?I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don?t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don?t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed?by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.?

musings #8

pitter-patter, ponder, ponder, ponder, patter-pitter

it seems like each time i put a new journal entry up, i have exponentially more emails/advice to sort through.again, sorry it is taking so long to get back to you!i really, really love your input so thanks and sit tight, i will respond!!!

This edition of musings will include 2-3 distinct topics that have been rolling around in my head over the past few days.  I must relieve my mind of these thoughts so I can focus on more important things over the coming weeks! Enter: CM journal!

A good friend of mine (a curious 'nilla) recently visited and was enquiring about the lifestyle.  Now, I am not an expert, but I shared with him what knowledge I have attained over the last few years.  He was particularly interested in the distinction between "master" and "dom" (and of course their counterparts, "sub" and "slave").  I stumbled a bit during my explanation, mostly because I had never given the topic much prior thought.  I have always known that I want a dom and not a master but after my friend left, I couldn't help but continue to ponder the topic and what exactly it is that I seek from a dom. 

Most of the authors of one(or up to 5)-liners I receive (both here and on other sites), tend to be masters.  I have always been a bit repulsed by their direct, insensitive approach. It has also crossed my mind that only very insecure, damaged women would respond (I know that was judgemental, sorry, that is how I feel).  Being on the submissive half of the spectrum (at least with men), I don't think most doms/masters understand what an honor it is to be trusted and allowed to someone's mind and body to the extent that subs/slaves  grant.  To these men, I urge, think of the childhood lesson of "putting yourself in someone else's shoes."  Most doms and esp. masters that I have encountered would crumble if the roles were reversed.  Also, why is it that the majority of these men think that subs are worthless beings?  Where in the definition of "submissive" does it say "inferior sentient being?"  Did I not get the memo? I understand that in terms of "rank" a sub will fall below a dom and thus kink ensues but that doesn't make the sub a lesser human.  Honestly, I would say roughly 2-3% of the doms I interact with truly understand the value of a sub and the meaning of respect.  Isn't that unsettling?  Food for thought...

Quick shout-out: A "special man" I am talking to holds the title of the most respectful dom I have ever conversed with.  He is so gentle, patient, considerate, and kind.  Well, that gentle part might be up for debate...but in a good way!  What most doms would have berated me for 5-10 times over by this point, he has not once complained about.  This is not to say that he isn't firm and hasn't made it clear that ultimately these quirks of mine will have no place in um..sessions or that they won't eventually be ignored. (Made esp. clear yesterday).  Siiiiigh, I have the biggest crush on him.  =D

And bringing it back...as a sub, I have a very specific way I would like to be treated by my dom (if I ever have one again).  I would like to be treated as a "cherished plaything."  This is a terrible analogy, but I am reminded of my relationships to my tennis racquets.  Sorry, this is the easiest comparison I can think of, mostly because I used to eat, sleep, and breath tennis (at one point in time I was seriously considering a professional tennis career, so I promise, I know what I'm talking about with this one)!  I have two racquets that I adore (one slightly more than the other) and all other racquets I own are there just in case.  I don't let anyone touch my favorite racquet (except my dad, very rarely, and only because he is the one who paid for it..lol) because it is mine and mine only.  No one else would even begin to know how to properly handle it.  If a string breaks, no one but me knows actually how many lbs of tension it requires or how to make its sweet spot sing.  This racquet has never been thrown or smashed against anything in a fit of anger/poor sportsmanship (though it has been accidentally dropped a few times).  I take care of it and make sure it is always looking its best (whether this means adorning it with the coolest shock absorber or a pink overgrip).  It is even stored within a specific temperature range.  Sometimes I take it out just to admire it (this is creepy, and I acknowledge the creep factor in this...but hey! It's what I do)!No one knows what it requires to peform its best and how well it assists me in winning a match.  I am very overprotective of it.  

Sooo...how does this relate to my submissiveness?  I yearn for the intimacy that comes from a relationship with a bf/dom; that person knowing just exactly what my mind and body desire and how to make them sing!  I do not want to be taken for granted or passed around a group of men simply because I am his sub and he can do that.  I want to provide him with endless joy and for him to always appreciate it.  I can take care of myself, but I would still like the peace of mind that he always has my back and will motivate me to be the best.  I want this motivation to be mutual.  I want to play a role in his success in life, and for him to play a role in mine.  I want him to play with me as he desires, whenever and however he desires, and push me to and beyond my limits without breaking my spirit.  I want him to always cherish and admire me and to always want to play! 

Agh! There is another topic that I have left to discuss! Unfortunately, due to time constraints, I will have to leave that for another day =(     

Thanks for reading & send me your thoughts!

~~~~<3

musings #7

exhilaration-> frustrated, exhausted, self-doubting.... 

alternate title: high time for a new musing (take your pick)

first off:

THANK YOU to everyone who has been reading and offering insight on my journal entries! I appreciate it and it really encourages me to continue sharing my experiences and thoughts on love and the lifestyle!  I read your emails and due to the number of messages in my inbox, may not immediately get around to responding.  I promise, in due time, I will respond to your message (as long as it isn't a one-liner) with equal effort that was presented in yours!

next order of business:

I've received both support and criticism regarding previous journal entries.  To my supporters, "HIGH FIVE!" To my critics, let me see if I can clarify, or at least defend myself to you and others who may be thinking the same thing. 

A common criticism I receive is how do I know I am a sub, that I don't truly desire a dom, or other things along the lines of doubting my submissive.  The short response to this is, "Why does a fish prefer water to air?"  They simply know.  I too, simply know.  Of course, though my submissive has always been a part of me, unlike fish, I was not born into a body of water and so naturally I had to work to find and label my metaphorical body of water.  This search consisted of countless hours, days, and years of reflection and research and ultimately, the discovery that there is a pond for me!  If this is an unsatisfactory explanation, I apologize and if you send me a message with a more specific question, I will gladly respond!

Another criticism I have received a few times is that, essentially, I need to tone down my passion and because have not done so in the past, my getting hurt is my own fault.  My passion in/for life is my greatest strength (and sometimes an unfortunate weakness).  Regardless, I will not subdue my passion to control for the occasional pain or unintended outcome.   To me, a life without passion is a life not worth living.  I have found that, due to the risks I take and my tendency to only give 110% or nothing at all, when the outcome is positive, the feeling of ecstasy that results is unparalleled.  If this is the risk that needs to be taken to reproduce said feeling, I have resolved to and am willing to subject myself to the occasional heartbreak or failure.  My passion not only exists within my love/sex life, but extends to every area/relationship within my life.  To those of you who have an issue with this take on life, I urge you to let go, just once, and take a risk.  Follow the old Irish proverb, "love like you have never been hurt."  You can thank me later.

New Developments:

Maybe lightning does strike the same place twice?  And maybe, just maybe, the problem is me.  Maybe, instead of allowing the electricity to flow through me, I am some rubber-stopper or excessive nonconductor of sorts (unintentionally, of course).  

As I have mentioned in previous entries, I have been so blessed in this life.  However, just like everyone else, I have had to overcome a number of challenges/tests in my 25 years.  I have defeated most of them, and am incredibly proud of myself for doing so, as well as for where I am in life and for the decisions I have made.  This pride can come off as confidence or borderline cockiness/arrogance depending on how you look at it.  Sometimes, it might even come off as abrasiveness.  In overcoming many of the aforementioned challenges, I have established within myself a "can do anything, ever" attitude.  I have also established a somewhat brazen sense of independence.  (Sidebar: perhaps this is why some people think I'm better suited as a domme?")

A friend (or a man who may or may not still want to date me, you'll have to ask him...) once referred to me as a kitten who brings her claws out when she feels threatened.  As much as I love kittens, (I want to grow up to be Catwoman from Batman ;-) but that is a discussion for another day...lol!) I had a distaste for his reference to me as a kitten in the given context because I took it to mean that he viewed me as being weak and needy.  

Well, to embrace and expand on the kitten analogy, anyone who has ever owned a kitten knows that sometimes they claw at things unknowingly because they are just learning how to use their claws, often times, inadvertently hurting their owners (I'm still talking about the animals, Doms/Dommes, keep your minds out of the gutter!) as they are unaware of their capability to cause harm to another.  Sometimes kittens accidentally scratch someone when they are playing.  Hell, sometimes adult cats do the same!  

My new-found sense of independence and confidence can be likened to a kitten's claws.  This is not to say I was not confident before, but there is something to be said for overcoming some of the things that I have, and developing this unshakable attitude I have now.  Ah yes, the new blessing and curse.  

Lightning Strike #2:

I have been fortunate to stumble across a new dom on this site (who I daresay is a better complement to me than the first)!  Every time I talk to him, I am floored by his brilliance, his logic, his compassion, his success, his advice, and well, his stunning good looks don't hurt either!  He has allowed me an opportunity to feel passion and excitement towards a male that I have not felt in a very long time (and very few times in my life).  Most surprisingly, he has made me realize that I am a kitten and occasionally need love, loving reinforcement, and the sheer presence of a strong male in my life.  He has drawn out a side of my femininity that has been hidden from the surface for quite some time now and the feeling that overcomes me when I'm talking to him is exhilarating. 

I think I have screwed up.  I'm not quite sure how...or if it is even my fault, but I think it is.  I think perhaps I was wrong to give so much unbridled passion from the get-go (but in my defense, I thought it was reciprocated).  Perhaps, I scratched him with my inexperienced claws (or well, impatience, aggressiveness, bluntness, arrogance).  Perhaps it was a combination of the two. 

Also, I find that he seems to be basing a lot of our potential off of his past experiences, which I find to be frustrating and don't quite know how to overcome.  In fact, I don't know if it is possible to overcome unless he decides to take a risk and give me a little room to blaze my own trail in his heart. 

Maybe my combination (or one or the other) shortcoming(/s) has been the reason for his pulling away and it has nothing to do with him.  Maybe this is what happened the first time.  I am exhausted.  It is so hard to keep putting my heart out there and have the ecstatic sentiment initially reciprocated then being left out to dry (but I'm not capable of doing otherwise).  I'm not quite sure how to fix it, I'm not quite sure what I did (except provide an avoidable distraction...but what is life without the fun distractions?).  All I know is that this time, I want to fix it and not let it just fall away.  I'm not sure if it is too late.  

As always, I appreciate your insight and thank you for reading!

~~~~~<3

musings #6

this will probably the most rambling-esque musing to date.  i think i'm just writing this to organize my thoughts or in hopes of someone reading this and offering some insight.  perhaps it was a rebel phase, but for much of the last 10 years, i have only dated men my family would never approve of.  perhaps it was my just testing of the waters...?  

growing up my parents used to always emphasize the importance of dating someone from a similar cultural and socioeconomic background to ensure success in any  romantic relationship.  i think after 10 years of failed relationships, i'm finally starting to recognize the significance of this advice (if u have read my previous musings you will find that this is consistent with my tendency to do the opposite of what i'm told).  

i recently started talking to a dom from here.  i was surprised to find that the advice of my parents actually held water.  it seemed like i had known him for at least a decade.  to add to our very similar upbringings, interests, and goals; he is a dom. i guess it was this remarkable combination that led to the initial euphoria and nearly maniacal progression of our relationship that ensued. we both seemed to lose touch with reality which was at the same time both terrifying and exhilarating.  at least for me.  perhaps for him too... but then he decided to touch down and in the process shot me down mid-flight.  pardon the "flying" metaphor, but it best describes the situation and my sentiments about it. i think he prepared himself for his landing, and tried to prepare me as well but was not successful in his warning.  so i here i sit, i think almost 1 month since this has all happened, still trying to organize my thoughts and pick myself back up.  

soooo turns out...my dream man still has feelings for his ex.  now, i consider myself to be quite a catch (and i'm aware that this sounds incredibly immodest, but i work really hard to maintain and pursue this level of "catch" and therefore feel entitled to declare it) but i've realized, that even if i were the perfect woman for him, i will never be able to replace the good memories he has with this other person.  so until i have the opportunity to make memories with him, i will always be number 2.  this has been both an enormous blow to my ego and incredibly devastating, emotionally.  even though i know in my heart that i am the perfect one for him, until he realizes it for himself...i'm just S.O.L.  so here is the question: do i wait for him? or seek another?

the second option, seeking another, yields its own set of issues.  i have rejected a few interested people (both vanilla and non) because i feel it is unfair to pursue something with someone else when i feel so strongly for the aforementioned dream man (which sucks, because this is exactly what he did to me).  secondly, the unique combination that made him so dreamy, including but not limited to overlap in cultural aspects, sexual (obviously), and what seemed to be a perfect complement to each others lives and personalities, i think is near impossible to find again.  lightning never strikes the same place twice, right? it seems i can find similar men outside the confines of bdsm...but this is not what i want.  either way now, i will be settling, either in my sexuality or outside of it.  but i am not two people, my soul combines my sexual desires and needs with those from all other aspects of my life.  the thought of the near impossible nature of finding a similar man is overwhelming and has been causing considerable stress and unhappiness in my life.  i think the solution is, unfortunately, that something will have to go.  and this something will be within the realm of my sexuality.  back to the vanilla world i go, leaving behind such an essential piece of my soul. 

i think i will continue checking my messages intermittently until i completely lose all hope, but if u have bothered to read thus far, i thank u and will tell u exactly what i'm looking for:

someone with a similar cultural background (my ethnicity: indian; my nationality: american; my religion: hinduism); comparable career goals; similar/overlapping life goals; similar interests both in the lifestyle and in life; athletic, strong, funny, open to commitment, loving, brilliant, good-looking, artistic, talented, social, patient, and someone who thinks i'm the greatest thing since sliced bread! ;)

as always, thank you for reading...i appreciate any insight you have to offer and i promise i will get back to you if u message me regarding my musings! 

~~~~<3

musings #3:

~~~p.e.r.p.l.e.x.i.o.n~~~

i am a princess.  i've tried to deny it for a few years (a sad phase in my life) and let others convince me out of it for a few more years (sad, yet again).  upon wayyyy too many hours of soul-searching...i've come to agree wholeheartedly: i am a princess.  i have been blessed with the life i've been allowed to live since birth.  until recently, i simply took it for granted.  i suppose when one matures, they start to see these things, huh?

i am a princess.  i'm spoiled.  not a spoiled brat (well, not anymore, at least).  i'm spoiled in every sense, be it materialistic, or in the sense of the far more valuable, intangible, unconditional love. 

i am a princess. i am a sub.  perhaps due to the princess upbringing, i have been allowed more opportunities of self-discovery and personal growth in my 24 years than I would have expected to be allowed in any one's regular lifetime.  oftentimes, the princess overshadows the sub.  this is not intended.  equally as often, doms i speak to question my submissiveness.  some politely, some not so much. 

i am a sub.  i swear.  my entire life, i've had issues with authority.  in a strange way, not the regular way. i think?  i was raised in a traditional, strict indian household.  the whole time i was a moody, unnecessarily difficult american female (especially as an adolescent).  simply put: i was a bitch.  a spoiled one at that.  i always thought i was right and everyone else was wrong.  i did not listen to anyone (my poor parents had a rough time with this one) and i did whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted, however i wanted.  throughout my lifetime, i've encountered...say...2 individuals who could get me to do their bidding...maybe 80-90% of the time ( i've known these 2 my whole life and this has always been the percentage...i might listen to someone for a couple months, max. then decide they don't quite have the authority thing down and aren't worth my time).  these 2 individuals are now down to 1.  i've noticed over time, that the method used by these 2 is/has been an odd mixture of sheer emotional strength, patience, nurturing, confidence, intelligence, maturity, wisdom, respect, and love.  i suppose it does not seem that odd, but it is truly a rare combination these days.  there seems to be a strange cycle in that, when i've listened to these 2, each time i obey a demand/request, the amount of respect and adoration i have for the person is dramatically magnified.  maybe this is because i've always known them to be looking out for my best interest and have entrusted them with my well-being? maybe it is because i've always admired them as individuals (it is very rare that i truly admire someone).  maybe it is because i have always craved discipline but will only receive it from the strongest of the strong?

i am a sub.  there is nothing that turns me on more than someone who can get me to call them "sir."  this is no easy task...too few have experienced it.  if u have doubts....just ask "dreamingdark" ...he should fill you in.  =)   in fact, he is the only person who has succeeded in this over 3 times.  ever.  <3      

bringing it back....nothing turns me on more.  i'm always so bewildered and oddly enraptured when someone actually gets me to do something.  the feeling is my drug, my ecstasy, my essence. 

i am a princess.  i am a sub.  in a few years...i hope to be a queen to a well-deserving king....and always a sub to his dominance. 

thanks for reading!!!!

~~~~~~~<3

musings #2:

i really like the word "musings."  i wonder if anyone will ever read these?  if you do, i would appreciate any insight you have....

musings #1: 

the dom/bf relationship boggles my mind.  i've been quite content being single over the the last year or so.  perhaps i find the whole idea of it all so confusing because i have experienced this only one time.  and it was an epic fail.  i've had bfs b4.  i've experimented with doms b4.  but i've only ever had one dom/bf. again, epic fail.  i guess i have pretty low expectations for the whole thing now...

there is one thing i don't have low expectations for...and that would be the whole bf part of the equation. 

so everything becomes all complicated again...cuz does that mean i shouldnt have low expectations for the dom part? im not even quite sure what to expect in that area...

i do know one thing tho: i must have both, not one or the other.  at this point, i refuse to open my heart to one person who doesn't fulfill both.  maybe when im older i'll be more open to settling?

and then there is me.  i rock the whole gf part.  i rock the whole sub part.  i wonder if i rock the gf/sub combo.  i would hope i rock the socks off of it.  but i'm not sure.  how do i know?

~~~~

Hihiiiii everyone!!!!!

sooo...I felt like writing something here...cuz that way the box doesnt look naked!  the following lines r my rambling thoughts:

first off, i'd like to thank everyone for the compliments on my pics!  my ass is blushing! lol!

secondly, i am open to talking (as friends) to new people but if you are a mean dom, please don't bother sending me a message.  it frightens me that people are so angry for no reason and sends me running in the other direction so please, take note! kthanks!

let me see...whats next? o! i guess i'm not "super new" to all of this anymore! just "medium" to "mildly" new now! lol! i feel like i'm describing types of hot sauce! it excites me to know that I actually kinda know what is going on now! At the very least, I can specifically describe what exactly it was that brought me here in the first place (yes, when I joined, I still wasn't quite sure!)...

...turns out: I wanted a dom/bf or bf/dom (not one b4 the other, but one in the same, in a perfect balance).  I wanted to find someone who appreciates me and all of my fabulousness; someone who respects me and does not abuse or ever take for granted the respect that i give him; someone who takes pride in all of my accomplishments thus far; someone who encourages me to continue achieving in all aspects of my life;  someone who knows how to use the power that they have acquired responsibly and maturely; someone who understands that a real sub is an incredibly strong individual and not be be confused for a weakling; someone who is intelligent and a beautiful person inside and out (clichéd, yes and as for the 'out' part...sorry! im a lil superficial!);  someone who has earned the respect of his peers; someone who has achieved a high level of self-awareness, discipline of himself, first (you will be amazed at how many doms I have talked to over the years who lack this essential quality); someone who is already accomplished but not yet satisfied as his potential in all aspects of life is limitless; and lastly, someone who knows the true meaning of the words "love," "respect," "blessing," "perserverance," "inspire," "passion," "victory," and "gratitude." 

AND NOW! THE BEST PART (at least for me! lol!) : i think i have finally found that *someone*!!!! annnnd! i met him here!   I have never had such an instantanteous and incredibly deep connection with anyone.  I feel like he can look through me and touch my soul without even gazing at me.  I feel an indescribable sense of liberation through his figurative restraints.  he knows my deepest desires; my darkest desires; and desires I did not even know that I held.  I have never felt so happy, fulfilled, and complete as I have since he came into my life.  I have never been so self-aware and had not known what it was I truly wanted until he graced my life, my heart, my soul, my existence with his poise, presence and pure awesomeness ;-)   .  He makes me believe in things I had given up on and convinced myself did not truly exist or did not consider myself worthy of. 

AT PRESENT: i am his, but i guess not officially? {sad face}    i aspire to be his ... in every sense, on every level.

~~~~~<3