsibility for being pushy and wanting answers that you can't honestly give me....ever. and thats about it.

    Time to move on. I am glad that in January I started making plans to move to another state and this is the perfect time because its 2 weeks before I make a fresh start and I never have to see you again.

*sigh* Why is everyone getting engaged or married?

I feel slightly jealous.

Also, If you wanna see a "dom" turn into a whiny bitch in .02 seconds flat, find this guy

laforeastcoast@yahoo.com.

If you don't give him your cell number, he gets upset and calls you childish names. LOL

Sometimes I wish I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel pain when you lie to me. I couldn't feel hurt when you tell me bad news. I couldn't feel sadness knowing you knew the whole time and lied, or omitted it from the conversation.

I couldn't feel the uncomfortableness of knowing I still love you.

Empty wishes I guess.

I am done talking. Right now, Its not getting us anywhere.

You know, when I pick through people's profiles on this website, I see a lot of men who are "dominant".  I got to thinking today, how many of them are actually dominant. Is it an ego thing to say that you are? Because you are male, you are naturally dominant? I am sure it takes a lot of a man to admit he is a "sub".  It's probably a turn off to most women.  But the question really is..

Do you have what it takes to be a REAL dominant man?

Everywhere I turn is a constant reminder of the mess you left behind. Why the fuck are you still around?

U-swirl seems to make everything so much better. Yumm

You're too beautiful to be fucked.

You're too beautiful.